Posted: 3/17/2012 3:48:40 PM EDT
Much as I dread it, I had to go to Wal-mart today. As I was getting out of my car I saw a poor litle old lady trip and fall over the cement curb. Well, I say poor, she only had $10 in her purse... |
yep, that was it....|
I didn't realize so many little old ladies on here would take offense, so I shall dispense with the jokes and tell you about my travels.... 1978 we had traveled to Africa, some little country that has probably changed names and leaders 20x by now. In the town was a good sized saloon/hotel in which we stayed, reminiscence of the one they show at the beginning of "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen" movie. One day I noticed an older gentleman sitting reading the paper in the saloon, and having nothing better I struck up a conversation with him. Now this guy could have been right out of movie casting, British accent, mutton chop sideburns, pith helmet, pipe, the works. He was, at that time, 72 years of age. I asked him about hunting lions, and he replied he had tried it once but never again. He said he had sighted in on the largest lion ever seen in that area, and fired a shot. The lion fled, but left a blood trail, and being an ethical man he said he felt compelled to finish the beast off and end the lion's sufferings. He went on to say that he traced the blood to a large clump of bushes, and I was on the edge of my seat (or bar stool as it were)....... "I walked up slowly to the clump of shrubs, finger at the ready on the trigger should the beast charge. I stepped ever closer until then in a blur of fur and teeth the lion jumped out of the bushes. ROOOOAAARRRRRRRRRR" The old hunter paused a second and then went on, "Well, I just shat myself...." I told him I imagine I would have done the same facing a charging beast such as the lion. He got a sad look in his eye and said softly, "No not then, just now when I went Roar....." |
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Portland Oregon 1987, I was working as a car man for the railroad. I took a small portable air bottle up to the main shop to air it up. I just finished putting 100 pounds of air into the tank, and started bullshittin' with some of the guys. Finally decided it was time to leave, and went to lift the tank, forgetting that with the air it now weighed a hundred pounds more. Ended up straining my starboard Fallopian tube. So now I am in the hospital after having under gone surgery to repair the tube, laying in bed, nauseous as hell from the anthesea. My stomach really starts rumbling and before I can even move, I mess the bed. Now here I am 25 years old and shitting the sheets like a damn infant. I was embarrassed as hell and decided to get rid of the evidence. My mind was still in a bit of a fog from being under, so it seemed like a good idea at the time. I gathered the sheets in a big ball and tossed them out the window. So I watch in horror as the sheets plummet 3 stories down and land right on top of a drunk sleeping in the alley. The drunk wakes up, which will happen when you get pummeled by soiled sheets, and he starts thrashing all about screaming bloody murder. All the time I am watching from above thinking how could this get any worse, when I hear my answer.... Foot steps running up the sidewalk. I see a hospital security guard turn the corner into the alley and shine his flash light on to the drunk, who is still intangled in the sheets. Now I am royally screwed and have no idea what to do next, so I pulled my head back in from the window and hid so they wouldn't look up and see me. Cowardly, yes, but what else could I do? So I am hidden, standing off to the side of the window when I hear the rent a cop. "What the hell is going on back here?" and in a shakey voice I hear the drunk reply, "I jus beat da shit outta dis ghost...." |
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Quoted:
I didn't realize so many little old ladies on here would take offense, so I shall dispense with the jokes and tell you about my travels.... 1978 we had traveled to Africa, some little country that has probably changed names and leaders 20x by now. In the town was a good sized saloon/hotel in which we stayed, reminiscence of the one they show at the beginning of "The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen" movie. One day I noticed an older gentleman sitting reading the paper in the saloon, and having nothing better I struck up a conversation with him. Now this guy could have been right out of movie casting, British accent, mutton chop sideburns, pith helmet, pipe, the works. He was, at that time, 72 years of age. I asked him about hunting lions, and he replied he had tried it once but never again. He said he had sighted in on the largest lion ever seen in that area, and fired a shot. The lion fled, but left a blood trail, and being an ethical man he said he felt compelled to finish the beast off and end the lion's sufferings. He went on to say that he traced the blood to a large clump of bushes, and I was on the edge of my seat (or bar stool as it were)....... "I walked up slowly to the clump of shrubs, finger at the ready on the trigger should the beast charge. I stepped ever closer until then in a blur of fur and teeth the lion jumped out of the bushes. ROOOOAAARRRRRRRRRR" The old hunter paused a second and then went on, "Well, I just shat myself...." I told him I imagine I would have done the same facing a charging beast such as the lion. He got a sad look in his eye and said softly, "No not then, just now when I went Roar....." I almost spat my water out.... |
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The boys and I went to Walmart today. I am on the hunt for some of that Federal 5.56 and figured since i had to go to town today I would check. A mile away I noticed a guy on a bicycle running red lights and really moving. Dude could ride. On a slight downhill stretch I paced that fucker at 40 MPH. Thats moving on a bike. But, he was running red lights and when we got to a main drag a car pulled up beside him, opened the door and must have said something about it.
Bike guy does not hesitate, spits on dude in the passenger seat of the car and shoves the door shut. Rides off about 50 ft and turns around to talk smack to the very pissed off car guy. At this point I notice that there are 2 little kids and a woman in the car. Real fancy. Both these idiots are puffed up in the street in front of the kids and 100's of cars driving by. Told my boy to wake up and pay attention, figuring its on. Nah. Car guys ole lady pulled up and talked him back into the car. Bike guy got back on and rode off. Closest I've seen to a random fight in awhile. No ammo. Cute enough lady at the sporting goods counter though. She knew shit about 420 packs of Federal 5.56. Fuckin Walmart. |
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