Posted: 4/14/2007 8:01:04 PM EDT
| Some of you guys may recall a thread I started back in March about some problems with my wife. My question is this. For the guys out there who have been divorced and really did love their wives, how did you learn to cope? How did you get back in the saddle? How long did it take? I feel like such a failure, What should I be doing to move on? I am recently separated and not doing well. My wife left a few days ago and I can't even look at another woman. |
| First, stop thinking about HER! You did nothing wrong, her reasons for doing this are due to her own selfishness. Forget her. Is there anything you have been wanting to do, but couldnt because of being married? What do you enjoy doing? Man just get out and try to have some fun doing things you like to do. Try out new things you havent had time to, etc. In a couple years this will not bother you much at all, in fact chances are you will be happier and she has done you a favor. |
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Ok, first, like the other poster said, stop thinking about her. Yes, this is easier said than done, but there are things you can do to help with this. Pursue a new hobby Spend time with an old hobby (go shooting more often?) Find a good counselor and go for a while to work on you Forget about women for a while. Spend time doing things you always wanted to do, but couldn't because she didn't want/let/whatever you to. Get out and have some fun. Believe me, I am living proof that it can be hell, but you can get through it. At this point getting involved in another relationship is the LAST thing you want. Give yourself time to get past this before you get involved with someone new. I hope this helps. |
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Bottom line, it takes time. I finally realized I was better off without her but that realization didn't come quick. For me, it helped finding out about the dumb sh*t she was doing afterwards but it still took letting go on my part. Her stupidity helped accelerate that process though. Get out there and do new stuff for yourself. It'll be difficult to move on but it helps to start thinking of yourself first, because that's the way it is now, better start gearing your mind for it. Know what I mean? |
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I agree. Don't focus on her. Be selfish for a while and enjoy your self. Little ways at first. Go to a bookstore. A movie. Go shooting. Over time, these little pleasures will make yourself feel valuable. And make you realize you can be fine without her. Next thing you know (weeks, months?), you'll be sharing yourself with others again. You'll feel better to be a friend and (eventually) a partner. Don't rush this, and don't settle for anything less than what you want next time around. You deserve the best. Many here have been through it (myself included). It's no fun now, but you're gonna be fine. |
This amount of pain will not last years. Weeks maybe, then a gradual easing. Of course you'll never forget her, but over time any interaction will be very different. Less stressful. I split up with my ex 8 yrs ago. Within a couple months I felt "OK" about it. I could see her without feeling overwhelmed. Life was very managable. Over time, things continued to improve. I got married again 1 1/2 yrs later. Now, I'm happy as hell, with a wonderful 4 year-old. Now when I see my ex, sure I think of the past, but it doesn't bother me. And I know it was all for the best. BTW, as I offered before, e-mail me if you just want to unload your feelings. I've been there. |
First and foremost, LOVE is not about "possession." The old man asked: " How do you keep the one you love?" The wise man answers: "You don't." Next, you just have to take it day by day, stay out of the way, and let the powers that be work for you and not against you. DO things to keep your mind and hands busy and do not wallow in regret. Don't drink alcohol. It is a depressant. Stay true to yourself and if you forgot who your self is - it is a good time to find your self again. Read a book. Learn that alone does not mean lonely. Know that everybody and their dog has been through what you are going through. Keep your head up and eyes open. There is something in store for you, for every door that closes is really just another one opening up, and it may even be the same one. |
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Time heals all wounds . That and the fact that once you learn to fend for yourself . you will find that your actual need for a woman will be reduced to one or two things . The best thing you can do right now is to set some short terms goals and put your thoughts a efforts into achieving them . If you're like me and lots of other guys in the same situation , when your about halfway there the little light will come on and you will say WTF ..... How could I have been so stupid . From there on life is real good 
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BINGO! Look at it this way, what can she do for you that another woman can't? Take time to recover and make a better choice of partner next time. Learn from this, but whatever you do, don't dwell on it as all you will do is make your self even more misrable when there is no need to. |
+1 You (OP) seem like a decent guy, so think of it this way: getting involved with another woman while you are not yet over your ex-wife is a recipe for disaster and pain. Any woman that you would want to be romantically involved with is not someone that you would want to hurt by burdening her with your current issues, and then ultimately/unavoidably dumping her after a short while. So you not being interested in "looking at another woman" is normal and nothing to be worried about. Good luck, and never forget that (once you are over your ex-wife) there are tons of wonderful ladies out there 
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| The one thing that helped me was.... I started fucking the wife of the guy, my wife was leaving me for! After a month are two it gets good when you discover all the other lonely women out there. The only downside to the whole thing is you will come to realize there are very, very few keeper women out there. |
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It takes a long time, my friend. You have a lot of things to work through. Don't rush it, just spend a lot of quiet time by yourself. It's impossible to see right now, but she probably did you a favor. Your job is to come through this experience with wisdom instead of bitterness. If you can do that, life will eventually be better than it ever was before. |
Months..........not weeks..........but it is a gradual withdrawl. But leave the girls alone for awhile until you get your head screwed on straight. A divorce is alot like a death of a family member.......there IS a grieving process! If you deny your heart and head the process of grieving it will take longer to get over. PM me if your interested in knowing more. 
