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You just saved your marriage and you dont even know it yet.

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That's the kicker - she wants to keep the house in her name because her financial advisor said it would be better in the long run for us to inherit it when she does - that this would somehow be a better deal than us buying it and owning it.

Wouldn't that bother anyone else?

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For the love of all that is holy will people please read the thread before posting!

Fuck!

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Free house. Deal with it.

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No, your not the asshole.

Here is how I would approach this and present it to the wife and MIL.

Its only been 4 weeks, your mother needs time to grieve and adjust not compensate for her loss
by having us move in. We all need to take a step back and let things happen in their own time.
Right now you mother is grieving and lonely and needs to get through this phase, we can revisit
this in a year and see if this is still what she wants and if its best for all parties.

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WTF is a twin? How do you live in a mattress?

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The fact that the MIL is acting so petulant and emotionally manipulative over this is probably evidence that it wouldn’t have worked out well in the long run.

Shitty situation all around. I feel badly for everyone for different reasons. I don’t think you made the wrong call, though.

Edit: A lot of people, including a lot in this thread, view a home solely through the lens of investment. I disagree; it’s a home for family first, and investment second. Obviously, one should not put themselves in a negative financial position to get a particular house, but at the same time the best home is not necessarily the one that brings the best ROI or is the cheapest. Yes, the MIL’s home would make more sense financially than going off and buying a home with a mortgage, but that’s not the only factor.

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This was definitely one of my fears.

She's a great person, but from a distance (even if she's only 15 mins away). Living with her is just....I just feel like in the beginning it would be fine, but eventually things would slowly but surely get to be ridiculous and then where do I go? I'm stuck.

It's already enough that the relationship between me and my wife is strained because of her being so distant (even from our own kids) while dealing with her father's illness and death. Introducing her mother into the mix I think would not do us any good.

My wife agrees with a lot of that too.

I think at this point, emotions are way too high given he just passed a month ago - like I said before, this is absolutely the last time right now I wanted to speak up about this, but her mother is in this "I have to do this now - you should sell your house now" mindset and so at that point I felt I had no choice but to speak up (knowing it would hurt her (and my wife by extension because she doesn't want her mom anymore upset than she already is)).

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I will be the voice of dissent....

I would make that move without a second thought. I actually like my mother in law, but he does get on my nerves on occasion. Even with that, that sort of upward housing move at basically no cost, and being able to care for family with built in child care is a no brainer.

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"Now she's upset because she has to sell the house she wanted us to live in - a dream house for us and the kids."

It's her house. It's her decision to sell or not. "She has to" is code for blaming you for her decision.
If by "us" she means you and your wife and your kids and not her, then she lying (based on what you posted in this thread).
If by "us" she means herself+you+your wife+kids, then she's still lying because she could just deed/trust the house to you.

You seem to value being in charge of your life, making decisions for you and your family's happiness, and your MIL does not support that because it conflicts with her goals of being in charge of your family's life.

You were probably a much nicer person in this situation than I would have been.

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The USA is one of the only countries where family homes aren't universally multigenerational. That's tells you all you need to know about western society.

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You were ABSOLUTELY 100% ASSHOLE with no doubt.

It does not mean you were wrong.

But the rapid timing of the choose me or mom ultimatum was pure asshole.

A more skilled approach, like

Hey, this is a crazy time for everyone right now.  This is not the time to be moving, adding more sudden change, putting the added stress of packing and stuff on our backs right now.    Let's get through the funeral, back into our routine without him, adjust to how things are, let the kids get back into their routine, and then let's see how and what we are going to do.  That'll give us time to look into schools, other family members to adjust, give her time to think about if she made a panic offer or it's what she really wants.

Would have left things with a lot less splash back.

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I will be the voice of dissent....

I would make that move without a second thought. I actually like my mother in law, but he does get on my nerves on occasion. Even with that, that sort of upward housing move at basically no cost, and being able to care for family with built in child care is a no brainer.

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I guess it's my turn to do one of these...

My father-in-law passed away 4 weeks ago and now my mother-in-law wants us to move in with her. My wife is onboard - I am not.

