Posted: 7/26/2016 10:48:58 AM EDT
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...continuing my saga from the Father's Day post. Cliff notes: Mom passed in 2012 and my Dad began dating recently--aka chasing every woman in the Southeast that'll talk to him via the internet. More or less has abandoned his family when he met the newest internet floosie (about six months ago). He actually chose to spend Father's Day with this woman and her son instead of coming to the annual dinner I've been doing for him. Backstory, my Father was a raging alcoholic nearly the first 7 years of my life. My Mom, God rest her soul, told him to shape up or GTH out. Since then, to my knowledge, not a drop.
Well I found out that when dating these women, he's been wining and dining them. I gave him hell about it, nicely, but told him that drinking was not okay. He claimed it was just a sip and that the women were the ones drinking. Fast forward to last night, my niece went up to his cabin where he lives and found a large 1.8l empty bottle of Jack Daniels and a couple wine bottles empty and laying around. So at this point I'm unsure whether to say anything else or not. He's pretty much been one of those "I'll do what I want" people, so pushing is going to have to be carefully done. I cannot tell whether some internet whore got her hooks in him and is controlling his access to his family, I haven't heard from him 3 times in the last 3-4 months and that was to answer some tax question for this new woman. The drinking is a real problem, given that it appears he's drinking hard liquor and lots of it. He's one of those 'fix it for ya' type people who are really subject to people who have 'issues' and need some white knight to come swooping in to save them. He needs to be fixing someone constantly and since our family has all grown up and married, he has no one to fix. Any thoughts? I'm really and truly at a loss as to what to do. On one hand he's a grown butt adult and if he wants to drink and ingore his family for some internet whore, so be it. On the other hand, I am really concerned that this woman might be a world class con artist internet whore who is driving him towards a revived life of dependency, controlling his access to his family and planning to bleed him dry. When Mom passed, she killed the family with her. |
| Sorry to hear that. Probably going to just have to let him live his life. My dad passing in 2011 destroyed our family. He was the only one holding it together. My mom remarried a toothless and homeless drug addict felon that she met one day on the street. No longer have anything to do with her. |
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Try to talk to him about it. Once. Be nice. Do it with love, and DO NOT allow yourself to get angry. He probably won't listen, of course. Then you need to leave the situation alone. When his problems get worse, and he's gone someday, you can say that you tried. |
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Sorry to hear that OP. Alcohol sucks.
My dad is an alcoholic and has been all his life. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, fought, and done everything under the sun to get him to stop, but it's all been for nothing. His sister (also an alcoholic) died a few months ago from kidney and liver failure and he's only been drinking more. I love him to death, but I expect him to be dead in 5 years. It sucks, but he's made his choice. The only one that can overcome alcoholism is the alcoholic, and if that person has no desire to change, then it's a lost cause. Something that I've read about Alcoholism that I think is spot on: -You didn't cause it -You can't control it -You can't cure it One last thing regarding family: Family is overrated. True family is who you choose to surround yourself with, not whom you share a common ancestor with. |
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Something that I've read about Alcoholism that I think is spot on: -You didn't cause it -You can't control it -You can't cure it This right here The alcoholic will seek out help when and only when they are ready. You can try the nice approach, you can try tough love, but until THEY are ready, all of your efforts will be wasted. Alcoholism is not only an individual disease it is a family disease. It will effect the way you deal with things, it will effect your relationships, it will effect your well being, even if you aren't the one drinking. The only option you have is to disassociate yourself from the situation and don't take part in the insanity that will ensue in his life. As soon as you attempt to intervene, you are trying to control it, and that leads to bad things for you. |
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Your Moms gone. No one can replace her. Don't ruin it with your Dad. Dad needs to go on with his life. It's already ruined with dad, and it's dad who ruined it, not OP. Cut ties and be there if he gets sober again. Or not. There's no need to forgive if OP doesn't feel like it. But for now, cut all ties. |
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First, sorry about your mother.
If my father were alive and believe me I wish he was, I would never consider cutting ties. That's fucking horrible advice if you deep down love him. Maybe he's dealing his own way. Call him, go say hi, hug him and tell him you love him because tomorrow your dad may be gone too. Cut ties because life got to him? ffs, he may need help. |
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you're the only person who can accurately assess the situation and respond accordingly.
shame on you for going to the internet for advice from people you dont know (ie, they could be tremendously fucked up their self) about a situation in which they only have partial knowledge (you are the only one who has your experience with your father). all you're going to get in this thread is opinions and an uninformed ones at that. |
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First, sorry about your mother. If my father were alive and believe me I wish he was, I would never consider cutting ties. That's fucking horrible advice if you deep down love him. Maybe he's dealing his own way. Call him, go say hi, hug him and tell him you love him because tomorrow your dad may be gone too. Cut ties because life got to him? ffs, he may need help. So where do you draw the line between a nice man who needs help and a PoS who's beyond reach and is fucking up your life with his? At some point, family members who hurt you too much are on their own until they pull their heads out of their asses. |
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Well, you are concerned and you at least need to let him know. if you haven't already.
