I'd like to see, "Satanist Church converts to Christian Church after realizing Satan is the loser"
A Satanist church in Bentonville, AR, has residents shocked and amazed at an apparent theological about-face. The Satanist church that has been a pillar of the community for decades has made an announcement that nobody was expecting. A spokesperson reported,
"We started asking the question, Where did our knowledge of Satan come from? Paster Mark and Brother Ben did some studying, and we were shocked to find that Satan loses in the end. We thought he was the tougher god but it turns out he's a total loser pussy. We don't want to be associated with that."
Church deacons will say goodbye to Satan and hello to Jesus, who, they say, unlike Satan, is a complete winner.
Pastor Mark sat down with us and outlined his new strategy.
"We want to be winners, obviously. Jesus has a lot going for him - he loves to fight, kicked ass with melee weapons in the Temple back in the day, and has a double edged sword that comes out of his mouth. Best of all, you can't kill him. He'll just lay there for a while, maybe playing possum for a day, but he'll come back"
When asked about how that helps churchgoers, the pastor continued to explain, "Oh, there are lots of advantages. Jesus' followers also get resurrection zombie powers along with teleportation, invulnerability, and forever life. Satan just can't match that. Also, from what we're reading, the accommodations that Jesus provides are far superior."