Posted: 12/4/2008 12:31:01 AM EDT
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I have been in EMS for just over ten yearsn now during which time I have seen a few things. Some good, most bad. It never really bothered me but lately there are a few calls that I just can't get past.
I dont wanna sound like a big pussy, but I can't even sleep these days and when I do, I dream about work. We have all been on those calls where someone is going to die no matter what we do. I hate that feeling of being helpless. All of my dreams seem to be about me being in a situation in which I am helpless. My most recent situation in which I was helpless was a head on mva where the back seat passenger was asleep when the accident happened. He was wearing a lap belt only. This happened 20 miles from town and of course the helicopter was not available. The patient was only 40 years old and had severe abdominal and chest trauma. Once we got en route and I could see him in the light, he looked really bad. He was concious and talking to me asking me not to let him die while complaining of increasing sob with virtually absent breathsounds bilaterally. Long story short, he bought himself bilat needle decompressions, an I/O , ultimately was intubated. He coded about half way there. I was informed later by the trauma surgeon that he had bilat hemo/pneumos, perforated diaphragm, and his liver was in pieces. I know that this man was going to die and that we did the best we could for him. I know the outcome was determined before I even got the call. I have had a few calls like this lately and I just feel helpless no matter what I do. The lack of sleep and bad dreams are just starting to bug me. Another weird thing is that I can sleep better at the station than at home. WTF is that all about? Anyways, I just thought I would see what you guys thought. Maybe I am just being a big pussy. |
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Though I'm not in your line of work, I know that we all have those calls. Sometimes, there's just not shit you can do, even though you try your best. It must be worse for EMS because you deal with the emotion of the the incident more than us cops do.
I also have work related dreams from time to time, but I have found a fix for them. I, like many others, get the "gun doesn't work" dream in one form or another. I just go out and prove to myself that I can shoot and my gun WILL work and things are all better... There must be something out there to help medics with the same issue. I wish I could help with a "cure all" for your situation, but I really cant. Try and take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and there are people to talk to who go through the same or similar situations who understand how you feel. |
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You're not a big pussy. Talking about it helps. Anyone who says they aren't bothered by graphic/tragic shit is lying. Even if it doesn't give them bad dreams, somewhere deep inside it is somewhat unsettling for them.
As for the recent MVA you're talking about, you've already done yourself well by realizing that this man was going to go no matter what you did, and that you gave him your best care. I'm reminded of a quote from a movie about Coast Guard rescue swimmers, when one swimmer in training asks a veteran how he does what he does. The answer given is "I swim as fast and as hard as I can for as long as I can, and the sea takes the rest." What you do is no different. Work your hardest and do your best. Some you will save, some you not. Take solace is knowing you did everything you could. |
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You aren't being a pussy.
I do everything I can to make sure that my patient gets the best care I can give and to make sure that I don't make a mistake that causes the situation to get worse. I leave the rest to fate. I hate to say this, because it probably sounds terrible, but I do my best to forget about patients. Once they are out of the truck and I've done my job, I don't worry about them anymore. It sounds like you could use some time away and possibly some counseling. |
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You're not being a pussy. Everyone has cases or incidents that bother them... and if they don't, they're either a sociopath, or a liar.
I have bad days, days I remember, patients I remember. The Christmas I worked where I lost two patients... both elderly, both neglected/overlooked, and both too far gone for me to save... I knew they were both going to die, and on Christmas to boot. The day I lost two kids in a single shift in separate incidents... both less than a year old... that was a very bad day. Sometimes it helps to talk about it with the other people involved. Personally, I'm not sure we have as much to do with it as we like to think. It's partially our inborn human hubris, but we like to think we get a "save," or envision ourselves elbowing the grim reaper out of the way, or cheating death of his prize. We thump our chests and take credit for it... but I'm not sure we deserve it. The fact is that the mortality of being human is 100% I've seen enough things that I can't explain, enough deaths in people who by all rights should have lived, and enough miraculous recoveries in people who I (and medical science) didn't give a snowball's chance in hell... We go through our motions, and do what we do, and sometimes I feel like I've made a difference... but that's tempered with the knowledge (born of experience) that it could easily have gone the other way, and has many times... and only God himself knows why. You can call it fate if you want... but that day comes for all of us. |
| I've been where you are at and it happens to all of us at one point who are in this field. I got past it by finding ways to relieve the stress-every one is different, and taking time away to enjoy life/family/what matters to you. Our dept also had a county crisis debrief team come in a few times and it seemed to help. I was told long ago that some people are going to die no matter what you do or how much you want/try to change that fact and nothing will change that when time is up-still doesn't make it easy. Hang in there and keep up the good work-this is the best field of work to be in even with it's low points. |
| Well some good is going to come out of this. I spoke to the general manager about my issues and requested to talk to someone. He said that I could talk to him but I requested a professional. To my surprise our company has never used a counselor ever. We will now have a paid professional that any of us can talk to free of charge to us. As it turns out, many of my coworkers are interested as well. We are all fucked up in the head now have an avenue vent before going postal. |
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That's fantastic. Glad to hear your bosses understand Employee Assistance. My bad call almost wound up causing my marriage to break up. Flashbacks and eyeblink images for a year and a half.
BTW, there is a technique called EMDR. It is a counseling technique that allows your brain to break up the images and let them settle into small pieces rather than large, vivid images. I used it once and the relief from the images was miraculous. Some believe, others don't. If your counselor offers it and the images are so incredibly vivid, consider it. If not, ask about it. |
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You are normal and healthy. We all feel that at times. It is frustrating when we can't be the "saviors" we all want to be.
I could not do your job. I'm a cop and I work closely with the FF/EMT here. I can stay detached and document most of the time. You guys are hands on with victims. We all have the nightmares from time to time and cases we can't purge from our minds. Very common for cops to have the dreaded "gun won't fire" dreams. It is an anxiety response according to the head doctors. I did some research on it when I was having them. For the record, I have great respect for FF/EMT. I got knocked down by a car on Thanksgiving morning and went to ER. The brothers took good care of me. I heard they lit into the dope that hit me too :) Never think of yourself as weak for being a human being with emotions. It's when you stop caring that you should start to worry. Stay safe and thanks for what you do. |
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Your not alone.
Does your department have a dedicated counseling unit? Does your dept offer any type of debriefing after tramatic calls? Post tramatic Stress disorder is very common but very often overlooked by departments and also the people involved. It becomes a "macho" thing. Than there is the "stigma" thing. People feel they will be looked at differently if they ask for help. Stay safe and stay strong |
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Quoted:
Once again, not meaning to sound like a pussy, but thanks for listening. The only people that would call you a pussy are people who have not seen the types of things you have. Having seen a lot of bad I understand where you are coming from. Those that have not seen can not understand. |
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Quoted:
Quoted:
Once again, not meaning to sound like a pussy, but thanks for listening. The only people that would call you a pussy are people who have not seen the types of things you have. Having seen a lot of bad I understand where you are coming from. Those that have not seen can not understand. This +1...OR the ones who'll call you a pussy are the same oens who are Batshit Crazy. We have one of our guys who was involved in a fatal shooting a few years ago ALWAY denied he ever thought about it Always Mr "Tough Guy" yet he's an alcoholic has had major DV issues and has a temper that takes a feather to set it off. The OTHER guys involed in the shooting all talked to the PTSD Counsellor for a few weeks afterwards, and none of them have any problems at all. |
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