My favorites......

The mayor of a tiny town near my old home town was having an affair with a blond tootsie.
His wife found out and followed him one Saturday night to her house.  
She didn't take a gun.
Waiting until they'd passed out from drinking and sex, she slipped into the house and into the bedroom.

Cut to the emergency room.....
The still drunken mayor was trying to explain to my nurse friend how exactly it happened that he got his penis pulled up and super glued to his belly.

I knew a doctor working Homer G. Phillips Hospital emergency room in downtown St Louis, as in MLK Boulevard St Louis.
Typically you didn't go anywhere near there for normal treatment but if you were shot that's RIGHT where you wanted to go because they had all the experience in the world in treating gunshot wounds.

One Friday night they brought in two men with gunshot wounds.  
One was a local thug (as the British say) "well known to the police".
The other was a retired professional hockey player who'd finished his career with the St Louis Blues.
They'd been in a local bar drinking and got into an argument.
The thug pulled a .38 and shot the hockey player.
That made him mad so he beat the dog crap out of the thug who was twice his size, took the gun away from him and shot the thug.

They were laying side by side in the emergency room when the hockey player managed to haul himself up on one elbow, leaned over to the thug and said:
"I just talked to the doctor... he said you weren't going to make it".
The doctors, nurses, and cops just roared.
My friend the doctor later told me that THAT guy was a REAL tough guy and a credit to hockey player toughness.

Back in the Disco days a man dressed similar to John Travolta's white suit in "Saturday Night Fever" came out of the bar, slipped on an ice patch and broke his leg.
The ambulance crew tried to cut the pants leg off and he fought them off without telling them why.
They figured the suit cost money so they transported him to the hospital to let them deal with it.

My friend the nurse told him the pants were coming off.
He tried to resist, and she told him to stay still or she'd have some large orderlies come in and remove them for him.
He turned a brilliant red and allowed her to cut them off.
Under the pants, taped to his upper leg was a large sausage.
After some embarrassed discussion he admitted it was a lure for the college girls in the bar.
My friend said she managed to get out of the room before she collapsed in choking laughter.

A relative of mine was a long time police detective on the local department.
He came to the emergency room late one night to interview a woman about being beaten in a domestic dispute.
He saw a man "well known to the police" sitting in the waiting room and asked why he was there.
He told my relative that he had a headache.
My relative asked if that was all, why didn't he just take some aspirin.
The guy said that it was too bad for aspirin.
My relative asked what was going on.
The guy said he had a headache because he had gotten into a fight with another local "well known to the police" and the other guy had given him a headache.

My relative looked at him and asked how the other guy could give him a headache.
The guy said that the other guy was getting the worst of it and gave him a headache by pulling a .25 automatic.
My relative just looked at him as the guy lifted his porkpie hat, exposing a bullet hole in the side of his head.
My relative said "Just a minute, I'll get a nurse".
When the nurses rushed out to the waiting room and started to lift the guy onto a gurney he collapsed and died right there.
My relative got a conviction of the other guy based on a dying declaration.

One night a man was brought in in serious condition.
The police informed my friend that the guy was gay and had been having a party with a couple of friends.
Unfortunately the fun stopped when the light bulb he had up his rectum was crushed into tiny pieces of glass.

I wasn't there but I don't recall there being a ballast and power supply in there too as part of the story.

No........just no.

Think he came when they pulled it out ?

I brought one of my sons to the ER when he was 2 or 3.  He had a fever that we couldn't get to come down.  Called our pediatrician and he said "probably nothing, but take him to the ER just to be safe".  It wasn't a huge deal, but we were new parents at the time, so I brought him.

We checked in, and they said to have a seat.  There were maybe 20 other people already there, in various states of distress, including at least one who was bleeding, and sort of moaning and crying and another who was barfing violently.

They took us immediately, ahead of all these truly suffering bastards.  I felt kind of bad, honestly.

