Question for married women in post menopause

My wife and I are 52. I love her very much. I have a very good job. She says she loves me, and that I am the best thing to her on/in this world (she loves the Lord). She is, and has always been very emotional and has problems with people leaving in her life. psyops4fun if you read this you may remember some past issues. What is a husband of 19 years to do when after menopause his wife no longer likes, or wants sex? She says she knows I have needs that she does not fulfill, and that she does not know why I stay with her, and that she is sorry that "she is not a good wife to me" ( these things said come from her, I do not complain about any of this) I treat her as lovingly as possible as I always have. It is not just sex I do without, it is like she is not capable of any intimacy at all. She does not touch me when we sleep, she does not sit next to me, there is absolutely no intimacy in my marriage. She has been to counseling in the past, and so have I. I have bought books for her on marriage, sex in marriage, sex in a Christian marriage, and she will not read them. She will not come close to considering hormone treatment.

I work, and make very good money. I give her more material things than she wants. I "listen" to her. I help her with everything (household, work problems, child and grand child issues) literally everything. She says with tears in her eyes that I am a good, caring man, that she does not know what she would do without me. I have been ever so patient and as understanding as can be. I can not seem to just "give up" on having sex with someone who I love, I am ever so attracted to, and I do not want to leave.

PLEASE HELP

Will she at least discuss these issues with her doctor? I'd also suggest further counseling for both of you (together and individually). You are in a difficult position. If she doesn't want to change, then you can't make her, and you would be surprised how quickly your love can turn to resentment, bitterness, and hate. I wish you all the best. Themarriagebed.com is a great site with an active forum where you can find advice and support from others in similar situations. I have gotten help there in the past.

Thanks cat,

No she will not, she does not think a Dr. can help her talking to her about this, and she will not consider any kind of hormone treatment (I don't really blame her there after reading of the risks?). I will try that forum, I have read for many, hours on menopause, menopause and marriage, menopause and lack of desire for sex. The only solutions seem to be hormone therapy, trying to approach sex slowly, and softly (massages, flowers, dinners) I have tried it all and there is no recipriocity, none. If she says her back hurts I massage it for her, if she asks for a massage I give her one. If I say my back hurts...no response, I've not had a massage of any type in many years.

I just don't understand how I can love her so much, her say that she knows it, she says she worries that I may not continue to love her, but nothing happens. How can a woman say these things and not do anything to want to change it, and to only go as far as saying the things above? I know men and women think differently, men mostly facts, women mostly emotions, and I work with that, but I am at a loss here.

If I were treating her this way, I would be scared to death she would look to someone to "at least fulfill her needs" and if she did I would not blame her. Does she not think like I would, or does she act like a raccoon cover her eyes and pretend nothing is there? Does anyone know?

cat,

That is a great site. It is one that I spent reading up on this. I will try the forum there, as well as hope for some answers / help here.

It honestly sounds like she might be dealing with a little depression as well. I'm a woman, and I can't ever imagine treating my husband that way. I wish I knew what to tell you, but i don't think there is a magic solution. Until she decides she wants help, you won't be able to force it on her. It sounds like she is aware of the problem, but completely unwilling to take any steps to resolve it. I just can't wrap my head around that. For your sake as well as her own, I hope she snaps out of this and gets whatever help she needs before it is too late. Hormones aren't the only possible solution. She really should see a doctor about this.

cat,

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I have visited that site before, and it is a good one. It "should" be a site she would be willing to spend some time on. I will bite the bullet, and see if she will spend some time there. I don't think she will. She has not read similar books I bought. She will (even though she knows it is her) resent me for trying to get her to read there. I am going to do it, and ask that she go to a Dr. with, or without me. I am shaking, and feel like I could puke.

If she wont do either, in your opinion would if she will not have sex (somewhat reciprocal, and loving) would satisfying just those needs through "another" possibly be a legitimate means of keeping the rest of our marriage whole, or would the last thing I would ever want to do (leave) be the better option for her? I don't know if I could leave if I had to make that choice.

I am probably wrong even asking you to answer that last part.

You're in a very difficult situation, and what you do will depend on what she does. Personally, I don't think cheating is ever an option. If it ever gets so bad that you have to cheat to get your needs met, then leaving is an option you should consider, even though you hate it. I'm no fan of divorce, but when one spouse has so clearly checked out of the marriage, it may have to be done. No human being should ever be asked to exist in a marriage where they are completely cut off from affection. As much as you love her now, if this continues, you will grow to resent her. You can only give so much without getting anything in return. The fact that she acknowledges the problem but still won't work to fix it breaks my heart for you.

cat,

Thank you so much for your time. It meant allot just to hear another's opinions, and to talk and listen from a womans point of view. I guess I will talk to her once more about it. I walk on pins and needles when I have to bring this up. It never goes good. I will ask her to go to a Dr., and ask if she wants me to go. If this goes bad, or she does not schedule an appointment, I guess I will stay and see if it gets better on it's own. I guess only I will know when I can't take anymore.

Thanks cat

kev,

i would say the same things as cat

seek counseling on your own and sort through your options with someone objective

Old women are like old cars. They don't get any better looking and at some point they just aren't worth the trouble. That's why they make new cars!!!

hookers and blow

You might also want to take a look at christiannymphos.org (no, I'm not kidding - that really is the name of it) and search menopause. They may have some helpful insights and info. I hope she will eventually see that talking to her doctor about this could really help. Best of luck.

