Now normally I go to a local Cuban bakery for my Cafe con Leche in the morning.   As most Floridians will attest, Cuban bakeries, their owners and most of their patrons are about as left-leaning as Ollie, G. Gordon and Rush.

For some reason I decided to pop into a Starbucks I've driven by, but never had the pleasure of patronizing.  Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, little econoboxes built in various Pacific Rim nations and bicycles of unknown make or origin. Please note that I have had little experience with "bikes" except for the occasional Schwinn or Harley-Davidson.  God gave us internal combustion engines for a reason and I'm not pedaling.  Over half the vehicles have some variety of "I Kream over Kerry!" or "Bush is a Nazi Thug" bumper stickers - you get the idea.

I decide to back my 90' Dodge Power Ram (Ol' Blue) into the (only available) space directly in front of the (fully occupied) outside patio seating.  My 14 year old exhaust system, coupled with a 4" hillbilly lift, had the unfortunate side effect of fumigating the (outdoor-loving, venti-double-decaf-lite-mocha-frappacino-quaffing, lycra-clad, well-coifed) seated soccer MILFs with several cubic feet of toxic, malodorous Detroit perfume.  


"Ol' Blue"



I'm not sure if it was the smog I produced with Ol' Blue, or the "Viva Bush" and "NRA for Mel Martinez" stickers on the window, but something caused facial contortions like these women just found out their Vietnamese manicurist cancelled their 1 o'clock, the Mall burned down and their "Doctor" won't get any more Botox in for at least a month.  With a jaunty nod and a wink (and admittedly, perhaps a mild leer) to the gagging gaggle of liberal ladies, I proceeded into the store, a small whiff of burned hydrocarbons trailing behind.

After taking my place in the queue and wasting a precious 1.3 seconds of my life listening to the lesbians biologically-confused females in front of me argue the merits of Starbucks coffee additives,  I did my best to filter out the cacaphony of conversations besieging my tender, conservative ears.  

I sunk into myself and attempted to keep up a running self-help mantra; "Go to your 'Happy Place', Bay. Find your center. Stay on target. Soylent Green is people. STAY ON TARGET! Really explore the space. More Cowbell. Did Nietzsche die of syphilis?”

In spite of my internal monologue, I maintained visual situational awareness and noted that Starbucks Corporate HR and Recruiting must have some guideline mandating the hiring of thirty-something, over-the-top, flaming gay gentlemen and twenty-something, sort-of-cute-in-a-hippie-way, ambiguously gay women.  It appeared I had fallen into a radiation-induced mutation of "Friends/Will & Grace".  As I started to feel curiously faint, a growing wetness on my chest alerted the drool-mitigation subsection of my brain that it was time to perhaps slurp, or at least close my jaws.

Aroused from my reverie by the insistent, "Hello.       Hello?           HELLO!" of the diminutive "Barista", I casually wiped the drool from my chin, gathered my wits and girded my loins for the beverage ordering process to come.

---An aside, if you will allow me.  What the hell makes a "Barista" different from Flo at Mel's Diner or even Muhammed's wife at my local Dunkin' Donuts?  Why doesn't Muhammed's wife have a name tag?  Why do Baristas rate an Action Figure?
Why is there a World Barista Championship held and what compelled Tim Wendelboe of Norway to not only compete in this "Contest" but have the drive to beat out an international field of coffee-grinding, water-boiling, filter-swapping athletes?---

I don't want to give the reader the wrong impression.  I am not a complete Starbucks neophyte.  I have traveled this path before; in airport kiosks, in supermarkets and even in my local library with it's two pumper carafes of Seattle's liquid gold.  But it had been a very long time since my last trip to a standalone store.  I was rusty.  I was also mildly disoriented from my recent drive in "Old Blue" and the vibrations, banging and strange, low-frequency hum that accompanies ownership of a classic American pickup truck.  I still couldn't remember if Nietzsche died of syphilis and this was making my left eye twitch for some reason.

I should have backed out.  

But as I stood there; male, hetero, Roman Catholic (well-endowed), conservative, drooling, twitchy and disoriented, puzzled at the final fate of a long dead 19th century philosopher, needing a cigarette..........


cigarette.


