Posted: 10/10/2025 8:17:49 PM EDT
| I'm almost 53. I spent 8 years in The Corps, 2 years in Scout Snipers. 2 adolescent kids. I'll have been in fire/ems 6 years this December and I have been fortunate enough to avoid THE call no first responder wants to go on - pediatric code. Caught my first this morning at 1100, 5 month old down/unresponsive. I feel fucking empty man, numb AF. I worked it and from the time the call came out, I wasn't so much as nervous for a second (always scared the shit out of me before today). I've been shot at, run codes, had witnessed arrests, rat-fuct MVA's and it seems I am always good to go when things go AFU (thanks 2/5 SSP for making me grind through everything) so I did my part to a tee but as soon as I handed the baby over to the attending at the ED, I started to hyperventilate and I felt myself coming unglued, so I searched for a place in the hospital and clambered for my phone, frantically calling my wife. I just melted down... blubbered my way through it and when I hung up and made my way back to the ED, it was just so quiet, no one seemed to be there. Stark. The emotions have just hit me in waves. I am thankful to God I am 6+ years sober, because I know that will help see me through this but fuck me running I don't know quite how to process where I am right now. Dude. Tha fuck, over? |
f that noise...
| Does your department have a chaplain or a peer support network? My first pediatric code I ran sucked as they all do but we had a chaplain come in next shift to talk with us and we also heard back from the ER that the child had thrown a clot and there was no saving her. Time is really the best way to heal. |
| We're an UBER rural dept here, not at all like the support I got when I was on a truck in WA. But, to be fair, the chief showed up and apologized for not being there (incident occurred less than a 1/4 mile from his house) and brought the town mayor/deacon to talk to us. It was a very thoughtful gesture to be sure and said a lot about the chiefs' character. I appreciated it a lot, but yeah, time man... time. |
f that noise...
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You’re already doing the right things. You recognize that you did everything you could. You let it out. You went to your support. You’re talking about it. You’re having perfectly normal reactions. And I’m sure you’re grateful for everything you have. Stay sober. Maybe it’s a good time to reconnect with your sponsor if it’s been a while. Talk to your wife, maybe even your kids if they’re strong. Avail yourself of any grief counseling. And recognize that your coworkers are probably feeling the same. Talk to them, they may not be coping as well as you and you’ll be helping them. |
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Unfortunately I've been there too. Take comfort in knowing you did what you thought best in the moment and don't second guess yourself. I have the luxury of working in an area with an extensive amount of medical facilities that are very well funded and have quite literally some of the worlds best at what they do. One of those is a cardiologist and he is associated with family and coworkers. He was kind enough to share the medical perspective of these situations with me early on, and when it comes to sudden death from heat failure in infants through adults, it really can and does come down to there's times when the brain's ability to keep the heart going just stops working and can't be repaired even if you are standing by with everything you could want with an open Op Room and all the specialists surgeons and equipment ready. He spoke of a few instances that unfolded in the major hospital he worked for that has all of that available and still had the same outcome. I share all that to say, don't blame yourself. Find the family and friends that are important to you and share your true appreciation for having them in your life and tell them that this incident gave you a solid reminder to be thankful for what you have. Edit to add... sorry for the typos |
| You are doing the right thing reaching out and engaging with people getting it out, that is part of the healing. Don't consciously replay it in your head, that's no good. They say to stay away from alcohol and drugs in your EMS books, proper sleep and exercise. Talk to fellow FF/EMS to get it off your chest. Fu@k the what if's & if only's that won't help or change a thing. God give me strength in my time of need. He is always there for us. Be strong brother. |
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Call your area VSP office and ask for a CISM rep to call you. Or call the VSP Division HQ in your area. |
"F*ck it I'm done. Nothing to say other than I'm done giving a f*ck." - xerxes2695 - 1-6-2021 - 1849hrs.
“If you live here and your allegiance is to another nation, you are an enemy.” - C10 - 6-7-25 - 1816hrs
“If you live here and your allegiance is to another nation, you are an enemy.” - C10 - 6-7-25 - 1816hrs
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Originally Posted By Deny_Everything: Yeah, pediatric codes are just awful. I highly do not recommend hitting the bottle. The only thing I'll be hitting is the heavy bag when I get off shift in the morning and go to the gym for a boxing workout... |
f that noise...
