Posted: 4/17/2005 6:16:36 PM EDT
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As part of my orgy of household duties this weekend, I got a new microwave that color coordinates with my kitchen. It's black. After unpacking and placing it above my stove, i find myself flipping through my manual, my eyes barely catch the word "Bacon" hidden in the crevice near the bottom. I snicker to myself. No self-respecting man can not try this out. I am going to make some bad-ass bacon. I check the bachelor fridge. A trip to the store is in order to obtain necessary supplies. 7 hours later I am armed with 21 pounds of various meat products, a lime, six tomatoes, several peppers, a garlic, one red onion, a block of parmesean cheese and 8 liters of soda. And a bottle of wine for good measure. Of course this includes twelve ounces of store-brand "Extra Thick sliced Hickory Smoked Bacon"--a steal at $2.59. Meaty, grubbin' bacon just waiting to be nuked and eaten. There are special ways that people make bacon. I think they take a piece of pork, cure it with a mixture of heroin and crack for three days, and then let it sit in a hot box for a day before slicing and packaging it. That's why bacon is like the best thing on the planet some days, especially when you've been thinking about it all day and are hungry. I set out to prepare the most awesomest bacon ever. So the lame ass manual, it seems, recommends you use a bacon rack. Whatever. I have the otherwise eligible plate and paper towels they list. Check. I carefully, gently, and loving lay down a row of paper towels, followed by a bed of slices of cured pork, and finally, I carefully cuddle them up with another paper towel. Into the great and wondrous microwave they are then placed. At this point it becomes unclear how to make bacon. For some reason AutoCook wants options. Doesn't it realize I've put bacon in damnit? Sigh. I peruse the lame ass manual to check and see why it's not working. Ah. Press 'one' for bacon. Groovy. I press one. Nothing happens. The stupid waste of tree manual continues on the next page, telling me that I must tell it how many (from 2-6) slices I've placed in its belly. I press 4. That's all of the extra thick slices of lovingly made pork product I could fit on one paper plate. I press start, and away it goes, making me the most wondrous piece of cooked pig remains one could possibly hope for. There's 8 more slices to go, so I'm gonna be having bacon leftovers for like...a week. Maybe. Four minutes remain. The popping of my awesome bacon starts. Awesome. This is like the coolest thing ever. New toy, and it makes bacon. What more can a man ask for? After I chug down some liquid refreshment, the bacon is almost done. I count down with the microwave--3......2.......1! DONE!!! BACON!!!!! Wait. Waitafugginminuteherewhadafug? This is like...half-done crap? Why is my bacon only done in the middle? I am now perturbed. This is unsettling. My toy does not work as advertised. It must be defective. I mean wtf? I even READ the damn Manual!!! AND followed its instructions. I call the service number in the back to report a broken microwave. It seems that extra-thick sliced bacon is not cooked in the same amount of time as normal thick sliced bacon. Or something like that. Lame. I am subsequently informed that I can simply add 50% more time and decrease the power to 80% and try it, which should work. Sweet!!! I take the next four slices of beautiful pork product, and try again. Six minutes later, I am satisfied. My new toy is the bomb diggity. Bacon Rules. Life is good. |
HO---LY SHIT!
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If you microwave bacon, you get what you deserve. My wife tried that, I won't eat it. Microwaved bacon doesn't even look right. Stick it in a pan, crank the heat up, and back it down when the bacon starts to sizzle. By the way, you mentioned "bachelor" and "color coordinates" in the same sentence. |
Bacon and microwave .. sacrilege!
Ya know PE, THIS doesn't exactly help explain things. 
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| I have a microwave bacon cooker thingy...it was a square plate like device, with ridges and a moat around the outside to channel off the grease. It worked great for years, then one day, all of a sudden, I smelled something burning when I was cooking up a load of bacon. Seems the microwave "cooked" the center portion of the bacon plate...so now, that part no longer absorbs the heat. So, the center 2 slices don't get any where near as done as the rest...makes the whole process a pain in the ass now. It used to be 6 slices of West Virginia brand thick sliced bacon, six minutes, done to perfection. |
Concur on both points. Bacon needs to be cooked in a pan. Second, bachelor and color coordinates are incongruous with one another. You're a guy, act like it. 
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That's where I stopped reading b/c I fell out of my chair. I thought there was some unwritten rule that prevents men from reading any kind of instructions or appliance manuals? Somebody please explain this to me if I'm wrong so I can set some things straight in my household. 
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They make some good turkey bacon. I recommend Wilshire (sp?) brand turkey bacon, distributed through Trader Joe's. Very good and very lowfat (per slice, only 1% RDA fat and 0% RDA saturated fat). Yes, I do microwave it now and again because I hate getting up in the morning and I only have like 10 minutes to make breakfast and eat it before running out the door! I find that 1 minute per slice (in my Sharp 1,100 watt oven) gets them slightly crispy, which is just right for me. |
Broiler pans are two level affairs. While the bacon rests on the slotted top part all the grease ( or rather the majority of it ) all goes into the pan. Set the oven rack to the top or second from the top posistion and set oven to broil. The top element turn on instead of the bottom, baking element 
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Appliances have manuals?? No shit??
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I knew it...<shaking head> |
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Bacon, Yes the ultimate man food. I make it in the oven on a cast iron grill. 350 degrees until it looks done. Make 10 slices Beat 3 extra large eggs and 1.5 cup milk in bowl. Add 4 slices crumbled bacon and 15 crushed saltine crackers Season w/salt,pepper, maybe a dash of onion flakes. Cook...in cast iron skillet... in bacon grease, 'til done. Serve with buttered toast and remaining bacon. Serves 2, generously! Honest to god manfood! Your Dr. would have a coniption !! Don in Ohio |