We (my wife and I are both 39) currently live in a twin (have so since 2015) and our goal is to find a single family home with some more yard space for our two girls (3 and 6) and our dog. We actually love our twin - it's easy to take care of and we have everything set up the way we want it. We also have great neighbors and the neighborhood itself is great. We still want a single family, but are perfectly content waiting until we either A.) Have more money/equity in our current home and/or B.) The right opportunity presents itself. And here lies the problem - that opportunity (in my wife and mother-in-law's mind) has now presented itself...

Her parents have always talked about us buying their house one day because they know that's our goal - a single family. And the market has been terrible for buyers so us buying their house (to them) would be a no brainer. It's a gorgeous large single family home with a big yard in an even nicer neighborhood. 3 car garage and house is completely turn-key - it's a gorgeous property. The best part is that we would have no mortgage because it would basically be gifted to us (yes, I know there are taxes involved in that process). All of that is a no-brainer, right? Well, it is to my wife and MIL.

4 weeks ago, my father-in-law passed away at 73 - he beat Leukemia with a stem-cell transplant, but it weakened him so badly that during the stem-cell recovery, an infection caused him to go down hill and he never recovered.

We're all devastated (he was a great man). And within days of his passing my MIL tells my wife she wants to sell the house, that is, unless we want to take it, provided she lives downstairs (they have a suite downstairs).

For a lot of reasons, it's a great idea - financially it's a no-brainer and we'd have a single family house in a dream neighborhood and the girls would have space, our dog, etc - we'd even have a babysitter there 24/7 for the girls.

For a long time, I thought "Yes, this will be great."

Now that it's here I've realized I cannot live in the same house as my mother-in-law - our marriage will now no longer be the two of us, but now my myself, my wife, and her mother. I don't think I REALLY thought about how that would change our family dynamic until now - when it's here and a decision needs to be made. Even with my MIL living downstairs, the dynamic that currently exists between my wife and children - it will be forever changed with her mother living in the same house.

I've always been somebody who says Yes because I want to please people and not hurt peoples feelings, but this is a hill I am willing to die on - I will not sacrifice my own happiness just to make my wife and more importantly my now widowed MIL feel better after losing my FIL.

My wife is really upset because she says I'm making her choose between her husband and her mother - I lost my cool when she said that and said, "So, who's it going to be - me or your mother?!"

What really bothers me is that this is the last thing I wanted to speak up about literally 4 weeks after her Dad died - everyone should be focusing on grieving. The problem is that her mom is pushing the shit out of this (party because I think she's super depressed and lonely and is thinking irrationally because of just losing her husband). The last thing I wanted to do is tell me wife "No" right now - just weeks after her Dad died - she has enough on her mind. But two days ago, my MIL told me wife (who told me) that we "should sell her house now because it's a good time to sell" - that's when I lost it and said (in my head) now is the time to speak up about this.

I will not (no matter how great the house is or how great it would be financially) completely alter my family dynamic and my own sanity by doing this. None of that is more important to me than my wife and kids and I refuse to change my life and our family dynamic because they think it's a good move.

Am I the asshole?

----------------------------------

UPDATE:

My wife spoke to her mother a little while ago and told her how I felt about it.

She's pissed and said the house is now off the table - she's selling and will find someplace to live. She was real short with my wife and didn't say a word when she left her house. Just said, "Fine - leave."

She was the one who forced a decision to be made less than 4 weeks after my FIL's death - I spoke up (for probably one of the few times in my life ever) and said I cannot do it - certainly not now.

But now I'm a huge asshole.

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You're in a tough spot.  Everyone is emotional, panicked, and anxious.  

I could not under any circumstances live with my MIL nor could I have her raise my kids.

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Super red flag that MIL wanted to make all these big changes RIGHT NOW.

4 weeks after FIL's death is way too soon to be making financial or emotional decisions of that magnitude.

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That’s definitely not how that works here.   Hell I bet most people just skimmed the OP.

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My MIL moved in with my (then) wife and I and it destroyed our marriage.   It completely changes the dynamic in your home and not for the better.  You are NOT the problem.