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OK, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:04:40 AM EDT
As the title says. My wife and I have a 4 year old son, and for the past few months he's been really cold towards me. It may seem like a silly thing to let bother me, but as a first time parent it's more than a little depressing. I'll work a 12 hour shift at work and come through the door, and he'll look straight at me at tell me to go away or "shoo" when I've been waiting every minute just to get home and see him. He'll wake up crying at night and if I go to check on him he gets pissed and demands his mom and wants nothing to do with me. Wife and I will go pick him up from daycare and he'll walk right past me and go "mommy!" and run to her. It's upsetting my wife and she keeps trying to get him to realize what he's doing, but doesn't seem to be changing anything. And while I brushed it off for like 6 months, it's really starting to wear me down and depress me and i'm not sure how to fix the situation or not let it get me down. This common around this age? A phase that comes and passes? Or something else I should be doing?
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TX, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:17:45 AM EDT
[#1]
That sucks.
Listen to some of Jordon Peterson's stuff on parenting. One of your main jobs as a parent is to make your kid acceptable to society, get rid of behavior that will make them unlikable. In short, don't let your child do anything that makes you dislike them. I don't believe you need to be friends with your kids, especially a four-year-olds, but that behavior should be unacceptable and he should know it. Whatever disciplinary method you're using (spanking, time out, yelling irrationally, hopelessly bribing, arguing briefly with the spouse and then giving up, ect) should be deployed when he does this and continued until the behavior is gone. Good luck, be firm, be united with the spouse on whatever your decide, and don't let the terrorists win. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:19:51 AM EDT
[#2]
It's a phase
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:41:48 AM EDT
[#3]
Even 4 year old's can be manipulative. Be consistent. Learn his "love language".
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:45:40 AM EDT
[#4]
It's a phase, kinda. But it'll turn into more than that if you don't try to fix it.
What are his favorite things to do? Do those things with him. What's his favorite game? Play it with him. What's his favorite book? Read it to him. Take him out in the garage or your workshop - show him some cool hand tools and how they work. Take him out to help you work on the car - oil change, tire rotation, etc. But don't try to be his friend/buddy. You're his father. There's a (big) difference. |
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CO, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:49:06 AM EDT
[#5]
Grandpa here. Yeah, kids lay it out there without artifice, don't they.
It's a phase. Mom is special -- of course! -- and then Grandma, a lot of times when they're young. It doesn't feel great, but he will warm up and become your buddy. Hang in there, Dad, and try to relax. Your time is coming. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:52:05 AM EDT
[#6]
kids need/want their mom's in early years...your time is coming.
Then you'll be superman...till they become teenagers |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:52:19 AM EDT
[#7]
Take 5-10 minutes a day. Tell him that it's special play time. Set a timer. During that time focus solely on playing whatever he wants to play. Interact verbally and physically with him during that time a lot, more than you think you should. Praise what he's doing or saying, reflect back what he says in your words, imitate what he's doing, describe what he's doing, absolutely no questions, no criticism, no directions. Ignore minor bad behavior. When the timer goes off tell him that special play time is over but that doesn't mean you have to stop playing. You'll probably see a change in behavior within the first few minutes. If not, keep it up and you'll notice changes within a few days. Might be helpful to tape the sessions and see where you're messing up the above directions, then work on fixing it the next day.
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Posted: 8/1/2023 9:59:05 AM EDT
[#8]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By intheburbs: It's a phase, kinda. But it'll turn into more than that if you don't try to fix it. What are his favorite things to do? Do those things with him. What's his favorite game? Play it with him. What's his favorite book? Read it to him. Take him out in the garage or your workshop - show him some cool hand tools and how they work. Take him out to help you work on the car - oil change, tire rotation, etc. But don't try to be his friend/buddy. You're his father. There's a (big) difference. From my wife: That's a very normal toddler phase. Children are just mini versions of us who have very big emotions they have yet to learn to process. We all know, or possible may be adults ourselves, who were told how to not have emotion or not taught to process properly and now lack social skills. Explain that's not nice behavior, set up times to spend one on one without mom. He may ignore you at first but if you continue with the repetition of having fun with him he will learn that while he has been closer to mom up to this point dad is good too. All children need stability and firm boundaries. They thrive on repetitive behavior at that sponge type age. Him being in trouble for expressing emotions at this age teaches him his feelings are bad and not to be expressed or shared and I'm pretty sure we have a mental health crisis currently because of that happening for decades. |
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USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:01:16 AM EDT
[#9]
You are working too much, my daughter was getting frustrated when work started forcing over time (16hr shifts) she wanted to see me and be with me but couldn't understand why I wasn't home when I was supposed to. She became resentful because of those emotions. All it took was spending more time around and being useful and emotionaly available and she went back to herself.
