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One has to be drunk to understand what an Irishman is attempting to formulate into words.
Even then you formulate your own conclusion to the sentence and the Irishman will agree with you.

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Aussie seems in between English and Yank with a bunch of random shit thrown in.

And I can't believe the word "heaps" is not a word in the US

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Years ago, early 70's I had to interact with people of Britain. Let just say when you get a coonass speaking English to a Briton speaking English I may as well
been speaking to a person from Japan. Really I had an easier time comunicating to the Japanese.

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I know about chutney ferrets now, what's a toffee nose?

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Some more.......

"Aluminum"  WTF??   It's ALUMINIUM.

Aluminum is older. Bugger off then.

Your portion sizes........ fuck me sideways.  You boys can EAT.  I could feed me and my family for a week on what you guys can put away in one sitting.
Depends on where you go. It isn't that way here, really. Though, even in CA people will go out to Saturday breakfast and put down a ton of food.

Flags EVERYWHERE.   Not weird, just different.  You know you are in America.
We don't hate ourselves

Crossing the road is a crime in the US (jaywalking?).  To us that's nuts.  Then again I walked 100yds to a 7/11 in Tennessee when I was out there and was stopped by the Police twice, asking why I was walking, where I was walking to etc.  Once they heard the accent and saw my perplexed look they must have just thought Dumb Brit.  They were nice about it though.
That's pretty unusual. It also depends on region. In some areas of the country our roads are much, much, much wider than anything you'd see in the UK. You'd be committing suicide to try and cross without a signal. In general though, no one really cares

Cop cars arrive on mass to any call in the US it seems.  Someone stubbed their toe?  You guys CARE.  Send a fire engine, 18 police cars and a news van to the scene.   UK - man up you fucking pussy or we'll prosecute you for wasting police time.  Your Police are polite.
Only in larger cities. They didn't even show up when my kid hit the panic button on the alarm. They cancelled the call without ever showing up according to my dispatcher.

Americans are very friendly on their terms.  However, if you try to engage them in conversation on your own unexpectedly, then they look at you like you are a nutter.  "Alright mate" seems to attract a look as though you are about to pick their pocket and eat their dog.
Again, depends on where you are. In California or New York, people think you are a rapist if you make eye contact. In Oklahoma, you could probably walk up to anyone you find and have a nice off-the-cuff conversation. And they are generally willing to help anyone in trouble without reservation. I would say that most of America is the latter.

A bag of apples costs more than a Pizza in the US.  Or so it seems.
Only shitty pizza. Which you should be well accustomed to in Britain

Doggie bags are not something we really do over here.....or we do, but we use them to scoop up dog poo when we take our pooches for a walk.  You guys put food in yours, take it home and then save it.
You guys don't do leftovers? Sometimes it's better than firsties!

Your sausage is flat and round like a burger.  Much confusion.  Sausage is dick shaped in the UK.  I even saw dick shaped sausages when I was over there, but when I ordered it it came out flat, as though someone had removed the skin and beaten the fuck out of it.  I still don;t know if a hot dog is the same as a sausage in a bun.
In my experience our sausage is like 75% cylindrical, 25% flat. That might be regional. Hot dogs are wieners and are more heavily processed meats. Specialty sausages are a big deal here

A bum over your way is a tramp, hobo, homeless person who smells of wee and sick.  A bum over here is an arse, as in "that girl has a nice bum".  Making a comment like "Look at that gorgeous bum" causes some raised eyebrows.
No one uses hobo or tramp anymore. They have a more nomadic connotation. Kinda wish hobo would make a comeback.

What is over-easy?  I never did get to the bottom of that.  It's egg related and seems to involve flipping but beyond that I'm lost.
Cooked in butter to BARELY browning on one-side, flip for a few seconds, enough for a slight skin to form over the yoke, done. Less runny than Sunny-side-up.

Your bread is very sweet.  It's more like what we might consider a cake.
We eat all kinds of bread. That is probably regional as well. In CA, people typically eat whole wheat, which can range from grainy and bitter to very slightly sweet. We do have rolls though that are pretty sweet. Might I suggest you find a way to get a hold of these if you have never had them? So godamn delicious

The toilet flush over your side seems to last for ever and has the force of the Amazon in spate.....then again, given the amount you guys can tuck away on a good feed, I guess you need it
People in the US seem to use a ton of toilet paper. I don't know why, but I used to notice it a lot from co-workers, developed a hypothesis, which has been reinforced many times since. I'm a double square guy.

Customer service - you guys excel at this.  "Have a nice day" in your face bounciness and endless enthusiasm delivered with an abundance of friendliness and smiles.  I felt a bit rude because I just said "hi" and looked miserable - not intentionally - I was just melting in the heat and felt guilty for using their air conditioning to dry my shirt.  British reservedness and stoicism is not helpful in these situations.  I almost felt that I should skip in with jazz hands and dance my order like John Travolta in Grease, but I know my face would belie my inner torture and the well intentioned recipient would be of the impression that I was mocking them rather than trying to put some effort into my delivery.  I felt awful, as though I should have tried harder, but I was outclassed by the raw power of their enthusiasm.
Sometimes. Go to New Jersey and you'd sing a different tune. By in large though, you are right.

.......Except in convenience stores.  There I felt the clerk, clark or whatever you call them was literally wanting to suck the joy out my life and every thing I said was viewed with utter contempt and hatred......kinda like home.
No one is in a convenience store because they made a good choice, especially the workers

Bumper stickers.   You guys wear your hearts on your selves.  Never saw so many bumps stickers in my life.
The crazier someone is, the more bumper stickers they have. Known fact.

