A 6'2" coworker #1 at work got in early to hide under a coworker #2's desk. The coworker #2's desk faced me.

Coworker #2 arrived on time at 7:50 a.m. Coworker #1 hid under his desk until 8:30 a.m. Grabbed  coworker #2's legs as hard as he could. Coworker #2 almost shit himself.

It was all I could do not to tip him off. I almost shit my own pants watching it go down. I think he thought the zombies had gotten ahold of him. He turned white and screamed like a little girl.

Quoted: Daughters' boyfriends- the first one I asked politely if he had ever had a broken arm. When he replied to the negative I asked if he'd like one now. He immediately took his arms from around my daughter and turned very white. I told my daughter to take him into my office, and that I'd be there in a few minutes. My office was 3 walls, floor to ceiling with IPSC and 3gun trophies....I walked in, said "get the idea?". He never came back. The second one had broken up with my daughter a couple weeks before the prom- much weeping and wailing...It turns out it was a good thing, I heard later that he had the rep of being a major druggie. Anyway, about a year later, my wife says that he's coming over to take my daughter out. I met him in the driveway, put him (gently)up against his truck- "Jeff, if you ever make my daughter cry again I'll make you cry." Eyes got very big.."And if you ever offer her drugs, sell her drugs, or do drugs in her presence, I will fuck you up beyond all repair." He never came back either.

I had a father say that kinda stuff to me...and I was normal.  Trust me on one thing.  As soon as they leave they laugh their asses off.  They look scared to show some respect and get you off their cases.  

Quoted: I think when I was 20 years old.  I got a long distance call from my sister in Australia, who told me that she was preganant for the first time (by her husband) and to tell everyone the news. I went upstairs where the rest of my family was having breakfast and said in a really tenative, scared and nervous voice: "Uh, Dad? How do you feel about becoming a grandfather?"  ' Everyone's mouth dropped open and stared at me.  My dad looked away at the wall and said very caustically "So, do you have something to announce?" And I said "Yeah!  Heather's going to have a baby!"  and laughed my ass off.

Bada-bing, bada-boom. Classic.

When I was in the Marines, one of my buddies and I got a really good rubber rattlesnake at Disneyland. We brought it to work the next day and coiled it up in our SNCOIC's chair. He came in talking to someone, pulled his chair out and jumped backwards across his office. The look on his face was priceless. That snake made the rounds through our entire office. Best five bucks I ever spent.

Quoted: My Dad told me about an orphanage that burned down in the 30's or 40's that they used to goof around near, as kids in the 60's.  It was called "Gore Orphanage".  They would take girls out there to make out, and have their friends waiting in a corn field, to run out screaming toward the car.  I doubt if they got any pie after that.

I have been there many times ,now the people that live up on the hill around it are having fun scaring the kids that come there playing up the (not true one bit of it )legand that kids died there cause of a big fire and their ghosts haunt the place.

Sometime about the 2nd grade I decided on my own that I was going to go over to a friends house after school instead of going home.

Apparently gave my parents quite a scare.   And I (deservedly) got one hell of a spanking over that one.

Oh man, how can I chose?!  One of my favorite past times is scaring the shi'ites out of people.  My dad and I have an ongoing war to see who can scare the other one the worst.  Some of the highlights;

1) a fake spider with a jumping mechanism in school.  I put it on my girlfriends leg during a movie in class.  When she looked down at it I made it jump.  She took off across the room with the desk still wrapped around her.  Carnage ensued.  She laid some poor kid ou with the edge of the desk and he had to go to the hospital.  I was left speechless at the beginning of the "trail of tear" holding a jumping spider looking shocked.  She was hysterical for about five minutes and I got a trip to the office out of it.

2) My dad was checking some cattle that were calving in the middle of the night,  I was just coming home and saw his flashlight out in the barn.  He'd just built a dog kennel half way back from the barn but there was no door on it yet.  I crawled into the kennel and waited till he walked past. When he did I came flying out of there with my best rabid bear impression.  He went a solid three feet in the air, cussing and flapping his wings like a crazed bird.  He was flapping fast enough to actually hold altitude for a few moments and then hit the ground and starting doing this crazy gypsie dance flailing around with the light and making a WOOHOOWHOOHOO!  sound.  I died laughing,  but for a while I thought I was gonna be doing CPR on him.

