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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:12:56 AM EDT
I see this all the time in GD: "my first wife was a raging cunt. I've since married a saint and been together for 10 years."
What made it so different the second(or third or fourth) time? How were you so horrible at picking a mate and then so good at it? Was it blind luck in both cases? Or were there real criteria you developed after the bad experience? And if so, what were they? |
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LA, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:16:21 AM EDT
[#1]
Originally Posted By SturmgeschutzIII: I see this all the time in GD: "my first wife was a raging cunt. I've since married a saint and been together for 10 years." What made it so different the second(or third or fourth) time? How were you so horrible at picking a mate and then so good at it? Experience is the best teacher. 
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:18:44 AM EDT
[#2]
I was young and didn't have a lot of guidance socially (I guess is how I would describe it?) so I was oblivious to things that should have been obvious red flags. Marriage only lasted 2 or 3 years.
I stayed single for a long time, got shit sorted out, and got wiser to how people and the world work. When I got together with this one we dated for 4 years before moving in together and lived together for 10 more years before getting married (which was just for insurance purposes anyway). |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:21:14 AM EDT
[#3]
Originally Posted By killstick_engaged: Experience is the best teacher. I know, but I prefer to learn from other dudes' dumb mistakes. Sharing is caring.  |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:22:02 AM EDT
[#4]
She would only get half the shit you have left from the first one
Stop getting married |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:24:28 AM EDT
[#5]
I imported #2 and it did not go well. #3 (not married) is originally from Ukraine but is a US citizen now is going much better.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:25:52 AM EDT
[#6]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Sparky: I imported #2 and it did not go well. #3 (not married) is originally from Ukraine but is a US citizen now is going much better. Were you on 90df or any of the spin offs? 
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:26:32 AM EDT
[#7]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By brandon_: Were you on 90df or any of the spin offs? No |
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FL, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:27:36 AM EDT
[#8]
She ain’t the first one!!!
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:28:09 AM EDT
[#9]
Originally Posted By Crazyascanbe: She would only get half the shit you have left from the first one Stop getting married I've never been married. I'm interested in this phenomenon. Married people often quip "choose better" in mgtow threads. But then I see quotes like in OP where guys seemingly chose very poorly and then chose amazingly. Originally Posted By Sparky: I imported #2 and it did not go well. #3 (not married) is originally from Ukraine but is a US citizen now is going much better. so kind of random and unlucky/lucky in this case? |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:32:59 AM EDT
[#10]
In for answers! I have wondered about this for years.
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IA, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:34:10 AM EDT
[#11]
second time around you see the bad as well as the good going in and know that the bad isn't to the level you'd eject over
first time around you have no frame of reference for what is and isn't deal breaking and you rush in blindly |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:36:11 AM EDT
[#12]
The second time around I found, or should I say found again since we dated in college, a girl that had similar interests, loved family and has the same wants and needs in life as I do!
People with opposing views on life and love generally never work. I chose wrong the first time but wouldn’t have my kids if I chose differently in the beginning so I don’t regret my choices! Find someone who you can see yourself growing old together, find someone who you can talk to for hours even ifs it’s about nothing in particular. Find someone who loves your family and gets along with them ( one of the many reasons I’m not with my ex) I could go one and on but basically she’s polar opposite of my first wife! |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:38:24 AM EDT
[#13]
On my second one, I didn't play games or try to be anybody other than who I was. Same for her. There were no surprises, and to be honest, it was a great match from the start.
Still, we were both turned off by marriage. We lived together for 19 years before we got hitched, living through the old age and death of parents. The major difference between my first and second wife was kindness. My first wife could fake it if she tried. My wife is inherently, naturally kind. My wife amazes me constantly, with her intelligence, wit, and her ability to make me feel loved. My first wife...really never did. It wasn't that my first wife was a bad person, so much as that we weren't the right people for each other. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:38:26 AM EDT
[#14]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By DrRockso: second time around you see the bad as well as the good going in and know that the bad isn't to the level you'd eject over first time around you have no frame of reference for what is and isn't deal breaking and you rush in blindly I like this answer. What might be some examples of this? Like excessive drinking and going out that you thought she'd grow out of and didn't? Nagging that was cute at first and then wasn't? |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:39:03 AM EDT
[#15]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By DrRockso: second time around you see the bad as well as the good going in and know that the bad isn't to the level you'd eject over first time around you have no frame of reference for what is and isn't deal breaking and you rush in blindly Very well said, and true in my case. |
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GA, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:39:04 AM EDT
[#16]
I was young and dumb and my family would have castrated me if I shacked up before marriage.
