You are carrying a very difficult burden, sir. I'm glad you have time with your kids. Hopefully there will be a better day ahead for you - sooner rather than later.
You and your children are in my prayers, OP.

Hey everyone,
@jim-analog reached out to me just wanted to pop in here and update the situation a bit.
I'm hanging in there, although the past 2 days have been "meh". It's funny somehow I've convinced myself to hang in there a bit more. When I talked to Jim, I started to feel like shit again because I realized not a whole lot has changed, lol. And then I thought I shouldn't think that way because a lot of things have change and the unit of measure seems to play a role sometimes. I think that firstly we can't underestimate how powerful it can be to have a better outlook. It's a bit cliche and we all know it but we need to be reminded. I'm a big fan of Peterson and one of the things he often talks about is physically our vision blurs on what we don't focus on, so if our bodies physically blur out what we're not focused on you can only image the power of the mind. And this isn't so much of a hippie energy crystal healing thing as more of it is a scientific thing. Focus is important we can't possibly focus both on the positives and the negatives. I'm not saying we have to be a cheerleader or not fix the negatives but we have to be careful of the thoughts we feed our mind. Jung talked about this too, our subconscious can literally manifest our lives.

Anyways for me, IT job market is still terrible, political state of the country is terrible, economically speaking we're fucked, the last date I went on the chick called me a "colonizer", jobs still give me the run around despite being more talented than most of their engineers. (I had a engineer at a company reach out to me to finish is work because he couldn't figure it out.......and yet he's working full time and no one wants to hire me, lol).

But been reading the Bible more and more. I've been exploring Christianity for a minute now and with the olympics and everything I was just sort of like "eh...I don't like this one bit. At very least it's strange" Few days back I ordered a bible. Never had one before in my life.

I had a fantastic opportunity offered to me. Not making money just yet in fact spending more, lol. But the stars sort of aligned and just thought I'd be an idiot not to jump on this one. So going to keep bugging HR recruiters until one of them either gives me a job or files a restraining order (jk), keep chipping away at this new opportunity and just seeing what can happen.

Pic haven't been out in ages. Buddy got a new stock for his Tikka T3. World of difference. Shot last night right as the sun was setting.
Attached File

Dolor, as crazy as it sounds just ask God to show you what you need to see, what you need to understand in that Bible. I grew up in church and have been a Christian my whole life, but when I hit rock bottom a couple years ago and cried out, He answered. The skies didn't part or anything like that, but my mind was changed -my perspective changed- things weren't as bad as I thought they were after all, and I made it through.
If it weren't for Jesus I would not be here typing this today, that's for sure.

My friend killed himself a few days ago. He was an older dude. His daughter died a few years ago from alcohol overdose. He was also an alcoholic, and quit drinking partly because of her death. He was never happy after he quit drinking. Was miserable, had insomnia, watched CNN obsessively.    He had been going slowly downhill for a while but a few days ago his girlfriend found him on the patio with his brains blown out.  

I think he just couldn't handle sobriety..  It just bugs me that he didn't ask any one for help. Or drop any hints that he was thinking about suicide.  He was a really good guy, and Stan you will be missed.

Anyways I don't personally need any help I just needed a place to vent and didn't want to make a new thread over my insignificant troubles. Suicide of a good friend always makes a person re evaluate what really matters and what is just noise.

I can't think of a more appropriate place to vent.  I heard something recently to the effect that "the shorter the time horizon the bigger the problem seems.  Over a longer time period the problem decreases in terms of impact and ultimate importance."  

Sorry about your friend.  

.  

I got a lot on my mind these days, for too long now.

I lost my dream job of over 20 years due to a medical injury in 2022.  Ever since it’s been one thing after another.  I’ve tried to rebuild myself several times and I keep losing.  

I’ve talked to counselors, I’ve done ketamine Infusion therapy, I’ve prayed, I’ve talked to my wife.  They want me to try SSRI’s.  I don’t want to do that.  I feel like I’m losing my mind.  I feel like life is passing me by.  I’m so lost right now, I don’t know which way is up.  

There’s more to type but I don’t know how to put it into words right now.  

Keep your chin up brother.  It will get better.  Sorry you are in this situation.

