The doctor said it was perhaps hormonal, and I did my best to put up with it during pregnancy, breast feeding, and here I am with a 2 year old kid and she's still awful.  

She just gets fatter and fatter and the more she does the more she hates herself and takes it out on me.  I think I'm about done putting up with this.  I tried and tried to hold this shitshow together for the sake of my child, but its become more apparent to me that is not a good enough reason to be miserable.  I recently learned shes been completely full of shit about all our life goals we planned together (such as our plans to move to an extremely rural location and raise the kid properly). Its pretty clear to me its unlikely she is going to change.  Months of marriage counseling accomplished nothing. I still rarely get laid and shes turned into a fucking slob.

I'm trying to figure out how to proceed.  We have a house that I originally purchased before we were married, but have since refinanced under both our names after marriage.  Purchase was 300k, owe only 200k on it now with about a dozen years left to go on a 15 year mortgage.  The issue is the house may be worth 400k now, which means I may be stuck buying her out if we divorce if I want to keep it (which would be a sizable chunk of cash).

I technically have saved up 100k in pure cash the last few years, so in theory I could buy her out without having to cash out refinance, but it would destroy years of meticulous savings and frugality and I'd lose my safety cushion.

I know this is THE forum for this kinda shit, so please enlighten me as to some possible paths forward here.  Sell the house and start new? (would hate it, really improved the place since I bought it).  Buy her out as is?  Cash out refinance to buy her out?  I'd almost have to go back up to a 20 or 30 year once I'm the only one paying the mortgage, so its really setting me back decades any way I look at it.  Number one priority is being part of my child's life, so my original plans of moving my family to the mountains are shit, since I'll need to stay in the suburbs to keep seeing my child.

This is all assuming she won't try and destroy my retirement, I don't think so, but anything is possible.  We make the exact same amount of money, so at least alimony is unlikely and it mitigates the child support costs if I can get joint custody. Hopefully.

Any advice is appreciated.

If it is worth 400k, sell it, pay off the note and split what is left.

You're going to lose half of your savings too.

I was mostly where you are about 5 years ago.  Kid was about 6 years old though.  We are 100% better off today, but it is going to hurt in the near term.

1) talk to a divorce lawyer in your state

2) do some marital counseling

Did you read his post?

Wall of text and all. Point 1 still stands.

Research levels of dread.  It's your only hope.

Eject and do it quickly.

You're gonna end up broke basically.  if she's as miserable as you describe, do you honestly except a divorce to proceed amicably?

That's a REAL hard time to be making decisions that effect you for years.  A 2-4 year old kid is WORK.

Hows she sleeping?  How were things before?

You said a lot about her. What do you have to say about yourself?

It's cute you think you have $100k to play/purchase with during/after a divorce.

OP, how long have you been married? Any savings, retirement plan accrual etc is 50/50 for the period of the marriage.

You are screwed on the house. But, anything that was yours prior to the marriage is yours.

I just went through this last August and quit claim deeded my house in order to keep 100% of my 401 and 457.

Right here is the sad truth I needed to hear.  I'm fucked no matter what I do.

OP, have you told her that you are this far along in the divorce consideration process?

I got nothing to offer, other than good luck and hope it works out.

But it sounds like you've already made up your mind.  Have you brought up the idea of 'divorce' before?  Particularly, in marriage counseling?

This.  Time to look in the mirror.

5 years married. I did get her to sign a prenup removing all ownership claims to anything gun related both prior and during the marriage, the lawyer I've talked to says it looks like it should hold up.  

We have similar retirement savings, although I probably have 25% more than her, so I guess I'll eat that shit too.

Lawyer will advise you best. See one. Good luck.

Don't be one of these guys who "sticks to his vows" and ends up being worn down to a little nub, a hollow husk of a man, all the while your wife is demonstrating behavior to your child that they will grow up thinking is acceptable. You may have married the wrong woman - obviously - and sorry your kid will get stuck in the middle. You want them to grow up in a household where both people are miserable and dysfunctional.

Leave her, fight to retain stability in your life, show your kid that you can come back from a bad situation and find happiness in your life.

Take the cash and disappear

Does she have Asperger's?

I can't address the whole picture here but do you have any means of improving her diet and habits?

I found me and my wife have a profound impact on each other's health.  We get fat together or we get thin together, we are lazy together or we work out together.  If I work out it motivates her, if she eats healthy it motivates me.  

I've also found that my wife is a SUBSTANTIALLY happier person when she is on the healthier path.  Eating decent food and running 20 miles per week is the night and day difference between depression and happiness for her.  

It's not easy to support your partner in this way because you have to get in the game yourself and walk the walk with them but in my experience it's worth it.  

I can't say that's the fix for you but it's doing wonders for me.  If you can't push her in that direction, try leading her in that direction by being the example.

Get her thyroid tested.

An out of whack thyroid can make people mean.

Seriously. Ask her to get it tested. What can it hurt?

I get that marriage is a two way street.  But I'm not really interested being in a 'roommate' situation with my wife.
In the past year I've quit a 25 year tobacco habit, and worked every day to improve lines of communication.  It was the one thing that marriage counseling kept coming back on, but at the end of the day shes not very receptive to it. I'm almost 40, in good shape, and not a slob.  And I still treat my wife with respect even though I rarely get it in return.  I'm turning into a beta by just continuing this farce because who else would put up with such shit.

But yeah I'm an asshole too, who isn't.  But I'm a respectful asshole.

