[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Advice (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 12/27/2007 8:17:11 AM EDT
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Need a bit of advice from the collective. 7 or so weeks ago, I noticed the wife was being odd, she seemed distracted and distant. After several weeks of asking what was wrong, I pinned her down on it 2 weeks ago. She told me that she did not love me like a wife should love a husband, etc., and that she was confused as to who she was and what she wanted. I was pretty well floored, having never seen it coming. I also found 3 days after that, she had been chatting online, emailing, and talking to another guy for the past 6-7 weeks, the same timeline as when she went cold. I searched the phone records and she has had multiple conversations lasting 2+ hours with him, and emails I found had the tone of boyfriend/girlfriend, but without sex talk. I only found 3 but know there are a multitude more on her work PC. I confronted her and she stated that she cares about him, that she has a deep connection with him and is very comfortable. I told her that I would not put up with that and she said she would tell him she needed space so she could figure things out. Unfortunately, I found out on Christmas night that she had sent him somethings in the mail such a stocking and gifts. Everywhere I look and everything I read tells me she is having an affair, what do I do? We have been together 9 years, married for 5, this is devestating for me and I don't have a clue of where to take it? Any advice out there? |
| How old are the two of you? Do you have kids? If you don't have kids then separate your financial assets (close joint accounts and lines of credit) and prepare for divorce. You don't have to go through with it if things work out, but you're a lot less screwed than if your wife files first. |
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downward spiral sounds like she is on the way out and just hasn't firmed up new living conditions yet You can beg and plead with her to go to counseling with you and maybe save it if she wants to you can take all the evidence and get a good lawyer and fire a first strike |
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This is as much as an affair as a sexual one, she obviously has an emotional connection with this guy, wiether anything else is going on or not. This has bad for you written all over it. I would try and get some help for the both of you, someone yall can talk to. As bad as it sounds keep tabs on her too, she is showing that she is not trustworthy. ...Saying all that with only one side of the story |
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First of all, i am very sorry because I know this has to suck for you. I think you know the kind of responses you will get here, and by posting you probably know that this group is pretty right on with this stuff. She is probably cheating, even if she hasn't it doesn't sound like it is going to end well. I would keep the evidence around for the divorce. Good luck. |
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Wow sorry for what you are going through!! I have seen this situation time and time again. She IS having an affair no doubt about that. May haven't gotten physical yet but the emotions are there, to me that has always been worse, the emotional cheating. I personally would tell her to get her shit and go stay somewhere, clear her head, have some time on her own to figure out what she wants. Trust me, her online affair will not be all it's chalked up to be once she meets this guy if she hasn't already. It's all about the mystery of it and bla bla. But it doesn't mean you should be there for her to fall back on. Once again, sorry for this shit, spend some time with the boys, have some drinks, and clear your head too. Good luck. |
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Internet is a wondorous thing. Men and women both seem to think that just because they 'chat' on the Net that they have some kind of magnetic connection like they have never known before. They don't sit back to think about if the person they are talking to is spinning them a bunch of bullshit or not. Then, when they decide that this incredible bond they have is worth drop kicking their significant other out the door for, they may go a couple months of unknown happiness and then the realities of the day-to-day stuff kicks in. This is more so if they have left kids behind. This is a shitstorm in the making for both of you. If the dipshit she is chatting with is spinning her a bunch of crap then she is going to be one sorry individual eventually. If he is Mr Wonderful, then maybe she'll end up finding out who she really is and what she wants. You, in the meantime, move onto a newer model and have a ball. |
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Once a cheater always a cheater. You might not have the physcial proof but she is cheating on you. My ex-fiance did something similar but always maintained it was "he is just a friend" even when she "got drunk and things just happend". Your wife is telling you he is more than a friend. She's created the sitaution and now it's time for you to take care of your self and get out of that situation. Don't tell her what you are doing or thinking. Find a lawyer, move your assets and firearms out of your possession, hand her the paper, and get her out of the house as fast as you can. |
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Welp'.....I know 4 people who followed that same 'path' , 3 thought they could 'save' their marriage and got burnt in the end. One went nuclear right after 'The Talk', he got the House, kids, and pretty much everything he wanted. Get every scrap of evidence you can find and have a 'consultation visit' with every good Divorce Attny. within 100 miles of you to pollute the 'waters' so to speak. Then pick a good one and strike hard, strike fast. How you react now will have a direct bearing on the 'quality of life' for you in the future. |
That's crazy advice. I would have her shit packed and waiting at the curb the same day. There is a limit to how much abuse a man has to take off a woman and she went way over that line. Way way way over. |
