Posted: 3/18/2011 6:51:16 PM EDT
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So my wife and I are adopting my sister in law's 4 year old. SIL is a mess and has been for a long time. We are parents to a great 14 year old. Tips? Warnings? Observations?
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How far are you planning on going with it? Last name change, restraining order against the mother?
Lawyers are going to take you through the ringer. Be sure to get the kid some counseling if any issues arise. There should be no stigma placed on getting mental health care, being proactive now will be much easier than dealing with them when the child is a teenager. Good luck OP, sounds like you're giving the kid a much better life. |
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Good luck.
F'd up SIL will always be "mommy" but, if you guys can give the little one a better environment to grow-up in it's a good thing. A few years back my sweetie and I took her (then 14yr old) grand daughter in (Her folks were absolute, white-trash disasters) and managed to get her through High School and into College (Animal husbandry). She was on the fast track to a baby at 16 and life as a minimum wage earner before. Good on you OP. |
| As long as SIL doesn't try to hijack the situation, That's a great age, in the sense that you and your wife can mold and influence easily. A lot of love and nurturing should get the little fella on track. My hat's off to you and your wife, good job and good luck. Now when you getting them an AR? |
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As long as SIL doesn't try to hijack the situation, That's a great age, in the sense that you and your wife can mold and influence easily. A lot of love and nurturing should get the little fella on track. My hat's off to you and your wife, good job and good luck. Now when you getting them an AR? Quoted the wrong post |
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I only know of one actual situation like this and let's just say no good deed goes unpunished. Very true in our situation as well. The best of luck to you. The advice on some counseling and mental health assistance is a very good tip. How so ? Not going to change my situation or mind but I am interested in what you have to say. |
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Had one finalized this year. The Lawyer is going to gang rape you, no matter what. Read the adoption laws for your state. You might be able to file the paperwork yourself. It's really pretty straight forward. If you don't you can still keep tabs on your lawyer. I caught mine trying to file needless petitions and had to stop him. For 2010 and 2011 adoption expenses are a tax credit that is refundable up to 13170 dollars. That means if it goes through before the end of next year you get 13,170 back in a refund. All total mine cost about 22K (guess who got most of it) and everyone was in as agreaable as can be. Your situation will be very similar. There are just a ton of legal hurdles to cross... Homestudies and so on. Use the services the state provides... They will probably provide a homestudy for free. I didn't go that route and the judge ordered a state homestudy anyway, 3K totally wasted. IM me if you want to discuss more. |
| My "sister" is adopted. Similar deal, my cousin screwed up his life and had a kid he was far from able to take care of. My parents have had custody of her since she was about 3 months old (5 years now). First off if the biological parents fight it, be prepared for a loooong ordeal. The courts, DCF and just about anybody else involved with our case seemed hellbent on keeping the family together despite repeated arrests, domestic violence, positive drug test by both parents. My sister was 2 or 3 before my parents officially adopted her. If your in the Tampa area I can recommend an excellent lawyer. On the positive side you should get about a $10000 tax credit and the adopted child gets a very good scholarship similar to Bright Futures. I cant comment on how to handle the kid as my sister still doesnt know, but if you have any questions feel free to PM me. |
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I only know of one actual situation like this and let's just say no good deed goes unpunished. Very true in our situation as well. The best of luck to you. The advice on some counseling and mental health assistance is a very good tip. How so ? Not going to change my situation or mind but I am interested in what you have to say. The family member who took the children [it was 2 girls] was demonized by other family members who thought they should be the one to get the kids. This was a clean break with no visitation granted to the birth mother. She had lost custody as she had with the 2 kids she had before these and they were about to be split up and lost to the system forever. Family member was ASKED by the BM to take these girls to "save" them. That was fine for awhile. Until she cleaned up "again" for the birth of her 5th child and decided maybe she did want to be a mother. Accusations of abuse filed by family members against the adoptive parents in two states with CPS. Thankfully those same agencies had been involved from the beginning and the girls were under the care of mental health. Numerous in-home visits were part of the process, and with the help of some truly awesome people this nonsense was stopped before it could hurt anyone. No good deed goes unpunished. . It has driven my family apart. And it wasn't in that great of shape to begin with. None of it really has shit to do with me, I get left alone because I do not possess a sense of humor. But, it sucked to watch really good, sober, kindhearted people get jerked around for trying to do the right thing. . Thats why I asked about CPS. I do not invite the man into my life but in this instance it was a good thing they were involved heavily with these agencies. Those folks knew immediatly the accusations were bullshit. . |
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I only know of one actual situation like this and let's just say no good deed goes unpunished. Very true in our situation as well. The best of luck to you. The advice on some counseling and mental health assistance is a very good tip. How so ? Not going to change my situation or mind but I am interested in what you have to say. The family member who took the children [it was 2 girls] was demonized by other family members who thought they should be the one to get the kids. This was a clean break with no visitation granted to the birth mother. She had lost custody as she had with the 2 kids she had before these and they were about to be split up and lost to the system forever. Family member was ASKED by the BM to take these girls to "save" them. That was fine for awhile. Until she cleaned up "again" for the birth of her 5th child and decided maybe she did want to be a mother. Accusations of abuse filed by family members against the adoptive parents in two states with CPS. Thankfully those same agencies had been involved from the beginning and the girls were under the care of mental health. Numerous in-home visits were part of the process, and with the help of some truly awesome people this nonsense was stopped before it could hurt anyone. No good deed goes unpunished. . It has driven my family apart. And it wasn't in that great of shape to begin with. None of it really has shit to do with me, I get left alone because I do not possess a sense of humor. But, it sucked to watch really good, sober, kindhearted people get jerked around for trying to do the right thing. . Thats why I asked about CPS. I do not invite the man into my life but in this instance it was a good thing they were involved heavily with these agencies. Those folks knew immediatly the accusations were bullshit. . That is heavy. I have tried to protect us as best as possible. We love this kid. |
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Hey man, you do what is in your heart. For real on that. Even after all they have been through they would not change a thing. Humbling to see folks do what is right even though it costs them dearly. I'm just saying, cover your ass.