Sorry to hear about that - sad all around. Each of our own battles are not insignificant. This is indeed a good place to vent. I don't post on this thread because I have trouble expressing to others, but I read them all and admire being able to put those battles out there.

Man, having a real bad time right now.   Wife of 30 years, died a year and a month ago.  Been trying to draw closer to Jesus and God since then. Praying for more faith and wisdom the whole time.   things have happend that I can't explain away solidifyng my belief that is real. The Father, Jesus and The Holy Spirit.   Begain praying for ability to trust in God with all my heart.  Progress made.   I still have areas of sin in my life that I can't get past and it has crushed me.  Lust for women.  And things associated with it.  

I was diagnosed with major depression back in 1987 or 1988.   My mom killed herself in 1989.  Before that I'd had a cousin that killed herself in 1977.  Then finally my first cousins daughter killed herself in 2005.  All on the same side of the family.   I've delt with suicidal thoughts since 1987, really most of my life but got very bad in 1987 or so.

I've spent the last two days begging for God to take me out off here.  But not to just go to Heaven.  I don't want to exist. I don't want to have an afterlife. I just want to instantly cease to exist immediately with no more suffering.  But I don't believe that wish will be granted.  And so I'm stuck feeling that if I off myself I'll go to hell. No option but to stay here and keep suffering.  And it gets so bad.  I've spent the last two days in bed trying to sleep to just avoid suffering. Would wake up every so often and pee, read a little afrcom and go back to bed.   I finally got up this morning and got a shower hoping to feel better.   I got out of the shower determined to start getting rid of my wife's clothers and stuff and start finally trying to move forward.  Thought I better eat first.  Pulled a couple of hot dogs out off the package and they felt slimey.  Tossed them, they were kind off old.  Found a frozzen dinner and heated that up.   Got back to the PC with it and one of the cats wanted something else to eat and was pestering me (even though I'd fed it just a little bit ago).  FFed it something else.  Sat down at the PC and my elbow knocked my heated up meal on to my lap and the floor.  Cried and begged God to please end me now.  

Put some thicke sliced bacon on a tray and put it in the oven.   Set a timer.   Went back to PC.  A 2nd of my 3 cats came in to pester me.  Yelled at it and felt terrible.   Closed the door to stop them from coming in and pestering me.  Forgot about the bacon.  

Got on a web chat with Boost Mobile because someone hijacked my phone and took my Boost phone number two days ago (part of the reason I had taken to bed for 2 days.)  I have a Samsung A71 phone thtat I've had with Boost for several years.  Same SIM car same phone, same phone number.   I finally got to someone via phone, yesterday that seemed to understand the problem and is sending me new SIM card.  Meanwhile someone else is using my phone number and doing who knows what. I can't make or receive phone calls or text on my Samsung phone.  

All this crap started the other night.  I was watching the movie RED (hadn't seen it in several years).  Got a text saying someone accessed my xfinity email account.   I checked and it was an IP address I didn't recognize, plus I'd been watching a movie and hadn't been on it.   CHanged passwords several times.  The first IP showed London using WHOIS.  But then other US accounts started accessing my xfinity account.  

When trying to get in touch with Boost a bit ago, they'd send a code to my xfinity email then each time I'd try to long in it's say the code wasn't valid.  Finally I was real fast and got in. Got on chat and to to try to get them to just cut the other phone off and disable my phone until I received a sim card.  They treated me like the hacker.  

No resolution so got off and opened the door to go get something to eat.  That's when I heard the oven alarm and realized smoke was in the house.  Bacon was burnt.   I really wannted a bacon and tomatto sanndwich.   I have some mor bacon and will try again.   But just need to vent.  I'm just so tired.

From what I've read and heard lately, trying to draw closer to Jesus and God will be met with resistance.  I haven't been able to read my Bible hardly any and I feel so distracted if I try.  I feel cutoff from God and right now I only have one humam being I can talk to via email and one who I think is mad at me.   I don't want to burden either.  So I'm here to vent.   I wish I'd never been created.  I'm glad I never had children. I'd never want anyone to feel like I do.

