We are here for you. If we can help, we would like to.

@Smashy

There are plenty of people ready to listen. I will be up for awhile. Will keep checking in.

Smashy, like others have said, do not do anything right away.   Do your best to hold on, even for a little bit to just talk.  No rush.  I'll be here all night, maybe others too.  I've had insomnia for years and just cat nap now and then.

God does indeed forgive.  But I believe he also has promised to not give you more than you can bear.  Now I have to do a quick Google search to make sure I'm correct on that.  Because I have held on to that promise many times over the last 40 years.  

1 CORINTHIANS 10:13
KJ21
There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man. But God is faithful; He will not suffer you to be tempted beyond that which ye are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

I have been suicidal too many times to count over the last 40 years.  Not sure if I remember about how that passage applies.  But my experience has been that He has not given me more than I can bear, but many times it sure feels like He takes it right up there to the very very edge of what we can bare.

OP, remember and believe this.

Again I say unto you, that if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father who is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

This is real. This is true. This works.
I know it does.

I'm not going to go into my stories at this time but I have a few.

Grab someone / anyone who is a believer with strong faith and pray . Ask for what you want. Pray often /find a good Church and fellowship.

Damn can I get your number? Just kidding! Offers like this shows the true heart of this place! Head up smashy!

I've had 3 family members kill themselves.  My mom in 1989, and I still ask myself to this day what did I do wrong?  What did I miss?

My wife of almost 30 years died last month.  And I've been wanting to join her so very badly.  My life has been so bad in many ways and I feel like I missed out.  And there's no way to recover. Like I failed.  I prayed to God so many times over decades to please just let me be unborn.  To never have existed.  Or to instantly cease to exist with no more suffering.  And only in the last week did I realize that God knew what I would go through in my life.  He knew how I would feel and suffer.  And yet he created me anyway.  And I realized, He knows more than me and must have a reason for me to be here.  And it made me think I just need to keep going on to see where this goes.  

Keep holding on.  There is a reason for you to be here and to endure your suffering.  That is what I have to believe to keep going right now.

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Please talk to someone. I'm praying for you brother.

May God bless you, sir.

And Smashy, as well.

And all of us here tonight.

Amen

Waiting for you to drop your load on us

Praying for you.

Anyone talking to Smashy?

I don't pretend to know God's mind and why He does things the way He does at times but I know whatever he does it's  done for a reason important to Him and to us.Wether we realize it at the time or not.
This one made me realize a few things.

John 9:2 Context

1And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. 2And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. 4I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work. 5As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

A man was blind from birth for the purpose of being healed that day in that hour in front of those people gathered there.
Think about that. That guy survived and lived with his affliction so he could be healed at that time.
I like to think God helped him along the way.
I bet the man was completely overwhelmed with joy and the crowd was astounded. The man's blindness and healing probably drew some to accept Jesus.

I don't post much. Been here since 2004 and I can't even tell you how many posts I have but it can't be over 300. Anyway, I logged in to say the beauty of this place is that everyone, for the most part, rallies around those that need it. Whatever you are going through, lay it on us. Sometimes when we're in the thick of whatever is going on in our life, we can't see the big picture or think clearly. Sometimes we just need to vent and get everything out that is clogged in our brains. Not saying that this is 100% guaranteed to help but maybe someone on here can put whatever your going through into perspective even if you can't see it right now. Regardless of whats going on you have people that love and care for you who would miss the shit out of you. I've seen the results of suicide first hand and it is devastating to the ones left behind. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies let alone those that I love. Talk to God. Talk to us. Talk to a pastor. Just talk. We're all here for you bro

I understand that. I don't think that way. If I did, I wouldn't have asked.



Okay. Give me some time, there's a lot. But I have to warn you guys, it's not pleasant. But I guess I've already put myself out there so why not.



No, GD is fine. This is where I've been coming for everything for the past eleven years anyway so I'd feel uncomfortable now without the fuckery, as someone put it.

Thanks for the IMs as well. I haven't responded to them because I haven't had a chance but I appreciate it, as well as all the support shown here.

I'll be back in a bit after I've typed up some dirty laundry.