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Keep your self busy, I used to run and ride my bike alot to cope. I went Kayaking too. Stuff I would of rather done alone. I ended up running a marathon. If you can get to a counselor. It it will get better with time. And if you really want to do something stupid check out Craig's list. Go out an bang some chicks that are just looking for it. |
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I agree with the guys saying "leave women alone for a while" 100%. If you go out catting around your wife could use it in any divorce proceedings. She'll turn it around to make it look like your fault and say you were the one who kicked her out instead of her leaving. After all we all know that women are SOOOO not to blame in anything regarding the relationship according to the courts. If you don't believe me, look at alimony and child support. Both will bleed you dry and the courts don't give a damn if they do it. I went to camp one weekend only to receive a call from a friend that my wife had cleaned me out and left me. When I got home I found out that she had left me some things but that she was gone. I went to see my friend and she told me all of the things that were going on behind my back. To put it politely, my wife was a slut. I couldn't even call her a whore because she never took money or gain for what she did. My "ex" was merely seeking acceptance and self validation for herself by sleeping with other guys. My friend appologized and said she was sorry she hadn't told me sooner, but she doubted that I would have believed her (she was right about that). After several talks with my friend I came to realize that I was better off without her. I came to pity and then befriend the guy she had left me for, after all she was HIS problem now. I kind of think of him as my best friend for what he did for me (he actually wasn't my best friend until he ran away with my wife). |
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Try to stay busy. If you're not working out regularly, this is a good thing to do to get your mind set on a positive course. It will occupy your mind, make you feel and look better, make you feel better about yourself, and there is no disputing the fact that woman are attracted to guys in good shape. Secondly, you need to retrain your mind as it pertains to your wife. In order to do that, train yourself that whenever any thoughts of your wife enter your mind, you should immediately shift that thought to something negative about her. If you focus thinking only about her negative traits, then you'll find that you'll get over her much faster than if every time you think about her you focus on something that you really enjoyed. |
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In all dealings with her, don't show anger. Also, don't beg, plead, dote. Hard as it may be, you need to be business-like. If anything, look on her with sadness, pity. Act like you've accepted what's happened, and have moved on. It's hard, but it'll be good for you and drive her crazy. After all, she WANTS you to get pissed (to justify her infidelity). She WANTS you to plead (to bolster her immature ego). Don't give her the satisfaction. |
You are not supposed to be doing well at this point, that is one of the reasons to stick it out and make it work. But it will come. The good thing about my situation was that I finally realized why my bank account was always at zero. After my wife left, my bank account started to grow at a rapid and increasing rate. Soon, I could afford lots of new toys, even if I was a complete emotional wreck at the time. |
I was with my 1st wife from 9th grade until I was 34, then I divorced her for cheating and lying. I spent over half my life at that time with her, and it still was difficult for me. I'd been counseled that it takes about a month for every year you're together, which meant a year and a half for me. Really, I dated and stuff in that time, but it took nearly 2 years to get her out of my mind. After spending 18 1/2 years with someone, it's kind of tough to let go, but staying with her would've been a joke. Kicked her ass to the curb and toughed it out. HH |