. . And with that I am done for the night. |
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I only know of one actual situation like this and let's just say no good deed goes unpunished. Very true in our situation as well. The best of luck to you. The advice on some counseling and mental health assistance is a very good tip. How so ? Not going to change my situation or mind but I am interested in what you have to say. Well, In the case I know of, mom was a POS and on drugs. She probably took drugs the whole time she was pregnant. Which didn't help her child to say the least. As an infant he was adopted to family. At first it was ok, like any other child. The family that adopted him was a couple in their late 40's who had raised their kids. When jr started elementary school, he was diagnosed with all the problems of a kid from a drug abusing mom. He was out of control and put on behavioral meds. This seemed to help for a while. In jr high he figured out that his mom abandoned him. That's when he started stealing cars and breaking into people's homes. Drinking and drugs were also part of the mix. The people who adopted him had no experience with this. Their kids were "normal" and never gave them problems. They weren't rich, just middle class. Jr was in court a lot. The tried counseling, and rehab after rehab. Nothing worked, it just got worse. They financially ruined themselves trying to get this kid straightened out. He stopped going to school or was asked to leave, I'm not sure which. Got in fights at the drop of a hat, anger issues, ect. They ended up kicking him out of the house at 18. He refused to get a job. He still came by now and then. To steal from them. At 19 or 20 he committed suicide. The family that adopted him will be paying bills for about 10 more years. Restitution, lawyers, rehab, counseling are not cheap. They mortgaged their house, that was paid off, to pay for all jr's bills. They are now in their late 60's and have no chance to retire anytime soon. Hopefully everything will work out for you. Just realize that this decision has the potential to ruin your life. |
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I only know of one actual situation like this and let's just say no good deed goes unpunished. Very true in our situation as well. The best of luck to you. The advice on some counseling and mental health assistance is a very good tip. How so ? Not going to change my situation or mind but I am interested in what you have to say. Well, In the case I know of, mom was a POS and on drugs. She probably took drugs the whole time she was pregnant. Which didn't help her child to say the least. As an infant he was adopted to family. At first it was ok, like any other child. The family that adopted him was a couple in their late 40's who had raised their kids. When jr started elementary school, he was diagnosed with all the problems of a kid from a drug abusing mom. He was out of control and put on behavioral meds. This seemed to help for a while. In jr high he figured out that his mom abandoned him. That's when he started stealing cars and breaking into people's homes. Drinking and drugs were also part of the mix. The people who adopted him had no experience with this. Their kids were "normal" and never gave them problems. They weren't rich, just middle class. Jr was in court a lot. The tried counseling, and rehab after rehab. Nothing worked, it just got worse. They financially ruined themselves trying to get this kid straightened out. He stopped going to school or was asked to leave, I'm not sure which. Got in fights at the drop of a hat, anger issues, ect. They ended up kicking him out of the house at 18. He refused to get a job. He still came by now and then. To steal from them. At 19 or 20 he committed suicide. The family that adopted him will be paying bills for about 10 more years. Restitution, lawyers, rehab, counseling are not cheap. They mortgaged their house, that was paid off, to pay for all jr's bills. They are now in their late 60's and have no chance to retire anytime soon. Hopefully everything will work out for you. Just realize that this decision has the potential to ruin your life. Very sad. Thanks for your response. I know that there are no guarantees on anyones future. We think we have something to offer this child so that she has some chance at a "normal" future. |
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My parents adopted a kid when i left home at 18. I'm now 36 and she is now 18.
Other than being a completely useless, pain in the ass, spoiled, brat.... like all 18 year olds, As a baby, she was born addicted to crack and was as premature as is humanly possible and still come out normal. She was about 2 pounds when she was born. She has been a typical kid. She is in college and doing her best to live a normal life. She has always known she is adopted but I don't think she ever really struggled with that fact. She has two grown siblings (myself and my older sister) who make decent money, and 2 parents that are more like grandparents, so she feels like she can call 4 people and between the four of us she can get whatever she wants.... typical spoiled kid.... but well adjusted... I can't say we have ever had any issues. ETA: On the adoption thing, when the state was acting up about lawyers and studies, someone told my parents to file for foster home status, since the child was already living with them. Once "they" began to see all the money they were going to be paying them as foster parents, all the problems resolved quickly. |
| Just adopted a child from a family member here in Florida myself. Was pretty cheap and straight forward. Since the child is within the third step of a family member there will be no home study. My lawyer charged $1800 for everything. Had the final adoption hearing Thursday. Now you have to be careful until the final adoption hearing and hope the Mother does not want the child back because she can take her back at any time until the final hearing. So be very cool with her until it's over. |
| I don't know how it is in FL, but in PA you would be able to get services called Child Prep and some different post adoption services. I would recommend looking into both. The child will most likely begin to have questions and those services may be able to help you answer those questions. There are a lot of books out there geared towards younger children that will also be benefactor. I would recommend not hiding the fact that the child is adopted and don't "erase" the mom from the child's past and instead help the child learn that all families look different. |