God loves all his creations

That comment was not directed at you. It was in response to another poster.

Thanks for not going to team cause I would probably have to reup, and I don’t need to see the same 4 nekid wives over and over anymore.

Anyway throw it out there. Sometimes it just takes a disinterested 3rd party to help shed light.

Smashy,

I more than get it when dealing with the VA and health issues.

Far more vets go through this than will admit it when dealing with the VA.
A bit over a year ago I went through a bad time that nearly killed me.
My world came crashing down around me around me only to have
my son kick me even further down when I was at my very lowest.

What saved my life was my German Shepherd puppy, and even he was
taken away from me in the end (I sobbed over having to give him up).
Now a year later I'm pulling out of it. My health is slowly improving and
I see some hope returning to where it was only darkness and despair.

For what it's worth you're not alone, There are a lot of us at different stages
of going through it or having gone through it let someone lend you a hand.
None of us make it through on our own no matter how hard we try to.

I've had older vets weep on my shoulder who are dealing with
issues from a war before my time, but they are still my brothers.
Remember that you are not alone, and some of us need you to be
there for us just so we know that we're not alone in this either.

I'll be praying for you brother.

That pain you are feeling will be given to others that you care about and those that care about you.

What can we do to help? My VA head doc just moved to OR, he is a good dude, got me off that ledge as well as other .mil arfcomers.

Im up late, kiddo is in the NICU, we are here for you bro

Christ forgives all who come to him and repents their sins. God does not want you to dwell on your sins. He wants you to move on and walk in the spirit of christ. Satan wants you to live in your sins with guilt every day.

When you come before God in repentance, God exchanges your filthy rags for his robes of righteousness.

A man once came to his pastor and confessed, "there's something I've done in my past that is so bad and I don't think God could ever forgive me. I must have asked God to forgive me at least a thousand times." That pastor looked at him and said, " then you've asked God to forgive you 999 times too many. You should have asked for his forgiveness one time and then thanked him 999 times for forgiving you."

That's exactly what God wants you to do. Satan says look at your sin; God says look at my son. In Isaiah 1:18 we read,
"though your sins are like Scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson they shall be as wool ."

The time has come for a fresh start and a clean slate. God does not want to see the marks of your past. Instead, he sees this:  "see, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands" (Isaiah 49:16). God has written your name where he can see it. In the end, that is the only tattoo that matters.

Care for you smashy, a lot here have been through some tough medical issues and probably can relate, feel free to say anything public or private, you got a lot of friends

There are people who have it so much worse than me, and God carries some of my load. I don't know how. I may hate where things are right now, but I don't know what's in store for me in the future. So I'm waiting to find out. Get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, do the chores, love my family. Things can still get worse. And they probably will. But I can still get up. And somehow God reminds me not to care about the things that suck. Not just me, but everything in this world will pass away, and the kingdom of God is forever, and not of this world. This world of suck is not mine. I don't deserve God's mercy and grace, but it's there anyway, and I accept it. And when this life finally is over, I can be healed of all the rot and poison that's in me now and take a new, improved form. But that's on His time.

It's true, sometimes it's just pain with no way out. The eternal reward will render moot all the suck of this mortal life. This world and it's pain is not our ultimate end. Endure to the end.



Smashy, you're a good dude. Stay with me. Don't leave me. Life for others will suck more without you in it, believe it or not. I can't help you feel better, I can't fix what's wrong. But maybe I can share some of the pain. You're in my heart, Smashy. And I call out for God to hold you in his hand. Not that everything will be made right in this world, but he can carry some of your load so you can get up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other.

Feel free to IM me. I’ve been there before. But look at my avatar to know where to find the help you need.

Sorry man, but suicide is one of the unforgivable sins.
You believe in salvation you must endure.
You need to ask forgiveness of your sins, but you can’t if you took your own life.
It’s one of the few catch 22s, can’t ask forgiveness of something you haven’t done yet, and can’t ask forgiveness of something after your dead.

I’d PM you, but I’m sure your e mail and PMs are full by now, if you do want to talk I’m here for you.
Ask and I’ll send you my phone number, please.

Honest to God, I don't know the answer to this but the sense is that it is a sin to bring about your own destruction.

