Op is a good friend and very brave. Best of luck with this.

Wow.  What the fuck.

I would tell my buddy.  I would wanna know if I was in his position.  As for the church, sure.  I wouldn't rely on them past that.  Especially if it concerns child sex abuse.

Often a friend exposing an ongoing affair to another friend that’s affected ends up being an ex friend.  I’d leave it in the hands of this minister’s bosses and hope they kick him out and leave him with no choice but to relocate a good distance away.

If that's the case the person isn't a friend to begin with.

It IS his business, it involves both the wife of his friend, and a leader of his church.  There is no ignoring it.

OP, tell your friend, and also warn him that you are obligated to go to the church leadership and demand church discipline regarding the "Pastor".  I don't know what all these people suggesting you blackmail the pastor are on about, other than being blatantly unethical pieces of crap.

OP is about to enter a world of shit.  Your buddy won't be your buddy if you don't tell him FIRST, even then if you involve anyone else in his business kiss that friendship goodbye.  

I advise against involving yourself in any way with church leaders regarding this matter.

Agreed.

Sounds like she was subject to something akin to "rape", just not "RAPE rape".  You know, the kind of thing that only becomes "rape" later when the regrets come in.........

Agree.  Small children are "emotionally fragile".  Adults are not.  That's not to say they don't play like they are......

I agree, but humans aren’t always logical when something emotionally difficult strikes close to home.  I pray I’m never put in this situation.

If you consider him a friend, you are obligated to tell him. Friends don't only have conversations that are comfortable.

I pray your friends aren’t…

He victimized your buddy's wife.  Give your friend all the details, don't leave him in the dark.

When I pray I’m not put in this situation, I’m also praying my friends aren’t either, smart ass.  You’re an expert at one dimensional thinking.

MYOB as it's a lose-lose.

You won't have your friend any longer because since you snitched you will only remind him of the infidelity when he sees you.

You will also be known as a snitch for the rest of your life and no body will confide in or trust you when you are found out and you will be.

Nobody likes a snitch and it follows you around too.

No shits given about some church, find another with more reputable people running it.

Uh huh

I'd tell my friend, and I'd report it to the church - making it clear that I had told buddy and that action would be required, including firing for cause.  Not allowed to resign.  Not given a good reference.  No smile and wave.

Yep 9 out of 10 times the friend who told gets the shit end o the stick

Hell no, the friend will have more respect for you because you came to him with a difficult situation and you stood by him through a horrible ordeal. That's a buddy for life. It's the best friends that  tell you the hard truths like when you're screwing up or being screwed over.

The bitch friends watch you fall or don't have your 6 and mind their own business because they don't have the moral fiber to call out a screwed up situation when they see one.

It's good that you're telling him.  Just don't let him do anything violent.

#1 - I'm assuming everything OP stated is the gospel truth - but I also understand there could be trolling, misunderstandings, etc.
#2 - I'm not an elder, his elder, etc.
#3 - Normally, I'm pro Matt 18, "go to the brother in sin first". However... this is a rather unusual and extreme case. If you discover a "brother" is a serial wife-beater you don't take time to try to peacefully work out repentance, while in the mean time the wife is getting regular beatings. There's others being harmed by this. And I'd say this is more at this level.
#4 - Whether I'd go to the Elders first or the buddy problem depends on the relative maturity and wisdom of them. If the elders are rock solid, I'd lean that way. If they are squishy yes men... .
#5 - Based on not a lot of details... I'd expect fireworks and personal attacks directed against you. It sounds like the pics have the potential to be interpreted as either heinous or innocent. If other evidence doesn't arise to corroborate your story (the wife fessing up, etc), then different people will land on the different ends of the spectrum - to some you will be a valiant hero, to others a man hell-bent on wrecking the reputation of a godly pastor, and a gossip, with a dirty mind to boot.
#6 - this could last a long, long time.
#7 - Seek the Lord every step of the way. Seek to do right no matter the consequences. I trust He will carry you through - though the other side might reveal a different set of friends and a different church landscape. But that's not your business to worry about - God only requires of you that you discharge YOUR duties.

