User Panel
User Panel
User Panel
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Posted: 2/16/2021 11:18:22 PM EST
[#1]
Mitt Romney.
I don't have anything else.  |
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Posted: 2/16/2021 11:18:25 PM EST
[#2]
When does a policeman smell?
When he's on doodie |
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Posted: 2/16/2021 11:37:52 PM EST
[#3]
What did the grape do when the elephant stepped on it?
It let out a little whine. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:38:09 AM EST
[#4]
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:19:14 AM EST
[#5]
How do you make an octopus laugh?
Give it ten tickles. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:45:30 AM EST
[#6]
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaayyyyyyyyy. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:48:48 AM EST
[#7]
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice, then sprinkle some frozen peas around it and hide. When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, you run up and kick him in the ice-hole. (Thanks dad  ) |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:50:05 AM EST
[#8]
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Posted: 2/17/2021 8:29:20 AM EST
[#9]
We recently found out my grandfather is addicted to viagra.
Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 8:42:22 AM EST
[#10]
What's the last thing that goes through the mind of a bug before it hits your windshield?
It's butt |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 8:46:56 AM EST
[#11]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What is a pirates favorite letter? RRRRRRR Where does a pirate like to eat? |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 8:50:11 AM EST
[#12]
Ya know, you can’t blame anyone if you fall in your driveway.
It’s your own asphalt. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 8:53:15 AM EST
[#13]
Quote HistoryQuote HistoryQuoted: Quoted: So I just got done watching a fascinating documentary on migratory waterfowl. Learned something neat.. did you know there's actually a very good explanation why one side of the "V" formation is longer than the other? Its cause there are more birds on that side  https://www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/128698/19B2C036-2582-4D5E-96BF-8D1FFEBDA5A5_jpe-1828862.JPG HAHAHA |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 8:54:34 AM EST
[#14]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What do gay horses eat? Haaaaaayyyyyyyyy. What about a gay snake? Hithhhhhhh |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 9:09:56 AM EST
[#15]
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "bartender, give me a beer and a mop!"
There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who can't. What do an orange and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels.... Except the orange. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 9:11:17 AM EST
[#16]
Q: What potato rules the world?
A: Dictator Q: What potato orbits the earth? A: Spudnik |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 9:13:05 AM EST
[#17]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What do Israelis make matzo from? Judo! 
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Posted: 2/17/2021 9:15:46 AM EST
[#18]
"Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street: Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry. Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup." |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 9:22:13 AM EST
[#19]
How do you find out if your wife is ticklish?
You give her a testicle. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 11:09:47 AM EST
[#20]
eash tickle me elmo doll comes from the factory with two test tickles.
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Posted: 2/17/2021 11:31:53 AM EST
[#21]
What do you call bees dressed up as ghosts?
Boo-bees |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 11:47:04 AM EST
[#22]
What's it called when you have a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye dear. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 11:47:51 AM EST
[#23]
Quote HistoryQuoted: I rost. I'm about in tears...I do that to my kids all the time. Quote HistoryQuoted: I rost. I'm about in tears...I do that to my kids all the time. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 11:53:37 AM EST
[#24]
How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 11:55:31 AM EST
[#25]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What is a pirates favorite letter? RRRRRRR What letter makes pirates happy? P Without it they’re irate. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:02:25 PM EST
[#26]
Did you hear that Denmark is putting barcodes on all of their ships?
Yeah. That way they can Scandinavian. 
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:11:59 PM EST
[#27]
Did you hear Apple is coming out with their own version of Life Alert?
It's called IFall. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:18:40 PM EST
[#28]
My neighbor only has one eye and wears a patch.
The other day he was mowing and fell into a well. He couldn't see that well. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:31:10 PM EST
[#29]
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick! |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:35:14 PM EST
[#30]
Whenever we're driving and I see cows, I say "Those are famous cows".
If anyone asks why, I say, "They're out-standing in their field." My wife rolls her eyes, every time we see cows and I say something.  eta. Dang! Got beat by a previous post. Okay. Here's another one, but for a more mature crowd. Q. What's the difference between Kim Jong Un and a jock strap? A. One's a dictator and one's a dick toter.
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:50:55 PM EST
[#31]
Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch. Where did little Johnny go after getting lost in the mine field? Everywhere. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Dough- NUTS |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 12:54:21 PM EST
[#32]
Keep 'em coming, these are (mostly) great!
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:04:18 PM EST
[#33]
I was going to tell you an unemployment joke... But it didn't work
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:09:00 PM EST
[#34]
Son: Dad, did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got all of them cut! |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:34:49 PM EST
[#35]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What is a pirates favorite letter? RRRRRRR No. You'd think it be rrrrrrr but it be C. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 1:56:22 PM EST
[#36]
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.99. Deer nuts are under a buck. |
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Posted: 2/17/2021 2:02:29 PM EST
[#37]
What did the mathematician who could only work with odd numbers say?
"I can't even..." |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 9:29:10 AM EST
[#38]
A Hamburger walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve food in here. “ |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 9:32:46 AM EST
[#39]
Bitter Catholic Dad Joke:
A pedophile, a drunk, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says,”Hello, Father O’Malley.” |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 9:45:40 AM EST
[#40]
Adam is walking with his two sons.
He points out into the distance and says "Look over the boys, that's where mom ate us out of house and home." |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 9:50:24 AM EST
[#41]
Quote HistoryQuoted: What's brown and sticky? A stick Dammit...now I see it What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:06:19 AM EST
[#42]
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg. |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:43:24 AM EST
[#43]
A southern girl got her driver's licence, and wanted to take her friends out for a ride to celebrate. She went to her father and asked him "Paw, can I borrow the truck? I done got my licence."
He answered "sure, but yawl will have to suck my dick first, I reckon." As she'd already promised her friends they'd go for a drive, and knowing her father as she did, she resigned herself to the task. Kneeling before him, she took his dick in her mouth, but then quickly recoiled, sputtering "I do declare, your dick tastes like shit!" He thought for a moment, and said "oh, I plumb forgot; your brother has the truck." |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:43:45 AM EST
[#44]
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. Speaking of carrots, why did the snowman get kicked out of the grocery store? He was picking his nose. What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG! (Thanks, Monty Python) From Shel Silverstein's ABZ Book... J is for JOKE Do you know a funny joke? Here is what to say: "Once upon a time there was a traveling salesman who stopped at a farmer's house..." (See--Daddy looks surprised. Daddy didn't know you knew a joke.) "And the farmer said, 'You'll have to sleep with my daughter...'" (See--Daddy looks funny. Daddy is sweating.) "And the salesman said, 'I don't want to sleep anywhere I want to know which way it is to Kenosha,' and the farmer told him and he went away. The end." (See--Daddy is smiling--that was a very funny joke!) December 25, 1776. George Washington and his men are on the shore of the Delaware River, about to cross and surprise the Hessian troops in Trenton. What did Washington say to his men before they got in the boat? Men, get in the boat. Why can't you tell when a psychiatrist goes to the bathroom? The P is silent. |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:49:35 AM EST
[#45]
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:53:29 AM EST
[#46]
I'm going to go get a pack of smokes.
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:53:42 AM EST
[#47]
From the Ranch:
Beau (Sam Elliot): knock knock Luke (Jax Shepard): who ther.... Beau: Shut the fuck up |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:54:40 AM EST
[#48]
What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear. What's green and goes backward? (sniffle loudly) What's gray and can't fly? A parking lot. |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:56:54 AM EST
[#49]
Quote HistoryQuoted: If you're American in the kitchen and American in the living room what are you in the bathroom? European! If you're American in the kitchen and American in the living room what are you when you REALLY need to go to the bathroom? Russian! European???? Ima Shittin! |
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Posted: 2/18/2021 10:58:59 AM EST
[#50]
Bob
Matt Art Bill Phil Russell What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his body? Doug. What do you call a man *without* a shovel stuck in his body? Douglas |
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