So I didn’t have the opportunity to test drive and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life… |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:40:13 AM EDT
[#17]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By SturmgeschutzIII: so kind of random and unlucky/lucky in this case? Not really. How well can you really get to know someone during a international relationship? They can put on a pretty good show during the times you are actually together. |
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SC, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:42:47 AM EDT
[#18]
I wasn't actually married, but lived together for a while. Almost like we were married (and she thought we were going to, all our friends started getting married, she wanted to and I realized I had to get out because she was BPD)
It's like any other relationship. I'm the beginning, it seems great, and you ignore a few warning signs because otherwise it is great. When it goes terribly wrong, especially with a borderline person, you realize those little warning signs shouldn't have been ignored. You pay more attention to them the next time around, instead of just being obsessed with perfect boobs or ability to suck a golf ball thru a garden hose. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:45:24 AM EDT
[#19]
Originally Posted By JDeere7296: The second time around I found, or should I say found again since we dated in college, a girl that had similar interests, loved family and has the same wants and needs in life as I do! People with opposing views on life and love generally never work. I chose wrong the first time but wouldn’t have my kids if I chose differently in the beginning so I don’t regret my choices! Find someone who you can see yourself growing old together, find someone who you can talk to for hours even ifs it’s about nothing in particular. Find someone who loves your family and gets along with them ( one of the many reasons I’m not with my ex) I could go one and on but basically she’s polar opposite of my first wife! Awesome! You legitimately did get better at choosing! Originally Posted By Sixtigers: On my second one, I didn't play games or try to be anybody other than who I was. Same for her. There were no surprises, and to be honest, it was a great match from the start. Still, we were both turned off by marriage. We lived together for 19 years before we got hitched, living through the old age and death of parents. The major difference between my first and second wife was kindness. My first wife could fake it if she tried. My wife is inherently, naturally kind. My wife amazes me constantly, with her intelligence, wit, and her ability to make me feel loved. My first wife...really never did. It wasn't that my first wife was a bad person, so much as that we weren't the right people for each other. How old were yall when you met the second one? Not playing games seems correlated to age. So your first wife kind of faked making you feel loved and this something you didn't realize until after marriage? |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:48:52 AM EDT
[#20]
First go I was young and stupid and thought either the problems would go away or I could fix them. Second go I knew what the look for and consider her my best friend.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:49:29 AM EDT
[#21]
I knew I shouldnt have married my first wife. We were together since I was 18.. Then when I turned 24-25 it was expected that we get married... I felt like I was in to far to pull the chord.. Fuck I wish I had... Difference now with the GF is we actually like each other.. Enjoy a lot of the same things.. We talk about everything. Been together over 2 years and we have had 2 fights. And even those weren't a big deal.. Our outlook on things are very similar. We work in the same-ish profession so we can talk about our days and its interesting to both of us, not just one person yammering on about this or that.. I feel like that makes a very big difference in itself. The biggest difference for me this go around is that after my divorce I was single for several years.. And was happy.. You got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:50:10 AM EDT
[#22]
I had a long checklist after divorcing my ex for what traits a woman must have and what traits are completely unacceptable. Many women told me I was unrealistic.