Nicest bunch of people I've met when abroad.  Took me a day or two to get used to the the generosity and kindness.
I agree, but I think we are losing this. I don't think the millennials are going to develop these skills by in large. Too narcissistic and entitled. The jovial, gregarious, accommodating American mentality is going to diminish soon.

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http://memecrunch.com/meme/OK0K/found-prawn-cocktail-crisps-in-my-cupboard/image.jpg

http://www.junkfoodguy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/prawn01.png

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"Bell end" must be a southerner

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Some more.......



You call an arse a "fanny".  We call a lady's front bottom a "fanny"



A band aid to you is a "plaster" to us.



A period "." is a "full stop" to us.



A rubber to you is a condom, but to us it is something you use to erase pencil marks.



"Aluminum"  WTF??   It's ALUMINIUM.



Your portion sizes........ fuck me sideways.  You boys can EAT.  I could feed me and my family for a week on what you guys can put away in one sitting.



Flags EVERYWHERE.   Not weird, just different.  You know you are in America.



Date syntax.  We seem to use use a more logical system  DD/MM/YYYY.......this makes sense as the arrangement is in order of how often it chances and how big each unit is.  You guys seem to do the MM/DD/YYYY which can be confusing as hell at times.



Crossing the road is a crime in the US (jaywalking?).  To us that's nuts.  Then again I walked 100yds to a 7/11 in Tennessee when I was out there and was stopped by the Police twice, asking why I was walking, where I was walking to etc.  Once they heard the accent and saw my perplexed look they must have just thought Dumb Brit.  They were nice about it though.



Cop cars arrive on mass to any call in the US it seems.  Someone stubbed their toe?  You guys CARE.  Send a fire engine, 18 police cars and a news van to the scene.   UK - man up you fucking pussy or we'll prosecute you for wasting police time.  Your Police are polite.



Americans are very friendly on their terms.  However, if you try to engage them in conversation on your own unexpectedly, then they look at you like you are a nutter.  "Alright mate" seems to attract a look as though you are about to pick their pocket and eat their dog.



A bag of apples costs more than a Pizza in the US.  Or so it seems.



Did I mention the portion size?  Met with a guy for a breakfast meeting.  Plate of pancakes and syrup came out and I thought "Game on, brekkie is served".  I was stuffed after two pancakes and every time I took a sip of coffee the waitress, who was lovely, came out and topped me up.  Then came the unexpected main course - fuck me!!!. It looked like an abattoir had been on overtime and I was the sole recipient of their productivity. I  got stuck in and managed about half before making my excuses and going to the bog for a tactical chunder to make more room (my twat colleague said leaving food was considered rude) By the end of meal I had the meat sweats and had drunk so much caffeine I was shaking like a shitting dog.  I just wanted to go back to bed and endure the the indigestion but had another 8 hours of work to do.  That's when they told me about doggie bags.



Doggie bags are not something we really do over here.....or we do, but we use them to scoop up dog poo when we take our pooches for a walk.  You guys put food in yours, take it home and then save it.



Your sausage is flat and round like a burger.  Much confusion.  Sausage is dick shaped in the UK.  I even saw dick shaped sausages when I was over there, but when I ordered it it came out flat, as though someone had removed the skin and beaten the fuck out of it.  I still don;t know if a hot dog is the same as a sausage in a bun.



A bum over your way is a tramp, hobo, homeless person who smells of wee and sick.  A bum over here is an arse, as in "that girl has a nice bum".  Making a comment like "Look at that gorgeous bum" causes some raised eyebrows.  



What is over-easy?  I never did get to the bottom of that.  It's egg related and seems to involve flipping but beyond that I'm lost.



Your bread is very sweet.  It's more like what we might consider a cake.



The toilet flush over your side seems to last for ever and has the force of the Amazon in spate.....then again, given the amount you guys can tuck away on a good feed, I guess you need it



TV commercials.  OH my god.  Make them stop please.  Why do your dentists have stethoscopes on the adverts?



Customer service - you guys excel at this.  "Have a nice day" in your face bounciness and endless enthusiasm delivered with an abundance of friendliness and smiles.  I felt a bit rude because I just said "hi" and looked miserable - not intentionally - I was just melting in the heat and felt guilty for using their air conditioning to dry my shirt.  British reservedness and stoicism is not helpful in these situations.  I almost felt that I should skip in with jazz hands and dance my order like John Travolta in Grease, but I know my face would belie my inner torture and the well intentioned recipient would be of the impression that I was mocking them rather than trying to put some effort into my delivery.  I felt awful, as though I should have tried harder, but I was outclassed by the raw power of their enthusiasm.



.......Except in convenience stores.  There I felt the clerk, clark or whatever you call them was literally wanting to suck the joy out my life and every thing I said was viewed with utter contempt and hatred......kinda like home.



Bumper stickers.   You guys wear your hearts on your selves.  Never saw so many bumps stickers in my life.



Nicest bunch of people I've met when abroad.  Took me a day or two to get used to the the generosity and kindness.

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Yeah, I'm not much interested in being snarked at about biscuits and gravy by people who eat coagulated pig blood for breakfast.  This from a lifelong Anglophile.

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Marmite sounds like an explosive, not something you put on ?toast?.

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The Brits are wrong about almost everything....but there is ONE thing they are absolutely correct about, and it's the exclusion of periods from quotations.

In the US: I was walking down the street and a man nearby said, "yo, Trump is a racist." I thought that was...

In the UK: "I was walking down the street and a man nearby said, "that bloody Trump is a racist". I thought that was...

The UK version is MUCH better. I'd go so far as to say that it's the only RIGHT way to do it.

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if there is anything from Britain is good its for sure television. so much better than alot of US programming

i do have to ask pop or coke?

Quoted:
I know about chutney ferrets now, what's a toffee nose?