Warning not for the faint at heart

A a wife is talking to her husband are talking about how to discipline their son, and at what point the husband asks the wife, why is this subject coming up now.  He thought this issue was handled years ago.  At that point the wife brought up how her day went, and while she was cleaning up their son's room, she found a stack of S&M magazines under his bed.  Well her husband thought about it for a minute, and then said, "Grounding is in order, but there's no way in hell that I'm going to spank him!"

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Striker's dog is just as nutty as he is.

OMG That was hysterical!!!

Two good ol' boys were sitting on the front porch drinking beer, when one turns to the other and asks,  "If when you're out fishing on Saturday, if I sneak over to your house and fuck your wife and she gets pregnant and has a kid, will that make us kin?"

The other guy thinks for a while and replies, "Hmmmmm, I don't know if it would make us kin, but it would make us even!"

TEN PUNS

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.²

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.² The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive.²

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour,

the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  ³But why?²  they asked, as they moved off. ³Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts   boasting in an open foyer.²

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ³Ahmal.² The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ³Juan² Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.²

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.



9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, its good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Wife comes home from a long day at the gym and informs her husband she is leaving him and moving to Vegas to make some real money.  A friend told her she can make 500 bucks per blow job.

The husband is shocked but helps her pack her things cuz she is leaving in the morning.

The wife is surprised to see that the husband is packing a bag too and asks why he is doing so.

He says "honey, I'm coming to Vegas with you"

She says "but why honey, I'm leaving you"

He says "cuz I gotta see how you are gonna live off $1000 a year"

Why is there a hole in the end of a penis?

So men can be open-minded!

OK, you opened that can of worms....


Why is the head of a man's penis wider than the shaft?

So my hand doesn't fly off!






Hey,  I think I found a new avatar!




CJ

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolledhis eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'

If you're one of those 156 million forward this.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: Striker's dog is just as nutty as he is.

I think that is the funniest video I have ever seen.

A young redneck couple were on the first night of their honeymoon. As the man slips into bed his new wife says to him "honey, be gentle, I'm a virgin" the man jumps up and runs out of the hotel and strait to his pa's house. He tells his pa through tears what his wife said, his pa says to him "that's alright son, if she aint good enough for her family then she aint good enough for ours neither!"

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat int he toilet and close both lids.
   
   You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; that cat is actually enjoying this.


5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'


6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom adn run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,



The Dog

A Buddhist monk goes on vacation to New York City.    While he's visiting Central Park, he finds a hotdog stand,   walks up to it,  and says to the man running it,  "Give me a Buddhist's perfect hot dog."

The owner says,  "I don't know what that is, sir.  Could you give me a hint?"

To which the Buddhist explains, "Make me one with everything."




CJ

Toilet Cleaning Instructions

-snip-

?

x1000

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 48 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing green eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Before long I assume I'll resemble Belinda. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee and I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop, so I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little tramp. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.

An oldie but a goodie:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.  Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.  Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

^^

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.



Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

The Man Who Knew Too Much

Let's take just a quick look at the history of baby having. For
thousands of years, only women had babies. Primitive women would go off
into primitive huts and groan and wail and sweat while other women
hovered around. The primitive men stayed outside doing manly things,
such as lifting heavy objects and spitting. When the baby was born, the
women would clean it up as best they could and show it to the man, who
would spit appreciatively and head off to the forest to throw sharp
sticks at small animals. If you had suggested to the primitive man that
they should actually watch women have babies, they would have laughed at
you and probably tortured you for three or four days. They were real
men.

At the beginning of the 20th century, women started having babies in
hospital rooms. Often males were present, but they were professional
doctors who were paid large sums of money and wore masks. Normal
civilian males continued to stay out of the baby having area; they
remained in waiting rooms reading old copies of Field and Stream. An
activity that is less manly than lifting heavy objects but still
reasonably manly.

