You must be new here. How can I make fun of something I did myself?

Well, she's neither a redhead nor crazy, so there's that.

Some people never learn but if you marry, and later divorce, and don't learn from those experiences, well...  

What changed is I grew up and picked better.

That's scary. Did you know she was BPD before or after wedding?

One was enough for me!

Look at her relationship with her father. My wife has an all around shitty relationship with her entire family, especially her dad. I missed those red flags; still with the wife though.

Thing is her dad is actually quite nice; I golf with him and shows a genuine interest in our kids. Her mother (parents divorced) doesn't really care about anyone but herself. I see parts of her mother in my wife and it aggravates the shit out of me.

I look at these and think "no way would I ever do it again".
Things don't change and current marriage ends, I can't even think of being in a relationship at all.
My head is so full of snakes anymore that I'm just messed up.

Nick

Statistically speaking the second wife is different in that she is even worse.  Divorce rates skyrocket from 50% to 63% for 2nd marriages in the US.

I made sure she actually liked sex before marrying her.

This

First marriage was at 18 to my HS gf. That was utterly stupid.

I dated for quite a while after that ended. Learned a lot about what suits me best and to recognize the red flags.

I had always pushed my daughters to finish their education and settle into a career before getting married. The goal was to get them close to 30 and for them to know what makes them happy independently before starting a life with someone else. It also kind of ensures their love interest is mature and self-sufficient by then too. They both have been married 10+ years.

I'd be curious what was on your checklist.

I'm still on No. 1 after 35 years, but my selection process was very similar to the advice you are getting in this thread.

1. Similar values and similar interests (we were both raised in church going families and are both engineers)  The differences (Southern Baptist vs  Catholic) were discussed in depth, and we attended both Churches while dating for four years.

2. Frank and open discussions.  I made my expectations very clear and so did she.  I explained that if she wanted me to do something she needed to TELL me, and not beat around the bush with hints that probably went right over my head and left her frustrated.

3. Similar thoughts about spending.  We both are rather frugal, and made the decision to live a lifestyle that could be supported on one income rather than both.  Initially this was because I was a contractor and the employment market goes up and down, later it was just habit.  We did spend some of her income when the kids were in day care, but have lived solely on my income since 2004.  The end result was that we saved and invested a shit load of money, and have the freedom to continue working or retire without worrying about money.

4. Mutual trust.  Many years ago talking with co-workers at lunch I was surprised to find out that I was the only one whose wife wasn't on an allowance.  I knew I could trust her judgement on money, kids, etc.  She has never failed me with a foolish decision regarding anything serious.  

5. Intelligence.  I married a woman who is smarter than I am.  Luckily, I am wiser than she is and I can prove it:  She didn't marry someone smarter than she was.

Remember when looking for a spouse, you are seeking a friend and partner for life, not a sex doll.

Edit to add:  Women are more emotional than men, and that can lead to misunderstandings.  One comment my wife made years ago describes this:  She said " It took me a long time to realize that you (meaning me) don't care about something I care about (such as paint colors out picking out carpet) doesn't mean you don't love me."

To most men, that statement is pure , but it describes how she felt, and it is up to you to make sure that your wife knows without a doubt that you love her.

This.

Met my 1st wife in my junior year of college and we got married after we graduated. We hadn't finished maturing/growing up and her being a cheating whore didn't help much either. Was with 1st wife a total of 10 years of dating and marriage.

Actually met 2nd wife @ a new job while we were both going through divorces. We were both in our early 30s. Divorces got done and we were both "Soooo... wanna go out?" Fortunately, no kids from previous relationships for either of us.

Just divorced... have to work together... barely know each other... What could go wrong?



We were both IT analysts and did post-mortems on our past relationships. We talked about all the hot-button issues that get relationships in trouble, such as sex, finances, religion, running a household, likes, dislikes, dealbreakers, tastes in music, food, movies, etc., and found that we were on the same page for just about everything.