Some may recall my "Tales of the Crazy" in the archives and I wrote a book about it. https://www.ar15.com/forums/general/New_member_of_the_ARFCOM_curse__tales_of_the_crazy/75-1886783/ Now I'm very happy. It took a long time to find my wife since the vast majority of women simply didn't make the cut based on my past experience with marriage. This is me with the wife during a trip to Brazil. She is Brazilian.  |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:57:15 AM EDT
[#23]
Originally Posted By wpsharpshooter: I knew I shouldnt have married my first wife. We were together since I was 18.. Then when I turned 24-25 it was expected that we get married... I felt like I was in to far to pull the chord.. Fuck I wish I had... Difference now with the GF is we actually like each other.. Enjoy a lot of the same things.. We talk about everything. Been together over 2 years and we have had 2 fights. And even those weren't a big deal.. Our outlook on things are very similar. We work in the same-ish profession so we can talk about our days and its interesting to both of us, not just one person yammering on about this or that.. I feel like that makes a very big difference in itself. The biggest difference for me this go around is that after my divorce I was single for several years.. And was happy.. You got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Good stuff. I'm here now. I just skipped the whole life altering 1st marriage mistake part.  Originally Posted By Chufree: I had a long checklist after divorcing my ex for what traits a woman must have and what traits are completely unacceptable. Many women told me I was unrealistic. Some may recall my "Tales of the Crazy" in the archives and I wrote a book about it. https://www.ar15.com/forums/general/New_member_of_the_ARFCOM_curse__tales_of_the_crazy/75-1886783/ Now I'm very happy. It took a long time to find my wife since the vast majority of women simply didn't make the cut based on my past experience with marriage. This is me with the wife during a trip to Brazil. She is Brazilian. https://www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/23735/cris_and_I-2705421.jpg Dude you even said in the OP that you'd never get married again! haha Wouldn't mind seeing some of this checklist if you still have it. |
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IA, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:57:19 AM EDT
[#24]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By SturmgeschutzIII: I like this answer. What might be some examples of this? Like excessive drinking and going out that you thought she'd grow out of and didn't? Nagging that was cute at first and then wasn't? look at the mom, can you live with that a few years from now? mental health issues in the family? does she have a fiery temper? none of those things improve with time |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 9:58:59 AM EDT
[#25]
Been engaged to a number of trashy white girls in my 20s. Ended up actually marrying a Mexican. Difference is night and day.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:03:25 AM EDT
[#26]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By SturmgeschutzIII: I like this answer. What might be some examples of this? Like excessive drinking and going out that you thought she'd grow out of and didn't? Nagging that was cute at first and then wasn't? No those are surface issues. As you get older and wiser you learn to recognize the underlying personality disorders that may or may not be the cause of those issues. |
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AZ, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:06:54 AM EDT
[Last Edit: IT_Cowboy]
[#27]
My 2nd and I were friends first.
We have a lot in common and have grown together She spent a lot of time in the woods helping her dad with chores (they say women often choose someone like their dad?) She can cook, bake, sew, chop wood and does it willingly Her parents were married and together their whole lives (I think this is all the diff as having a model of a healthy relationship is important) She is very tolerable of my BS and antics It was her 1st marriage She chose me and it took several years together for her to accept my proposal My 2nd current wife is also educated |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:10:24 AM EDT
[#28]
Second wife wasn't a redhead.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:12:12 AM EDT
[#29]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By SturmgeschutzIII: I've never been married. I'm interested in this phenomenon. Married people often quip "choose better" in mgtow threads. But then I see quotes like in OP where guys seemingly chose very poorly and then chose amazingly. so kind of random and unlucky/lucky in this case? My anecdotal experience with people I know point to a combination of things: -people DO change over time -it's hard for a lot of men to think with their big brain in their 20s -different uncommunicated expectations become resentments, and younger people seem more prone to hiding expectations (or not thinking about them all together) when they believe it may be a dealbreaker for the relationship. Older people getting remarried seem far, far more likely to be up front and let the chips fall where they may. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:12:26 AM EDT
[Last Edit: Sixtigers]
[#30]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By SturmgeschutzIII: How old were yall when you met the second one? Not playing games seems correlated to age. So your first wife kind of faked making you feel loved and this something you didn't realize until after marriage? I was 33 when I met the second one. 34 when we had our first date. My first wife was fairly outgoing, interesting, lusty, and warm while we were dating. That changed almost overnight after we were married. I didn't think that was a thing, and I wouldn't admit it to myself because it was such a common complaint from other people, other men I knew, who frankly I thought were kind of assholes to their wives and deserved some of what they claimed they were suffering. And to be honest, I learned to live with my new relationship. Sure, it wasn't warm at home...but it was (mostly) cordial, and everybody tells you that marriage is hard, so this must be what they were talking about it. I thought that this new relationship, while colder, less amorous, and more distant was what marriage was. The constant arguing was learning how to live with a spouse, not something easy to do, but a skill that adults develop. I thought that was right. My second marriage to my current wife: We've never argued. We've never had a fight. I've been with her for 23 years now, and it's still like we're dating. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:14:42 AM EDT
[#31]
All women are lying narcissists but to different degress. The key is to understand this going in and to pick up on their phony bullshit. Most men don’t realize this until it’s too late. Don’t be one of those guys. You’ll never find a perfect one, but you’ll find one that’s better than the others.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:15:21 AM EDT
[#32]
1st wife is an arab (born here) and turned into a raging liberal controlling cunt who didnt want much to do w our kids
i was 23 when i met her, i dumped her once but the poon was great and it was good until we had kids, then she just went looney quitting jobs, being fired etc. always wanting to be w her girlfriends etc. sex ended. im not remarried, but i have had the same gf for 2yrs. i had a list of things i wouldnt put up with ever again. shes fucking amazing. helps w my kids and takes care of her kids cooks well educated sucks my dick nightly etc |
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PA, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:16:10 AM EDT
[#33]
When you are young and in love you tend to look past all of the negatives in a relationship and you think that the person will "get better" or that you can fix them. In reality they only get worse.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:23:04 AM EDT
[#34]
My first marriage lasted 24 years. We were way too young to get married (I couldn't legally drink the champagne toast at the reception).