3)  on a scuba trip to firehole river in Wyoming,  I was camped on the bottom of a 30 foot hole that people  cliff dive into,  watching the divers come into the water.  One diver was coming very close to the bottom each time.  the third time he came into the water I was sitting right where he was coming down.  As he got to me I got ahold of one ankle and his thigh and started shaking him as hard as I could.

Now, I thought cause we could see them, that they could see us.  Well, apparently, due to our black wetsuits, they didn't know we were down there,  cause this guy litterally went crazy.  I've never seen someone freak out like that in my life. He went absolutely kung-fu on me,  kicking me and screaming under water and clawing.  Well he knocked my mask off and my regulator out,  loosened a tooth and made for the surface.  I got my mask on just in time to see him doing a mark spitz across the surface.

I turned around and my instructor was vomiting from laughing and choking on water,  half the group was gagging into freeflow to try and get under control and I was still trying to find my primary air and figure out what the hell jsut happened.    

Later we made our way out and came back to where he was, he was sitting there shivering in a blanket all pale and cut up from combat crawling out over the lava rocks.  We came up and there was  a big group of people around and they were talking about some sort of eel, or croc or loch ness monster or sometthing.  

I finally got up the courage to explain it to him,  he just got this sort of distant look on his face and finally just said " you asshole!" with this sort of grin on his face.  Everyone was giving him a hard time and teasing him.  I felt bad,  he was really shaken up and I bet he's never been in water over his ankles ever since.  He said he thought he was a gonner when I got ahold of him.

4) My other favorite is when i kept telling my wife to lock the doors at night when I was working graves.  She never did, so one night I forgot my security badge and had to come home.  I got back about 30 mintues after I'd left.

I decided to see if she'd locked the doors and so coasted into our driveway and crept around back (We lived WAAAY out in the country and it was black as ink out there at night.  You literally couldn't see your hand in front of your face on a moonless night.  So I get to the back door and it's open.

I sneak inside and was going to just run out when I decided that wouldn't make enough impact on her.  So I stood for a moment tryng to decide what to do.  I could hear her and the baby in the front room.  I looked over and realized I was standing right next to the main electrical panel.  So I quietly reached up and shut off the mains.  

SNAP!  The house is in total darkness and it's deathly quiet.  I stand for a second and then start walking through the house, coming down pretty hard on my foot steps, stomping.  I'm a big guy, over 300 lbs so I must sound like a horse coming through that old house.  I stomp right past them and then stop,  like I heard something,  then turn and walk right up to them on the couch.  I haven't heard a PEEP out of them.  And I can't see CRAP.  I"m just praying this isn't the first time she's decided to arm herself.

Then I let out a holler and start laughing.  I hear this little squeak of air as she starts to realize who it is.  I snap on a big flashlight I'd grabbed and shine it on her.  She looks about 60 years old (she was 22 at the time) and just drained.

I went and flipped the breaker and came out and tried to get her to calm down. She couldn't even lift the baby or get off the couch.  She said her whole life passed in front of her eyes.  She was so pissed after a few days she railed on me forever. My mom said it was abusive.  

She's never left the door unlocked at night again and she's frequently in reach of a firearm now.  She told me it made her realize how fast you can get in trouble and how little you can actually do.


It was funny, then I felt bad cause it impacted her so heavily and cost me pie for longer than I care to admit, but in the long run it was worth it cause she was safer with herself and the kids after that.




This is a great thread,  I have dozens more.  Keep it up!


CBR.

Quoted: 'Aliens' video marathon. Dark house. Lots of booze. Raw chicken carcass duct taped over the light switch in the bathroom. He screamed like a little bitch.

LMAO!!  

Thanks for all the stories, fellas.  I really needed a good laugh right about now!

