Now your talking!

I’m recently windowed since May this year after 39 years together, following a three-year cycle of illness / hospitalization / surgeries. The unexpected, unforeseen, accidental cause of it all was tragic and unnecessary; she should still be here but isn’t.

I thought I was prepared, but the finality of the end was a massive shock. I was in a fog of grief and suffering for three weeks, until I suddenly realized I was torturing myself with nostalgia. I kept looking at old photos, reading old love letters, thinking of her when she was young and beautiful & older and still beautiful, looking at her things, listening to old songs, smelling her perfumes, touching her clothing, smelling her scent on clothing she had worn. I was romanticizing the romance we had together.

I decided to intentionally extract myself from the prison I was building involuntarily. So much of what I was mourning was actually already lost to the past, even before she passed away. I took down pictures that were constantly reminding me of the loss. I started cleaning out her things. I either gave it away, threw it away, or stored it in a special box of memories I’m keeping. I looked around the house and started re-making it into my space for my purposes. It’s freeing when you realize there’s no longer a committee or consultation involved in every domestic decision. She had dozens and dozens of scented candles, for example, which I never liked and now they are all gone and I have new closet space. Every closet I clean, every drawer I organize is therapy.  I’m in control, not the grief.

A big part of the recovery process, I think, is discovering the “you” instead of continuing to identify as the “us” that’s irretrievably gone. What are your goals & expectations? Who are you and who do you want to become? There’s power in finding a new sense of self and new purpose, a new identity. I’m indulging in my hobbies and interests, keeping my hands and my mind occupied. I bought a large tract of land and it’s a great source of purpose; to acquire it, manage and steward it, and be out there on it and in it.

So, I think it’s important to not spend too much time just sitting and stewing, waiting and suffering. The key is to act and initiate the changes you want to see in yourself and your life.

Of course, I miss her terribly and would give anything to have her back for a week, a day, a few hours. The pangs of grief come unexpectedly and without warning. What I do now is acknowledge it, honor it, indulge it for a bit, then intentionally disengage and find something worthwhile and distracting to go keep myself busy.

I don’t have all the answers, but wanted to share some of the things I’m doing that seem to help. I’m still not super social as a solo operator, although I have made the effort to go to events & gatherings and to travel. It’s really good to be around people who know you and care for you, and want to help you get back to being “normal” again.

At 60, I’m undecided on the topic of eventually seeing women. On the one hand, I miss the feminine influence in my life, and sex is still very much on my mind. On the other hand, do I want the new baggage and new complications, do I want to spend the time & emotional effort getting to know her family, or God forbid, what if I have to see her through a mortal illness and end up alone again? What if she’s a typical 60-year-old woman and hardly wants to have sex? What about financial entanglements? What about the risk of STDs? What about her ex’s and estranged past lovers and all that mess?

I don’t know. One day at a time. Now excuse me…I need to go polish my motorcycle!

This is how I feel, yall will see each other again and she will know what youve been up to anyway.  Thats my opinion anyway.

This.

Personally, NO. I divorced after 25 years of marriage and the other day it would have been 31. I did think about it for a couple times during those days during the anniversary but that's it. Girlfriend found her late husband crushed under his car in the garage and then found a guy for 10 years who cheated on her. She kicked him out, and now we are together and have been for 5+ years.

He will move on when he is ready but damn, shit or get off the pot.

I can’t relate and I thank God for that.
My wife is 70 years old with a heart condition.
I have cancer.
I don’t know which will be worse in our order of dying.
I get panic attacks thinking about it.

God bless you all.

How old are you Op? I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to move on. Depression is a killer.

Watching people I know go through this is horrible. With my wife possibly sick again, I freak out thinking about my 2 young kids and what they’re going to go through. The wife and I have talked about it and we both know we want the other to move on and live life.

Interesting thread, OP.  Can't help but wonder if that's where I'm headed.  I'm over 5 years into being the sole caregiver for my wife with what is considered a terminal diagnosis.

Ditto that. One would have to be quite selfish and insecure to want their spouse to be alone. My wife and I don't roll that way.

My mother spent nearly 30 years as a widow. The first few years were rough for her. Stay healthy for the time being. You will decide it is the right time to go out. Chin up.

Damn A_C…

ETA:  I think I remember a thread when you mentioned that you lost your wife.  Maybe it was your thread or maybe someone else’s.  Thinking about it, it doesn’t seem like you post as much as you did.  I’m sorry for your loss, as well as the OPs and everyone else who has lost a spouse; God knows there are a lot of you that are now widowers in GD

Live for 2

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@YoteSlayer69

Don’t let finances hold you back from counseling.