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Originally Posted By MK19: We're an UBER rural dept here, not at all like the support I got when I was on a truck in WA. But, to be fair, the chief showed up and apologized for not being there (incident occurred less than a 1/4 mile from his house) and brought the town mayor/deacon to talk to us. It was a very thoughtful gesture to be sure and said a lot about the chiefs' character. I appreciated it a lot, but yeah, time man... time. I did two pedi codes here inside of 8 months, teenagers count because the parents are still watching you and it flat out sucks. We do have a support system here in NH and it still sucks. Wife works at a school where one went and so it was a whole family affair. Talk to someone, 988 works as a start. Hopefully your work has an Employee support program, hell send me a pm if you need to. I am not a counselor but have been through it. Welcome to a shitty club. Virginia does seem to have some state level services from a quick google. https://www.vfrss.org/treatment |
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EE: 100% (31)
TX, USA
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Originally Posted By benjam8291: Peds codes and traumas are horrific. Being in the zone of a world class pediatric hospital makes it even worse. They were bad before I had kids but unbearable after I had kids. Get some help and use the resources that are available to you!!!! This. I was able (eventually) able to deal with seeing young servicemen dead/horribly wounded but the kids were a different level and still haunt me. I self medicated with alcohol after a rough deployment and fortunately my wife stood by me while I got my shit together. Lean on those around you brother and God Bless you for not only what you do, but for caring so deeply for those in your care. |
When your state is shaped like a huge, droopy penis, you have to expect there to be some huge nuts as well.
Mech 2007
Mech 2007
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Rough times indeed. Had so many little kids get run over playing in the street, or in a parking lot, it was ridiculous. Then there were the kids just walking on the sidewalk…. Once rolled up just seconds after a drunk hit and rolled another vehicle, ejecting a baby from veh #2. That was frantic until the baby was found, injured but alive. I came damn close to quitting crash investigations after 3 teens were killed in a single vehicle crash, but realized that someone has to do it. Driver was speeding, but not drinking, there was a smashed case of beer and broken perfume bottle in a purse. To this day the smell of perfume and beer together immediately takes me back to that scene, probably always will. All I can say is someone does have to do it, and if you are like me you do your job as a calling, not as just a job to make money. It will get better eventually, but don’t be afraid to get help if it feels like it isn’t. |
a loaded gun won’t set you free, so you say…
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Thanks to everyone for your kind words and introspection. Originally Posted By Wangstang: @OP You good? Eh, slept like shit and still feel just, off. Still kinda numb, vasciallated from okay to tears on and off yesterday and again this morning. My wife noted that this event triggered an old medical event when I was the stay at home for our son where, at about 18-24 mos old he got into his grandpa's nitro and I rode that call (parent, wasn't an EMT yet) and the stress and trauma of that event came flooding back to me on this call. Good old fashioned PTSD. But, I am talking through it to close friends (ER doc, State Police/DCS, etc) and they are all a tremendous help, as is everyone here. |
f that noise...
