Nothing has happened yet.  Chugged 10 fluid ounces at once.

Wear a robe, no drawers.

Kharn

STAND THE FUCK  BY!!

If nothings happened after 4 hours your bowels are 100% clogged with AIDS or this post is bullshit.

I've drank a whole bottle before. That was 24 hours of shitting that's scarred me for life.

Poop thread

For explosive dumps!!!

Well... to be fair the back of the bottle says it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours to work... Ugh.  I have a feeling its gonna hit hard all at once.

You may need to see a doctor op... are you at least peeing?

Pro Tip - Flushable wipes are not flushable...

Drink more water.

He will be peeing from his ass shortly. May as well just sleep in the shower.

Here you go

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate?

I'm glad you asked...

12:05 pm:
It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a wimp in front of your older brother's friends. It's supposed to be lemon flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.


12:06 pm:
You down a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.


12:37 pm:
First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted poop in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.


12:57 pm:
That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to God there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...


12:58 pm:
Sweet Mary,...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poop/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid poop fart as it gurgled out of your butt.


1:06 pm- 8:30 pm:
Everything's a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

You're now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times.

You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.


8:37 pm:
Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.

You're broken.

Your butthole's broken.

Your spirit's broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a poop stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.

Pissed clear a few times in the last 4 hours... Am I not supposed to be drinking a lot of water?  Because I have been

Don't sneeze

Hopefully you've already fashioned attachments for a Simpson Racing five point harness to your toilet.  It's too late now.  Just remember to wear your helmet and flush every few detonations.  

You're about to see stuff you ate in grade school.  

If you don’t have wet wipes, you fucked up royally.

Watch the Jeff Foxworthy explanation of what happened when he did.

Marine speaks the truth

Edit: Don't even think about bailing on us, OP. You started this thread and you need to see it the fuck through. Keep posting!

Might need the wife to make a run to the store... all I have is TP.  I feel like I'm preparing for the apocalypse

Make sure you don't take a sleeping pill before you go to bed.

That's going to be a shit show!

Attached File

Colonoscopy? IIRC you need to drink a bunch of water or two 32 Oz sports drinks when I did mine.  It wasn’t bad, I felt good and cleaned out. I had a colonoscopy when I turned 50 or 55.

Truth right here

Is that a rumble in your stomach?

Your wishing something will happen, soon you'll be  wishing it'll stop.
PS, never ever trust a fart.
Started  mine a week ago at 6 pm,  3:30am was  last call.

Good advice!

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...

I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.

In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, like what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no fucking toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.

Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

I haven't laughed that hard in decades.

BTDT. It never fails. The end is near when only hot water runs out your ass.

I went till 4:30 am last time............thought I was going to cancel the camera

Don't trust the fart.

Did you drink water with???

That robe better be shorter than an 80s half shirt...

I accidentally ordered some magnesium citrate pills thinking they were just magnesium. It didn't take long to figure out they weren't plain magnesium! They work fast. One pill, 30 minutes later, its on like donkey kong!

In before OP loses his drain plug

I made the same mistake a few years ago.  I slept in the shower for a good part of the night.  Toilet paper felt like 80-grit sandpaper after 2 hours.  I celebrated a few days later when I finally had solid shits again.

10/10. Would recommend to an enemy.

Poop thread!

"The Sparkling Laxative"

I took it once. 12 years ago. I remember it vividly.

Brown Bowl Standing by

And then?

I wonder how well this would work as a counter strike on a large invading enemy force. Have some Tier 1 guys sneak over and taint their water supply or something with a nuclear powered laxatives.

You should have bought a bidet before embarking on this journey

I did one on New Year's Eve to get rid of off the 2021 funk. I stayed at home all day.  You end up peeing out of your butt.  It was 36 hours before I had a solid.


CHRIS

Do you have any pets?  If so, prepare your worst case contingency plans.

If given a choice between wiping with the cat or wiping with the dog, pick the cat.  They're self-cleaning.

OP, you'd better not leave us hanging on this. We expect updates!

I thought we weren't supposed to do poop threads any more?

The thing that scares me about colonoscopy prep?    There is a time at which the rain ceases, the flood waters begin to recede, the dove flies back to Noah, etc.  And you feel that all in all, you will be able to make the drive to the place of execution, uh, examination  Then you swap clothes, hand off your belongings to the wife, chat with the nurses a bit, watch other gurneys go in and out and hear some odd conversations.  And then waking up and they tell you, not prepped well enough, got to do it again and this time they'll use the more effective and even less pleasant mix....

He doesn't have a smartphone and forgot to set up the PC in the head. We won't hear from him until tomorrow sometime.