Having shared a McGuffin-fueled acid trip, MC decides that Covenant Barbie is his girlfriend.  Immediately, his mental status reverts to that of an 18-year-old recruit.  Meanwhile, Not-Avasarala and Not-Fred Johnson are watching some human colony get glassed.  Not gonna lie, the CGI was bretty gud.  I mean, we probably should have seen that in Episode 1 to get a sense of the Covenant threat, but hey, better late than never.  MC interrupts to tell everyone that he has a girlfriend now, and he wants permission for her to touch his McGuffin.  Not-Fred Johnson warns MC that she's just after his bennies, but MC is man on a mission.  Literally nothing is going to stop him.  He tells them she's definitely touching his McGuffin, right after he gets back from the Space Ford Dealership with his new Space Mustang, for which he can totally afford the payments.

Oh, and Not-Avasarala is an admiral.  Das rite.  Of all the costumes to rip off they went with Admiral Holdo from The Last Jedi.  Jebus.  Again, only rip off the good ones.  MC meanwhile, accomplishes the greatest dream of every recruit and gets laid.  Space Mustang totally came through.  And MC apparently knows how to lay the pipe, because Covenant Barbie starts having second thoughts about the whole killing all humanity thing.  She removes her finger blade because she doesn't want to accidentally damage that D.

This makes Nazi Barbie Mommy jealous, so she calls Covenant Barbie to tell her that MC can only have one mommy.  Covenant Barbie replies that she already touched his McGuffin, and she'll do it again.  This leaves Nazi Barbie Mommy with only one choice, so she executes Order 66 Zed Protocol.  With Order 66 Zed Protocol active, the Clones Spartans with their chips decide to hunt down Ahsoka Tano Kai and Obi Wan Kenobi MC.  Oh, and they're supposed to grab the McGuffin and Covenant Barbie while they're at it.  Nazi Barbie Mommy is determined to complete her B plot (the singularity) regardless of the consequences to the A plot (Human/Covenant war).

Nazi Barbie Mommy tells Cortana to turn MC off, but Cortana saw how well MC laid that pipe and is conflicted.  Cortana decides to shoot her shot and warns MC, who sends Covenant Barbie for help before the fight commences.  MC doesn't have his armor, however, so he pretty much gets his ass kicked.  You can hear The Mandalorian executives screaming "SEE!  I TOLD YOU!" all the way from Florida.

Meanwhile, Not-Drummer has once again proven to be the only useful Belter Glowie.  She's been trying to decipher the Covenant signal that came from Reach - you know, something that might actually aid that whole Human/Covenant war thing?  She finally does, and to her horror it's a call from Covenant Barbie to her mother, where she lays out her nefarious plan to steal MC's bennies.  She rushes to warn everyone, but it's too late.  Covenant Barbie touches the McGuffin and obtains MC's bennies in full.  She and MC get transported back to the Halo, and MC is all like "Babe, what's up?  Wanna smash later?"  But Covenant Barbie reveals her final form, the Dependapotamus.  She tells MC that she has a headache, his bennies are now hers, and she's going to get fat and bang Jodie when MC deploys.

Should've listened to the captain there chief.

We open the episode with the aftermath of the last McGuffin touching.  And let's just say it wrecked the place.  We're talking Hunter Biden after a week-long bender wrecked.  We're talking AOC's fantasy about January 6th wrecked.  We're even talking Kamala Harris' booty after a night with Willie Brown wrecked.  That bad.  Seriously.  All next season is just going to be them filing reports with UNSC command explaining how wrecked that place is.  Anyways, the first act is all about dem stronk womyns.  Stronk Womyn No. 1, Covenant Barbie, overpowers two really large marines because, why not.  She takes the McGuffin, MC's bennies, and leaves in that Covenant ship from Episode 1.  Stronk Womyn No. 2, Kai, goes after Stronk Womyn No. 3, Nazi Barbie Mommy.  They have some mother-daughter time as Nazi Barbie Mommy tries to flee Reach.  Kai takes her helmet off just in time for Nazi Barbie Mommy's beta bucks boyfriend to hit her with a really large wrench.  Jebus.  Keep that thing on.  Thankfully, Kai's skull is all bone anyways, so she's o.k.  She kills him, and Nazi Barbie Mommy decides she's going for the Singularity even if no one comes with.  So she grabs her bug burger, gets in the [escape] pod, and bails.  Then it's time for the dramatic crash scene.  Did Stronk Womyn No. 2 survive?  Wait for it.  Wait for it.  Of course, she's a stronk womyn.  Exploding spaceship.  Pffffft.  