The long shifts may be a necessity, but kids will remember all that lost time. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:14:08 AM EDT
[Last Edit: ScoutH57]
[#10]
Pretty good advice so far. Kids go through mommy and daddy phases. 6 months is a while but still, he’s just a 4 year old, pretty normal. I have a 7 year old and I remember her doing the same thing for sometimes what seemed like months, kinda hurt my feelings a little bit at the times too, nothing wrong with that.
I know you are working to support the family but you HAVE to make time to be with the kids. Even when they are older they may understand that you have to work to provide for them BUT at the end of the day the only thing they will remember is whether or not you were around. Make time. If you have to work your ass of all the time to make ends meet, revaluate your lifestyle. |
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OK, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:17:10 AM EDT
[#11]
Appreciate the tips and advice. One of those things that was just weighing on me a bit so I wanted to get some thoughts from others, but definitely a few things to try and help out with it as well. Thanks.
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OH, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:17:45 AM EDT
[#12]
Start ignoring him… see how he likes it… the moment he catches onto to what you’re doing he won’t stand for it.
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:34:57 AM EDT
[#13]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Millennial: Start ignoring him see how he likes it the moment he catches onto to what you're doing he won't stand for it. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:44:06 AM EDT
[#14]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By MateFrio: Even 4 year old's can be manipulative. Be consistent. Learn his "love language". Talk to him like an equal, not like a little kid. No baby talk. Kids hate that. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 10:55:58 AM EDT
[#15]
Most of the replies here are pretty good.
I have three, boy (10), and two girls (3 & 5). They definitely go through phases. Is Mrs a stay at home Mom? If so I'd say its totally normal that he's playing favorites. I know the feeling, I work sometimes 15-16 hour days. So some days I may see them for an hour in the morning while were all getting ready for school/daycare/work, then they are in bed asleep by the time I get home. Best I think you can do is make the time you are home count. Its hard sometimes when you're tired and just want to relax. Take him to do things, just you and him. Doesnt have to be anything crazy. Need to run a quick errand? Have him hop in and ride along with you. Gonna relax on the couch for an hour to unwind from work? Have him sit with you and ask him about his day. They love to tell you every dumb detail, and its great. I will listen to my kids tell me about how they had a PB&J sandwich and how delicious it was any day. Best advise I can give is just don't let it get to you too much and try to make sure he knows you want to spend time with him. If you can, plan a day once a week, or once or twice a month where you and him just do boy things. Go work in the yard, or on the car or build something and let him do his thing. He'll probably do it horribly wrong and it will drive you nuts, but embrace it. Worry about fixing it later. 3 to 4 is a weird time to have a kid. People talk about terrible twos, but 3-4 is where the real challenges are. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 1:47:48 PM EDT
[#16]
Working too much.
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Posted: 8/1/2023 1:52:04 PM EDT
[#17]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By RandyBroshankle: Working too much. Yup. There it is. Giving him a car at 16 won’t make up for all the nights you were not there. |
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Posted: 8/1/2023 2:11:05 PM EDT
[#18]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Millennial: Start ignoring him… see how he likes it… the moment he catches onto to what you’re doing he won’t stand for it. Username checks out. |
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SC, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 2:22:29 PM EDT
[#19]
I don't know if it's common, but my 4 year old girl does the same thing. Until she doesn't. She won't let me hold her hand in public. Until she wants me to carry her. She won't give me a kiss. Until she tells me she loves me when going to sleep. She won't give me a hug. Until a stranger looks at her and she can't let go of my leg.
I wouldn't put too much thought into it. I am a very effective person, but I have learned not to expect others to be the same. Makes life a lot simpler. |
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IA, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 2:30:22 PM EDT
[#20]
Take him fishing
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ID, USA
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Posted: 8/1/2023 3:50:07 PM EDT
[#21]
Originally Posted By ShadowAngel: As the title says. My wife and I have a 4 year old son, and for the past few months he's been really cold towards me. It may seem like a silly thing to let bother me, but as a first time parent it's more than a little depressing. I'll work a 12 hour shift at work and come through the door, and he'll look straight at me at tell me to go away or "shoo" when I've been waiting every minute just to get home and see him. He'll wake up crying at night and if I go to check on him he gets pissed and demands his mom and wants nothing to do with me. Wife and I will go pick him up from daycare and he'll walk right past me and go "mommy!" and run to her. It's upsetting my wife and she keeps trying to get him to realize what he's doing, but doesn't seem to be changing anything. And while I brushed it off for like 6 months, it's really starting to wear me down and depress me and i'm not sure how to fix the situation or not let it get me down. This common around this age? A phase that comes and passes? Or something else I should be doing? Mine did the same thing for most of his 4th year of life. He’s 5.5 now and our relationship is much better. |
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Posted: 8/3/2023 3:25:49 PM EDT
[#22]
It’s a phase. I have a 7yo daughter, 4year old daughter, 2 year old son, and one more son due in a few weeks.