My 9 month old daughter had a really high fever (ended up being a urinary tract infection), and while in triage, a teenage girl and her mom were in way sooner than us.   The teenager pierced her own tongue, and it was blown-up to the size of a cow tongue....the nurse called us ahead of the teen, and the teens mom freaked....

The nurse very calmly pointed to my daughter, and said "she's innocent, your daughter is stupid".  

Yep, I used to see it when I played in a rock band at bars.

They have a great TV show about this

Untold Stories of the ER

You could start a thread about just things found in rectal cavities alone.

Guy gets shot in the heart.  Ambulance transfers him to ER.  ER stabilizes him and sends him straight up to surgery.  Doctor told me the bullet entered the heart, bounced off the opposite wall and plugged its entry hole.  Talk about luck!

Also seen a couple of times when other officers brought in some arrestee who has some illness that would have killed him within 24 hours.  Sh*t.  Should not have arrested him then.

You get this one, nurse because you have small hands.

I showed up to one when I was a kid with a severed artery in my index finger from a piranha bite.

Doc- "You got bit by a what?"

Seven stitches fixed it.

I was in the trauma room after my motorcycle crash when the doc came in to give me a quick update before sending me for more X-rays.  He sees the pile of my clothes that had been cut off me with my empty holster on top. He asks me if somebody has my pistol or do they need to go look for it.  I told him it had already been secured.  He said, ‘Good.  BTW, what do you carry?‘. As I go to answer ‘Glock 43’, my SO sees the blood dripping out of the splint on my wrist and says ‘Is that his blood!’.  The doc says, ‘Yes, but nothing to worry about... so how do you like the Glock? I carry a Kahr myself.’  The SO makes the only comment possible... “Men!”

She still gives me grief two years later!

I went into the ER after a jujutsu class because I was starting to have trouble swallowing.  We were practicing hadaka jime, or rear naked choke.  The guy trying to choke me didn't get mh trachea in the crook of his elbow, and in stead had the bone of his forearm on my trachea.  Sure, it hurt, but I wasn't feeling the loss of blood to my brain so I didn't tap.

The doc said I had a ruptured trachea, and asked what happened.  I said "a guy was choking me".  Doc asked "why" and my response surprised him "because it was his turn".  The look on the doc's face told me more explanation was necessary so I told him about the class and what happened.  He said it is gonna hurt like hell for a while, and said, "here, take this to the pharmacy, it will help".  When my prescription came back I thought "swell, pills...I can barely swallow spit.".

At MLK Hospital in L.A. A guy gorked out on PCP handcuffed to the gurney BOLTED to the floor. He is but ass naked standing there with his crank in his hand and starts pulling. And pulling and pulling. His dick stretched like chewing gum, looked like a good 18-20 inches.

Another time a few patients are laying on beds on the minor injury side. A doc is showing some med  students around and looking at charts. He says to the students "watch and learn". He walks up to a guy with a broken ankle, tells him to turn his head to the left and sticks him in the neck to demonstrate a jugular IV stick. The guy is screaming with a needle sticking out of his neck.

Homeless guys brought in with open wounds with maggots in them.

A guy that flinched when he tried to shoot himself. blood was non-stop dripping. He blew off his jaw and side of his face.

I went to the ER when I fell off a ladder and broke my left ankle.

While I was waiting in a two bed room, separated by a curtain they brought in a lady who had ingrown arm pit hair.

First it was January and this couple had been heating their home with Kerosene heaters.  They reeked of Kerosene.

But when the ER doc popped the abscess, the stench combined with the kerosene made me gag.  It was horrible.

A guy I know is paralyzed from the waist down. He had a pump put in so he could get an erection. He got in a bathtub, used a scalpel to cut a ring around his dick, inserted Mardi Gras beads, and sewed himself up. He swears it drives women crazy. That's his story anyway.