Well, I don't know if I should disclose it. Although it was funny at the time, I feel sorry about it now.

We have a village idiot of a friend that hangs out with us. He's funny and... interesting, but stupid. Well, one night, we bought some $1 water guns (people, these things were neon colors and shaped after space guns).

So, we took our friend on a long road, at night, and told him we were going to see some guy that we knew that didn't even exist. After about 20 minutes on this road, he's like "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" and we tell him to calm down and he lives out in the country. We pull over, and start talking.

Then we pull out the water guns and tell him "IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU!". He was so hysterical, so upset and frightened, he didn't even notice we squirted him with water. Although I was laughing my ass off, looking back on it, I wish I wouldn't have done it. It just doesn't feel right.

Quoted: Daughters' boyfriends- the first one I asked politely if he had ever had a broken arm. When he replied to the negative I asked if he'd like one now. He immediately took his arms from around my daughter and turned very white. I told my daughter to take him into my office, and that I'd be there in a few minutes. My office was 3 walls, floor to ceiling with IPSC and 3gun trophies....I walked in, said "get the idea?". He never came back. The second one had broken up with my daughter a couple weeks before the prom- much weeping and wailing...It turns out it was a good thing, I heard later that he had the rep of being a major druggie. Anyway, about a year later, my wife says that he's coming over to take my daughter out. I met him in the driveway, put him (gently)up against his truck- "Jeff, if you ever make my daughter cry again I'll make you cry." Eyes got very big.."And if you ever offer her drugs, sell her drugs, or do drugs in her presence, I will fuck you up beyond all repair." He never came back either.

Good for you.  

Remind me to avoid you! Let's see some highlights:

Quoted: Carnage ensued.  She laid some poor kid ou with the edge of the desk and he had to go to the hospital.   I died laughing,  but for a while I thought I was gonna be doing CPR on him. He went absolutely kung-fu on me,  kicking me and screaming under water and clawing.  Well he knocked my mask off and my regulator out,  loosened a tooth and made for the surface.   She said her whole life passed in front of her eyes.  She was so pissed after a few days she railed on me forever. My mom said it was abusive.   It was funny, then I felt bad cause it impacted her so heavily and cost me pie for longer than I care to admit, but in the long run it was worth it cause she was safer with herself and the kids after that.

Here's another one:

We were having a lock-in night for high schoolers at the church I went to.  At the end of the night, the girls went to one house and the guys went to another.  The house the girls stayed at happened to belong to a brother and sister who were attending the event that night.  The brohter knew where the fuse box was and that there were window wells at the basement part of the house that you can jump down in from the yard.

So the guys came around the house at 12ish, when we were all winding down and were about ready to go to sleep.  The sister was called upstairs by her mom to "talk"  - which was just her mom setting her up for the prank.  As soon as her mom was done talking to her, the lights go out (the brother flipped the breakers), the sister comes screaming and running down the stairs, and the guys jumped down into the window wells and started pounding furiously on them.  There is nothing more deafening than the collective screams of 18 high school girls.

Edited for spelling.

I think crashburnrepeat is in the top few with the spider story.  LMAO.  I did something similar to my Dad.  We were at Knott's Berry Farm and I found this big, hairy rubber spider.  I showed it to him and he just jumped sky high and then slapped it out of my hand.  Scared the crap out of him and me as well as I wasn't expecting that.

Just last week I set a realistic rubber snake on the floor of the bedroom.  My oldest son and I waited for the wife to go into the room.  Her reaction was priceless when she did.  The usual jump-and-gasp routine.  I didn't get any that night.

New housing was being built in a semi-upper scale neighborhood.  Some very impressive homes were under construction.  The problem was with a half dozen teens coming on several properties and causing vandalism.

We didn't know they were teens at the time so we had one of our guys dress up in all black and wait.  We staged him in the house most frequented by the vandals.  We put him in an upstairs closet with a Mossberg 500, and a JBT mask.  

Around 2am the teens entered the property.  They were drinking and carrying on, breaking bottles, and causing damage.  Their was enough light in the area that our guy could easily identify, males, females, total count, and the apparent age range.