What I'm getting at is that for the most of history, baby having was
mainly in the hands (so to speak) of women. Many fine people were born
under this system, Charles Lindbergh, for example. Things changed
though, in the 1970's. The birth rate dropped sharply. Women started
going to college and driving bulldozers and carrying briefcases and
firehoses. They just didn't have time to have babies. For awhile
there, the only people having babies were unwed teenage girls, who are
very fertile and can get pregnent merely by standing downwind from
teenage boys.

Then your professional couples began to realize that their lives were
missing something, a sense of stability, of companionship, of
responsibility for another life. So they got Labrador Retrievers. A
little later, they started having babies again, mainly because of the
tax advantages. These days you can't open your car door without hitting
a pregnant woman. But there's a catch, women now EXPECT a man to watch
them have babies. This is called "Natural Childbirth" which is one of
those terms that sounds terrific but nobody really understands. Another
is "pH Balanced".

At first, Natural Childbirth was popular only with hippie-type
granola-oriented couples who lived in dorms and named their babies
things like Peace Love World Understanding Harrington-Schwartz. The
couples, their brains badly corroded by drugs and organic food, wrote
articles about what a Meaningful Experience it is to see a New Life come
into the world. None of these articles mentioned the various other
fluids and solids that come into the world with the New Life, so people
got the impression that watching somebody have a baby was just a peck of
meaningful fun. At cocktail parties, you'd run into natural-childbirth
converts who would drone on for hours giving you contraction by
contraction accounts of what went on in the delivery room. They were
worse than Moonies, or people who tell you how much they bought their
houses for in 1973 and how much they're worth today.

Before long Natural Childbirth was everywhere, like salad bars, and now
perfectly innocent civil males all over the country are required by
Federal law to watch females have babies. I recently had to watch my
wife have a baby in Bryan Mawr Hospital. Bryan Mawr, for God's sake.
First, we had to go to 10 evening childbirth classes at the hospital.
Before the classes, the hospital told us, mysteriously, to bring two
pillows. This was the first humiliation, because no two of our
pillowcases match and many have beer or cranberry juice stains. It may
be possible to walk down the streets of Kuala Lampur with stained,
unmatched pillowcases and still feel dignified, but this is not possible
in Bryan Mawr.

Anyway, we showed up for the first class, along with about 15 other
couples consisting of women who were going to have babies and men who
were going to have to watch them. They all had matching pillowcases.
In fact, some couples had obviously purchased tasteful pillowcases
especially for childbirth class. These were the Main Line type couples,
wearing golf and tennis apparel, who were planning to have wealthy
babies. They sat together through all the classes, and eventually
agreed to get together for brunch. The classes consisted of sitting in
a brightly lit room and openly discussing, among other things, the
uterus. Now I can remember a time, in high school, when I would have
killed for reliable information on the uterus. But having discussed it
at length, and having seen actual full-color diagrams, I must say in all
honesty that although I respect it a great deal as an organ, it has lost
much of it's charm.

Our childbirth class instructor was very big on the uterus because
that's where babies generally spend their time before birth. She also
spent some time on the ovum, which is near the ovaries. What happens is
the ovum hangs around reading novels and eating chocolates until along
comes the big crowd of spermatozoa, which are tiny, very stupid one
celled organisms. They are looking for the ovum, but most of them
wouldn't know it if they fell over it. They swim around for days,
trying to mate with the pancreas and whatever other organs they bump
into. but eventually one stumbles in to the ovum, and the happy couple
parades down the fallopian tubes to the uterus. In the uterus, the
Miracle of Life begins, unless you believe the Miracle of Life does not
begin there, and if you think I'm going to get into that, you're crazy.
Anyway, the ovum starts growing rapidly and divides into lots of little
specialized parts, not unlike the Federal Government. Within six weeks,
it has developed all the orgains it needs to drool. By 10 weeks, it has
the ability to cry in restaurants. In childbirth class, they showed us
actual pictures of a fetus developing inside a uterus. They didn't tell
us how these pictures were taken, but I suspect it involved a great deal
of drinking.