This past Halloween, we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and we're still having a blast. Our daughter is going off to college this fall. Wife is retiring this summer and we're looking for our next adventure.

Wife 2.0 is a wonderful woman and her family has been awesome as well.

My first wife was normal until we had kids and her parents moved down from NY into my neighborhood.  That’s when shot went south. She went from being my wife/the kids mother back to being their daughter.

That doesn’t work.

Friend of mine married & divorced 3 times, three different women. When he talks about each of them it's apparent he married the same personally type of woman each type.

Being married is hard.

I think most of my once-divorced friends, as well as myself,  married young and under pressure. You don't know what to look for in a partner because looks and sex are two of the biggest drivers of the relationship. You don't know what works or doesn't work, what is a deal breaker, etc because you probably haven't lived with a woman before. You have more financial and sociological stresses as well.

My first wife was a great girlfriend, but poor wife. She didn't cook/clean but also didn't want to contribute financially to the marriage. My money was ours, and her was hers. Her mother got a divorce and the wife felt that she needed to support her mom psychologically, which allowed the usual female's post-divorce hate to spill into our marriage. The ex also started having some pretty bad depression spells, which I never witnessed while dating. She came back after the (fairly nuclear) divorce and accepted most of the blame...even apologized multiple times.

I was able to date casually for years with no intention of a marriage following that. The right one came along, and we're still very happy 9y later.

I have only been married to 1 woman but she is a saint. I did date some girls who were a bit bitchy and i learned what i wanted. Also learned what i didnt want. Additionally when i was younger i made decisions based moreso on how much fun the fornication would be

Eta i got married at 37. I was more focused on what i wanted

This.  Been with my current GF about 4 years.  Was married to my ex for 26 years.  

No intention of getting married again.   GF is going through menopause...She has her moments.  But knows that there's certain things that I WON'T put up with.  

Do 2nd wives suck more dick? Whenever my wife gets going on about how much better 2nd wives get treated, I say it has to be they give blowjobs.

My current wife is a saint first one is a raging cunt that will not grow up.

It's not experience, per se, but failure.

@Sparky

Was that the Nigerian?  That thread was epic!  Sorry it didn’t work out.

I married young the first time, and I knew nothing. Still, vows are vows, and I would have made it work. She struggled with depression and addiction that got worse. She'd probably be an OK partner.

I specifically tried to choose wisely the second time. But it was a narcissist's con, which is hard to avoid. Because it's all real until it isn't. That was bad luck, I guess.

Hell if I know, divorced 30yrs ago and stayed single.

Without reading anything but the OP....

I am going to go out on a limb and say some people wised up the second time.  Actually had discussions of what they expected and what they are willing to do or sacrifice for the marriage.  

Aka.....agree on a bunch of shit before the marriage, probably longer time frame from the first date to wedding day.  The first time they just found out what some of these things they could/could not accept and things about themselves they probably won't change no matter what.

I am not looking, don't give a rats ass if I get married again.  I won't turn down a woman that has my same plans, ideas, and wants to be a part of life that accepts me for my faults; just like I would have to accept her for her faults.  So far she hasn't fallen into my lap, not worried about it.  

You still left some stuff on the table....nurse and/or horse chick?

No idea.  Chose wisely the first time.

Probably because it’s much easier to see the warning signs after you’ve lived with a manipulative sociopath already? Most guys who tell others they chose poorly didn’t get into a healthy relationship the first time through their own doing but rather blindly lucked out when they were fortunate enough to get with one of smaller pool of decent women.

Yep.

I thought that tall, blond and making great money was all that.
I thought I could live with that smart fucking mouth of hers.
Then I grew up and realized I wanted Mary Anne, not Ginger.

With wife #1 I ignored the cardinal rule that all women eventually turn into their mothers. Her mom was a grossly overweight hambeast that incessantly nagged her husband. After 20 years together wife #1 has turned into her mother. I'm still with wife #1 but have mentally already checked out of the marriage and we are basically just roommates at this point. Our kids are nearing the age where they will fly the coop in a few.years and I will be more free to explore my options.

