1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING
  SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET
  SEAT BY USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
  BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.

  REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT
  YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE
  SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.
  THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF
  IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.   IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE
  AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
  PROBLEM.