I'm so tired of suffering and seeing other people and animals suffer.   And I'm starting to understand that's the way it's going to be as I  try to "take up my cross and follow Jesus".   It feels like end times to me with all the evil things going on in the world.   I've asked myself for several years how can people not see that the left, media and so many others are lying.   I saw something about God will send them a strong delusion so that they would believe the lies of the devil.  The delusion would be for people who rejected Jesus I think.   ANd that would explain how so many people seem so fooled by things that seem so obvious to be lies.

I haven't taken any medication in two days, so I need try to focus on filling my pill strips and take those meds.  Only one is for depression though.   Usually takes several days without to show any difference but I need to take them all.  The Bible says, when we are weak He is strong.  I need prayers.  I don't really know how anyone else can help me.  Except being able to come here helps.   I'm sorry I'm such a mess.  I'm just so alone without my wife.  And I recently came to the conclusion that I haven't just been very shy my whole life and had a hard time talking to people.  I think I've had some form of autisim they whole time.   I looked autism up a few years ago and thought that I met lots of the symptoms but lots I didn't meet.  It wasn't until my wife's nurse practitioner started doing my meds and continued to check on me after my wife passed.  She was coming by once a month.  Got to talking and she has 3 kids.  Her oldes is 17 and has ausim.   At some point during one of her visits she mentioned something about me maybe having it.  I told her I'd looked it up because I knew that something has always been wrong with me but I just thoughtt it was shyness.  Very bad shyness.  She recognized me has being like her son in many ways.  I'm 62 and told her I thought it was too late to do anything about it and she nodded yes.  My life has been so screwed up for so long.

I was an electronics enginner for the Navy for 25 years.  My boss for some reason took a liking to me and made me a project engineer.   I was having to go to DC and lots of Navy and Marine bases for tech stuff but also for doing presentations for big wigs and officers and sujch.   I was not cut out for it but did do really good some times.   I kept tellin him "no pain no gain"  but I think it broke me.  He was a good guy.  He'd been a Naval Lt. He was a Blackbelt. We traveled together, fished here in Florida lots of weekends.  This was back from 1985 to 1989.  

If it is near the end times it's one of the times in history I never wanted to be in.   Christians will be persecuted badly.  It's all ready started they way Christians are treated. Also many will fall away when the persecution starts.  If I can't get past my sins of lust, how will I ever be able to get past the persecution without falling away.   It makes me feel like I was only created to go to Hell right from the begining.  

My dad passed away at age 64, back in 2004.  I held his hand while he died.  His dad passed away at age 65.   I'll be 63 in October.   I hope I'll go soon of natural causes.  I went in the hospital for the 1st time in my life a week or so after my wife passed and then 3 weeks later.  First time was for an infection and I'd come here to ARFCOM for advice about going to the hospital.  You guys told me to go to the hospital and were right.  The 2nd time I had to call an ambulance for myself.  My hemoglobin was down to 5.1, my head was sweating profusely and I could barely make it back to bed and to call 911.  I wish right now I'd never called 911.  I think I would have been gone then.  
I'm sorry to be posting this.  I'm just so alone.  I feel cut off from God right now.  Part of me knows somehow I'm not, but I just can'tt feel it. I can't read my Bible. I've no where else to go.   I'm just stuck here suffering and not a thing I can do about it but endure because the alternative seems unimaniganable horror.   And wondering if my family that killed themselves is in Heaven or hell.  They were all Christians.  I wonder if my wife is in Heaven as some of her last talk was of God not answering her prayers and such.  That has caused me so much hurt wondering. And trying to tust in God with ALL my heart.  I just feel like I'm under some kind of attack from the devil or something.  There is nothing I can do but keep holding on and I've been doing it for years and years.  And I will keep on.  There's no choice.

And just like that. I get off ARFCOM to get my medicine ready and a cat shows up on que to distract me.

Fed the cat.  He turned his nose up at it.

Just took my depression meds.   Will take the other after I eat.  Gonna try bacon tomato sandwich again.

First attempt at bacon earlier:
I'll stay by the oven this time.

I am so screwed right now.  Just checked my hotmail account.