Meanwhile, MC, Not-Avasarala, Not-Fred Johnson, and Not-Drummer are trying to figure out how the fuck they're going to explain the wreckage to UNSC command.  They decide to go back to fighting the Human-Covenant War - you know, their job.  That way they can blame everything on the war, and not their own incompetency in allowing a five-foot tall woman to touch the McGuffin in the middle of a heavily fortified military base.  "Yeah Admiral, that was, uh, a Covenant bombardment.  No, I don't know why they just glassed this one building instead of the entire planet.  I mean, those crazy Covenant, go figure amirite?"  But they need a plan.  And they have one.  Realizing they haven't ripped of Star Trek yet, Cortana and MC find the hidden Covenant base in a planet obscured by a whole lot of cosmic strings.  I think a tachyon beam is involved somehow as well.  Not-Avasarala wants to send 10,000 marines, but MC reminds her they're ripping off Star Trek, not Star Wars, so they just go with the four Spartans.  Also, it's the last episode and let's just say the CGI budget is already spoken for.  The Spartans go on their merry way and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.  Now they can get back to the "A" Story Line - family drama.  Look, I'm not even going to pretend you or I care about that, so I'm just going to cut to the chase - they capture Nazi Barbie Mommy, but it turns out to be another of those fake "compromised" clones, so she dies and everyone realizes the real one made good her escape.  Question.  How does Nazi Barbie Mommy keep getting her clones to sacrifice themselves for her?  Shouldn't they be as selfish as she is?  

Anyways, MC and the rest of Silver Team are flying through the cosmic string things and it's tearing their ship apart, so they all take off their helmets.  O.K. DISNEY, WE GET IT.  WE'LL SIGN YOUR PETITION.  WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THE MANDALORIAN'S FACE EVER AGAIN.  JUST STOP.  PLEASE STOP.  Anyways, they tachyon beam their way through and we finally get to the battle you've all been waiting for.  And it's glorious.  Visually, it's absolutely glorious.  It's what you've wanted since you first heard about this series.  It's what you've wanted since you first played Halo:CE.  Just, for the love of God, don't think about it too much.  In fact, don't think about it at all.  Seriously, stop reading this review right now, turn your brain off, and enjoy.  

You've been warned.  

Tactically, it's the biggest clusterfuck since whatever the Russians did in Ukraine yesterday.  So the Spartans opt for a frontal assault against the Kiev Airport, Covenant HQ.  Immediately, they find themselves surrounded by over 300 Covenant soldiers. Cyka Blyat. Remember when you could have had 10,000 reinforcements?  Yeah, so 300 v. 4 goes about how you'd expect. Covenant Barbie touches McGuffins 1 & 3 at the same time, and we get a partial star map of the Halo.  More importantly, we get reminded that MC and Covenant Barbie go all catatonic whenever one of them touches the McGuffin.  This is a problem, because MC wants to extricate himself, his team, and the two McGuffins before they retreat.  Now, the obvious solution is for one of the other three Spartans to grab the McGuffins, but the writers are really, really, really determined to finish that Singularity story line.  Seriously, they love that thing more than Creepio (Link).  So MC kinda maybe dies and Cortana takes over his body.  She also remote flies the Pelican (could have done that before, just saying).  They grab the McGuffins, the rest of the team, and they escape.  Oh, and that other female Spartan is really hurt, so they break out a blowtorch and cauterize a wound that is obviously covering massive internal injuries.  Jebus.  Even their medical training comes from Russia.  

Finally, we get the epilogue.  Guess what, it's Nazi Barbie Mommy talking about the Singularity YET AGAIN.  I don't know why this scene is in there, except perhaps because they hadn't ripped off Battlestar Galactica yet.  Congrats, you've now ripped off every major sci fi franchise in history.  Mission accomplished.  

But no Kwan, not even a flashback or a preview.  So clearly the best episode.    

You forgot the part where Space Barbie gets offed by MC's jealous partner Stronk Womyn No. 2

I actually thought Halsey was swooping in to rescue them when the ship showed up.  I guess Cortana can remotely control it?  And speaking of...

The three leaders of the entire enemy race are floating in the air just behind you.  You'd think that might warrant a shot or two from your sniper, or a quick 180 in the warship that you're leaving on.