Immediately. Print out, save all of the evidence. If possible, back it up however you can to save it on the computer. Secure all of your personal papers and financial records in a safe deposit box. Talk with a family law atty today. Your wife is in love with another man. Period. Sure she is stupid and messed up. She will learn just how messed up she is later on, but that is not your concern. Get on the phone with an attorney immediately and follow his/her instructions on what to do next. There's ten million ways to mess things up for yourself and only one course of action that will get things safely in order for you: You NEED a lawyer. There is no telling what sort of subterfuge she has already done in the direction of going off to live happily ever after in la-la land with the love of her life.  condolences. |
I would tell her that we were going to have to work on our relationship, what did I do wrong, how can we patch things up, let's don't do anything rash, I want to work this out, etc. Meanwhile, I would hire a lawyer and PI and document her infidelity. Then I would pack up her shit, serve her with the divorce papers, change the door locks, start looking for a new woman, all on the same day. Nobody says a woman has to love a man forever, but she does have the obligation of being honest with him. She has not been honest. |
| Go out right now and put the five best attorneys in your city on retainer. The best one for yourself, the other four so she can't have them. This seems cold, especially if you still have feelings for her, but make no mistake, you're headed for divorce and divorce is no time to be nice. |
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If you want to try and work it out, go for it. But protect yourself at the same time: - print out copies of emails; save them in electrons as well - get receipts of items she bought him and sent as gifts - can you afford a PI for some sruveillance? - have an initial chat with a lawyer - make sure you have some cash she doesn't know about (escape fund) |
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Sounds very similar to my story. We are now separated and waiting the appropriate amount of time until we can be divorced. My advice to you. Start establishing some bank accounts that are in your name only. If you have any money that is solely "yours" put it in the new accounts. If you don't know the divorce laws in your state hire an attorney asap and find out how to best protect yourself. Save all those records you found in case they are needed. She sounds like she has a case of "the grass is greener" mentality. Not much you can do about it except let her make her own mistakes and find out the grass really is not greener, just different for a while, eventually turning out to be like any other grass. |
Which part? |
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Same thing happened to me. At the time I was crushed. Hindsight, it was the BEST thing she ever did to me. 1. Made me grow up 2. opened the door for me to marry the greatest woman in the world. Caveat: Waiting to hear if the OP has kids... if so.. THAT REALLY SUCKS! 
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Waiting as well to find out if there are kids involved.... If not. Talk to an attorney ASAP. Also, print out the emails and phone records and try to "persuade" her into a simple divorce and tell her if she fights you, you will bury her with your evidence. As far as emotions... fuck her man. She is not worth a single minute more of your time. |
the red part how long could you tolerate someone spitting in your face? there are some things that are simply intolerable |
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1. Get/print your evidence 2. Empty all bank accounts, close all credit cards, etc. 3. Get to an attorney today and file on her ass. It's gonna be hard, since she's your wife and I'm sure you loved her very much up until this point. The fact is she has or is get ready to leave; and if she doesn't leave, neither of you will be happy. Strike first and strike hard. Divorce is a bitch, and the system completely favors women. You need to do everything you can to ensure you don't walk out of this completely fucked. |
Do you have children? |
I do and I lived with a cheating whore for a while because I thought it best it caused them more damage than a divorce did/would |
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Ah, no, OP should not leave, especially if he has kids. The wife should leave. The OP and the kids, if any, should remain in the house. |
FTW bubbles |
Follow this advice AND romance her into a position where her guard is down. Send her flowers. Tell her you'll fight to keep her, you'll prove to her you are the better man. Hell even tell her you want to renew your wedding vows. When you have your ducks linear, change the locks, get a restraining order and have her served at work. |
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WHY dear god WHY... i'm sorry for your predicament. but with all that info, you know deep down that you should go into ARFCOM divorce survival mode. you know the drill.. lawyers bank accounts.. etc..etc... you wife is about to clean you out..for the guy who got the christmas stockings..( HERS) |
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Sorry this is happening to you, dude. Now comes the ugly advice from helping out my son who came back from a second tour in Iraq to find out his doting wifey was doing the same thing: Follow the steps, re:, the lawyer, evidence, bank accounts, etc. If she has somewhere to go (relatives, best friends, etc.), change the locks on the door. NOW. Call your local telephone company and change your phone number. Both the one for your home and the one for your cell. That way she cannot contact you. Next, don't be seen with her at any time whatsoever from here on out. This is the important part. In AK our domestic violence laws are draconian. If you are with her, she has a chance to say you threatened or intimidated her. The accusation is enough for her to get a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order). Then you get to go to a hearing, explain your part while your soon-to-be-ex-wife sobs her eyes out and lies about the hideous human being you are and how she's afraid for her life. He, after all, spends all his time on web sites talking to people about guns . . . Go to the local Best Buy and get the best, longest-recording digital audio recorder you can afford. Make sure that they can help you with a connection that will synch up with both your home and cell phones. Record each and every conversation with her. Seriously. Ingoing and outgoing. Be sure to use your natural voice. There's a tendency in some people to change their tone when they know they're being recorded. Save this to your hard drive AND to a CD/RW. Keep the CD/RW at work