FPNI. I purposefully chose my SO because she was so different from what I married previously

I'm going through a divorce, pain is the best teacher.

I can meet a woman and within five minutes tell you if I could be in a successful relationship with her.

I'm in this position, but my kid is only five and I'm 48. A month ago my wife crossed the rubicon with her behavior, and I'm lawyered up and going through a divorce as we speak. Life is short, and I need peace, living an anxiety riddled life where I'm treated like ann asshole in my own home is just too much for me. I'm not getting any younger, so I'm turning the page.

I forbade ice picks and things have gone well for the last 35 years.

I REALLY took my time with the second. For the first one, I was young and naive and she was an awful choice. And she was awful after the divorce.

I was NOT getting myself into that situation again. I had a lot of work to do to get myself right, so I took the time to do that.

She was a “take it day by day” kinda gal, wanted what was best for her, had to be ready as well. Wouldn’t let me rush her into anything or I might have.

We both put God and our sobriety before our marriage and any other needs.

Here are a few in no particular order.  If you find a woman that has the majority of these qualities, you hit the jackpot.  I sure did.
Like I said, most single women in the USA will see this as unrealistic.

Lives within her income with no credit card debt that she pays interest on
Doesn't care about expensive jewelry or designer clothing
Not fat
Exercises regularly and takes care of her health
No prescription antidepressants or narcotics
Doesn't get drunk or smoke weed
No children out of marriage
No tattoos
Christian woman that goes to church with traditional values
Highly intelligent
Not passive-aggressive or narcissistic
Remains calm in difficult situations
Has great integrity and doesn't justify immoral actions
Embraces her femininity and has a nurturing personality
Not a manipulator
Does things for people out of the kindness of her heart without expecting anything in return
Shows true compassion
Polite, pleasant, and fun to be around

ETA: Doesn't keep her uterus in a jar of formaldehyde.
My book for reference

Very sorry to hear you're in that situation.  When I ejected there were no kids, so I didn't have that to worry about.

It's kinda hard to have kids when my ex kept her uterus in a canning jar filled with formaldehyde. That didn't stop her from accusing me in divorce court of having a miscarriage because I refused to take her to the hospital.

That sure helps!

First wife is a wonderful person and we are still friends, but life was incredibly boring and she did cheat. She was also awful with money. Tubes were tided after kid #2 was born and all sex ended.
Wife #2 is from Taiwan, crazy in some ways, we do argue more than I’d like but she is amazing with money, loyal, and in the bedroom.. our parts fit together wonderfully. Amazingly in fact.
I’m sure we will be together till the end.

I don't know, first wife was four years younger, I was 24 and she was 19. Second wife was 19 as well, but I was 33. I liked the first one better, and that one was my fault. The second one was a lot of fun. More of a plaything than a wife in the end though.

Since that one I've found it better to rent.

Right?

My first wife was a redheaded nurse.

I'm still traumatized.

Yep, making sure she likes sex (with men) is actually extremely important.

Not a crazy cheater and 20 years younger.

I was going to say “Aren’t you the guy who went to live in some African country with your wife?”

I can understand anyone getting divorced...once.
It's the two and three times losers that make me scratch my head. Why even bother?
I worked with two cops that each married the same woman twice. I mean: one woman, two guys, four divorces.
Literally...how?
Are you guys just swapping a beard?

Not everyone gets handed the same marriage manual at birth.

People raised by a parent or parents with personality characteristics that don't lend to stable relationships tend to gravitate towards the same kind of personality.

My father was literally a child in a mans body and an alcoholic so ................. my sister subconciously sought out and married 2 guys of the same mould before she went to a therapist, recognized the pattern and broke the habit. She's been happily married for 20 years now.

That scenario is pretty common.