Another coupla jokes you might enjoy-- (Page 7 of 28)
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"Outhouse" Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ? |
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, says: "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, says: "Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"
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"Do not call attention to yourself and invite the man into your life" Bama-Shooter
Semper Fidelis 1970-1974
Semper Fidelis 1970-1974
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Don't know if it's been posted yet....But...
Double-Decker Bus A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver." |
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MARRIED LIFE - IT MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ' Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.... You know... they have frozen glasses.... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious.... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN S..T! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE F..K UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR F..KIN HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F..KIN BAR! THAT S..T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' and....they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? |
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Men brains and women's brains
Holy hell this was funny!! Had to share, happy Tuesday to all. A little over 10 minutes of belly laughs for all. Thanks to Ronnoc for sharing! 
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If you ever see a fat guy with a rifle and a cat carrier strapped to the top of a multicam Kifaru Zulu come sprinting past you in the post apolocalyptic wastelands, be sure to wave -Aimless
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Originally Posted By str8tshooter:
Men brains and women's brains Holy hell this was funny!! Had to share, happy Tuesday to all. A little over 10 minutes of belly laughs for all. Thanks to Ronnoc for sharing! Hilarious! Thanks for sharing! 
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You see a smile on my face, I see a devious plan coming together in my head.
Also, thanks for the membership!
Also, thanks for the membership!
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a
Tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HAND JOB: $1,000.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the Bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender Serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. Yes?' She inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, are you the young lady Who gives the hand-jobs?' Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.' The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.' |
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After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, 'Let me see if I've got this right:'
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.' You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. ' You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams. ' You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. ' You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you have the nerve to tell me..................**'I CAN'T PRAY?'** |
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Here is a link to a funny joke about Bengy and the Zipper told by a preacher.
Bengy and the Zipper |
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LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic. |
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds. |
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Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night.....Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'." "No way. You're on." The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse." "Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'" _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The parrot says, "from Kenya .... they're all over the place!" _______________________________________________________________________________________________ I was just thinking......... It seems that a great opportunity has been missed. With all of the Hope and Change people at the inauguration and the parades, we should have broken into their homes and gotten our shit back! |
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My wife said "whacha doin' today."
I said "nothin'." She said "you did that yesterday." I replied "I wasn't finished." ____________________________________________________________________________________ "Americans grew tired of being thought to be dumb by the rest of the world, so they went to the polls and removed all doubt." ____________________________________________________________________________________ "Darling, what would you do if i said I've won the lottery?" Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you." Guy says "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a five, now haul ass!" ____________________________________________________________________________________ Two farmers are asked what they'd do if they won $10 million in a lottery. First farmer says "I'd get rid of the farm and go fishing for the rest of my life." Second farmer says "I'd probably just keep on farming until the money ran out." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- A farmer, getting on in years, marries a young lusty girl. Soon the wife starts to get restless and acts fidgety. He begins to think his marriage may be in danger so he goes to a marriage counselor for help. The counselor advises the farmer the wife needs more physical attention, especially during the day. The farmer complains there's no way he can tell when she needs the attention because he's in the fields away from the house all day. So the counselor suggests when the farmer feels like he can physically satisfy her to take a shotgun out with him to the fields and pull the trigger and she'll come running. A month goes by and the doctor happens to run into the farmer. "How's it going?" he asks the farmer. The farmer replies "It was like a miracle the first week. Then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- The owner of the car was very concerned. He told the farmer "I didn't mean to do it, but I ran over your rooster and I'd like to replace him." The farmer replied " Well, go ahead. The hens are out back in the pen." –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Two neighboring farmers, Huckaby and Jones had been competing for years trying to one up the other. One day Huckaby tells his son to go over to Jone's place and borrow his crosscut saw. "Tell him I have to cut an onion in half" he tells his son. About two hours later the son comes home without the saw. "What happened?" Huckaby asks. His son says "Mr.Jone's says you can borrow the saw later today. But that right now he's halfway through his radish." –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A farmer bought a mare and when he got home he found out she was blind. Returning to the corral the next day he says to the seller "The mare I bought from you is blind". The horse dealer says "Yeah, I know." The farmer says" You never told me one word about it." The seller replied "The farmer I bought it from never told me either. I figured he wanted it to stay a secret." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Two farmers are talking about their mules one day. "My mule farts something awful." "Mine used to do the same thing. Mixed up some turpentine and kerosene and gave it to him." The next day they meet again. "I gave my mule that mixture and he dropped dead." "Yeah, same thing happened to mine." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- What fish makes the sweetest sandwiches? Jellyfish. (ba dah bump) ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- A Texas fisherman was bragging about the fish in his home state. Sick of hearing him, an Alaskan fisherman piped up and said he caught a fish that was fifteen inches. The Texan said "That's kind of puny." The Alaskan said "We measure our fish between the eye's." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Same Texan went to a different part of Alaska to continue his bragging. Ran into another Alaskan who told him: "It took me an hour to land my fish. But he was too small so me and the other three guys tossed him back." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Flying saucers are overflying the U.S. all the time. Their occupants want to talk to our responsible leaders.....but they can't find any. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A gambler bought a beautifully colored parrot at the shop one day. When he got it home the parrot broke out into a beautiful redition of Ave Maria. When Easter came along he dressed the parrot up in a special Easter suit with a wonderful bonnet. But at the church they wouldn't let him in. This is a service not a side show he was told. "But, the bird sings Ave Maria so beautifully, it isn't a side show kind of thing" said the gambler. So wagers were taken by the gambler with all the elders. And not one note did the parrot sing. The elders went away laughing and counting their winnings. On the way home the bird stated to hum, then broke into song. The gambler says to the bird "Now you sing? Now!? You've shamed me before the whole town. Worse still, you cost me a fortune!" The bird looks at the gambler and says "Don't take it too hard, think of the odds we'll get at Christmas." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Did you hear about the obama guy with connections? He got a contract to build the bridge at the end of the town. Another one of his companies is supposed to put the river in next year. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– You heard about the young mob kid? He decided to follow in his father's fingerprints. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A woman slipped on a throw rug and fell out of the window falling into a trash can. A Frenchman happened to be walking along and thought "These damn American's are so extravagant, she looks good enough for another year." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- At an evening mass one day a gay guy walked into the church. Seeing one of the richly clad priests waking down the aisle with an incense burner swinging with it's pleasant aroma wafting among the parishoner's, the gay guy called out: "The outfit's a stunner sugar, but your purse is on fire." ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- I was out playing golf this morning. I missed a hole in one by only eight strokes! ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- I bought a dozen golf balls today. The clerk asked if I wanted them bagged up. I told him no, I'd drive them home. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– So explain it to me again. Our government spends sixty billion on nuclear weapons and outlaws firecrackers? |
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If only I'd invested in taxes years ago I'd be a rich man.
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– The IRS has finally put poverty in reach for all Americans! ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Did you ever hear of the Indian chief named Running Water? Had two son's named Hot and Cold. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Walking along with his squaw an Indian chief sees a huge plume of smoke from a forest fire. "Boy", said the chief to his squaw "I wish I'd said that." –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Did you know it took Alexander Graham Bell twenty years to invent the phone? Only took his wife three minutes to invent the busy signal. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A sociologist from France went to Italy to study the longevity of the Italian lover. Heading to Milan, he saw a man in black pants and white shirt working in a field. Deciding to stop and do a little survey he asked teh man about his sexual activities. The man said in broken French "I have sex maybe fifteen times every year." The sociologist said "Hmm, that's not too much." The Italian replied "Well, I think it isn't so bad for a priest without a car!" ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- The condemned prisoner was asked for his last meal request. He asked for watermelon. The warden turned him down "season's over for them." Prisoner responded "I'll wait". –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A man on vacation lost his wallet at a restaurant one day. Thinking quickly, he got on the P.A. system and announced " I'll give one hundred dollars to the person returning my money and wallet." The guy who was sitting next to him at the time grabbed the mike of the P.A. and shouted out "I'll pay two hundred and toss in a free dinner!" ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- The waitress stared at the actor. Finally she asked "Have I seen you before?" The actor said "You might have seen me in the movies." The waitress replied "It's possible. Where do you like to sit?" –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– |
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Ole, had a car accident... In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer." Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"? Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other.. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?'' "Now vat the hell vould YOU say?" |
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THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers...