So prankster, being the good guy he is, decided not to arrest these kids.  A better way to break their habit was to corner them.  He sprung out of the closet with shotgun in hand.  He ran toward the staircase to block the only avenue of escape.  He turned around and faced a small group of terrified teenagers.  Their only sight was a man donned in black cammies with a big gun.

He told the kids he would let all but one of them leave - but they had to choose which one remained.  The wouldn't say anything - just a mild whimpering, according to my friend.  So he told them they would all suffer if they didn't pick somebody right then and there (all the while using an evil sounding voice).  The girls were let go and ran down the stairs - the remaining boys quickly pointed out one of their co-horts and rapidly departed (some friends, huh?).

I feel a bit guilty about this but, the kid who stayed behind started crying and pleading for his safety.  My friend told him that if he never wanted to find himself in this sort of predicament again, he'd be well advised to stay far away from this neighborhood.  

He ran off with wet pants and the housing construction continued without hinderence.



Edited to add - there was no round in the chamber - no one was in danger.

When I lived in Indianapolis, we would drive out around Brownsburg. Between Brownsburg and Clermont there was a long stretch of train tracks and you could see the train coming long before you got to the crossing.
A few of us were driving the roads on a weekend afternoon. I saw the train coming and told my buds we could make it across before the train got there. You could see that we wouldn't make it. I gave my 73 Road Runner all the gas it could take. As we got closer to the tracks, all 3 of them were screaming like crazy for me to stop. I kept telling them we could make it. Their screaming was loud, real damn loud.
Just as we got to the tracks, the locomotive was already across the tracks. We were doing 70-80mph.
About 30 yrds or so before you get to the tracks, the road drops off and goes under the tracks. Just as we got to the drop off they were screaming and crying for whoever.
When we dropped off and under the train, you could hear a pin drop in that car. The guy sitting in the passenger seat started crying, the 2 in the backseat had a death grip on the uprights of the seats.
We stopped a little up the road and all got out. All they could do was breath hard.

They didn't speak to me for a month. At school they finally said to me "We really hated you for that." Everything was fine after that.

I did ask them if they wanted to go for a ride after school.

I used to work in an office where we had a few rubber band fights when things were slow. My main opponent was standing one day by the front desk, with me sitting behind it. Her hands were holding on to either side of a clear plastic document holder, one of those free standing things for small signs, but without a sign at the time. I was fiddling with a pretty thick rubber band while we chatted. All of a sudden I put two and two together and cranked back on that rubber band like it was a compound bow, aimed right at her! Tendons on her neck snapped into view, there was a sharp inhale of breath, her shoulders scruched up, her hands white knuckled around the clear sign holder, her arms tensed into a sort of bobbling motion up and down and the look on her face was just perfect. After a split second of that I released the band from a range of 12 or so inches and it hit the sign holder with a nice WHAAAP! I just sat and cracked up for a while. I even let her snap me with out even blocking. Man it was worth it.
I also got her by leaning over a rail looking down at 4 stories of staircases, she leaned over next to me to see what was down there and I stepped back and gave her a little shove on her shoulder. She nearly chased me down after that!

Quoted: Three of us were returning from a week long training. The guy in the back was laying down taking a snooze when I came upon a cab-over semi tractor being towed by a wrecker. I pulled up right behind the semi and layed on the horn while the two of us in front let out a frightening scream. The guy in the rear looked up and could just see the radiator and grill. He let out one hell of a scream and tried to claw his way out of the car. We laughed our asses off at him as he was white as a ghost and we could see his heart beating through his shirt. Ten years later it still raises his blood pressure to mention it.

I almost wet my pants laughing at this shit!