so she cannot access it. Here's the hitch: in AK only one party to a phone or in-person conversation needs permission (that's usually the recorder). You need to check this law in your state. If she wants to meet, only do it in a public place and have at least two witnesses in the background to watch what is occurring. Record this also. The recorder can go in a pocket behind a light fleece sweater, which is pretty close to acoustically transparent. Turn it on before you walk into the building and describe the date, time and purpose of the meeting while you're walking in. Do the same on the way out. If you don't understand by now, it's simple. Today's domestic violence laws favor the wife. Wives with good divorce lawyers or access to Angry Wives' web sites know how to set you up for a felony. That's what domestic violence is in many states. Worse: once you get hammered with this while you're snivvelling that you want your wife back or miss the good old days, you'll kiss your gun rights, future employment, and many other things goodbye. Don't talk to other people concerning what your wife has done, how you feel or what you're doing. Your backbiting (that's how everyone on her side will describe it in court) will only serve as another item in your "pattern of abuse" and serve to further tighten the noose around your neck. Your mind is on your hurt and her betrayal right now. Time to suck it up. She's screwed you, but she isn't the same sweetheart who is in all your memories. Once she realizes just exactly what she needs to fulfill her fantasy with these guys, she's going to let nothing get in her way to acquire it. And if you're in the way, she'll not hesitate to shoot you in the heart as it were to get what she wants. If she suddenly snaps into reality and wants to make it work with you, that's okay, but do it on your terms (that are agreeable to both of you). Professional counseling. Perhaps with a priest or pastor might help, but don't bank on it. If she's been out on the internet trolling for guys, and managed to snag a couple AND managed to sent Christmas presents to him, she's either exceptionally confused or exceptionally screwed. It's the Holidays, but don't delay. Do this stuff NOW. It's like fixing an issue with bad timing on your daily driver or a leak in the roof. Delay and it will only get worse. I feel for you, but you have to protect yourself. |
BTDT, like all have said, game over. - sever your emotions - cancel credit cards, direct deposits, and separate bank accounts - MOVE YOUR GUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!111!!! - sever your emotions She's going to cry and she's going to say she "feels bad", but she's already gone. Use that to your advantage. 
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There's a pattern in these posts, Bronson. Time to man up. Get hard. Protect number one. You're in a battle now for your freedom whether or not you want to believe it. This isn't extreme. It's fact. The best defense is a good offense. Get on the offensive, get the locks changed, get the bank accounts changed, cancel the plastic, change your phone numbers. Let your boss know this is happening and that you're doing everything you can to keep things quiet and above board -- and that you want to keep this away from the office. Get it done and get it done now. You can cry and have a pity party later. The time is now to keep yourself from getting pooch-screwed. |
I suggest, have a sit down talk with your wife and look for the root cause of the problem in your marriage. There is something lacking in your marriage that she eventually cheated on you. Always remember, women are very emotional complex creatures. Good luck man, you're going to need it and keep your affairs in order. :} |
yes I would simply explain to them that mommy is a lying whore so daddy got rid of her, but don't worry because the new mommy is going to be younger and prettier than the old mommy. that should take of it. seriously, there are some things that are just intolerable. in-fucking-tolerable good luck |
the key missing ingredient is a complete lack of personal honesty on the woman's part. that is a deal killer. not much this guy is going to do about that. if a woman said to me, "I will cheat on you unless you figure out what is missing from our marriage", I would simply walk upstairs to her closet and start packing her shit up for her. life is hard, marriage is tricky. it's not my job to make someone else be honest. |
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Has she even MET this guy in person? If not, you two (especially her) need some counseling, FAST! These kind of things go screwy very quickly, once they meet eye to eye. Online "romances" almost never last. If you have a marriage worth saving, it is time for the two of you to get together and save it. She's gotten herself into a romantic tangle, thinking she loves some man she's never even seen. It's easy to do (happened to me with a girl 800 miles away!) and the meeting just never is as good as the fantasy. |
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Fuck her. Fuck her hard. Fuck her hard until you are happy with the outcome. She's already left the marriage. She is fucking using you for a room mate until she find a new place to go to. She has lied to you. She is lying to you. She will continue to lie to you until she has what she wants. She does not want you. She doesn't even like or respect you any more. If she did she would not be doing what she is doing. Do not kid your fucking self into thinking it will work. Ever. Sorry to tell you it is fucking over. Repeat it several dozen times until it all runs into a mantra. IT IT OVER! IT IS OVER! IT IS OVER! IT IS OVER! IT IS OVER! You do not want to be living with this woman until she fins better and brother believe me when I say that she will not stop looking. Fuck her. Fuck her hard. Fuck her hard until you are happy with the outcome. |
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Don't bail. Fight. You need to get out in front of this situation if you're going to save your marriage. Find a good church that will work with you. Find out who this guy is and confront him about it. Don't get aggressive, just let him know that you're fighting for your marriage. Who knows - she may be lying to him - she's deceiptful. Find out who his friends are and tell them he is seducing a married woman. Full court press. if nothing else, it will break up their relationship and give yours a chance. Let this be a lesson to you fools who would mess with a married woman. |