Slowly and in Order!! Be Careful not to MISS ANY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Scroll down ..................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's It's so easy to amuse old people. |
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In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?' Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the United States |
Magically Delicious! Galadriel of the Night Crew
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On Saturday afternoon, Dave was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at him, "You should be hung!"
He took a drink from his bottle of Shiner, wiped the cold foam from his lips, lifted his darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosey ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass." |
*Naughty by Nature*
Proud Daughter of the Cherokee Nation
No, my legs aren't really this wide.
www.gotxsg.com
Proud Daughter of the Cherokee Nation
No, my legs aren't really this wide.
www.gotxsg.com
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The economy is sooooo bad . . .
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings McDonalds is selling the 1/4 - ouncer. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?” Motel Six wont leave the light on. The Mafia is laying off judges. |
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On a crisp clear January morning, I sat at my television, as did millions of other Americans; and watched as our
government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I felt pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his Oath of office. That pride quickly vanished, as I watched 21 Marines, in full dress uniform fire a 21 gun salute. It was then that I realized how much America 's Military had deteriorated... Every last one of them missed! |
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DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? |
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Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!" They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?" Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the Janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?!" They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopailians." |
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
On a crisp clear January morning, I sat at my television, as did millions of other Americans; and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I felt pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his Oath of office. That pride quickly vanished, as I watched 21 Marines, in full dress uniform fire a 21 gun salute. It was then that I realized how much America 's Military had deteriorated... Every last one of them missed! 
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The world will look up & shout "save us". And I'll whisper "no".
Don't ask if you don't really want the answer...
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Do you know me?
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial––a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands. 
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I have forgotten twice.~Deej86
Kick your father in the balls and slap your mother in the face, they have failed as parents~3rdpig
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia
Kick your father in the balls and slap your mother in the face, they have failed as parents~3rdpig
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia
Don't ask if you don't really want the answer...
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Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like..... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. Men are like..... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. Men are like..... Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs
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I have forgotten twice.~Deej86
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) 'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks! |
Don't ask if you don't really want the answer...
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tbk1 you owe me a monitor!
An awful old joke... THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it. There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump up and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch. There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump up, the bear would swipe and come out into plain view. There was a mouse eying the hunters sandwich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump up, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwich. There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter to shoot the bear and the mouse to go for the sandwich. So the fly drop six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwich. The blast from the gun startled the cat which jumped into the rive. The moral of the story is.... When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet. 
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I have forgotten twice.~Deej86
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia
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It was once said that a black man would only become president when pigs fly...and 100 days into Obama's presidency...Swine Flu...
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-Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G.I. ~ One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
-One good shoot by a citizen can clear up more open cases than a week of detective work!
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One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs.... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. |
"Individuals with no experience never realize what experience really is until they are experienced. And the experienced don't realize what it is until they come up against someone with more." GWL
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Originally Posted By thebeekeeper1:
Not a joke––kinda sad: Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Unfortunately, this one actually happened to me 
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Originally Posted By 15jonshoot:
Bump to keep TBK1 great joke thread up front––-great input + alot of laffs! yea, LAFFS! Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. And recovery is when obama loses his job.
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<img src=/images/smilies/anim_bounce.gif border=0 align=middle> its me again,and I will neither confirm or deny I have anything to say.<img src=/images/smilies/anim_bounce.gif border=0 align=middle>
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable..
A Woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?"exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh,really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hair?" |
Don't ask if you don't really want the answer...
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Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" |
I have forgotten twice.~Deej86
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~Reinforcement Unit
Proud Member of Ranstad's Militia~Reinforcement Unit
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Girlie Wisdom! 1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs. 3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does. 6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. 7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today... 8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. 9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'... 10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes! 11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat! 12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. 13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day! |
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!" |
I can't remember if this has already been posted or not. If so––sorry. 
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right." The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH |