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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:18:05 PM EST
[#1]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I can't poop with the bathroom door open, even if I'm home alone. 
When I’m home alone with my 2 year old son and nature calls, ain’t no way I’m shutting that door. He’d end up hurting himself or breaking something. The other day I went out on the deck for a couple minutes to change a propane tank on the grill, came back in and he turned all the burners on the stove on. Thank god I didn’t leave anything flammable on the stove.
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:18:07 PM EST
[#2]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Some of you fuckers need Jesus. I the Honorable and Right Reverend JD by the powers vested in me by the ULC and my state for accepting that bullshit, absolve you all of your sins. Well, almost all. I can't absolve the dildo in the butt guy. I think you might be fucked. |
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:18:10 PM EST
[#3]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I'm considering buying a used $19k beater Toyota Tacoma for my daughter's 16th birthday. 
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:22:24 PM EST
[#4]
I want to violate a certain banned autistic flower selling member’s wife.
Just kidding. i. That’s disgusting.
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:23:19 PM EST
[#5]
Quote HistoryQuoted: Do you have any used pillows for sale? 
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:28:58 PM EST
[#6]
When my asshole itches, I drag it on the carpet like a dog. It works great until you run over your balls...then it gets really painful - really quickly.
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:32:58 PM EST
[#7]
When I was 17, I went to the doctor for blue balls.
Fuck you, WebMD. |
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:33:01 PM EST
[#8]
Ever been on a good beer pong run with a buddy at a party... and then end up getting too drunk too quickly before quite realizing it... and then lose the next match to a couple of hot girls? Except that next match vs a couple bimbos was a sure win and you made a stupid bet before hand?
Yeah... I lost a really dumb bet once. 
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:38:11 PM EST
[#9]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
When I was 17, I went to the doctor for blue balls. Fuck you, WebMD. I got run over by a polaris quad during an impromptu race and the spinning tires ran right up my junk and ruined the rest of my 4th Of July. I spent the remainder of the cookout sitting in a chair swapping out various frozen vegetable bags on my junk while plinking away at logs with a CZ75. Next day my junk was LITERALLY all black and blue. the shaft, the beans, the head... all of it. Like a deep purple... looked like a little eggplant. About the 3rd day of having a black and blue frank n beans I went to the doctor and had to explain this to him. I was worried I'd never get an erection again and I was too chicken shit to try and get one. Do you know what it's like for a 20-something guy to NOT look at porn or jerk off? Worst part was... I was the one driving the polaris quad before I sent myself over the handlebars and proceeded to run myself over. I grabbed anything I could to hold on as it flung me forward; which happened to be the throttle and managed to twist the shit out of it and rev the engine to high heaven just in time to truck my sorry ass. I was missing leg and chest hair where the freely spinning tires depilated me as I covered my face. I should have covered my balls.
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:46:35 PM EST
[#10]
I got hammered one night and passed out in bed. Had a real vivid dream that I had to pee something fierce. Finally came across a field with a nice fence corner post. Got up to the post and with the greatest piss relief feeling of my life let er flow. About then all hell broke loose, woke up with the wife screaming and my legs wrapped around her while I was pissing all over her back. She was salty about that for a looooong time
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:48:59 PM EST
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I got hammered one night and passed out in bed. Had a real vivid dream that I had to pee something fierce. Finally came across a field with a nice fence corner post. Got up to the post and with the greatest piss relief feeling of my life let er flow. About then all hell broke loose, woke up with the wife screaming and my legs wrapped around her while I was pissing all over her back. She was salty about that for a looooong time |
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Posted: 7/18/2018 11:49:29 PM EST
[#12]
When I was a teenager, my dad walked into the house one day after coming home from a golf game...and caught me whacking it. I guess I should have left the living room and gone to my bedroom or the bathroom instead, thinking back on it....
 Well, no big deal. It would have been if I'd kept stroking but I didn't do that.  I've been in handcuffs and in the back of a police car twice. But in both cases it was not due to anything I'd done. It was due to things OTHER people had done. That is kind of embarrassing, I admit, but not half so much as if I'd actually earned the ride. Things were sorted out rather quickly, no dents on my record for it. Anything more embarrassing than that will not be revealed here. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:16:48 AM EST
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Ever been on a good beer pong run with a buddy at a party... and then end up getting too drunk too quickly before quite realizing it... and then lose the next match to a couple of hot girls? Except that next match vs a couple bimbos was a sure win and you made a stupid bet before hand? Yeah... I lost a really dumb bet once. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:21:08 AM EST
[#14]
I hurt somebody’s feelings once...
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:30:51 AM EST
[#15]
I've never successfully chugged a six pack at Cola Warrior. 5 is the most I've gotten down.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:40:29 AM EST
[#16]
First time I fired a semi auto pistol I didn’t know how to hold it. Slide came back and cut my hand.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:43:18 AM EST
[#17]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I can easily drink a fifth a night. Not that I'm proud of that. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:49:05 AM EST
[#18]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
To balance things out; I have never seen Frozen. Nor have I heard the song. I haven't consciously avoided it, but I don't have kids so I've never been exposed to it. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Last time my wife was out of town I watched Moana on Netflix while a hedgehog slept on my stomach. Damn good movie. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 12:51:31 AM EST
[#19]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I once considered supporting an American League team. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 1:17:42 AM EST
[#20]
I voted for John Kerry in the Presidential election of I forgot what year.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 1:23:26 AM EST
[#21]
The girlfriend and I were tickling each other, she somehow got me locked pretty good and was relentlessly tickling me. A fart came out, then I felt something warm follow close behind it.
 Told her I had to pee and went and cleaned up with her being none the wiser. 
She still doesn't know. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 1:33:44 AM EST
[#22]
I get aroused at the hissing sound of a woman peeing. Furry women parts turn me on.red heads. Especially red carpets. I can sense when a woman is menstrating. When they are bloated with those full swollen boobs, even during that time of the month- munch the box. Damn sheets look like a crime scene.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 1:49:23 AM EST
[#23]
I once had sex with a woman who had had sex with a lot of guys. Started having trouble pissing. I became obsessed that I had some kind of disease and called a doctor on Sunday and insisted he see me.
He told me to get some fluid from my dick and looked at it under a microscope. Said he didn't see anything bad and asked me how long ago I'd had sex with that woman. I told him it was the night before and he laughed and laughed; said I had guilty conscience clap. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 1:50:35 AM EST
[#24]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I get aroused at the hissing sound of a woman peeing. Furry women parts turn me on.red heads. Especially red carpets. I can sense when a woman is menstrating. When they are bloated with those full swollen boobs, even during that time of the month- munch the box. Damn sheets look like a crime scene. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 1:53:15 AM EST
[#25]
Quoted: That can't be the worst thing you ever did. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 2:05:41 AM EST
[#26]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I get aroused at the hissing sound of a woman peeing. Furry women parts turn me on.red heads. Especially red carpets. I can sense when a woman is menstrating. When they are bloated with those full swollen boobs, even during that time of the month- munch the box. Damn sheets look like a crime scene. 
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Posted: 7/19/2018 2:19:58 AM EST
[#27]
For no real reason whatsoever, I once convinced myself that I had AIDS and kept making it worse over the period of a week via Google and WebMD to the point that I thought I was dying.
3 tests later, and no AIDS. I simply made myself hysterical for no actual reason other than I mentally psyched myself out. Oh and whoever said they watch Riverdale, the chicks mom is fucking HOT. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 2:26:40 AM EST
[#28]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I go to a 12-step program for alcoholics and addicts on a weekly basis. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 2:31:14 AM EST
[#29]
I'm sitting on the john and I just got done eating a booger.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 2:34:53 AM EST
[#30]
I took a crap in my Lieutenant trash can befor a 30 day deployment. Old bldg no air.
Next time we deployed I crapped in his desk drawer. When we got back his office was rank. He held a formation wanting to know who was crapping in his office. He was almost in tears, none of the fellas gave me up. Hell Iam not really embarrassed, just bragging. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 2:35:47 AM EST
[#31]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I get aroused at the hissing sound of a woman peeing. Furry women parts turn me on.red heads. Especially red carpets. I can sense when a woman is menstrating. When they are bloated with those full swollen boobs, even during that time of the month- munch the box. Damn sheets look like a crime scene. 