I have been going through a lot of physical pain myself since February and I just have to say it really is hard to take sometimes.  I wonder if all the pain is just God's way to get us ready to go to the next stage of life.  If so, then that is just something that we all must walk through, we must endure the pain because in the end we turn to him for mercy, healing, and consolation and that brings about a kind of purification in our spirit.

If you need someone to just sit and talk to or any help for anything, please IM me.  I am in the Portland area but am always up for a trip.  We are all called to help out brothers in need.

I’m also here if you need someone and some help-I can and will come to wherever you are.

I’ve been down this road…. Btdt.

Smashy

I've been down a lot of bumpy roads, I understand that means nothing (I'm not saying that in a negative way), it's just... the biggest challenge anyone has is the one in front of them.

Share your story, if I can help I will.

Lord, please bless Smashy, thank you.

Bump

Then do it. We got time, and talking about things helps ease the burden.

We’re still here.

Don’t turn this into a safe thread…..and get it locked.

Depends on the religion.

God Forgives

Please find someone to talk with

Smashy your boy has lost too many brothers. Don’t do anything  that would hurt him, yourself or your family. We are here.

I know. I was just clarifying my position.

I guess I'll start with this. It's probably the most unpleasant to read so I'l get it out of the way first. Who knows, maybe someone else can benefit from it.

I've been living with severe ulcerative colitis for 30 years. It's one of those things that slowly keeps getting worse over time until it eventually turns to cancer as I understand it. I'm not at that point yet. At least, not as of my last colonoscopy eight months ago, which I have to do every year. But my symptoms keep getting worse over time. There's no cure for it, but various drugs are used to treat/control it. I've been through them. They either don't help or have side effects for me (everyone is different) that rules them out. So it's pretty much left to run wild, as it already has been for three decades.

Without getting too graphic, this is the only way I can deal with the symptoms: Whatever is in there (in my bowels) wants to come out in the morning. It's a regular thing. But it's not in a normal healthy way. So I have to (this is the hard part) use enemas every morning to deal with it. I've been doing this literally every day for the past 20 years. How many will vary from one day to the next. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. Some days I get lucky and only need three or four. Today was ten. A few days ago I set a new record: 13 one day and then 14 a couple of days later. This is what's necessary for me to deal with this disease on a daily basis. After it's done, then I'm able to go on and live a fairly normal life for the rest of the day, until the next morning when it starts all over again. It's also why I can only work evening hours. I'm stuck in the house the first part of the day dealing with my issues.

But the effect this has on my body every morning is sheer torture. Eveyone has had to use an enema on occasion, not a big deal. Try ten or twelve in a row. The effect is something hard to describe, it has to be experienced to understand. It's devastating on the body. After two or three of them, it starts to put more and more stress on the body. The strain on the abdominal cavity/internal areas is worse with each one. And the pain gets worse with each one. It becomes unbearable. I often have to stop and rest a while before I do another one. It can take several hours. If I do too many too soon it feels like a blood pressure spike, heart attack, and severe dizzy spell all in one, along with the intense pain. That's about the best way I can think of to describe it. I have to go through this every morning. It's hell. But it's my life.

To try to mitigate the daily symptoms somewhat because they've gotten worse, I've drastically reduced how much and what I eat. Doing this helps somewhat, but it's still an issue regardless. There isn't anything I can eat that won't do this to me. For the last several months, I've been eating some canned mackerel and maybe some sardines in the morning, and that's it. I'm very hungry the rest of the day but I don't eat. I don't want to have to pay a heavier price than I already do the next morning. I've lost 70 pounds. I've gotten very weak. I look older.

I have a really bad hernia. I mean it's bulging out pretty far. It needs surgery. I have to push in on it with my fingers to keep it from popping out when I'm doing my thing in the morning. Also if I feel a cough or sneeze coming on.

I had a life-changing back injury 18 years ago. Two bulged discs and one torn, L4 and L5. My physiatrist at the time recommended against surgery because no guarantee it would work and might make it worse. So I just lived with the pain best I could. Physical therapy for a year, twice weekly chiropractor visits also for a year. I couldn't work. My wife supported us. Eventually we moved to Oregon, partly for family reasons but also because we never had time for each other (three kids) and we wanted to make a change to a slower pace of life and have more time together. But a few weeks after we moved to Oregon, she died.

