[ARCHIVED THREAD] - 13 year old son... Major problems (Page 1 of 3)
Posted: 9/17/2008 3:27:33 PM EDT
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ARGH!!! I am SO PISSED!!!! I am asking any of you if yo uhave had issues in the past with a DEFIANT 13 year old!! If so, what didyou do that works? I live in a LIBERAL area that frowns on spanking, and even so, Spankings never worked with him as he has a HIGH tolerance of pain. he skips football (tells his coach he has homework) then tells me practice ran late, so he can hang out with his Best Friend and Girlfriend. He calls home knowing he is grounded and argues with me about how he wants to go play basketball, yadda yadda... I am going to turn him over to his mom, as he knows how damned busy I am and only chose to stay with me because he can get away with more because I am on the job all the time. ANy thoughts of ways to make him wake up, wise up and start being a good citizen? 
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What is he doing besides trying to hang out with his friends? |
You are giving him too much latitude. Football? Remove. Best Friend and Girl Friend? Remove. Tighten up. No privacy. Make him prove to you he is capable of responsibility. |
Lying to me all the time, defiant about everything I tell him to do, acting like an ass to him Mom all the time (she kinda deserves it) he wont do his home works, lies to me and the school. The other night he decided to get in my face and forcefully let me know he disagrees with the way I "rule over him". I dont make him play football, but when I pay out $500 in fees and gear, because he says he wants to play, he better damned well show up for practice and not quit. He told me before the seasion started, that he wanted to play, I made it clear that if I payed the fees and gear costs, then he wasnt going to be allowed to quit. there are TONS more issues as well... just dont want to air them all out... |
That is definatly on the table, but I wont remove football, because i invested so much money and the coach is now aware and He has to do his homework on the side lines (if he is behind, then he gets to run the rest of practice for letting it get behind after getting his homework done of course.) the other kids have homework too that they do at home on a nightly basis so that is not an excuse anymore, but the GF and BF are about to go away... I just spoke with my neighbor who will baby sit him when I have to work long hours........ and YES I am looking into some volunteer programs to wake him up! All good advice! Thanks guys! |
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give the kid a little freedom...... Ask him if he even wants to be a part of the football team, could be he is not interested. At 15 most kids want to go and do what they want to do..... Set some rules: you choose and work them out with your son If he breaks the rules discuss what the consequences will be, if he cant follow the rules he can't live with you. |
So it seems like "normal" teen age acting out. If theres no sex or drugs/crime I would vote for "normal" respect inducing punishment. |
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Sounds like that boy needs something to do with his time. Tell him he MUST be home by 5:00 PM and doing his homework. If his homework is done, there are chores to do. Now I don't agree with paying your kid for doing what he should be doing anyway, But when he does a good job for say, a week, pay him a little. (I would think that $20 would be enough). He must earn it and make that clear to him. On the weekends, let him have his friends over, if he has done right all week. You gotta check up on him though, and stick to your guns if he screws up. If that don't work, don't give him a spanking, give him a good ol fashioned ass whuppin. 
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yank his cell phone and or computer (online ) privliges. take away their means to communicate and they realize you are serious. grounding them is a waste of time. when our daughter started in (same age!) the home phone was unavailable for 1 week, as a start. computer us for school work only, pulled the modem. 1 week with no outside communication (besides school0 is like being grounded for weeks. if it continues then increase times as necessary. a gentle but firm arm around their shoulders and whispering into their ear "I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD I CAN TAKE YOU OUT OF IT" was actually one of the more effective eye opening methods we used. but then she knew i meant it. |
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Look into a basic rewards/punishment system. Fuck around... no Xbox (or whatever he plays.) Make him EARN his time with the girlfriend and best friend. What should eventually emerge is a situation where homework is done, obligations are met, and he gets to do what he wants. Also, ask him straight up if he wants in or out of football. Is he on the team for himself or for you? (That wasn't supposed to be condescending, a lot of kids do sports because dad wants them to.) It would be FAR superior for him to be completely upfront with you rather than beat around the bush. Lying about practice? Unacceptable. You are in charge, and he should be calling you saying, "I know I shouldn't be out to play basketball... but let's make a deal. I'll do X, Y and Z if you let me stay..." He is also a bit too old to be spanked. Spanking is for troublesome boys up to age 10, or naughty girls over age 20. - BG |
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Good performance = civil life. Pain rarely works. Find out what the minimum required by law (check with child protective services) and give that to him. If he's willing to do the minimum he gets the minimum. A pair of shoes, a pair of socks, one shirt, a pair of pants, and a sleeping bag. No TV, phones, games, Internet, air conditioning, door on the room ... Actions = reactions. |
 Yes I know, and I am working to re mediate that.... as I have to pay the bills, but in Decmeber I work from home full time, so that should help... but for now, I gotta pay the bills and put food on the table. |
If only it was that easy. I have ADD. If all it took to 'fix' me was somebody bending my teeth, I swear to God, I'd have had somebody do such a good job I would have needed dentures. I still laughed though. 