We figured out pretty quickly that we weren't compatible but we stayed together because that's what people did. Had 2 awesome kids and kept staying together for them. As we got older, we both realized that our unhappiness with each other was making everyone miserable, so we divorced. Experience taught me what I liked and didn't like. Chose the second wife accordingly. I've learned more likes and dislikes with this one. I've told her that I won't waste any more of my life with someone with whom I'm not compatible. Once you've been through one divorce, the scary part is over. We've been married for 9 years now and it's been a very different experience than the first time. The first 5 years were almost always fun, happy, and full of adventures. Now we have a 4 year old and it's not nearly as fun and happy (kids will do that to a marriage), but it's still full of adventure! |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:24:06 AM EDT
[#35]
Well, she's not mentally ill, which is nice.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:30:58 AM EDT
[Last Edit: jos51700]
[#36]
#1 Borderline is a motherfucker. At the time I married this one, it wasn't widely known like today. I distinctly remember the marriage counselor saying, 'we think your wife is a borderline, but we don't really know what that is...' and then dumping us when my then-wife threatened to cut our therapist's head off because she accused me of cheating with the therapist. Wife #1 literally came home from the wedding a completely different person than before the wedding, and had changed all the wedding gift registries to stuff she wanted from stuff 'we' had picked out. It was night and day.
#2 Narcissism is a motherfucker. I rushed into this one because my self-esteem was in the shitter. 8 or 9 years of her never admitting fault, never apologizing, and two VERY fucked up kids of hers. I only realized after she was gone how far her manipulation went. #3 We're still dating. Going to couple's counseling has been an eye-opener for both of us, and she's admitting where she needs work and is so far putting forth the change, as am I. Imma keep this one, and see if the change sticks. We connect in ways I never thought possible. I took a couple years out from dating and worked on me, and that was the single biggest thing I could've done. Cold sheets aren't a bad thing. |
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KY, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:41:22 AM EDT
[#37]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By jos51700: #1 Borderline is a motherfucker. At the time I married this one, it wasn't widely known like today. I distinctly remember the marriage counselor saying, 'we think your wife is a borderline, but we don't really know what that is...' and then dumping us when my then-wife threatened to cut our therapist's head off because she accused me of cheating with the therapist. Wife #1 literally came home from the wedding a completely different person than before the wedding, and had changed all the wedding gift registries to stuff she wanted from stuff 'we' had picked out. It was night and day. #2 Narcissism is a motherfucker. I rushed into this one because my self-esteem was in the shitter. 8 or 9 years of her never admitting fault, never apologizing, and two VERY fucked up kids of hers. I only realized after she was gone how far her manipulation went. #3 We're still dating. Going to couple's counseling has been an eye-opener for both of us, and she's admitting where she needs work and is so far putting forth the change, as am I. Imma keep this one, and see if the change sticks. We connect in ways I never thought possible. I took a couple years out from dating and worked on me, and that was the single biggest thing I could've done. Cold sheets aren't a bad thing. Dude you do you and I'm not judging, but there's no way I'm going to couples counseling with someone I'm JUST dating. |
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NH, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:43:42 AM EDT
[#38]
I was married 22 years and knew 12 years in it was over. I thought it could change and we tried multiple times, but at the end I only stayed to be a Dad. Once the last kid was an adult we called it quits. Seven years together with my girlfriend. She is older and I'm her fourth. She was married, divorced, married, widowed, 10 year boyfriend who cheated on her and she kicked him out. Now me and we both take things a lot more in stride then either of us did in the past.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:45:14 AM EDT
[#39]
My second wife is financially responsible.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:46:02 AM EDT
[#40]
Wisdom of age amd experience would be my guess. Did you negotiate a better deal on your most recent vehicle purchase compared to your first? Hopefully yes, if so, why is that? I'm still married to my first, but if it fails I would be much more aware of what to look for in a prospective partner. I got married at 20 and didn't know anything about life and love.