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You feel shitty because you’re a good person with a heart. These things don’t go away but you get through it. Talk about it more and dream about it less. If it ever stops bothering you, that’s when you know you’re fucked and need to get some real, long term help. |
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Originally Posted By MK19: Thanks to everyone for your kind words and introspection. Eh, slept like shit and still feel just, off. Still kinda numb, vasciallated from okay to tears on and off yesterday and again this morning. My wife noted that this event triggered an old medical event when I was the stay at home for our son where, at about 18-24 mos old he got into his grandpa's nitro and I rode that call (parent, wasn't an EMT yet) and the stress and trauma of that event came flooding back to me on this call. Good old fashioned PTSD. But, I am talking through it to close friends (ER doc, State Police/DCS, etc) and they are all a tremendous help, as is everyone here. Good to hear from you @MK19 Glad you have a good network and a supportive family. As you've seen, several of us here through out the day if you need an extra place to check in with a little more distance between you and the local resources. Take care! |
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I can't directly relate as, for reasons unknown to me, calls never really got to me. I've had many peds codes, though, having worked EMS in Milwaukee and then patrol as a deputy in a few rural areas. BUT, I did see quite a few coworkers struggle with some tough calls. Best advice I have? Find people you can open up to. Hopefully you're surrounded by people that are understanding and supportive. Allow yourself to feel through the emotions if you feel emotional about a call. Allowing yourself to process it now, and finding healthy ways to navigate it, are crucial. As much as I say calls never got to me(and they didn't at the time), now that I'm older, all those bad calls make me see the world different. A few nightmares here and there, sure, but it isn't memories of the call itself that fuck me up, just awareness how fucked up the world really is. Just remember, it's a fucked up world whether you're there to see it or not, but being the guy that volunteers to go deal with it, that says something. edit: And yes, the feeling that you don't even know how to process or think about the call, or what to do, are normal. You just experienced something traumatic and you're trained to process, react, and intervene when you feel that ways. Well, there's nothing left to do now, but you're brain is still in go-mode, mixed with grief. It'll take a hot minute to come down. |
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Originally Posted By Auxcoastie: I did two pedi codes here inside of 8 months, teenagers count because the parents are still watching you and it flat out sucks. We do have a support system here in NH and it still sucks. Wife works at a school where one went and so it was a whole family affair. Talk to someone, 988 works as a start. Hopefully your work has an Employee support program, hell send me a pm if you need to. I am not a counselor but have been through it. Welcome to a shitty club. Virginia does seem to have some state level services from a quick google. https://www.vfrss.org/treatment Originally Posted By Auxcoastie: Originally Posted By MK19: We're an UBER rural dept here, not at all like the support I got when I was on a truck in WA. But, to be fair, the chief showed up and apologized for not being there (incident occurred less than a 1/4 mile from his house) and brought the town mayor/deacon to talk to us. It was a very thoughtful gesture to be sure and said a lot about the chiefs' character. I appreciated it a lot, but yeah, time man... time. I did two pedi codes here inside of 8 months, teenagers count because the parents are still watching you and it flat out sucks. We do have a support system here in NH and it still sucks. Wife works at a school where one went and so it was a whole family affair. Talk to someone, 988 works as a start. Hopefully your work has an Employee support program, hell send me a pm if you need to. I am not a counselor but have been through it. Welcome to a shitty club. Virginia does seem to have some state level services from a quick google. https://www.vfrss.org/treatment Most of the state run CISD type teams are horrendous. Over my career I've had more pedi codes and pedi traumas than I want to think about and have had essentially zero support in processing the calls. I feel confident when I say to feel free to reach out to just about anyone in this thread if you need something. |
Survivor ARFbortion 2016
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Anything with kids sucks. Before I had kids, I feel like I could have handled something like this better, but now that I have kids, it seems that anything with kids just hits harder than anything else. You're human, not super human. Find someone to talk to, even if it's your wife. Nothing to be ashamed of. I know if I were in your situation, I would've just dropped after handing the kid off to medical. |
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I feel for you. Sadly, in this field, you will have more but the first is hard to forget. I remember I had a little girl, 12 y/o, who died in my arms and will never forget it. Her mom said she had been feeling tired lately and turns out she was misdiagnosed by her doctor who said she is pretending. When we got the call to the home, the poor little thing had blue lips and fingers telling me she "doesn't want to die". Thankfully, it was at the of shift and I went home and cried. I still feel it to this day but Jesus, believe it or not, has really helped me many times over. He can take your burdens and you can put them on Him. I will pray for you my friend. |
Be the change you want in this world.
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Originally Posted By patw: I feel for you. Sadly, in this field, you will have more but the first is hard to forget. I remember I had a little girl, 12 y/o, who died in my arms and will never forget it. Her mom said she had been feeling tired lately and turns out she was misdiagnosed by her doctor who said she is pretending. When we got the call to the home, the poor little thing had blue lips and fingers telling me she "doesn't want to die". Thankfully, it was at the of shift and I went home and cried. I still feel it to this day but Jesus, believe it or not, has really helped me many times over. He can take your burdens and you can put them on Him. I will pray for you my friend. I appreciate your words, very much so. Doing better, but had a rough start to my shift this morning. Like my wife said, it's because God gave me this gift, that I can do the work I do... I will pray for you as well. |
f that noise...
