Originally Posted By Zebra120:
I will be the voice of dissent....

I would make that move without a second thought. I actually like my mother in law, but he does get on my nerves on occasion. Even with that, that sort of upward housing move at basically no cost, and being able to care for family with built in child care is a no brainer.

Originally Posted By wayfaerer320:
I guess it's my turn to do one of these...

My father-in-law passed away 4 weeks ago and now my mother-in-law wants us to move in with her. My wife is onboard - I am not.

We (my wife and I are both 39) currently live in a twin (have so since 2015) and our goal is to find a single family home with some more yard space for our two girls (3 and 6) and our dog. We actually love our twin - it's easy to take care of and we have everything set up the way we want it. We also have great neighbors and the neighborhood itself is great. We still want a single family, but are perfectly content waiting until we either A.) Have more money/equity in our current home and/or B.) The right opportunity presents itself. And here lies the problem - that opportunity (in my wife and mother-in-law's mind) has now presented itself...

Her parents have always talked about us buying their house one day because they know that's our goal - a single family. And the market has been terrible for buyers so us buying their house (to them) would be a no brainer. It's a gorgeous large single family home with a big yard in an even nicer neighborhood. 3 car garage and house is completely turn-key - it's a gorgeous property. The best part is that we would have no mortgage because it would basically be gifted to us (yes, I know there are taxes involved in that process). All of that is a no-brainer, right? Well, it is to my wife and MIL.

4 weeks ago, my father-in-law passed away at 73 - he beat Leukemia with a stem-cell transplant, but it weakened him so badly that during the stem-cell recovery, an infection caused him to go down hill and he never recovered.

We're all devastated (he was a great man). And within days of his passing my MIL tells my wife she wants to sell the house, that is, unless we want to take it, provided she lives downstairs (they have a suite downstairs).

For a lot of reasons, it's a great idea - financially it's a no-brainer and we'd have a single family house in a dream neighborhood and the girls would have space, our dog, etc - we'd even have a babysitter there 24/7 for the girls.

For a long time, I thought "Yes, this will be great."

Now that it's here I've realized I cannot live in the same house as my mother-in-law - our marriage will now no longer be the two of us, but now my myself, my wife, and her mother. I don't think I REALLY thought about how that would change our family dynamic until now - when it's here and a decision needs to be made. Even with my MIL living downstairs, the dynamic that currently exists between my wife and children - it will be forever changed with her mother living in the same house.

I've always been somebody who says Yes because I want to please people and not hurt peoples feelings, but this is a hill I am willing to die on - I will not sacrifice my own happiness just to make my wife and more importantly my now widowed MIL feel better after losing my FIL.

My wife is really upset because she says I'm making her choose between her husband and her mother - I lost my cool when she said that and said, "So, who's it going to be - me or your mother?!"

What really bothers me is that this is the last thing I wanted to speak up about literally 4 weeks after her Dad died - everyone should be focusing on grieving. The problem is that her mom is pushing the shit out of this (party because I think she's super depressed and lonely and is thinking irrationally because of just losing her husband). The last thing I wanted to do is tell me wife "No" right now - just weeks after her Dad died - she has enough on her mind. But two days ago, my MIL told me wife (who told me) that we "should sell her house now because it's a good time to sell" - that's when I lost it and said (in my head) now is the time to speak up about this.

I will not (no matter how great the house is or how great it would be financially) completely alter my family dynamic and my own sanity by doing this. None of that is more important to me than my wife and kids and I refuse to change my life and our family dynamic because they think it's a good move.

Am I the asshole?

----------------------------------

UPDATE:

My wife spoke to her mother a little while ago and told her how I felt about it.

She's pissed and said the house is now off the table - she's selling and will find someplace to live. She was real short with my wife and didn't say a word when she left her house. Just said, "Fine - leave."

She was the one who forced a decision to be made less than 4 weeks after my FIL's death - I spoke up (for probably one of the few times in my life ever) and said I cannot do it - certainly not now.

But now I'm a huge asshole.

Originally Posted By QueenDeNile:
Trust your gut. If you were really an asshole you would have her sign over the house and the first time she played the "I gave you the house" card evict her.

Originally Posted By m1awolf:


In this camp as well,but I see OP torpedoed that option. OP missed a great opportunity for "happy wife happy life". MIL would have been grateful to have her daughter "back home" and the grand kids as well. OP may have had to "swallow" some of that pride but that's what guys do to ensure a healthy relationship/family. OP took a dump in the punch bowl and will be regretting it. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if his wife packed up the kids and moved in with mom.

ETA caught up with OP's replies on the previous page. Good to hear the wife is staying level headed,maybe revisit the option in a few years.

Originally Posted By livfreely:




Bolded underlined part is what sealed the deal for me stating you are an asshole.  I believe this exact statement came up in one of those women/wife leaving threads.


So you passed up on a free house!  Way to look out for your family dumbass!  Good luck living out the rest of your life in a "twin", because from reading your post it sounds like that might be the best you are going to be able to do

Originally Posted By Torf:
Username does not check out.  "Free house?"  How much is that "free house" going to cost you when you may never actually end up owning it in the first place?

lol

Some of you are so simple-minded.

Originally Posted By BURN:
Without knowing how you MIl acts towards you and you wife it hard to answer.

If she stays quiet and out of your marriage you are possibly loosing out.

If she tries to be in the middle of everything then you are correct.

Plus help with the kids can be a big bonus.

Originally Posted By CJ7365:
WTF is a twin? How do you live in a mattress?