We saw lots of pictures. One evening we saw a movie of a woman we
didn't even know having a baby. I am serious. Some woman acutally
let some movie makers film the whole thing. In color. She was from
California. Another time, the instructor announced in the tone of
voice you might use to tell people that they had just won free trips
to the Bahamas, that we were going to see colored slides of a
Caesarian Section. The first slides showed a pregnant woman
cheerfully entering the hospital. The last slides showed her
cheerfully holding a baby. The middle slides showed how they got the
baby out of the cheerful woman, but I can't give you a lot of detail
here because I had to go out for 15 or 20 drinks of water. I do
remember that at one point our instructor cheerfully observed that
there was "surprisingly little blood, really". She evidently felt
that was a real selling point.

When we weren't looking at pictures or discussing the uterus, we
practiced breathing. This is where the pillows came in. What happens
is that when the baby gets ready to leave the uterus, the woman goes
through a series of what the medical community laughingly refers to as
"contractions", if it referred to them as "horrible pains that make
you wonder why the hell you ever decided to get pregnant" people might
stop having babies and the medical community would have to go into the
major appliance business.

In the old days, under President Eisenhower, doctors avoided the
contraction problem by giving lots of drugs to women who were having
babies. They'd knock them out during the delivery, and the women would
wake up when their kids were entering the fourth grade. But the idea
with the Natural Childbirth is to try to avoid giving the woman a lot of
drugs, so she can share the first intimate moments after birth with the
baby and father, and the obstetrician, the pediatrician, the standby
anesthesiologist, several nurses, and the person who cleans the
delivery room. The key to avoiding drugs according to the Natural
Childbirth people, is for the woman to breathe deeply. Really. Then
the theory says that she'll get all relaxed and won't notice that she's
in a hospital delivery room wearing a truly perverted garment and having
a baby. I'm not sure who came up with this theory. Whoever it was
evidently believed that women have very small brains.

So in childbirth classes, we spent a lot of time sprawled on these mats
with our pillows while the women pretended to have contractions, and the
men squatted around with stopwatches and pretended to time them. The
Main Line couples didn't care for this part. They were not into
squatting. After a couple of classes, they started bringing little
backgammon sets and playing backgammon when they were supposed to be
practicing breathing. I imagine they had a rough time in actual
childbirth, unless they got the servants to have the contractions for
them.

Anyway, my wife and I trapsed along for months, breathing and timing,
respectively. We had no problems whatsoever. We were a terrific team.
We had a swell time. Really.

The actual delivery was slightly more difficult. I don't want to name
names, but I held up my end. I had my stopwatch in good working order
and I told my wife to breathe. "Don't forget to breathe.", I'd say, or
"You should breathe, you know." She, on the other hand, was unusually
cranky. For example, she didn't want me to use my stopwatch. Can you
imagine? All that practice, all that squatting on the Natural
Childbirth classroom floor, and she suddenly gets into this big snit
about stopwatches. Also, she almost completely lost her sense of humor.
At one point, I made an especially amusing remark, and she tried to hit
me. She usually has an excellent sense of humor.

Nonetheless, the baby came out all right, or at least all right for a
newborn baby, which is actually pretty awful unless you're a big fan
of slime. I thought I had held up well through the whole thing when
the doctor, who up to then had behaved like a perfectly rational
person, said "Would you like to see the placenta?" Now let's face it,
that's like asking "Would you like to pour hot tar into your
nostrils?" Nobody would like to see a placenta. If anything, it
would be a form of punishment:

Jury: We find the defendant guilty of stealing from the old and the
crippled.

Judge: I sentence the defendant to look at three placentas.

But without wating for an answer, the doctor held up the placenta, not
unlike the way you might hold up a bowling trophy. I bet he wouldn't
have tried that with people who have matching pillowcases. The placenta
aside, everything worked out fine. We ended up with an extremely
healthy natural baby, who immediatedly demanded to be put back into the
uterus.