I still couldn't work. I didn't know what I was going to do. But after a few months I started receiving survivor benefits from the social security she paid into. It was enough for us to live on so I could raise my kids and work on my back healing. I raised the kids on my own. They're all gone now. I live alone. The back injury slowly healed enough to the point where I could do fairly normal things, although no jobs involving heavy lifting. It goes out occasionally and I might be out of work for a few days while it heals. That's been the case for the last 17 years.

But over the last year and a half the old injury has deteriorated and is causing other issues. Those damaged discs are causing compression on the main nerve going down both legs. At first it was just some numbness in a couple of toes, but it's gotten much worse. If I lay down, the spine not being compressed allows those discs to absorb fluid, making them expand and put pressue on the nerve. I wake up with severe pain in my lower legs, muscle tightness and cramping, and also in the feet. I jump up and start walking around to get the muscles moving. When I'm upright, the compression of the spine causes those swollen discs to go down again and stop pressing on the nerve, and after a minute or two the pain and cramping goes away. But if I lay down again, it happens again a short time later. I end up jumping up in pain every 30 minutes all night long.

To prevent his, I can't lay down. I have to sleep sitting up in a chair. That keeps compression on those discs all night so it doesn't happen. But that also means piss poor quality sleep, so I've been living on an average of 3-4 hours' sleep a night for several months. I'm suffering from extended sleep deprivation due to this. But there's nothing I can do about it. I have to use caffeine pills to stay awake when driving or watching a movie. Living the zombie life.

These pictures are from a year or so ago before things got drastically worse and I still looked pretty normal.

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This is a typical day for me now.

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Sorry, I just realized how bad that pic is.

Hold Fast friend. Run the race until the end, I know how hard it is, had medical issues my whole life that changed everything. I pray that comfort and peace is with you in all things. There are people in your life that need you and your example in the good times and the bad.

But the issue has gotten worse. Nerve compression is happening all the time. My lower leg muscles are tight and stiff all the time. The numbness (mostly right foot so far, but starting in the left foot) in the toes slowly spread along the top of the foot going part way up the front of the shin. Now the numbness is spreading all around the foot. This is all the time, not just laying down. Driving is starting to become difficult. The foot wants to keep cramping a lot, the calf muscle spasms every so often. Today I tried to lay down and the foot immediatley started to cramp. Can't do it. I'm told "drop foot" may become an issue, where you can't lift the foot. If it gets to that point, I won't be able to drive. That will be the end of the road for me. I'm 56 and live alone, no one to help. If I can't drive, there's no way I could survive any longer.

I need surgery but don't see how it could be done, with my back issue causing severe leg pain. I can't be bed-ridden. I'm forced to stay up all the time.

The VA is under-funded, under-staffed, takes forever to make anything happen. I've been reassigned to different providers every so often, and every time that happens I have to go through the process of being a new patient and waiting for that first appointment and physical. Meanwhile my issues keep getting worse. And not a real doctor. The last provider I was assigned to was a nurse practitioner in New Mexico who I only met twice on a video screen. She left the VA as they all do and I was recently reassigned to a physician's assistant somewhere on the east coast. The last physical therapist there left for a better job a couple of years ago.

I've been seeing a physical therapist that the VA referred me to since they don't have one. But the VA only approves 15 sessions at a time. That's right about when I start feeling a little improvement, but then the VA takes two months to approve more sessions. By then the progress I've made is lost and I have to start over. So I'm getting no where. This time I waited over two months for the next approval only to find that the request for more was somehow lost. I had to have the therapist submit a new request. Once that happens, I have to wait another two months for the new request to be approved. I've tried calling twice the last few days to see if that new request went in. Both times I was on hold for ten minutes and then it hung up on me. I'll try again this week. So physical therapy isn't accomplishing anything. At least not through the VA. But it won't fix my problem anyway, just maybe ease the symptoms for a while.