Quoted: New housing was being built in a semi-upper scale neighborhood.  Some very impressive homes were under construction.  The problem was with a half dozen teens coming on several properties and causing vandalism. We didn't know they were teens at the time so we had one of our guys dress up in all black and wait.  We staged him in the house most frequented by the vandals.  We put him in an upstairs closet with a Mossberg 500, and a JBT mask.   Around 2am the teens entered the property.  They were drinking and carrying on, breaking bottles, and causing damage.  Their was enough light in the area that our guy could easily identify, males, females, total count, and the apparent age range. So prankster, being the good guy he is, decided not to arrest these kids.  A better way to break their habit was to corner them.  He sprung out of the closet with shotgun in hand.  He ran toward the staircase to block the only avenue of escape.  He turned around and faced a small group of terrified teenagers.  Their only sight was a man donned in black cammies with a big gun. He told the kids he would let all but one of them leave - but they had to choose which one remained.  The wouldn't say anything - just a mild whimpering, according to my friend.  So he told them they would all suffer if they didn't pick somebody right then and there (all the while using an evil sounding voice).  The girls were let go and ran down the stairs - the remaining boys quickly pointed out one of their co-horts and rapidly departed (some friends, huh?). I feel a bit guilty about this but, the kid who stayed behind started crying and pleading for his safety.  My friend told him that if he never wanted to find himself in this sort of predicament again, he'd be well advised to stay far away from this neighborhood.   He ran off with wet pants and the housing construction continued without hinderence. Edited to add - there was no round in the chamber - no one was in danger.

So cruel, yet sooooo friggin hilarious!

Edited to add - No teenagers or JBT's were harmed in the recollection of this story...the teen's pants, however, could not be salvaged

This is a great thread. I'll add another story, this one doesn't have a perp. A friend of mine was sitting around late one night in college with his 3 housemates, all tough male jocks. They were watching "Friday the Thirteenth", two guys sitting on the couch, two sprawled out on the floor. It was a hot, humid summer night, the front door was open, and the storm door was blocked open with a rock because it had a pretty strong spring to automatically close it. So the guys had had a few beers as college guys often do, and it was towards the end of the movie. Just as Freddy jumps out at someone, the rock moves and the storm door SLAMS shut. One guy flew out the front door and two went towards the back. They realized what had happened and came back to the living room and noticed one guy was missing. They started calling his name and they heard a bit of a whimper from the couch. The guy had jumped up at the noise and squeezed himself between the couch and the wall and was hyperventilating.

tag

Quoted: When I was in high school, me and my brother fashioned a life size scarecrow with an old pair of jeans and long sleeve sweats filled with news paper.  We made a head with some hangers(wire) also wrapped in newspaper.  We put an old pair of sneakers on its feet and a baseball cap on the head.  At night, it looked pretty real and we laid in on the street in front of our house.   We watched as number of cars that speed past our residential street, slam on their breaks and swerve off the street to avoid this drunk sleeping on the middle of the street.  Most of them missed the dummy and laughed as they slowed enough to see that it wasn't a real person.  One sports car however, was going too fast and although he did slam on his break, he drove right over the dummy.  We saw this pretty girl in the passenger seat scream her head off.  The car slowed but it immediately took off, and we could hear the girl screaming as the car disappeared.  We were ROTF laughing, all the while thinking that this guy just thinks he just did a hit and run.  Few minutes later, we heard the sirens of fire trucks and they showed up right in front of the house.  The firemen got off the truck and when they saw the tore up dummy, they laughed their heads off too.  They knocked on our door to see if we knew anything about it, and we denied everything.  The firemen took the dummy with them and to this day, that girl and the driver of that sports car maybe living with knowing they may have killed a person and ran.  I can still hear that girls loooong scream as the sports car took off after the hit.

I AM DYING .....

About 1968. I scared myself.

My pal and I drove up to one of the 2 bridges spanning the Cape Cod canal one night and pulled a scarecrowdummy out of the car, acted like we were beating the shit out of him and tossed him off the bridge and split.

We spent the next day huddled in a tent on the banks of the canal scared shitless, watching the rescue guys dragging for the 'body'.

We hadn't expected THAT kind of response.

It wasn't a short sharp, fear, it was a long, drawn out fear.