All in all, I'd say it's not a bad way to reproduce, although I
understand that some members of the flatworm family simply divide into
two.

HILARIOUS!  
One of the most entertaining things I've read in a while.
Sounds like a Garrison Keilor piece. Thanks, I was in need of a good laugh.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal? ' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?"

Originally Posted By 15jonshoot: <snipping and emailing to friends off this board.>

FTW:

They swim around for days, trying to mate with the pancreas and whatever other organs they bump into. but eventually one stumbles in to the ovum, and the happy couple parades down the fallopian tubes to the uterus. In the uterus, the Miracle of Life begins, unless you believe the Miracle of Life does not begin there, and if you think I'm going to get into that, you're crazy.

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they
end up
leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment.


She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and
hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the
entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have
such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.


They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the
one!


Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He
responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.


The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks
coyly, 'Well, how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply
into her eyes, and says:


'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

Why women should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to
escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him
why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."




Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbot


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,

track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my

computer and I wan t to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.

What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'





How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.




The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter!




Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN     THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the    dogs they are!





Thoughts


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any
more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that
life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how
lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted
on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move
the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the
one that you've never tried before.





You Might be a Redneck Jedi if...


Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word “chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said, "My finger you will pull….hmmm?"

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side, it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womprat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own don't function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with  your lightsaber.

You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father.  And your uncle.   And your brother...




Hope that wasn't too many............

Originally Posted By qbit_az: You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

The visual from that one really cracks me up!  Just make sure that it's high enough that the Sarlaac can't send a tongue/tentacle thing right up through the toilet seat.

Alright i got a joke for ya guys, its a wisconsin joke so bare with me.

There are 3 guys shooting clay pigeons at a gun range, 1 is from tennesse, 1 from illinois, and the other from wisconsin.

So the guy from tennesse walks up, pulls a bottle of jack daniels out of his bag, takes a swig, throws it up in the air and shoots it.  The wisconsin and illinois guys are like, what the hell?  Thats good whiskey.  The tennesse guy replies, where im from, that stuff is all over!

So the guy from illinois walks up to the shooting line, pulls a bottle of champagne from his bag, takes a swig, throws it up in the air, and shoots it.  The wisconsin guy, and tennesse guys are like, what the hell, thats a cheap drunk!  The illinois guy says, where im from, that stuff is a dime a dozen.

So the wisconsin guy walks up to the line, pulls a bottle of miller lite, slams the bottle down, throws it up in the air, and shoots the illinois guy dead.  The tennesse guy is like, what the hell, dont shoot!  The wisconsin guy says, relax, relax, where im from, those fuckers are everywhere!

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young
man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the king until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh, sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let
the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the
first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the
TRUE mother-in-law."

Lawyer to Chelsea Clinton:
"Let me get this straight Chelsea. You want to sue Monica Lewinsky for swallowing your brother"?

From another board I frequent:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. That's nice she thinks, but I want more. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. Wow she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. Oh mercy me! She exclaims, I can hardly stand it! Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay but she goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third floor has wives that love sex, have money and like to drink beer. The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to  verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at  home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.. The woman said "Unbutton your shirt." So I  opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my  experience at the Social Security office. She said,   "You should have  dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability  too."

OUCH  that stings

A  little girl asked  her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother  answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they  had

children and so was all mankind  made.'

Two days later the girl asked  her father the same  question.

The father answered, 'Many  years ago there were  monkeys from

which the human race evolved.'

 The  confused girl returned to her mother  and said, 'Mom, how is

it possible that you told me the  human race was  created by God,

and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'



The mother  answered, 'Well, dear, it is very  simple. I told you

about my side of the family and your  father told you about his.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order  
music company where my wife works as a customer service  
representative.  

Some college students, who were working part-time inputting  
customer information, wrote the following notes regarding  
some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles:  
'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"  

<Removed.  This is not a good forum to troll with political drivel.  --tbk1>

A man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 a.m.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." "And who is going to give you a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my butt is hanging out a mile, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."