Cigarettes! Smoking! Quitting!  

I quickly recovered my composure, at last making the proper synaptic connections in my addled brain - remembering my dozens of smoking cessation dramas, their ultimate failure and my final, bittersweet justification that "Quitting is for losers".

Quitting is indeed, for losers.  I will not quit.

"I want a medium Ethiopian Yergacheffe".  




<one million one>


<one million two>





Bad Bay!!!  Judging by the raised eyebrow of the retro-hippie coffee slinger in front of me, I have erred.  "Large, Grande or Venti, sir?"  She asked with barely concealed delight.  Wrong I may be, in Barista World – but dammit  I'm Irish, I was raised in Philly and I'm stubborn.  I point, with my outstretched 35" arm, to the second of three waxed-paper-cup towers piled next to the register.

"That one", says I.

"Grande?", says she.

"Medium", says I with the finality of tone and the grizzled countenance of Josey Wales facing down four Bluebellies on the dusty porch of a General Store in a no-name western town.

"OneGrandeEthiopianYergacheffe", she defiantly spits back in a mono-syllabic burst of rapid fire Barista-speak.  

Through the rapidly growing red fog in my vision and the blood pounding in my ears, I only dimly recall paying for my GrandeEthiopianYergacheffe.  Damn her. Damn them all to hell or whatever these Baristas consider an unpleasant afterlife.   I grab my GrandeEthiopianYergacheffe, palm and pocket the change from my transaction and spin from the counter.  Lurching forward like a three-legged AT-AT, I barrel upstream into the double-line of "Regulars" waiting like $5 Ho's jonesing for their crack pipe to come back around.

For the love of God! Get out of my way!  Make a hole!  Let me out of here!

Out the door, past the formerly asphyxiating, now-haughty patio spawn and their gym-hardened, surgically-sculpted bodies and their little, liberal, morally bereft minds.  Past the newly arriving, crusty old, Jimmy Buffet-lookin' m-fer on his "E-bike" (WTF is an E-bike?) and into the blessed sanctuary of my loyal companion - Ol' Blue.  

Shades on, key in ignition, turn the key, experience the gratifying roar of a 318 cubic inch beast straining at it's leash.  Crank the windows down (no A/C for this real man), rev the engine once... twice.  Dragon's breath spews from the rear end.  The patio dwellers recoil in horror.  Now the radio.  Fox on AM,  or risk the FM dial for the acoustical accompaniment to my grand exit from the parking lot. Punch the selector for FM and immediately hear the instantly recognizable opening words of SWEET HOME ALABAMA! The Red Neck Anthem!  

[ronnie vanzant]Turn it up.[/ronnie vanzant]



Bwahahhahahaha!

Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII,

Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee?

Their sizing system is messed up.  A small coffee there is a Tall.  If its small shouldn't it be called a Short? How is Grande medium? Grande, you think grand, you think grand you think big and calling a large Venti, wtf does Venti mean?  Fuck starbucks and their messed up system.

[golf clap]---------[/golf clap]

Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee?

Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper.

AWESOME POST!  

Excellent story.

Great story BayEagle.

Dude, that's one of the funniest stories I've read in a LONG time. Nice job! You sir, rock.

Am I the only one reminded of Dennis Leary? "A menu...coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup, that's all it needs!"

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper.

They are midsized "SUV's" (station wagons) at best, and most of them were built by US workers in US plants. Your complaining about Starbucks sizing sytem, yet you think a lexus "SUV" is BIG in a market that includeds the Excusion, Suburban, & H2. Now THAT'S funny.

Starbucks coffee?  Too rich for my blood.

Quoted: [golf clap]---------[/golf clap]

+1. That was beautiful.

Dang good writin'.

Perfect attitude.

this story has inspired me. i dont know how. it just has

Quoted: this story has inspired me. i dont know how. it just has

me too.

LMAO!!!

The ONLY way this could have been better was if Ol' Blue had a Cummins instead of a Mopar 318.

LET 'ER RIP, BOY!!!!  

Very good sir very good

mmmmmm.... Nothing like a $8 cup of coffee, in who the hell knows what size.

