Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers.Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly.But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

This one starts out slow, but once it gets rolling it's awesome! Bonus points for the super hot female riot cop...?



http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=04e_1374012582

Can you guess what I did last night, here is my story.

It was the 3rd date and when I saw her I was like,


2nd base was achieved posthaste,


Progressed to a grand slam (that's me on the right),


I left this morning feeling like this,


Yes, I am a happy monkey today.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=4c7_1373676081

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree????
.............
............
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.
...because he was dead.

Last call

How to stop cats from pissing on your car

Thanks all! Funny stuff!

Winners: liaisons & crux, log out and back in.

Ciraxis - who gets it?

Good call on Crux submission.  It's been running through my head constantly...to the point i want to go in my boss' office and demonstrate.

Thanks bro

Thanks gents, I couldn't stop laughing for half an hour first time I saw that one.  I'm sure we've all ben there.