Quoted: I have a cat puppet and snuck up my dumb ass cat. When he turned around and saw it, he did a fucking cart wheel...ran down the stairs and bounced off of the storm door. Im laughing so hard typing this that I'm crying.

I go deer hunting in the hill country. Last year a bobcat showed up and got himself shot. We brought the carcass home with the aim of having him stuffed, and that evening as we got home to show the family, my dad suggested we shouldn't leave out the family cat. I bring the cat to the tailgate, and at first he's a little suspicious of the fierce looking bobcat, but begins to sniff it after a while. I have to hold both his front legs to get him close enough. As he's sniffing, I make a hissing sound and bat him with the bobcat's paw. He flipped over, broke my grasp, and landed upside down on the ground from about six feet of freefall.

It's not as funny when you type it out.

Back when I used to be married, my then wife would jump at the sight of her own shadow.  One day when I was scheduled to work evenings, I called in sick.  I felt pretty rotten from the flu bug that was going around and decided to get some rest.  

My ex-spouse was a pillow and quilt addict - our bed had a couple hundred thousand freakin' pillows on it and a bulky assed quilt.  I crawled into bed and racked out.

When she got home from work, she grabbed a snack and retired to the bedroom to watch the TV.  Her movements woke me up and I sat up rather quickly and looked over at her.  

The food flew into the air and she started screaming...and screaming...and screaming.  I said, "ITS ME!...ITS ME!"  She kept screaming until I walked over to her and she just looked at me like I was the grim reaper.  Just a blank stare with utter fright - no words.

Finally she gathered a confused look on her face that slowly grew into an angered scowl.  She said something like, "WTF did you do that for?!  WTF are you doing home?!"

Even after I explained myself and offered my appearence as proof, it was determined by her that it was still my intention of scaring her to death.

I can't win for losing.

A classic some friends of mine liked to do in college was "Circle of Death".  Pretty much, you get a group of guys to put on masks and surround some guy's bed when he's sleeping (if their dorm is left unlocked), then link arms and start jumping around the bed yelling "Circle of Death!!!!!" over and over.  One of the best reactiosn they ever got was when a guy awoke in the middle of this, sat up in his bed and screamed "YOU'RE SATAN!!!" at the nearest guy.

When I was in college myself and all my friends worked the late shift, we usually got off work at midnight.  One night after work I took my girlfriend and her friend out to a remote desert lake.  There are no lights at the lake at all except for the boat ramp.  We went to a picnic area on the lake that is all the way across the lake from the ramp.  It is DARK out there at night and it's a good place to star gaze.  

After awhile the girls had to use the restroom, but they didn't want to go by themselves.  They wanted me to "check" it before they went in.  

So we walked to the restrooms, I opened the door and started to go in... when I was halfway in the door I jerked and pretended that someone (or something) had grabbed me, and I screamed bloody murder.

They freaked, my girlfriend's friend fell down she got so scared.  I laughed my ass off for the rest of the night.  

I ended up marrying that girlfriend, and to this day I can get a laugh when I tease my wife about it.  I'm laughing right now.

Oh God it was funny.

well about a year ago my wife  was cleaning and she had just brought a doormat that had been sitting out on the back porch for a few weeks well after she washed it she went in to put it in the dryer well all of a sudden i hear her screaming i thought what know so i go to see what it is and there was a dead lizard in the washer he had been alive until he got washed well she was freaking out.

At first she thought it was a rubber lizard or something that i had in my pocket(where the hell that came from ill never know) i still laugh my ass off to this day thinking about it the most blood curdling scream i have ever heard she was pure white when i walked into the room.

Quoted: Recently?  :)   Well, my daughter's ex-boyfriend did not have a lack of sense, and liked to sneak around my house at night.  A few nights before, someone had stolen a bucket we had left outside.  So,  around 10:00pm, my wife tells me she hears someone outside.  I pick up my SIG P-2340 and go outside, and make my way around the house. I know how to carry my weapon (pointed up), how to move around corners, etc.  So, I make it to my backyard, and still see nothing.  I hear a man's voice behind me (remember, this is night), and I turn around and sweep him with the gun (finger not on the trigger).  He goes face down on the yard.  I give him a little speech about how stupid it is to sneak around homes in Texas at night, especially if you know the homeowner is armed.  Fortunately, my daughter broke up with him soon afterwards.