In residency, Starbucks frappacino bottle up a dude's ass, unbroken, his story was that he had accidentally fallen onto the empty bottle while cleaning his apartment.  No, this is not friend of a friend type thing, I actually wrote that narrative while taking his history

I woke up in an ER with a security guard in the room and no idea how I got there.  Apparently I was quite combative when the ambulance dropped me off.  I have no memory of it.  

[Cool story bro]

Another story from residency, good friend was on trauma call; get a text telling me I'm not going to believe his story.  He was in Munster Indiana and a guy came in with a butt plug stuck up his ass.  They had to take him to surgery and split his pelvis.  He sent pictures of said plug after removal

9mm?

My girlfriend at the time took me to the ER for a kidney stone in the middle of the night.
I was rolling around trying to find a comfortable position on a gurney.
Sitting quietly in the corner was a construction worker. The guy had a white towel wrapped around his hand and in his other hand he was holding a bag with ice and what I appeared to be his thumb in it.

After about an hour my girlfriend started getting impatient and began bitching that it was taking too long etc.
I really had no patience for her so I told her to look over  at the guy holding his thumb in a bag of ice.
He didn't seem to be complaining so she should shut the fuck up.
She looked over and saw the digit in the bag, turned white and passed out in her chair.

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Hmmmm.... @ClayP  what lake was the girl who had the top of her head cut off at?  Just curious because you are in Texas, wondering if I worked it.

Heroin up the ass

Cocaine in penis (in a plastic bag)

Six large balls up someone's ass (gave them go lytely till they shit them out.  Almost didn't get the last one)

Razor blades up the ass from part of a gang thing

Failed suicides

I could go on for days

Doing my EMT clinical hours over 30 years ago, had a couple and their family come blowing in to the ER about ready to drop their 5th or 6th kid.  I can't remember.  But they had a whole herd in tow.  Doc and nurses rolled her into a room where she popped out the new one and a few minutes later delivered the placenta with a few tugs from the doc.

The husband then told the doc it was part of their religion that they must eat the placenta.  Wife and husband chowed down.  Doc did take a sample to send to the lab.  Nurse threw up in a trash can outside.  Pretty interesting 10 hours in the ER.

I just looked it up.

When I was an intern, I pulled a softball out of a guy's rectum. Had to take him from the ER to the OR.

Why yes. He had been drinking. And he had inserted it himself.

ETA: I had a guy brought in by EMS after crashing his bullet bike. At 100 mph. On a packed gravel road. Wearing shorts and a T-shirt and no helmet. He skidded, bounced and rolled over 100 yards.

He was moderately dead already, but he was young and you tend to work on them for a while. I did double chest tubes and a pericardiocentesis on him. Got lots of practice that day.

He still died.

One of the deputies came in and said he needed a blood sample to send off for tox. The deputy was trying to draw some from his vein and getting nothing. I said, "Uh, Justin (friend from High School days). He's dead and his heart's definitely not beating. You won't get anything out of there. How much blood do you want?"

He said about 10 cc. So, I took a long angiocath on a syringe, shoved it into the dead guy's chest, just lateral to the sternum and aspirated out 10 cc, directly from the heart.

Poor deputy turned as white as a ghost and immediately exited the room. I admit that I might have done that just to get a response.

Saw a testicle hanging out of a ruptured/lacerated scrotum due to mva.

having to do skeletal survey on deceased toddler due to abuse.

Watched a guy throw up blood, he had been swallowing all over the asshole trauma doc.

From recent memory:

Guy shows up with dildo inside his butt.  Still running. From 12 hours before.  Waited in ER for 3 hours. Went to surgery, still running.  Never did find out the brand of batteries.

Drunk shows up at 6am for detox.  Last drink as he walked in, BAC <300. AMAs out about 930.  Comes back about 1400, last drink as he walked in again.  BAC <400 (very high functioning).  AMAs out about 4 hours later after a banana bag.   Come back 3 hours later drunk again.  I left before he did that time.  Next day they said he AMA'd again.