I would like to recommend Overcomer's Outreach. It is like Alcoholics Anonymous but is a Christian 12-step program if there's one around your area. Not saying its the be-all-end-all and not saying its the best program either. Best wishes. |
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So where do you draw the line between a nice man who needs help and a PoS who's beyond reach and is fucking up your life with his? At some point, family members who hurt you too much are on their own until they pull their heads out of their asses. Quoted:
Quoted:
First, sorry about your mother. If my father were alive and believe me I wish he was, I would never consider cutting ties. That's fucking horrible advice if you deep down love him. Maybe he's dealing his own way. Call him, go say hi, hug him and tell him you love him because tomorrow your dad may be gone too. Cut ties because life got to him? ffs, he may need help. So where do you draw the line between a nice man who needs help and a PoS who's beyond reach and is fucking up your life with his? At some point, family members who hurt you too much are on their own until they pull their heads out of their asses. Well, I start by not potentially calling a member's father a pos. And please explain how he's fucking op's life up? Never mind, I'm out. Op is worried his father is being taken advantage of by a woman/con artist and his drinking is clouding his better judgement. Op, Don't stop loving your dad or cut ties over this, he may just need help. Get the family together and have an intervention. Best of luck. |
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No, I'm definitely not looking to cut ties with him.
I have no issues with him moving on and even remarrying if that makes him happy. My #1 issue is that he has apparently thrown away 40 years of sobriety in his effort to chase some tail and--based on the JD bottle--drinking a lot of heavy stuff. Issue #2 that may be impossible to figure out is whether his behavior is a result of the alcohol or this woman. I've seen a couple people lose a spouse, find a new one who turned him/her against their current family....which is messed up. Well, what a mess. |
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you're the only person who can accurately assess the situation and respond accordingly. shame on you for going to the internet for advice from people you dont know (ie, they could be tremendously fucked up their self) about a situation in which they only have partial knowledge (you are the only one who has your experience with your father). all you're going to get in this thread is opinions and an uninformed ones at that. Shame on me? Get over yourself. I came here to get advice that might be good ideas from others who have experienced similar things or perhaps even a balance of perspective to my instincts. |
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Quoted:
Try to talk to him about it. Once. Be nice. Do it with love, and DO NOT allow yourself to get angry. He probably won't listen, of course. Then you need to leave the situation alone. When his problems get worse, and he's gone someday, you can say that you tried. This^^ and calmly and directly let him know when he bottoms out, you won't be around to help him out. Reading between the lines OP and not meaning to offend you, forget about the money, any inheritance , etc. It isn't worth the aggravation and arguing that you will endure trying to get your dad to wise up. Let him go. |
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Stay out of it. He's a grown man let him do as he pleases. Why would you even consider dragging someone else's drama into your life?
If he gets into trouble and asks for help or advise then you are free to council him as a condition of your help, until then, STAY OUT OF IT! |
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He's pretty much been one of those "I'll do what I want" people, so pushing is going to have to be carefully done. I cannot tell whether some internet whore got her hooks in him and is controlling his access to his family, I haven't heard from him 3 times in the last 3-4 months and that was to answer some tax question for this new woman. Sounds like you can't push, period, or your dad will just push back. Also WTF kind of tax questions is this woman asking? And if you're a CPA or tax pro, tell her to make an appointment and pay for your services like everyone else. The drinking is a real problem, given that it appears he's drinking hard liquor and lots of it. He won't stop until either he wants to or he dies. My mom was an alcoholic. December 2003 her doctor told her that if she didn't stop drinking then she would be dead in six months (I found that note in her records after she died). She made it eight months. |
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This^^ and calmly and directly let him know when he bottoms out, you won't be around to help him out. Reading between the lines OP and not meaning to offend you, forget about the money, any inheritance , etc. It isn't worth the aggravation and arguing that you will endure trying to get your dad to wise up. Let him go. Quoted:
Quoted:
Try to talk to him about it. Once. Be nice. Do it with love, and DO NOT allow yourself to get angry. He probably won't listen, of course. Then you need to leave the situation alone. When his problems get worse, and he's gone someday, you can say that you tried. This^^ and calmly and directly let him know when he bottoms out, you won't be around to help him out. Reading between the lines OP and not meaning to offend you, forget about the money, any inheritance , etc. It isn't worth the aggravation and arguing that you will endure trying to get your dad to wise up. Let him go. As far as I'm concerned, I hope his last act is to spend his last penny as his last act. I don't want his cash. That said, I don't want to hear it and will not be a landing spot when some woman takes him to the cleaners and he ends up losing things which he worked a lifetime for. |
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Stay out of it. He's a grown man let him do as he pleases. Why would you even consider dragging someone else's drama into your life? If he gets into trouble and asks for help or advise then you are free to council him as a condition of your help, until then, STAY OUT OF IT! This. Why would you want to tell a grown man what he should do? He's making his own decisions. Live with his decisions or leave him be. Reading all this I can't help imagine how my father would respond to his kid telling him what to do. If all I got was a 'mind your own business', I'd probably be lucky. |
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No, I'm definitely not looking to cut ties with him. I have no issues with him moving on and even remarrying if that makes him happy. My #1 issue is that he has apparently thrown away 40 years of sobriety in his effort to chase some tail and--based on the JD bottle--drinking a lot of heavy stuff. Issue #2 that may be impossible to figure out is whether his behavior is a result of the alcohol or this woman. I've seen a couple people lose a spouse, find a new one who turned him/her against their current family....which is messed up. Well, what a mess. You have issues with letting him do what makes him happy....can you not realize this? As long as it doesn't compromise the safety of your kids (like drunk granny picking kids up from school) leave him be....if he wants to nose dive his personal life you need to let him.....sadly |