Learned that from Charlie's Angels didnt ya? Thats some good gun handling bud.

Oh my God I've laughed so hard reading these last 4 pages.   I don't think I even have an ass left!  

The biggest laugh I've ever gotten was from an impromptu prank on my wife.  My wife loves long baths.  So at the end of a particularly long day I told her I'd go out to get Chinese and she could start her bath.  As I left she began running water in the tub.  As I got in the car I realized that I hadn't asked her what she wanted.  So I went back in the house.  I called her name but all I could hear was the running water.  I walked to the door of the bathroom and saw her bent over the tub testing the water or something.  I waited a few seconds but she didn't move.  So I crouched down opened my mouth as wide as I could and stretched out my arms toward her and waited.  And waited.  I began bouncing from side to side to make it look like I was coming towards her.  Just as I thought my legs were going to give out on me she turned around.  Her scream scared me!  She jumped at least 3 feet into the air and kept on jumping and screaming.  I fell on the floor laughing.  She still calls that the "Night of the Midget"!  

I've got so many more but it's too late.

I was drunk and I hid in the back seat of my sister car. Scared the shit out of her. It made her really, really mad

Chased 2 pot heads at 1am  down the street shooting belt fed machine gun at them, left house naked with 7ft belt ammo came back empty. THEY NEVER CAME BACK! (they stood in my front yard and shot about 30 rnds into my house, i didnt respond to that very well!)

When I was about 10...  I was in the living room watching TV. Mom was in the kitchen making dinner. The garbage disposal was making some noise (we were due for a new one). Mom proceeds to reach into the sink to clear the jam. She pulls some stuff out. She looks at it and screams bloody murder. She's dancing around the kitchen and throws a small rubber snake at me.

...Ohh... that's where I put it.

Quoted: Chased 2 pot heads at 1am  down the street shooting belt fed machine gun at them, left house naked with 7ft belt ammo came back empty. THEY NEVER CAME BACK! (they stood in my front yard and shot about 30 rnds into my house, i didnt respond to that very well!)

Double8, what freakin neighborhood do you live in?  Between that and your next door neighboor troubles, I'd consider moving to the country!  

Aiming my M-16 at some dumb@ss' head and switching my selector to fire...he reached as if reaching for a pistol to shoot a member of my team.(pretending to shoot us)

Quoted: Chased 2 pot heads at 1am  down the street shooting belt fed machine gun at them, left house naked with 7ft belt ammo came back empty. THEY NEVER CAME BACK! (they stood in my front yard and shot about 30 rnds into my house, i didnt respond to that very well!)

Ya know, that kinda sorta sounds like the stories I've heard about Bunker, MO

damn it

When I was little, mabey five or six, I had a full automatic squirt gun that looked just liek a tec-9...after we painted it black...and one day after the shooting in san francisco in the office buildings my dads roomate who was a lawyer decided that it would be a good idea to take the squirt gun to work and pretend toshoot everyone. apparently it worked because I remember him being out of work when he came home that day.

Work - Was working at a market and one of the clerks had gone to see "The Exorcist" the first night it was out.  He was still a little spooked the next morning at work.  Well he was stocking cereal the next morning so I got on the next row and was reaching over and knocked down the box he had put up.  He thought it was just that he didn't set it far enough back.  Put it back knocked it down again and he looked up into the security mirror.  Well I ducked and he didn't see me.  I heard him move and I took a quick check in the mirror, saw him, knocked 2 down and he ran screaming up to the front.