I am the enforcer at home. 7 year old loved me right up to about 4 years old. Then hated my guts. Somewhere in that 5th year she came back around. 4 year old daughter is following the exact same playbook. I’m super curious to see if my sons follow the same pattern. |
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LA, USA
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Posted: 8/31/2023 11:58:38 PM EDT
[#23]
Share a hobby and plan activities with just the two of you.
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Posted: 9/1/2023 12:13:30 AM EDT
[#24]
Kids often go back and forth on who they prefer at that age. Keep being a good dad, and don't sweat it. It will pass.
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Posted: 9/1/2023 1:07:47 AM EDT
[#25]
Pick him up at home anyways. Carry him outside and around the house. Carry him outside at night to look at the stars or stand quietly in the dark. Pull him in a wagon around the house or on a sled. Push him
in a jogging buggy. I had a tricycle that had a bar that snapped into the back with a handle bar so I could push and steer. Push him around the neighborhood Tell him "Daddy needs hugs too" |
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Posted: 9/1/2023 1:20:15 AM EDT
[#26]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By RandyBroshankle: Working too much. Kid is just trying to get back at you, for being gone. They don't understand the need to work at that age. He thinks mom is always here for me, where the he'll are you, and what are you doing instead of being with me? Talk to him about that. Don't tolerate his punishment of you. He is not allowed to be rude and disrespectful of his father. And as others have suggested many ways to do, continue to show him that you love him. |
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Posted: 10/16/2023 1:04:16 PM EDT
[#27]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Bigfish9202: It's a phase This. Large family her so Ive seen plenty of children have all kinds of various attitudes to mom, dad, aunts and uncles. Teach him a lesson and crank out 2 or 3 siblings  Truthfully at that age kids gravitate to the mom who is far more compassionate and understanding. Mom needs to be on the same page with you and make sure she's not promoting the idea that she'll offer him an easier path than you do. Also keep in mind your job isn't primarily about being his friend ...its about teaching him to become a man. Find chores to do together...missions to accomplish. Mario cart to play but only with dad. ect. Read him some books at night...tell him stories about boys fighting dragons. Stay consistent. its not his option to sit down with dad and read a book..its part of his education. Your goal is for your adult son to look back and say ..yeah my old man got on my nerves but he led the family ..and was a warrior for us. |
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CO, USA
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Posted: 1/27/2024 1:58:54 AM EDT
[#28]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By RandyBroshankle: Working too much. Exactly. They don’t even know who you are. Take a Parenting class locally I recommend. Anywhere I’ve ever worked it Seems like no one wanted to talk about parenting. Or parenting well. Everyone will complain |
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Posted: 1/27/2024 2:43:42 AM EDT
[#29]
Originally Posted By ShadowAngel: As the title says. My wife and I have a 4 year old son, and for the past few months he's been really cold towards me. It may seem like a silly thing to let bother me, but as a first time parent it's more than a little depressing. I'll work a 12 hour shift at work and come through the door, and he'll look straight at me at tell me to go away or "shoo" when I've been waiting every minute just to get home and see him. He'll wake up crying at night and if I go to check on him he gets pissed and demands his mom and wants nothing to do with me. Wife and I will go pick him up from daycare and he'll walk right past me and go "mommy!" and run to her. It's upsetting my wife and she keeps trying to get him to realize what he's doing, but doesn't seem to be changing anything. And while I brushed it off for like 6 months, it's really starting to wear me down and depress me and i'm not sure how to fix the situation or not let it get me down. This common around this age? A phase that comes and passes? Or something else I should be doing? Same thing here. She just ignores me. |
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Posted: 3/3/2024 12:41:15 PM EDT
[#30]
Originally Posted By AMERIKINSHIP: It’s a phase. I have a 7yo daughter, 4year old daughter, 2 year old son, and one more son due in a few weeks. I am the enforcer at home. 7 year old loved me right up to about 4 years old. Then hated my guts. Somewhere in that 5th year she came back around. 4 year old daughter is following the exact same playbook. I’m super curious to see if my sons follow the same pattern. Update. My second child (5 year old daughter) is about 6 months away from turning 6. In the last week or 2 she has decided she loves me again. Hugs and kisses are back! So yeah, just a phase. |
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Posted: 4/19/2024 11:15:37 PM EDT
[#31]
It is a phase. My oldest from 2-3,maybe 4 preferred my wife to me. I couldn't console him, he would say NO! MOM. It was like he had to pick one favorite and was a bit of a shit to me. He has grown out of it into a very sweet 7 year old. I am probably his favorite now. I wouldnt stress that much. I know it sucks but just keep taking care of them and he will come around.