We donhave a dr that likes to call out drug seekers with printouts of their narc fills.

Yea, that is no lie.  Full moon does bring the freaks.

A VO5 shampoo bottle will just fit in your rectum.
It is much harder to remove.

Never call another man’s bitch a ho.

If you use a cock ring. Make it a soft easily cut metal, not titanium.

If you stab your mom to death and cut your hand, don’t tell me you injured it “woodworking”.

Gravity always wins.

Shoot man, all docs do that, it’s easier than reviewing text.

Once brought a very loud drugged up guy to the er (naked but covered up in a towel). He was shouting very fast sentences like I am a God! And your a God!  Suck my dick I'll suck your dick I am not gay. Anyways the room I brought him in was filling up with nursing students, nurses and doctors I guess for curiosity. The nurse told him to walk to stretcher and of course he stands up butt ass naked and drops the towel showing his duck to at least 10 ladies. I got a kick out of it ( as well as at my female partner having to deflect his amorous advances. Anyways. Drugs are bad.
I am still waiting for the lambo car he promised to buy me.

My mom somehow impaled her lower leg on a tree limb sticking up from a stump sticking out of the ground... it's like 9am... i get her bleeding stopped, put an izzy bandage on her and take to the hospital,  which is like 5 minutes away... there's no one in the e.r. waiting room...

they do all the paperwork, take her back and take the bandage off to check the wound... get her bleeding again, and send her back to the waiting room... there's only maybe 2 patients in the back... we sit for another 4 hours... such medical emergencies and menstrual cramps, a broken toe and diarrhea come in... I was able to stop her bleeding, again..

I ask when they're taking her in... I'm informed that there is "triage" going on and she will be seen soon...  and the waiting continues...

another 4 hours goes by... I'm more than a little pissed at this point... I ask the nurse when my mom was going to be seen.. .she says "oh you folks were so nice we forgot about you..."

I wasn't so nice when i responded to that... miraculously, they were able to get her in and stitch her up... at 1820 we arrived home...

Seen a guy with mental issues fight two cops handcuffed all the way down a hallway to his private E.R. cubical. One sandal with sock and on other foot a gym shoe. Yelling to the top of his voice. I know Captain Kirk! Over and over. I locked eyes with the one cop.  He had that why did I sign up for this look in his eyes.

Gang banger handcuffed to bed in hallway being stitched up from a knife attack cussing the guy stitching him. I was sipping coffee

@ClayP
What does Octopus mean in this sentence?

willing to bet the guy closed his mouth around the barrel, and pop, cheeks and such turn in to tentacles.

Not ER but within 24 hours, I had diarrhea from the food and shat on myself, the nurse took 20 minutes to find wet wipes and disposable absorbent panties, by which time I had taken a shower even though I was not supposed to get out of bed unsupervised.

That night after dinner my blood sugar was around 110, but the med tech insisted that I had to take insulin. I went into hypoglycemia 45 minutes before I could order breakfast. My blood sugar was in the mid 60s. The next day med tech tried to give me more insulin. We  ended up calling my attending who said he does not require insulin right now

They started me on gabapentin (that shit can make you hallucinate) I saw ants marching up and down the baseboards, and I couldn't read the food menu.

My day nurse came in to drip a bag of potassium hcl but managed not to get the saline hooked up right, she started the drip and walked out, by the time I got her back in there it was like I had molten lava from my fingertips to my shoulder.

I checked out AMA, I was afraid they might really try to kill me.

Don’t. Triage.  A kid that age with a high fever could have had any number of immediately life threatening conditions that couldn’t wait.

Plus pediatrics usually has an isolated area from the rest of the ER, with their own patient and waiting rooms, so the rest of the ER might be busy but peds has empty beds.

Kharn

So did you get your dick sucked?