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Posted: 7/19/2018 3:15:13 AM EST
[#32]
Quote History |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 3:19:18 AM EST
[#33]
I work on a 12 pack a night wether I need it or not
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Posted: 7/19/2018 3:20:42 AM EST
[#34]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Come on its not that bad is it? Quote HistoryQuoted:
Come on its not that bad is it?
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Posted: 7/19/2018 3:21:23 AM EST
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I love the old seasons on SpongeBob. I caught a more recent episode in a hotel last year and found it very disturbing. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 3:43:30 AM EST
[#36]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I'm 28 and still a virgin. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 3:46:49 AM EST
[#37]
Ice age is funny.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:04:25 AM EST
[#38]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I get aroused at the hissing sound of a woman peeing. Furry women parts turn me on.red heads. Especially red carpets. I can sense when a woman is menstrating. When they are bloated with those full swollen boobs, even during that time of the month- munch the box. Damn sheets look like a crime scene. https://www.AR15.Com/media/mediaFiles/32554/F6329D40-53E1-448E-B495-0469BD4C5D0D-612408.jpg https://www.AR15.Com/media/mediaFiles/32554/F6060E1D-3342-4133-BDDE-D0EC7409936C-612409.jpg https://www.AR15.Com/media/mediaFiles/32554/29685195-85D2-4323-81E8-F39DCF68A749-612410.jpg
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:10:17 AM EST
[#39]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I can easily drink a fifth a night. Not that I'm proud of that. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:19:31 AM EST
[#40]
I peed my pants in 7th grade. My English teacher kept talking and talking, and not wanting to interrupt to ask for a hall pass, I waited. Finally, she finished her monologue and I got a pass. The staff locked the hallway bathrooms during classes for some reason, so students had to go to the main office to use the bathroom during classes. I did an awkward shuffle/run to the office, drew a short squiggly line on the sign-in sheet, and ran down the short hallway that led to the bathroom. Literally as I was reaching for the doorknob, the piss started flowing. I burst through the door and ripped my pants off, my wang doing a runaway fire hose impression until I could get hands on it.
After I was empty, I sat down on the toilet, looking at the medium-sized wet spot on the front of my pants thinking, "What the fuck am I gonna do now?" I don't remember exactly how everything after that transpired, but eventually I made contact with one of the counselors and he got my stuff from English class, got my backpack out of my locker, and I called home and got a ride. Once the embarrassment wore off, I found it pretty funny. I told all my friends about it the next day and laughed it off. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:23:01 AM EST
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I can't poop with the bathroom door open, even if I'm home alone. Yet somehow I survived my military career, which often involved situations of "absolutely zero privacy." I still can't figure that out. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:26:15 AM EST
[#42]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I go to a 12-step program for alcoholics and addicts on a weekly basis. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:38:31 AM EST
[#43]
I'm a big, straight, southern male who is, at base, a lifelong country music fan, but if Prince's song "Kiss" comes on the radio I will sing right along with the little purple man.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:42:07 AM EST
[#44]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
Nothing to be embarrassed about. Quote HistoryQuoted:
Quoted:
I go to a 12-step program for alcoholics and addicts on a weekly basis. |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 4:56:58 AM EST
[#45]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I snorted coke off a whore's ass once. 
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Posted: 7/19/2018 5:40:16 AM EST
[#46]
Quote HistoryQuoted:
I like the soundtrack to Hamilton |
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Posted: 7/19/2018 5:48:33 AM EST
[#47]
I almost threw up on my wife about 1 minute before she gave birth our first. I blame stress, 2 hours sleep in 36, and hospital chicken fingers. I had to reach over her and grab the puke bag they set up for her.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 5:51:31 AM EST
[#48]
Got kicked out of a Thai whorehouse.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 5:52:10 AM EST
[#49]
I'm as straight as can be, yet The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is one of my favorite movies.
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Posted: 7/19/2018 6:12:28 AM EST
[#50]
I fingered-banged a girl who was pretty close to a midget when I was in 9th grade. She was 4'9 or so and looked like a blonde Darla from Our Gang. She was proportional, just small, chubby and had no tits. She was a year older than me and the friend of my brothers girlfriend.
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