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CO, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:48:05 AM EDT
[#41]
1 word: Rebound
Won't last Took me 'til #4 to find "the one" H |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:52:17 AM EDT
[Last Edit: cancard]
[#42]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By California_Kid: My second wife is financially responsible. Always ask them for their credit score up front and what their credit card balances are. Knowing their overall debt, savings, 401k, investments and properties are an added bonus. Bottom line, don’t be “Captain Save a Ho”. Don’t let their problems become your problems. Eject as soon as the crazies are detected. You may have to tell them you’re gay, transitioning, or that you have schizophrenia or cancer for a smooth ejection. Don’t bathe or try foaming at the mouth (tell her you changed your meds) if need be. Leave all options on the table for the smoothest ejection. Know the signs. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:54:09 AM EDT
[#43]
My first was initially a great fit , but over time our directions in life changed. I wanted to move up in my career and enjoy the benefits of that while she got jealous at the same time taking her career the opposite direction. At first it was ok as we had kids and she was able stay home , but her concept of money began to impact our life. Me sacrificing was ok , but she didn't want to change behaviors. That lasted maybe the last five years of our marriage.
The second was again two people with similar interests that shared a common goal. We both enjoyed being fit and what it took to be that way. That included running , yoga , working out, and eating healthy. We both cared about careers and also how we looked and felt. The second however came with more baggage with blending a family and her kids being garbage as we got more into the relationship. Could the second have been a better choice , probably without the kid issues it might have not had such a rocky portion for a few years. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:55:45 AM EDT
[#44]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By cancard: Always ask them for their credit score up front and what their credit card balances are. Knowing their overall debt, savings, 401k, investments and properties are an added bonus. Bottom line, don't be "Captain Save a Ho". Don't let their problems become your problems. Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By cancard: Originally Posted By California_Kid: My second wife is financially responsible. Always ask them for their credit score up front and what their credit card balances are. Knowing their overall debt, savings, 401k, investments and properties are an added bonus. Bottom line, don't be "Captain Save a Ho". Don't let their problems become your problems. All of that, plus we have a solid pre-marital agreement that protects both of us from each other going insane. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 10:58:15 AM EDT
[#45]
Wife #1 was a bit of a princess, having come from an upper-middle-class family; meanwhile, I was just a half-step up from trailer trash. She was not a terrible person, but she could be difficult, manipulative, and demanding. I have to acknowledge that I was a pretty shitty husband to her. I can be a PITA, and we just generally weren't a great match. I don't wish her any ill, but I'm still glad she's not my wife anymore.
Current wife is a much better match for me in many ways, but I also put effort into this one that I didn't the first time. |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 11:32:23 AM EDT
[#46]
Prenup agreement.
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Posted: 4/25/2024 11:35:14 AM EDT
[#47]
She is Chinese.
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NE, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 11:37:54 AM EDT
[#48]
Quote HistoryOriginally Posted By Sparky: Not really. How well can you really get to know someone during a international relationship? They can put on a pretty good show during the times you are actually together. pretty damn well. But we dated a long time before getting married. Started dating her in Paris. And I actually had no intention of getting married a second time, but after years of dating and trips and travels together all over the world, we got engaged in Costa Rica, married in Puerto Rico, and 11 plus years of the very best times in my life. Never regretted a minute of it. but yeah, sit at home in the basement and make fun of people who go to other countries and experience the world much safer |
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TX, USA
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Posted: 4/25/2024 11:46:49 AM EDT
[#49]
I would say timing in life.
Where you are in your life timeline and your expectancies and does that match with your partners. #1 she was 21 and i was 28. i was ready to start a family and she was just now hitting legal drinking age and ready to party. I was past all that. She didn't care for sex and blamed a lot of her disinterest on me. The first red flag was honeymoon night...sitting on a beach watching the moon....she says " i think i made a mistake" it lasted 6yrs after that. Never had kids because she wasn't ready. She blamed a lot of our differences on 7yr age gap. #2 ....had a 8yr age gap....but met later in life...i was 35 and she was 27.....much different trajectory at that time line. she wanted kids....she would choose me over a party....she wanted to be responsible with a real job....and she was a clinical nymphomaniac. .....we're still together 18yrs later.... if you can wait till both are past your saturn return i think your odds of functioning are increased exponentially. (look it up if you don't know) |
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Posted: 4/25/2024 11:52:10 AM EDT
[#50]
I had a much better understanding of myself and what I wanted than the first time, and like others have said, a better grasp on what was and wasn't deal-breaking.
Wife number 2 and I celebrated ten years married last Friday. |
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