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Wild this thread is still going on....
OP i'm still in your corner, you did the right thing. Care to give us an update?
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Yeah - we sat down and talked about it (a lot) and we both agreed now is not the time to be making any decisions like this - wife agrees 100%.
She spoke to her mom and mom apologized for reacting the way she did.
She also understands where I'm coming from and said she would respect boundaries and on top of that, pay to have a kitchenette built downstairs (large walk out basement would be her space) and even a separate walkway too. And she suggested that too.
In any case, she said we don't have to decide right now - my MIL is not selling the house now - if we decide later that this is something we do want, then we can talk about it, but she's not rushing a decision anymore.
For what it's worth, she's always liked me a lot (to the point that the inside joke in the family was always to blame something on me because my MIL couldn't possibly get upset with me).
So, no, she's not the MIL from hell by any means - the issue for me is really more the unknown about how it may change things for our family. And as I mentioned before, she was a little controlling with me FIL and my wife actually totally agrees with me and said she would never allow her mom to be like that with us. No, I'm not just suddenly saying "let's do it!", but these are the things we've been talking about.
Financially, it's an absolute no brainer and the girls (3 and 6) especially would benefit greatly from this (not that they live a bad life now - far from it). We'd be able to save $$$ comfortably for all things, including college - that part of it is a no brainer.
Maybe it won't be as bad as I think it's going to be and my ego is getting the better of me?
I really don't know and I don't think I will know for a little while yet.
I definitely need more time to think about this all - it's just such a big change.
Thankfully, everyone seems to have calmed down and agrees that waiting to consider this is the right thing to do - it's enough just grieving my FIL's death still.
My head is still just going back and forth - "this is a good idea" "this is a bad idea"
At least my MIL has agreed that it IS a big thing to consider and is willing to let everyone chill for now and discuss it later.