The VA referred me to a neurosurgeon to see if they could help me. I never got to see them for a consultation. They looked at my x-rays and scans the VA sent them and they think I don't need surgery, so they declined to see me. They said I need physical therapy.

I tried to apply for the Oregon Health Plan, our state's health insurance plan to see if I could get better medical care outside the VA (by the way, if it's not obvious yet, I tried this route because I'm what you guys call a poor. I'm stuck in a dead-end job that doesn't pay much because my body limits what I can do and when). OHP denied me because I already have the VA. Can't have both. The lady at the OHP office was trying to be helpful and suggested I ask if I can go outside the VA but have them cover it since I'm not getting adequate care with them. I tried that. The VA said no because I have a provider. They'll only allow that if there isn't a provider available. I'm stuck with the VA and it's not getting me anywhere.

Meanwhile my issues have gotten to the point that they're becoming unbearable and I may not be able to survive on my own much longer if they get any worse. The problem with my lower leg and foot was noticeably worse today than yesterday. I often have to spend time in the morning walking around in the house for a while to get my legs and feet moving and loosened up a bit before I start my other routine. My daily routine for the other issues is becoming more difficult to deal with as my symptoms get worse and my body gets older. I don't know how much longer I can keep taking the daily punishment I have to deal with. I'm weak from starvation, malnutrition, lack of sleep, daily trauma and pain, and the emotional trauma and pain that goes along with all this. It's too much. I'm having strong palpitations/rapid heart rate issues, I think probably from a combination of starvation and anxiety.

Maybe now you're starting to understand why I asked what I asked in the OP. I'm backed into a corner and see no way out. I don't know how much time I have left before it all falls apart.

And there's other stuff on top of that. Car died for good, I'm left with my old van which is a major gas hog and the seating position aggravates my leg and foot problem. My elderly mother is in assisted living and in the early stages of dementia. I have to keep all this a secret from her. She worries herself sick over the littlest things. If she knew about these things it would be all over for her and it would make my life even harder. So I have to keep a plastic smile on my face while I do what I can to help take care of her. I'm also the legal guardian for my daughter. She's actually my wife's daughter from a previous marriage. I've been raising her as my own since she was four. She's 34 now. She's mentally ill. She was a teen when her mom died. She went into a tailspin and the next five years were a nightmare as I tried to save her from herself while raising my two little boys. It came to a head one day when I found out she was planning to kill me. She has a low IQ due to brain damage that happened in utero, paranoid delusions, borderline schizophrenia, etc.

Anyway that's when I finally got her placed in a home where she has 24 hour supervision. I petitioned the court to make me her legal guardian and they did. It's the only way I can make sure she keeps getting the care she needs. I promised my wife that if anything ever happened to her that I would keep taking care of our daughter and not send her back to her biological father, who's a real POS and wants nothing to do with her anyway. My boys are off living their own lives far from here. So it's just me. Someone mentioned dogs earlier. I had my black lab but he was dying and I had to put him down a few months ago. I don't want another pet now. I can barely take care of myself anymore, I don't want that responsibility too.

Someone mentioned alcohol. I quit drinking in 1992. I had to because of my UC, alcohol makes it really bad. Haven't had a drop since. Don't smoke either. Or eat much anymore. lol

This ended up much longer than I expected. I know it's a lot, and I'm probably forgetting a thing or two. But there it is. Mostly. I don't know if it was a good idea to reveal all these details but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. This is where I'm at. No way out that I can see and things keep getting worse. Just dealt a really bad hand in life I guess. I'll find out if my leg and foot are any worse in the morning.

I just bought my first harmonica recently. I was really looking forward to learning to play it.

what is stopping you from getting the hernia fixed? would getting that fixed improve your quality of life a noticeable amount?

Oh yeah, I forgot that I'm also losing a bunch of hair from all the stress. lol

I don't have a consultation appointment for an evaluation with the surgeon yet. Still waiting on that, looks like it will be a couple of months before they can see me.

OP, all I can say is that as bad as things are for you, you should find a way to help others and do good in this world. That is what makes God happy.

Focus on the good things in life, OP. There's beauty in everything, even a raging storm.

Stay strong, brother Smashy. I'm praying for you. 🙏