School - We saw the original B&W silent Phantom of the Opera for an assembly  the Halloween my senior year of high school.  My brother had a Phantom fright mask and put it on as we were walking out. People started laughing. One young lady turned around to see what the fuss was and saw the "face" right behind her. Screams and runs out to the lobby, grabs the nearest teacher and gibbers and points down the aisle.  Of course, the mask was in the pocket then.  Her friends thought it was hilarious, as she finally calmed down enough to tell what had happened, and of course nobody saw anything.  One of her girlfriends asked if she could try got behind her put the mask on and got her again. Lots of screams hers in fright and a lot  of laughter.   About 3 hours later we saw her in the library telling the Librarian what had happened.  "What do you mean a fright mask?"  One of the guys "Like that one behind her."  "Oh" said the Librarian.   "Ha ha, not funny you aren't going to get me that way."  She turned around and cleared the library counter in one hop.

About that time the Vice Principle showed up.  He was a Marine Reserve Lt. Col aviator and on a first name basis with my Dad.  He made it clear, that he wanted the mask and we could get it after school.  We heard he wore it around the office the rest of the day.  And then it went home never to return.

The worst I ever scared someone was when I caught my wife in the shower about 10 months ago.  I work third shift and I came home when my wife was taking a shower to prepare for her first shift job.  I quietly snuck up the stairs and opened the bathroom door.  I then proceeded to the shower curtain and noticed that she was washing her hair.  Because of this, she had her eyes closed and could not hear to well.  When she finally finished rinsing she opened her eyes.  I almost had to jump in the tub to catch her after she surely awoke the neighbors with her scream.  I'm sure she jumped at least a foot of the base of the bathtub!  I may be the worlds most ticklish person, and ever since that day I have been in agony because of it!

The battle still rages today.  Every now and then, one of us will throw a large cup of cold water on the other while they are in the shower.  Let me tell you, if you have never experienced a heart attack, this has got to come close!

Edited for typographical errors.

This thread has had me in stitches all night! Keep 'em coming guys!

I did my best Jeff Gordon impression with some passengers once. They told me they honestly thought they were gonna die.

next time I'm on a firing line I'm gonna call home and tell my parents "I just want you to know that I love you, I gotta go".

I pulled the how to safely cut lettuce joke on the wife.

I don't scare people.  I don't react well to being startled.  The last time someone tried that I was sitting at a desk working.  A guy came up and scared me.  The next thing I knew, I had him pinned against the wall by his neck, feet dangling six inches off the floor.  I try to be pretty mellow, but if someone scares or startles me I become extremely violent.  No one has ever startled me twice.

Quoted: I pulled the how to safely cut lettuce joke on the wife.

I've never heard of this.  What is it?

Short story.
I was driving along this road by my house, and I saw this figgure in the distance running on the sidewalk. As I got closer, I realized it is my best friend. My car doesn't have ABS, so right as I came up next to him I slammed on my brakes, yielding an extremely loud "SCREEEEEEECH!" from the tires. My friend jumped about a foot off the ground and sideways away from the road. As I continued on driving I saw him shaking his fist in the air.
It was kinda funny but I really felt terrible at the same time.

My then girlfriend, now wife woke up about 3:00 am.  goes to get a glass of water, no lights.  Remember I own a doberman at the time, he was trained to stay in one of the other bedrooms, but left the bedroom when he heard her moving around.  The house is carpeted, so there is no noise.   As she is drinking the glass of water, he gooses her from behind with his nose.  Dobes love to do this, she lets out a scream, damn near shits her pants.   Laughing about this as I remember.  

One more:
As arriving home one day a squirrel is on the front lawn.  My girlfriend, same one, makes a sudden move towrd it stamping the ground, trying to scare it away.  It jumps back a little makes a lot chatter, and jumps toward her and she backs up slightly concerned about this attacking squirrel.  TA DA, Dobe  to the rescue, out of the truck and the squirrel is up the tree.  Ok, fast forward 1-2 hours later, girlfriend in bed. I'm getting ready she hears a noise near bedroom window, opens the blind, and here is the fricking squirrel hanging on the screen, SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF HER.   I pounded on the window and it took off.    What a hoot!!

Wow, talk about some great stories.  I haven't had that many laughs reading one thread in ages - maybe never.  Whew!  Funny stuff.