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As a cop, I met several families that had children diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I don't know if it's a real disease or not, but these kids were seriously out of control. You say there are many other issues as well that you aren't getting into. Perhaps this site can give you some insight. Good luck. www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder |
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I was one of those and I hate to say it but you being busy all the time is a major factor as to why he is the way he is. Do everything possible to get more one on one time with him before its too late. I should know because I was much worse than your kids and if it were not for my dad doing an about face, I wouldn't care for him much. Working hard and providing for him is only merely enabling him to survive. Thats not where the job ends. Thats only half the job but sadly many dads think thats all they need to do. (not saying you but be careful). Seriously, spend more time with him, do stuff he likes. Make time for him because at this point he sure as hell isn't going to make time for you. Hell you may need a career change, hopefully that isnt too late. There is no money in the world that can replace your time with him. |
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Have you looked at filing an unruly charge with the court system? Puts them on probation and gives some structure. I know, I know, don't get "the man" involved in your life. Maybe it will work. Start the process early. If you don't, "the man" will come looking for you when your son winds up doing something he isn't supposed to be doing. Have you looked at counseling? Look up ODD - Oppositional defiant disorder. If he is truly defiant, get ready for a long ride. Take away privileges, all privileges. No phone, no free time, school, home, church, repeat. Get the school involved in watching him and keeping up with him. Good luck, you're going to need it if he is ODD. jd1 |
Yeah I know it has alot to do with the lack of me being home and active in his life. I was off in Texas this past weekend due to hurricane issues and DR so he got time with his mom, hearing about what an ass hole I am for being hard on him about his grades, etc... |
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Make it like this: In his world, as of very soon, TV doesn't exist, video games don't exist, cell phones don't exist, the internet at home doesn't exist, and the only things he has are a bed, proper clothing, and 3 meals a day. THAT'S IT. Take away his bedroom door too. If that doesn't work look into getting counseling. |
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I have a friend who just went through that with his son. He seems to have gotten results by crawling so far up the kids ass he couldnt breath without the parents knowing what he ate. I mean they kept him in sight 24/7, if son needed to piss, one of them watched him, he slept on the floor of the parents room etc. About a week of that and the kid straightened up for now. good luck! |
Ask your Dad what did he do with you? I don't know man, 13 of course is a hard age. Then again, my 9 year old is starting some pretty serious stuff so..... All I can do is wish you the best of luck. |
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I doubt he will change his ways until he has a change in scenery. BTW, I taught middle schoolers for two years at an alternative school. I'm now teaching mostly at-risk middle schoolers in the Dallas area. In general, middle schoolers are the walking personification of stupid. As long as he is around the same people, he will act the same. I decided to let my troubled son work things out without much intervention. He died at age 17. Do anything you can to save him from bad kids, drugs, and the worst of all, a loser mentality. He might benefit from a psych work up. Depression in kids is not uncommon. All too often there was a triggering event that the parents don't know about. Have him tested from drugs. |
+1 I got a good, decent whoopin' on a regular basis & probably didn't get as many as I deserved............  Nothing wrong with a spanking when a kid is a brat, IMO. Goodness knows many teachers would appreciate it if more parents would do so, IMO. My .o2 |
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They are all pretty much like that at that age. 14 is even worse. We are using the The Total Transformation Program with our 14yo. You learn how to handle the anger, cussing, acting out and other bad behavior. Basically, you learn to control behavior. Who cares about attitude, teens are moody. It is getting better, slowly. |
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Give the kid a break, he's at a rough and confusing time in his life. He's not a boy any more but not quite a man. His hormones are raging and he's not sure WTF is going on there. He's trying to spread his wings a little bit, seeing how far he can fly before Dad reels him back in. Show him. No need for violence. No need to bring the man into his life. Just reel him in a little bit. You might want to take a long, hard whats below while you're at it.
Ever go to a practice? His Dad standing on the sidelines yelling SACK THE SOB! would be worth a million bucks to him. Basketball? Ever play one on one with him? Knock him on his ass there. It will get his attention WAY better than spanking him like a little kid. Fishing? Camping? Shoot the AR? Build a model together? Go to the mall and check out asses? He's crying out and YOU AREN'T LISTENING! |
I go to practice when I can... But yet you are right, I need to be there ALOT more. I take him shooting as much as I can, he really enjoys it and even has "his own" AR that I have let him configure to his liking. We hunt, fish, camp as much as we can (but this year with all the changes in our family structure we havent been able to get around much) As stated, I saw this issue and addressed it, I am able to work from home full time in December so i will be much more flexible, but like tonight I am waitng for Reports to finsh so I am still setting at the office...
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Child Protective Services has some "limits" too. Be careful with pushing ass beatings too far. Spend more time with the boy...while you can. Kids are only kids for a short time. Change your budget if need be and make it happen. |