Handheld device icon1 hour agoUnsuccessful sign-inUnited Arab Emirates
Handheld device icon4 hours agoUnsuccessful sign-inTurkey
Unknown device icon5 hours agoUnsuccessful sign-inBrazil
Handheld device icon7 hours agoUnsuccessful sign-inBahrain
Unknown device icon8 hours agoUnsuccessful sign-inNigeria
Unknown device icon9 hours agoUnsuccessful sign-inBrazil
Handheld device iconYesterday 11:35 PMUnsuccessful sign-inBelarus
Handheld device iconYesterday 11:31 PMUnsuccessful sign-inMexico
Computer iconYesterday 7:30 PMUnsuccessful sign-inUnited States
Handheld device iconYesterday 3:03 PMUnsuccessful sign-inUnited States
Handheld device iconYesterday 2:58 PMUnsuccessful sign-inIndia
Unknown device iconYesterday 10:37 AMUnsuccessful sign-inMalaysia
Unknown device icon8/17/2024 9:01 PMUnsuccessful sign-inLatvia
Computer icon8/17/2024 5:31 PMUnsuccessful sign-inGermany
Handheld device icon8/17/2024 2:43 PMUnsuccessful sign-inBrazil
Handheld device icon8/17/2024 2:21 PMUnsuccessful sign-inIndonesia
Handheld device icon8/17/2024 12:00 PMUnsuccessful sign-inKazakhstan
Handheld device icon8/17/2024 9:49 AMUnsuccessful sign-inCanada
Handheld device icon8/17/2024 9:38 AMUnsuccessful sign-inItaly


Was going to go change the password there and saw recent sign in attempst.   I am just not in the right frame of mind to even handle all this.  

My xfinity account:

Recent Sign-in Activity
View your recent activity from the last 30 days. If you see something unusual, you can always change your password.

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Your cat probably senses that something is wrong. I'm not sure if they are attuned to that the way dogs are, but I suppose it is possible.

That's a lot to deal with. I think that you're doing the right thing regarding your faith. It is probably always going to be a struggle, but that might very well be the point. If it wasn't something that you have to constantly nurture, it might not have been genuine in the first place. A real plant needs sunlight, water, and nutrients. Not only that, it needs the right amounts of each on a continual basis. Neglect that and it dies. Keep at it and it thrives. A plastic plant looks nice at a distance, and stays looking nice without maintenance, but up close you can see that it is just some fake thing.

Depression isn't something to play around with. If the medication was working before but it isn't now, you should speak with your doctor about it and try to get things adjusted. If it isn't given a chance to work because of inconsistent intake, you need to work on that. I know that depression has a way of feeling like it will never end, and that it will never get better. That's the depression monster talking. Ignore and fucker and fight your way out of its grasp.

The account hacking is a separate battle. I'd focus on locking down the financial stuff right away, then chip away at the other stuff later. Do it from a different device if possible, or better yet, in person at your bank.

I once saw a video that stated, never mistake a bad day, week, month, year as a bad life. Don’t ever get depressed over a woman that didn’t want you or for not having money. Start grinding and get to it.

Keep your chin u p!

I lost my job of 18 years this past December as a corporate security investigator with a utility company.......the only person in my department to lose their job due to lack of work......only there isn't a lack of work. There were people with less time than me who got to stay. I have to admit I was pretty bitter for a long time as I felt the two new supervisors screwed me over big time.

Nothing in my field at all anywhere, and I can't relocate due to the wife's job. So I took a lower paying school security job to go a long with my retirement pension I am receiving. It's hard some days when I think about it, and I have caught myself hating those two bosses with a burning passion, but time has lessened it for me. There are times I feel like I am spinning my wheels but I am healthy and able to work so onward I go

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Honestly SSRIs have their place as part of a holistic approach to mental health, a tool that should be considered with the others , therapy, exercise, diet etc. Prozac helped pull me out of a deep suicidal depression. After I was out of it the side effects weren’t worth it in the equation and I tapered off it. Don’t think they should be a lifetime drug if you aren’t a chronic depression case. They have their share of fair criticisms but are overly demonized in places like this. The big study that came out a few years ago everyone was in an uproar about just demonstrated the long held theory of their mechanism of action was wrong, not that they were useless (they are still more effective than placebo). They are just unsure how they work in the brain. They are just another tool to possibly try to help end the suffering that is depression.