The same applies to either sex.

OP, for most women I think sex is simply an "obligation" that they endure for a period of time in the early years of a marriage. They "endure" it because they know they need to put out to get some guy interested enough to want to get married, they want kids, or because they get stuff from you so its a sort of trade off to them. Almost a form of marital prostitution. At some point they just start feeling that they no longer need it or they no longer need to play the sex-for-security/ stuff game and it shuts down. They wont admit it, but thats how I'm figuring it really is.How many studies have they done over the years where women admitted that they'd rather be held than have sex? For your average guy, cuddling isn't enough. Cuddling isn't the goal. As a guy I didn't get married to have a glorified roommate. Women who want to shut down the sex don't understand that.

I recall that after Viagra hit the market there were a lot of upset older women who had figured they were past having to put out and now Viagra was giving their husbands a second wind in their later years, and the wives wanted nothing to do with it.

Sounds like a classic double whammy- Menopause induced depression.

I'd put money on that being the problem, and if you don't get it worked out with some medical help, it'll just get worse and worse. She'll start on a downward spiral of guilt and unhappiness because you're unhappy, which will fuel the depression, which will fuel the guilt and unhappiness because you're unhappy, which will fuel the depression.........ad infinitum.

Short version: See a damn doctor, explore your options as a couple, and then explore your options for divorce. There is no reason to put up with a glorified roommate that doesn't even contribute to the household expenses.



PS- If you're fat, fix that in the process. She'll find you more attractive and that will increase your chances of sex with her, or you'll be able to get some a hell of a lot easier when you divorce. Either way, you gain by losing.

Bio synthetic hormones.
Suzanne Somers has a great book on this...

My take on things: Women arer always unhappy with their present condition in life. They could be Paris Hilton with wealth dripping off their fingertips and they'll find something to complain about. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence to them. The OP could lose all the weight in the world and it wont matter, because his wife will find something else to pick apart about him. if the females friends are getting pregnant and she isn't, she'll complain. if the females friends have a nicer car, nicer house, nicer "whatever" in her eyes, she'll complain because she isn't keeping up. And she'll blame him for their perceived lack of equal status.

I'm solidly convinced that most of the "keep up with the Jonses" materialistic mentality in society is driven by the female half of a relationship. Most guys are happy without "keeping up" with their social circle.

I am 35 and post menopausal. I was forced to have a full hysterectomy and removal of both ovaries due to health issues. I can say from my experience that it's very very likely she doesn't know what she needs. For the first several months after my surgery I did not want to be touched by anyone because it was actually physically painful to have anything rub on my skin anywhere. I had sex with my husband only when he initiated it and only because I felt like I had to as part of being married to him. If she is having physical issues that are causing her withdrawal from you she may not want to talk about them for whatever reason. She's also likely going through a lot of depression and her body is totally betraying her right now on a lot of levels. I agreed to hormone therapy because I went through it all so young, but I stopped the therapy after about a year. I can say from my own experience with this that it took me several long months to be ready for intimacy. I just wanted to be left alone physically, emotionally, and mentally to work through what was going on. It passed though, without any outside intervention. My husband and I have a great marriage, but he put up with a lot in those months before I got back on kilter. I hope that your situation resolves itself, but I would encourage you to keep in mind that what's going on in her body is a small scale war and I would encourage you to offer as much patience as you possibly can.

Edited to correct spelling errors.

If his wife is having issues she's not comfortable talking to him about, then there's something wrong. Communication should be paramount and a cornerstone of a relationship.

OP, if you're beginning to consider stepping out to find some sort of attention because your wife won't provide it, you're standing to go down a potentially dangerous road.

You need to have a talk with her and you can't be on pins and needles while doing it either. You're showering her with love and affection and you're getting CRAP in return. What kind of Christian marriage is that? You're honoring her but she's not honoring you. Is that how it's supposed to happen in the bible? I don't think so.

Flip the trashcans and let her know that you've had enough. She needs to go get some help. It's killing you to see her like she is and not get any sort of attention in return from your efforts. Remind her that you're still a living person and you've got needs and there are women out there willing to meet those needs. Tell her you're considering divorce. Give her the name of a lawyer.

It sounds like you're starved for affection and that's not right... maybe she's fallen out of love with you... maybe she's lamenting the fact that she can't have kids any more... maybe she's depressed... maybe she's tired of being married to you... maybe she's tired of being doted on...

Tell her you're not doing it anymore... she's not showing you affection, you're not going to either... no footrubs, backrubs, sweet talk or anything. Give it a while to sink in. If she still doesn't go to the Dr, file the papers and get out... because those are your choices if you think about it... A. Continue with the status quo where she's not doing anything. B. Get her to get some help. C. Shut down emotionally and live like room mates. D. Leave her and find someone else because life is too short to put up with that kind of treatment.

But, remember, this is only the side of the story we know and her interpretation might be different.

Copyright © 1996 - 2013 :: AR15.Com LLC :: All Rights Reserved.
Any use of this content without express written consent is prohibited.