Quoted:
It all started on a cool, damp, misty Thanksgiving eve.  I was at work running EMT conduit inside a ceiling above a local high-rise lobby when my cell phone came to life.  It was my wife, the message said "My grandma wants to bring *name withheld* over for a bit after she picks him up from school to hang out before church and have dinner."

My heart immediately sank.  Finally a day to come home from work and relax, looking forward to a much needed four day weekend, and now I have to deal with this shit.  "Really?  Kinda short notice don't you think?"  I replied.

"Yeah, that's what I said, but she wants to pick up that stupid green cart in the back yard."

Well right around this time some idiot doing demo sawed through a fire sprinkler pipe and the in-laws went to the wayside as I had about 100 yards of ceiling to crawl through with 12" of clearance before I could evacuate the building.  Finally 2:00 hits and its time to go home.  But wait, fuck, the in-laws...  "So should I expect company when I get home?"  I asked, waiting for the inevitable bad news.

But no!  Good news is right around my corner!  As I'm nearing the end of the parking lot I am graced with it!  "She got kind of pissy when I told her we didn't really want company till at least 5:00 and said she would just pick that cart up after church."  Fuckin' A!  Time to go home, shower, have a nice warm meal, and maybe some pound town?

Fast forward to after dinner and the wife is getting a little hot and bothered after hearing a few of my manly flatulents.  I was already in my usual dinner attire, naked, and my wife quickly joined me in my freedom.  Oral sex was began, which quickly lead to some good old missionary.  Which quickly lead to many, many other horrible, unthinkable acts of perverse, twisted sexual gratification.  Now mind you this is all taking place in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen, which has a glass sliding door to the fenced in back yard.  Standing anywhere on our patio or walking through the south gate of the back yard you can see right into the living room.

At one point in time, and I cannot for the life of me recall during which particular sex act this occurred during, I heard a car door and stopped what I was doing.  My wife quickly spurred me to continue, exclaiming, "It's just the neighbors, don't stop!"  Well much to the demise of my formerly positive relationship with my wife's grandmother I didn't stop.

After a good couple hours of fun it's time to get ready for church.  So we wash up and head out the door.  Grandma and BIL are sitting there.  Grandma looks rather sour(nothing out of place for her) and BIL has the biggest shit eating grin on his face.  We say high and before our conversation can carry further the service begins.  After church we proceed in an orderly fashion outside the service area.  My wife asks her grandma if she is coming over to pick up the stupid little cart thing she has that's a piece of shit but the old packrat bag just can't part with.  Grandma looks her dead in the eye and coldly replies "No, we already got it, and you really should have your blinds closed after dark."  She proceeded to about face and left the church with BIL in tow with nary a goodbye.  The green cart was located on the patio, on our picnic table, right in front of the sliding door.  Part of me felt completely devastated, the other, more active portion of my brain felt humored to the point of very loud laughter and visible tears running down my cheeks.  My wife, apparently, did not share in my humor.

Moral of the story?  If you don't want to see me kneeling between your naked granddaughters spread legs with an ice cube in one hand and a condom covered cucumber in the other STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY BACKYARD WHEN NOT INVITED.

Quoted:
It all started on a cool, damp, misty Thanksgiving eve.  I was at work running EMT conduit inside a ceiling above a local high-rise lobby when my cell phone came to life.  It was my wife, the message said "My grandma wants to bring *name withheld* over for a bit after she picks him up from school to hang out before church and have dinner."

My heart immediately sank.  Finally a day to come home from work and relax, looking forward to a much needed four day weekend, and now I have to deal with this shit.  "Really?  Kinda short notice don't you think?"  I replied.

"Yeah, that's what I said, but she wants to pick up that stupid green cart in the back yard."

Well right around this time some idiot doing demo sawed through a fire sprinkler pipe and the in-laws went to the wayside as I had about 100 yards of ceiling to crawl through with 12" of clearance before I could evacuate the building.  Finally 2:00 hits and its time to go home.  But wait, fuck, the in-laws...  "So should I expect company when I get home?"  I asked, waiting for the inevitable bad news.

But no!  Good news is right around my corner!  As I'm nearing the end of the parking lot I am graced with it!  "She got kind of pissy when I told her we didn't really want company till at least 5:00 and said she would just pick that cart up after church."  Fuckin' A!  Time to go home, shower, have a nice warm meal, and maybe some pound town?

Fast forward to after dinner and the wife is getting a little hot and bothered after hearing a few of my manly flatulents.  I was already in my usual dinner attire, naked, and my wife quickly joined me in my freedom.  Oral sex was began, which quickly lead to some good old missionary.  Which quickly lead to many, many other horrible, unthinkable acts of perverse, twisted sexual gratification.  Now mind you this is all taking place in the living room, which is connected to the kitchen, which has a glass sliding door to the fenced in back yard.  Standing anywhere on our patio or walking through the south gate of the back yard you can see right into the living room.

At one point in time, and I cannot for the life of me recall during which particular sex act this occurred during, I heard a car door and stopped what I was doing.  My wife quickly spurred me to continue, exclaiming, "It's just the neighbors, don't stop!"  Well much to the demise of my formerly positive relationship with my wife's grandmother I didn't stop.

After a good couple hours of fun it's time to get ready for church.  So we wash up and head out the door.  Grandma and BIL are sitting there.  Grandma looks rather sour(nothing out of place for her) and BIL has the biggest shit eating grin on his face.  We say high and before our conversation can carry further the service begins.  After church we proceed in an orderly fashion outside the service area.  My wife asks her grandma if she is coming over to pick up the stupid little cart thing she has that's a piece of shit but the old packrat bag just can't part with.  Grandma looks her dead in the eye and coldly replies "No, we already got it, and you really should have your blinds closed after dark."  She proceeded to about face and left the church with BIL in tow with nary a goodbye.  The green cart was located on the patio, on our picnic table, right in front of the sliding door.  Part of me felt completely devastated, the other, more active portion of my brain felt humored to the point of very loud laughter and visible tears running down my cheeks.  My wife, apparently, did not share in my humor.

Moral of the story?  If you don't want to see me kneeling between your naked granddaughters spread legs with an ice cube in one hand and a condom covered cucumber in the other STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY BACKYARD WHEN NOT INVITED.

Quoted:


We are newlyweds.  My understanding is it's a bit of a bell curve.