This

There is been a time or two that I refreshed my memory on a procedure via YouTube. It may be a procedure I've done before but not in recent memory. It's good just to make sure your memory is coreect.

My sister used to be an ER nurse in downtown Houston. You would be amazed at the things they had to pull from male rectums. Seems there is a considerable risk to single men regarding accidentally falling on light bulbs, Pepsi bottles, and various fruits and veggies while naked on a step stool.

Quite a run of them when I worked in medical in several of TDCJ units(ND B1 SV B2 MI CO) . Domino 's some guys put a 1/2 one in some a whole one and some put it sideways.  We usually saw them 1-2 weeks after the infection was draining pus and blood all over the white pants they wore.

Of all the guys we sent to have them surgically cut out-one guy refused to have it removed.  The disciplinary Captain charged him with possession of contraband and theft of State Property-it was a state issued set of dominos.

Ben Taub!!!   AKA the knife and gun club!

Say what you will, but it's a great place to get shot or stabbed because they are usually on top of their game from practice.

That's where I was first introduced to The Theory of Inverse Worth AKA the tooth to tattoo ratio for survival estimates.

Not so much scary ER story as scary hospital story, but I'll add mine. Summer of 1998, I'm visiting the compound my parents were living on in Saudi Arabia for the last time thankfully- I had a tendency to get sick everytime I went back. This last time takes the cake- developed what initially presented as tonsillitis. Go to the clinic, they give me penicillin. Two days later, back to the clinic we go- not getting better. They decide to give me a shot of penicillin. Next day, round three of trips to the clinic-bthings have gotten worse..... can't keep anything down, fever is up around 103. Different doc decides I need a second penicillin shot, but decides to do a skin test first- then proceeds to ignore the fact that withing a minute I'm reacting like I'm allergic and give me the shot. I'm now at the point I'm dehydrated and bringing up stomach acid, and doc decides they need to give me pineapple juice to rehydrate me. At this point, the nurses are calling the PA before doc kills me. One very..... interesting ride to the hospital later, I'm being admitted to a hospital in Khamis Mushayt, Saudi Arabia. This is where the REAL fun begins. I'm now running a fever of around 105, and severally dehydrated. The nurses in the ER decide they need to start a new IV to get saline in me. Veins in the arms are too small to find, so they decide the back of the left hand is the place to put the new line. That lasted until they stuck me. It should be noted that they still had the old metal needles for the IV lines. Did you know that when you jab one into someone's hand, miss the vein, and hit bone, those bend? Yeah, they hit bone. So, they try again on the back of my right hand and actually got the IV in a vein this time. They finally get me up to a room, and it turned out to be a good thing my mother was with me. At this point, I'm only semi-there mentally, so I found this part out later. Shortly after they get me situated, nurse comes in and pulls up my gown to, as it turns out, make sure I was prepped for surgery...... what surgery, we never did find out. Turns out, she wasn't paying attention to what room she was in and was trying to grab the wrong patient. Suffice to say, I wasn't left unattended for very long periods after that.

Witnessed by my wife when she was sitting in the waiting area of the ER waiting for me to get my finger sewed up (got careless with a table saw). Saw two local PD officers had a guy in his late teens between them who as handcuffed.  They had put a cloth bag over his head because he had been spitting. Seems they brought him in for being under the influence of something and to make sure he wasn't going to OD.

To get out of the ER there are two sets of  automatic glass doors that slide open and the cops with the kid are on their way out.  Seems the kid heard the first door open on theway out and decided to take off running even though he was handcuffed and had a bag over his head so he couldn't see. Wife said the kid hit the second set of doors so hard it knocked them open. Unfortunately for him he hit them head first. Knocked him on back on his ass.  One cop pulls the bag up from the kids head, takes a look and says to the other cop, no blood.  To the kid he says "let's go genius". They helped him up and she said he was pretty wobbly on his feet.

Wish I could have seen that. She said there was a lot of laughter from others in the waiting area of the ER who had watched this.

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