We had a guy, who through a long series of hillarious events, came back with a jar of stale Mt Dew that had actually been fully tested by NDI.

Grid Squares
Blinker Fluid
Muzzle Break Fluid
Azimuth Alignment Device
Breach Plug

Chemlight batteries
Can of track tension
Keys to the motorpool
Batteries for a Prick E-7 or E-8, depending on who you sent him to.
Spare can of squelch for the Prick-77

J
Ha,  similar thing happened to me. I did a brief stint in a "Delta platoon" (that's the TOW missiles) and some guys asked me to see if we could borrow some "donkey dicks" from another platoon. I was like, "sorry guys, I'm not dumb enough to fall for your stupid pranks. I may be a young LT but I ain't stupid".

Donkey dicks are the nozzle you put on the fuel cans. So my guys tried to pour fuel in the vehicles with a makeshift coke can funnel. Spilled fuel all over the place. First sergeant was pissed.


Oops.

My proudest moment, as a contractor, was having the Watch Officer (Female LT) fill out an ID10T form



 

Have to change out the TC's hatch on a 113, start un-screwing......

When I first reported to my first duty station when I was in the Navy I was sent to find a bucket of steam and 50 feet of gig-line. This was just after morning muster mind you so it was around 0830. So off I went in search of a bucket of steam and 50 feet of gig-line.

I didn't show back up until 1530; a half hour before quitting time. My chief was ready to rip me a new asshole because I was gone all day. So I told the chief that I went to Radio, who sent me to administration, who sent me to the Bosun's locker, who sent me to engineering, who sent me to the ship across the pier, who sent me to another ship, and so on and so on and so on. Then with as much sincerity as I could muster I apologized to the chief for not being able to complete my task. The look on his face was priceless, the poor bastard was wracked with guilt thinking that I had walked all over Charleston Naval base looking for this stuff.

Months later we were deployed and one evening during watch a bunch of us were cutting up and they decided to pick on me. They went on and on for a few minuted about how I walked all over the damn base looking for a bucket of steam and and 50 feet of gig-line. I just smiled with the biggest dumb ass looking grin I could muster.

What those poor bastards didn't know was that I actually spent that fateful day not looking for buckets of steam of gig-line, but enjoying a leisurely breakfast at McDonalds, followed by a half dozen games or so of bowling, lunch, working out at the gym, and pricing new cars. I still smile to myself every time I think about that day.

The corollary of "A Message to Garcia" is "Don't Question How The Message Was Delivered", but ain't nobody got no time to read that book.

I did that as a young private once and asked him for the keys to the training area in the same sentence. The look on tops face was priceless , plus the grid squares, asking the motorpool guys for collimeter fluid, 100 mph tape, I also had to hump 2 155mm (one on each shoulder) 2 clicks through the woods so our butter bar could "register" them (autograph it )



I did that too with a breaker bar. (big ass 5 or 6 foot crowbar)

I have a cousin at the Citadel.

He complained of being tired and sleep deprived in class.

I asked him, if he could just drop and do some pushups between classes to get the blood flowing and wake up.

He said he could not, as that would be Self-Hazing



The citadel is either no longer a military academy, OR it is now more 'military' than the actual military

Sent lower enlisted to the supply room for a 'case of hydrostatic locks' and a gallon of the special 'yellow and black' paint so he could redo the safety lines around equipment.  Of course the supply SGT was in on the whole thing!

After like 2 years in, my E5 squad leader tried pulling the PRC77 shit on me during 3 week AT one summer.  I went up to our 1SG who was hanging out in a lounge chair with our CO and a few other NCO's.  Top asks what I need, I said "I need a Prick E8 top!"  He goes, "what'd you say??????"  
I told him Sgt. told me to go fetch a Prick E8 and that I knew what was going on......so we should fuck with him back.

I go back to tent and tell E5 that I couldn't find anything but the CO wanted him real quick.  He was kinda confused but went to see them.  About 10mins later, he comes back with a red face and is like, "Dude, WHAT TEH FUCK?!?!?!?  WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT TRICK?!?!???????"  I just smiled and was like, "Oh, sorry....I was just doing what you asked."

I could so see my response to that: "Why do we need concrete vibrators?"

In Armor we would send the FNG for the key to the turret lock.

Arty battery on LZ San Juan Hill in 'Nam.  We were digging for a new bunker and encountered a huge rock.

Sent a new guy to find some Muzzle Blast.  Placed C4 while he was looking.

One of the gun crews gave him a quart of hydraulic fluid which we poured over the C4.

Worked like a charm and I don't think he ever had a clue.

They tried that shit on me.  I got a box and cut up a map along the grid lines and handed it to the asshat E-5 who sent me on my errand.

I started military school in the 5th grade and dad was a bird colonel at the time (and a Citadel grad himself).  I learned about hazing and dirty tricks from professionals prior to going on active duty.  

Nice try asshat. Spec-4 mafia rules!

So you humiliated him instead of teaching and mentoring him?

You sound like half the guys I used to work construction with until I figured out how to make money with my brain instead of my back.

http://www.ar15.com/archive/topic.html?b=1&f=5&t=1312750

What tools did you guys call donkey dicks? We call drift pins "donkey dicks" (the size and shape is what I would guess is comparable...) where I work (not .mil).



 

My favorite when I was a Squad Leader was sending one of our guys to the Company Gunny for an Asbestos suit because he was pulling targets(aka butts) on the flame thrower range. Company guns just smiled and put his hand on his shoulder and said it would be ok.

I also heard a boot from our Assault Section go to Weapons Platoon's Plt. Sgt asking for a BFA for the SMAW. Then the Plt. Sgt went off on him and I lost my shit.


Still need a box of batteries for the TA-1 field phone.

Nope. Jackholes like him will make Chief.

Go to supply and get a case of NSU and left hand shifters for a squad stove.

We usually sent new guys that had slow run times to one particular E6 to ask for advice. We told the FNG that the E6s wife was a marathon runner and might be able to give him some advice. When he did the E6 would say something like "WTF PRIVATE!!! MY WIFE IS IN A WHEELCHAIR!!!! YOU THINK THAT SHIT IS FUNNY??!??!? FUCKING PUSH!!!!!