Originally Posted By InsaneRusher:
FPNI

Originally Posted By Torf:
Username does not check out.  "Free house?"  How much is that "free house" going to cost you when you may never actually end up owning it in the first place?

lol

Some of you are so simple-minded.

Originally Posted By Into_the_Void:
You're in a tough spot.  Everyone is emotional, panicked, and anxious.  

I could not under any circumstances live with my MIL nor could I have her raise my kids.

Originally Posted By paul463:
How many years do you figure MIL  has left?

Originally Posted By wsullivan:

Anyone know WITF that means?

Originally Posted By wayfaerer320:

…and even more concerning is her name (and not ours) be on the house.

Originally Posted By Zebra120:
I will be the voice of dissent....

I would make that move without a second thought. I actually like my mother in law, but he does get on my nerves on occasion. Even with that, that sort of upward housing move at basically no cost, and being able to care for family with built in child care is a no brainer.

Originally Posted By MrHelper:
We're at the point in the thread where the retards and people who don't read start taking over

Originally Posted By Dragynn:
Mind is kinda blown right now at the "free shit army" guys in this thread, funny they'd be the first ones to cuss out people on welfare.

Personally, I got FAR more respect for a man who makes a plan and sticks with it and actually EARNS his reward, instead of hopping like vultures on a free house when somebody dies but first being willing to put up with maybe a decade or three of kissing somebody's ass and being a miserable unhappy simp for all that time.

My wife and I own our own home outright, nobody gave us anything, we EARNED it by hard work, we made a plan and stuck though it through thick and thin, and became better people and better partners in life as a result.

OP is a MAN. And he is setting a good example for his children, to be self-sufficient and strong and do for themselves instead of expecting other people to do it for them.

Originally Posted By wayfaerer320:
I guess it's my turn to do one of these...

My father-in-law passed away 4 weeks ago and now my mother-in-law wants us to move in with her. My wife is onboard - I am not.

We (my wife and I are both 39) currently live in a twin (have so since 2015) and our goal is to find a single family home with some more yard space for our two girls (3 and 6) and our dog. We actually love our twin - it's easy to take care of and we have everything set up the way we want it. We also have great neighbors and the neighborhood itself is great. We still want a single family, but are perfectly content waiting until we either A.) Have more money/equity in our current home and/or B.) The right opportunity presents itself. And here lies the problem - that opportunity (in my wife and mother-in-law's mind) has now presented itself...

Her parents have always talked about us buying their house one day because they know that's our goal - a single family. And the market has been terrible for buyers so us buying their house (to them) would be a no brainer. It's a gorgeous large single family home with a big yard in an even nicer neighborhood. 3 car garage and house is completely turn-key - it's a gorgeous property. The best part is that we would have no mortgage because it would basically be gifted to us (yes, I know there are taxes involved in that process). All of that is a no-brainer, right? Well, it is to my wife and MIL.

4 weeks ago, my father-in-law passed away at 73 - he beat Leukemia with a stem-cell transplant, but it weakened him so badly that during the stem-cell recovery, an infection caused him to go down hill and he never recovered.

We're all devastated (he was a great man). And within days of his passing my MIL tells my wife she wants to sell the house, that is, unless we want to take it, provided she lives downstairs (they have a suite downstairs).

For a lot of reasons, it's a great idea - financially it's a no-brainer and we'd have a single family house in a dream neighborhood and the girls would have space, our dog, etc - we'd even have a babysitter there 24/7 for the girls.

For a long time, I thought "Yes, this will be great."

Now that it's here I've realized I cannot live in the same house as my mother-in-law - our marriage will now no longer be the two of us, but now my myself, my wife, and her mother. I don't think I REALLY thought about how that would change our family dynamic until now - when it's here and a decision needs to be made. Even with my MIL living downstairs, the dynamic that currently exists between my wife and children - it will be forever changed with her mother living in the same house.

I've always been somebody who says Yes because I want to please people and not hurt peoples feelings, but this is a hill I am willing to die on - I will not sacrifice my own happiness just to make my wife and more importantly my now widowed MIL feel better after losing my FIL.

My wife is really upset because she says I'm making her choose between her husband and her mother - I lost my cool when she said that and said, "So, who's it going to be - me or your mother?!"

What really bothers me is that this is the last thing I wanted to speak up about literally 4 weeks after her Dad died - everyone should be focusing on grieving. The problem is that her mom is pushing the shit out of this (party because I think she's super depressed and lonely and is thinking irrationally because of just losing her husband). The last thing I wanted to do is tell me wife "No" right now - just weeks after her Dad died - she has enough on her mind. But two days ago, my MIL told me wife (who told me) that we "should sell her house now because it's a good time to sell" - that's when I lost it and said (in my head) now is the time to speak up about this.

I will not (no matter how great the house is or how great it would be financially) completely alter my family dynamic and my own sanity by doing this. None of that is more important to me than my wife and kids and I refuse to change my life and our family dynamic because they think it's a good move.

Am I the asshole?

----------------------------------

UPDATE:

My wife spoke to her mother a little while ago and told her how I felt about it.

She's pissed and said the house is now off the table - she's selling and will find someplace to live. She was real short with my wife and didn't say a word when she left her house. Just said, "Fine - leave."

She was the one who forced a decision to be made less than 4 weeks after my FIL's death - I spoke up (for probably one of the few times in my life ever) and said I cannot do it - certainly not now.

But now I'm a huge asshole.

Originally Posted By GDaawg:
The USA is one of the only countries where family homes aren't universally multigenerational. That's tells you all you need to know about western society.

Originally Posted By wayfaerer320:

I guess I expected that - I get it.