As far as more concrete action items:
1. WRITE OUT EVERYTHING IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL. Where you were, where the car was, distances, actions seen, timeline, everything. It's fresh now. It won't be later. Talk to your wife about it all; she will ask you questions probably and help you think through how to capture the event. A hard record that is thorough, complete and lacking holes could be crucial later. I don't think I'd tell the buddy all these details - just enough of the facts in summary form that he doesn't have a false picture of what's going on.
2. Make backups of the pictures. Share them with a few trusted people. Few. Trusted. Or maybe just online, somewhere secret.
3. When you go to the elders, I'd say be ready to give them a copy of your "excruciating document" - and definitely give them the pictures.
4. The elders might totally botch this - i.e. "think of how this will hurt the church - we are trying to recover from Covid - etc". They might try to swear you to secrecy. DO NOT DO SO.
5. Do you have Deacons? They are your second line of defense if the elders mess this up or can't handle it on their own.
6. A public rebuke is your last line of appeal, and I'd be very, very wary of doing this without more evidence/witnesses.
7. Don't do any meetings one on one with anyone unless you absolutely trust them; even small groups can later misconstrue your words in a meeting - and now it's "They said - He said". Nasty place to be. Large groups is where it's at. And keep your words few and precise, if possible. This last rule(s) has a lot of complexity behind it and I hate not being able to caveat and explain everything in more detail. See #5 of the first set.

If you are that worried about that, you could always send him the pics and details anonymously.

I would tell him what you saw so that he does not minimize the situation.

I predict an epic thread.

Good on you for telling your buddy and going to the church. I can only imagine what your buddy will go through tonight. :(

Develops the photos. Anonymously mail them to your buddy, the church leadership and the Pastor’s wife.

You're not your buddy's friend if you don't tell him.

Was the minivan correctly parallel parked?

If he was fucking her after a baby, he might have been fucking her before the baby.

Have him get a DNA test.

Fitting profile picture!


OP, you are a good friend and good person.

Imma go with blackmail blowjobs. Dealers choice from who. I’d choose the chick but I’m not judging Op.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I come to GD to watch mouth breathers stumble over one another to prove that they are dumber than everyone else. It’s really quite amazing to watch.

When did post partum depression become a free ticket to become a cheating whore?

Does it work both ways?  If a dude is going through a hard time, he gets to go bang some strange and no harm no foul, right?

Breathtaking, really.

Definitely do this *before* he blows the lid on the situation. It will greatly effect his exit strategy (or lack of)

Really?

I predict a Safe Thread.

I'm skeptical of the OP.  Took pics and references "nasty" stuff but provides no detail?  Sure, sure.

Indeed.
The difference between good and nice is something people don't really grasp sometimes.

In for this particular shit show.

Agreed

Walmart apparently does still. I just happened to notice their after hours drop off box a couple days ago when I walked past the electronics department.

Hope your buddy doesnt "kill the messenger" so to speak ..

Yes, this.
It sucks, but if you’re going to get involved, do what’s needed.

Show him the pics, express your concerns, and tell him you’re meeting with leadership.

It’s a shit sandwich. But if you’re going to take a bite, expect it to taste shitty for a while.

We had something like this happen years ago. Worship leader gal (good looking too), was messing around with a group leader guy.

We knew them both. Thought they were ‘good Christians.’ Both had families, with teenaged kids.
They were best friend families. Vacationed together, kids did everything together, etc… even lived just houses apart.

What a shit show when it all came out. Ruined several of the kids. They left the church (of course).
They’re actually married now, have a kid of their own, but the damage was done.

They destroyed two good families for ‘strange.’
Literally six kids all fucked up. How self absorbed and needy do you have to be to choose that path????

I now despise them both. They’re fucking awful.

OST