Bravo BayEagle.  If you go back make Ol' Blue jump up the curb of the patio a little, just to give em a scare.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper. They are midsized "SUV's" (station wagons) at best, and most of them were built by US workers in US plants. Your complaining about Starbucks sizing sytem, yet you think a lexus "SUV" is BIG in a market that includeds the Excusion, Suburban, & H2. Now THAT'S funny.

You obviously can't appreciate my advanced literary skills in attempting to juxtapose the vehicles of choice driven by my antagonists - the Big and Little imports.  The dichotomy of it, the sheer irony.

<sigh> My talents are wasted.

Excellent Post

great, great, great!!!!

I loved the Wedge reference with the three-legged At-At.

  Last time I was at Starbucks, it was here in Jacksonville after we had been without power for two days due to one of the fourteen hurricanes that came our way this season.  The Starbucks in Riverside was the only one open.  My wife and I NEEDED coffee.  So we go to the repository of wonderful coffee and all things Democrat.  Riverside is a section of town known for its large gay population, WAAAY overpriced real estate and by far more Kerry yard signs than W.

  Anyway, the line extends far out the front door.  My wife and decide to wait.  The woman in front of me has W and Bush/Cheney buttons all over her purse.  She and I strike up a purposely LOUD conversation wherein we extolled the virtues of W and reveled in discussing the pathetic state of a democratic party that would offer up Kerry for sacrifice.  This LOUD conversation lasted for about 30 minutes.  We discussed everything from the necessity of the Iraq war to the lies and flip-flopping of Kerry and everything in between.  

Not a single patron, many of whom had bumper stickers for Kerry or other democrat-identifying marks, had the cajones to say anything to oppose us.  

It was the single best cup of coffee I have ever received at Starbucks.

Beautiful, just beautiful!

Watch out piccolo!  We have another master storyteller here.

Damn, I need coffee!!  

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper.

Both Lexus and Acura SUVs are made in Canada.

Quoted: Quoted: Their sizing system is messed up.  A small coffee there is a Tall.  If its small shouldn't it be called a Short? How is Grande medium? Grande, you think grand, you think grand you think big and calling a large Venti, wtf does Venti mean?  Fuck starbucks and their messed up system. Oh sure.  Tell us your straight. I didn't even know they had a 'naming system'.  You can not only name them, but explain them. They have good quiche there, too? TRG

Hey now, no where did I explain the naming system? instead it was a mini rant against it, whoever came up with the system must have been high on something .  

guiche? isn't that what french people eat?

Well, they're called 'Baristas' because it would hurt their feelings if you called them 'Coffee girls/boys'.  I mean, that would be so unsophisticated and neanderthal!  

The same goes for the cups!  They need to have some hippy fresh name for everything so as to be 'different'.   The whole precept of the liberal mindset is being different from everyone else by being more 'enlightened'.  

This story needs more AT-AT!

That's good shit man...and the AT-AT reference was funny as hell.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper. Both Lexus and Acura SUVs are made in Canada.

Stay with me people!  Follow the money!  Ain't no damn Canucks named Toyota!  Who is gettin' PAID? That's what I'm sayin'.

Sure.  There's a McDonald's in Machuria.  Ray Kroc (RIP) is gettin paid the big bucks, dangit.  Not  Wang-Hung Low.

I feel so
lame
I drink black coffee

Quoted: Quoted: this story has inspired me. i dont know how. it just has me too.

Me Three.......

Great Post!

Quoted: I feel so lame I drink black coffee

Don't. I don't add any crap to my coffee, either. When I see people dumping loads of sugar and cream in their coffee, it maks me wonder if they actually like COFFEE or not.

The most you'll ever see me do is add a touch of salt if it's extremely bitter (i.e. cooked down for a couple of days) and I need my fix.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper. Both Lexus and Acura SUVs are made in Canada. Stay with me people!  Follow the money!  Ain't no damn Canucks named Toyota!  Who is gettin' PAID? That's what I'm sayin'.

That may be what you meant, but it's not what you wrote.  I apologize for assuming you actually meant what you wrote.

Hey, I know!  Let's argue semantics about a hell of a good story.  For fuck's sake...

BayEagle, OUTSTANDING!