LOL. This fucking place....

That may be true, but would you rather be fucked and miserable living with her or fucked and free?

Heed the cat.

Thats a rough sentiment

I worry what that says about our society.

Start the divorce. List in the divorce that selling the property to eliminate comutual debt is mandatory as something you seek.

Walk away as free as you can. Split anything left over, or fight to have put into an escrow account for the kid.

Start new.

Thats how I did it anyways. 10 years ago.

This. NM is a community property state.

Did it just get left at "its a possible hormonal issue?"   Had the hormone levels tested by OB?   Is this depression?  Thyroid checked?  Seen a "good" psychiatrist?  How was she before the pregnancy - if the changes were purely post pregnancy, I'd want a good workup, sometimes these things can be remedied.  She has got to be willing to participate though.

Its interesting you said this.  This did come up about a year ago as out of whack.  She's on meds now.  I'm not sure its helped though.

Did you not see any warning signs before she got pregnant? I feel bad for the kid, really wish you figured this out before.

ffs the state of some men

Sit her down and deliver an ultimatum.  Either she does an about face, joins jenny craig, starts eating better, starts exercising, willfully engages in sex (with you), and becomes the person you fell in love with or you are leaving.

You are in a good position since you both earn the same.  Custody will be a fight but do not settle for anything less than 50/50, period, end of story, no ifs ands or buts

See if your state requires two party consent to record audio. If not, start recording your conversations.  

Print out copies of ALL finances.

Watch out for the I NEED AN ORDER OF PROTECTION BECAUSE HE THREATENED ME attack.

If she says no then quietly find a lawyer and file.  Shut off all joint credit cards that day.  Get a new card in only your name.
Sell the house, pay off the balance, split the remainder, buy something smaller that you can afford without struggling.

It will be rough for a while but eventually you will look back, smile, and know you made the right decision.

Life is too short to be miserable

ETA: Is that 100K in the bank?  If so then 1/2 is hers.  If not and you earned it then hide it

ETA#2: In addition to my opening barrage I would demand that she see a doc and get every possible test to see if there is a legit medical explanation for the way she acts

Does she work?

It was within 2 weeks of being knocked up, she became a different person.  Like a light switch was flipped.  Never did go back to her old self. Her thyroid did come back as abnormal about a year ago.

has she been to a doc to get her hormones checked?  Sounds like post-partum depression that is still ongoing.  Self-loathing in clinical depression can manifest as rage towards family.

ETA: if she had thyroid issues, sounds like she needs to go back and get a lot of tests run.  Our personalities are at the mercy of our hormones, to a certain degree.

You're miserable. She's not going to change.

Vs.

You're going to lose your ass in a divorce. That's not going to change.

You have a kid. You're going to pay.

So, simple...you're miserable. Wanna stay miserable or hang on to more of your money?

You want your kid growing up in a miserable house or at least have one parent have a shot at being healthy and happy?

Just keep her and treat her like shit.

Get laid on the side.  

Be nice to your kid.

Too late for you, OP but once again I will post this for the onlookers who are considering it.

And if what you say is true, eject. Women and the thing called marriage are not what they used to be and will destroy a good man.

use 20k of the 100k you have saved up and shut the fuck up about it...

I've gone keto more times than I can count just for her.  And cook special dinners just for her, only for her to start cheating right away, then go insane on me when I decide to cook a fucking potato the next night (even though she is the one who decided to stop keto).  I can't win the dietary battle, I've truly tried every possible way.  

Its sad because she wasn't like this before, she was a wonderful person.  Something happened when she got knocked up, and theres nothing that I've tried that seems to work.

What are her drinking habits

You've got $100k in cash?  

Go out and buy whatever the ONE thing is that you've always wanted.  Sports car, Motorcycle, Machine gun, etc.

Life is too short to stay in a bad marriage.  You're getting divorced, might as well get that Porsche/Ford Raptor while you've still got the cash.

Regardless of how things will end up remember this, she is bitter and angry that she gave up the life she always knew she should have.  

You and the child are an impetiment to her happiness and she will never fully forgive you for putting her in the position she now finds herself.

You must always assure yourself that there is nothing you could have done differently.  You did nothing you didn't agree to prior and with her consent that you now find her balking at.

If you can force yourself to remember and believe these things, not because they are not true - they are, but because your mind will screw with you as you move forward and make you question the above.  Don't let it.

If that's the case it sounds like the post knock up is here real self and her "old self" was a facade to lock you in financially. That's how this works.

If you have made up your mind and apparently you tried counseling.
Try and do it amicable just split everything down the middle one attorney. Sell the house and move out on the land you want. Why stay there? If you're
changing your life then do it!  Wasting the next 10 or more years being miserable is a bad choice.
Convince her this is the best thing for both of your bank accounts.

She 'has' but I wasn't able to attend.  She declared herself 'fine' a year and half ago and swears her psych said the same thing.  I don't believe it, since our group marriage counselor knows there are issues, but its not like I can do anything about it either.

What he said.

I don’t think you can buy her out as she will probably get half your savings too.

Sorry you are going through this Bro.
If it makes you feel any better, my ex makes your wife sound like Wife of the Year.

Bummer.  How about exercise?  Personally, I can't eat well unless I'm exercising.  

That's all I got.  I certainly am not ruling out the scenario where you have no choice but to pull the cord and bail out.  I do know that humans are very malleable creatures though and if you can figure out the source of your wife's "problem" there may yet be hope.