There were a few times where my son was borderline disrespectful and I would have to nip that in the bud. |
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Posted: 5/5/2024 11:37:11 PM EDT
[#32]
Mom needs to leave him with you for a week or so. He only sees her all day and is mad that you leave all day. If mom leaves and you are his only parent for a short bit i bet it will correct quickly
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CO, USA
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Posted: 5/5/2024 11:40:52 PM EDT
[#33]
Originally Posted By ShadowAngel: As the title says. My wife and I have a 4 year old son, and for the past few months he's been really cold towards me. It may seem like a silly thing to let bother me, but as a first time parent it's more than a little depressing. I'll work a 12 hour shift at work and come through the door, and he'll look straight at me at tell me to go away or "shoo" when I've been waiting every minute just to get home and see him. He'll wake up crying at night and if I go to check on him he gets pissed and demands his mom and wants nothing to do with me. Wife and I will go pick him up from daycare and he'll walk right past me and go "mommy!" and run to her. It's upsetting my wife and she keeps trying to get him to realize what he's doing, but doesn't seem to be changing anything. And while I brushed it off for like 6 months, it's really starting to wear me down and depress me and i'm not sure how to fix the situation or not let it get me down. This common around this age? A phase that comes and passes? Or something else I should be doing? Consider working less and being around him more for routine activities. If you are working 12 hour shifts I hope it is 4 days per week. Take that fifth day and have mom go somewhere else and it be just you and him and father him. |
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Posted: 5/5/2024 11:41:24 PM EDT
[#34]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By mancow: Same thing here. She just ignores me. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By mancow: Originally Posted By ShadowAngel: As the title says. My wife and I have a 4 year old son, and for the past few months he's been really cold towards me. It may seem like a silly thing to let bother me, but as a first time parent it's more than a little depressing. I'll work a 12 hour shift at work and come through the door, and he'll look straight at me at tell me to go away or "shoo" when I've been waiting every minute just to get home and see him. He'll wake up crying at night and if I go to check on him he gets pissed and demands his mom and wants nothing to do with me. Wife and I will go pick him up from daycare and he'll walk right past me and go "mommy!" and run to her. It's upsetting my wife and she keeps trying to get him to realize what he's doing, but doesn't seem to be changing anything. And while I brushed it off for like 6 months, it's really starting to wear me down and depress me and i'm not sure how to fix the situation or not let it get me down. This common around this age? A phase that comes and passes? Or something else I should be doing? Same thing here. She just ignores me. Update, as someone said earlier it's a phase. Now, she runs to me and wants hugs when I get home. Kids are just weird. |
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Posted: 5/5/2024 11:51:16 PM EDT
[#35]
Give mom a girl's weekend and force the kid to deal with you.
My little guy held a grudge for about 3 months after I said something to him. They can take some time to process things. |
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OH, USA
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Posted: Yesterday 10:06:13 AM EDT
[#36]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By mancow: Update, as someone said earlier it's a phase. Now, she runs to me and wants hugs when I get home. Kids are just weird. good! Unfortunately, it'll come around again probably. My 13/14 yr old son knows how to cut deep. Frackn' hormones'. |
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Posted: Yesterday 11:03:42 AM EDT
[#37]
Not my kid, but sorta relevant. A friend of mine has kids that generally adore me. One time after a no kids trip with their parents, their youngest (3) suddenly didn't like me anymore for reasons unknown. This went on for a couple months... The kid that was always hanging on me and trying to get me to play or look at whatever new toy she had, now wanted nothing to do with me. If I came over she'd ask her mom if she could make me leave, hide in other rooms to avoid me, etc.... Finally somewhere along the line when her mom asked for the thousandth time "why dont you like ..." her brother (8) ratted her out and said "its because he wouldn't let her see the horses."
After awhile of brainstorming whatever that meant, it finally clicked... We ran across some "wild" horses while on the trip and somehow when the story was told or maybe it was pictures shared, their daughter got the mindset it was my fault she didn't get to see them and now I was a bad guy. After a quick explanation to the little one, she decided she was sorry for being mad and loved me again. So I guess my point and TLDR, Kids are fickle. I'd try one a few things depending on how you prefer to parent. Get someone to talk with him and figure out what hurt his feelings or made him mad. Spend some you and him only time on something he loves to do and win the affection back. Or, don't tolerate that behavior and beat it out of him (If you don't want to see me and cant act polite, then sit in your room. At 4 they should understand acting right). |
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Posted: Yesterday 11:13:24 AM EDT
[#38]
Behavior that has a reward attached to it will increase in probability. Bear in mind that what you regard as rewarding may not be rewarding to the boy. Find something the boy likes and make sure, with the support of your wife, that you are the only source of that reward.
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