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper. Both Lexus and Acura SUVs are made in Canada. Stay with me people!  Follow the money!  Ain't no damn Canucks named Toyota!  Who is gettin' PAID? That's what I'm sayin'. That may be what you meant, but it's not what you wrote.  I apologize for assuming you actually wrote what you meant.

Good Lord!  When Steinbeck talked about the Green Light at the end of the dock in The Great Gatsby, was he talking about outdoor lighting or money?  Was the sign with the Big Eye just overbearing Optometric marketing? Or was it something more?

Did I mean what I wrote or was it a trap?

Maybe they had some Unimogs parked there.




They're a little bigger than an H2.

Quoted: Hey, I know!  Let's argue semantics about a hell of a good story.  For fuck's sake... BayEagle, OUTSTANDING!

If we want to argue about something let's argue about the fact that there was only one AT-AT reference.

THIS STORY NEEDS MORE AT-AT!

Quoted: Hey, I know!  Let's argue semantics about a hell of a good story.  For fuck's sake... BayEagle, OUTSTANDING!

AR15fan just ran out of "I Hate W" stuff to post and has to piss on BayEagle.

BayEagle: I laughed. I cried. It changed my life. You have some real talent.

Quoted: Quoted: Hey, I know!  Let's argue semantics about a hell of a good story.  For fuck's sake... BayEagle, OUTSTANDING! If we want to argue about something let's argue about the fact that there was only one AT-AT reference. THIS STORY NEEDS MORE AT-AT!

Well they are foreign built.  Perhaps I missed one in the parking lot.

Hmmm.    It may go in the movie version.

Here is a perfect match to BayEagle's story!  Click here and watch "Small, Medium, Large" and "COFFEE HOUSE PROPAGANDA"  

edited to add profanity warning

P.S.  Mercedes, Hyandi's, and Toyota parts are made in America, in AL to be exact.

But I do feel ya, bro.

AR15FAN, you're a big dork.  Your stupid, pedantic argument just sullied what was otherwise the best post of the day.  Thanx, dickhead.

Quoted: LMAO!!! The ONLY way this could have been better was if Ol' Blue had a Cummins instead of a Mopar 318. LET 'ER RIP, BOY!!!!

A Cummins and a rifle rack, with an AR and a FAL.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee? Those fullsize lexus and toyotas ain't little and neither is that boxy Mercedes thingamajob.  Looks like an old Trooper. Both Lexus and Acura SUVs are made in Canada. Stay with me people!  Follow the money!  Ain't no damn Canucks named Toyota!  Who is gettin' PAID? That's what I'm sayin'. That may be what you meant, but it's not what you wrote.  I apologize for assuming you actually wrote what you meant. Good Lord!  When Steinbeck talked about the Green Light at the end of the dock in The Great Gatsby, was he talking about outdoor lighting or money?  Was the sign with the Big Eye just overbearing Optometric marketing? Or was it something more? Did I mean what I wrote or was it a trap?

Oh, i thought this was a discussion board, not a bulliten board for short stories. again, excuse me for assuming you meant what you wrote. i didnt realize it was pretend story time.

Quoted: Oh, i thought this was a discussion board, not a bulliten board for short stories. again, excuse me for assuming you meant what you wrote. i didnt realize it was pretend story time.

Was it pretend?  Or was it real?

Is it being discussed?  Or being trolled?

Does it rub the lotion on it's skin?  

BTW- I appreciate your lack of capitalization in your last post.  Very "ee cummings" of you.  Well done.

Quoted: Quoted: Outside are parked an eclectic mix of BIG SUV’s made in countries that lost WWII, Huh?  Which BIG suv's are made in Germany or Japan?  Ford Excusion? nope.  Chevy Suburban? nope.  GM H2? Nope.  Nissans big new SUV? nope.  Was there a little whisky in your coffee?

Is picking apart a good story your talent. If so, you have none!

Bravo BayEagle !!!
Magnificent post! A fucking classic indeed!


P.S. If you ever go back there, go on open headers!

You're Pa Kettle on steriods!

Lesse.... "redneck" goes to Starbucks while making fun of people who go to Starbucks... ridicules bicycles  while bragging about stinky exhaust.  Makes sense. (heh)