There are free resources to help you deal with it.

We (men) are not predisposed to talking things through, but I’m telling you, it can help.

If nothing else, just view the counselor as a disinterested third party you can vent to, and maybe gain some fresh perspectives, and at the worst you were able to just get some stuff off your chest.

https://findahelpline.com/us/il/topics/grief-loss

Would your wife want to to be happy living your life, or stay in a rut?

Get out there and live man  she would want you to be happy.

First off, sorry for your loss, and I hate saying "loss", if she was a Christian, you didn't "lose" her, you know exactly where she is.

Re-read your wedding vows. Keep reading the last part, "till death do you part". It's okay to move on.

I haven't experienced that kind of loss, but 2 years ago my MIL passed.
Both my wife, and her dad, moved on rather quickly. I believe it was due to their faith.

OP, your late wife would want you to be in a place mentally and physically happy.

Paralysis does not prove love.

This really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing

It's helpful to know we're not alone. As men, we don't need sympathy / empathy as much as we need solutions.

Again thank you all for your responses. It does help.
A different perspective from all of you. Some sound advice. I appreciate it

Before my wife died, she asked I remain single for 2 months.
It's been 4 years now. I think about her every day. She was my best friend. She'd want me to be happy and to move forward.

Every one deals with death different. Do what feels good. If you're dealing with guilt, maybe get some counseling. Torturing yourself
in her name isn't healthy, imo. There are no rules. Sincere condolences to you.

Again thank you all for your responses. It does help.
A different perspective from all of you. Some sound advice. I appreciate it

@OP

Sounds lame, but watch the movie UP (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/) as it speaks directly to the dilemma you face. The movie will help you reflect on the exploring a new chapter of life knowing that your wife will still be with you in her own way and that she will be supporting you on your journey to enjoy your dreams that will pass you by if you continue on the path you currently find yourself on.

Once you watch the movie, if you want some lighthearted laughs after watching a pretty heavy ending for you, enjoy the Dug Days shorts (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt13624054/) if you have Disney+.

We're all terminal.  Some of us have a more clear idea of the date than others.

OP, been there, done that, still bear the scars.

My wife of 22 years died in 2018 after 10+ years of serious health issues. Original thread: Losing my wife.

I was a hermit for 6 months after her death until a couple of good friends invited me out for drinks and I reluctantly accepted.  They had set me up with a single coworker and I ended up meeting my new wife (we got married last year).  You eventually need to move forward.  My first wife and I talked about moving on if one of us died, we knew her days were numbered but, there was always the chance I would die first and we both agreed that wallowing in self-pity wouldn't help either of us.  Never forget, but you still have a lifetime ahead of you.

Grief is a fickle beast.

A female friend sent me an article "Four Ways to Make Grief More Bearable" and I found it helpful. I naturally was implementing techniques 1, 2, and 4. #3 is a bit of a puzzler to me. Maybe it would help some people but for me doing the old rituals would not be a way forward.

This is a link to photos of the pages that I made as a hidden post on imgur as a free hosting site. Sometime their post links don't work right...if so, let me know and I'll just load them as a post here.

OP you can live your life that way if you want.

It’s a free country.

If you want my opinion, you need to rub some dirt on it and walk it off. Your behavior is borne out of fear. Overcome your fears, or be ruled by them. Your choice.

My grandfather felt guilty over things said and unsaid to my grandmother.  I think that's why it took him so long to actually go out and do something.  

I really wish I he had forgiven himself sooner.

Thank God that they are together again.

Yeah OP, another semi-hermit checking in. The combination of family, cancer and other health issues have kept me in place since my wife died in 2021. Radiation and chemo have taken a toll on me. I've outlived the estimate I was given in Aug 2021.

I do get out a little. Drive a couple of hours to check on my mother, or to visit my daughter and grandson. Stay with my sister-in-law for a few days - she's also a widowed hermit. She took good care of me during my industrial strength chemo. With my health issues, I have no interest in any serious relationship with anyone else.

I sit alone in the nice large old house in the good suburb. The house where everything and everyone died but me. Don't really want to leave...

OP: time to watch the movie 'UP' if you haven't already. While it's an animated movie, you WILL cry watching it.

I leave you this image.—the last scene from the movie. It's just a house by a waterfall, but when you watch it, you will understand how much it relates to this thread.

IMHO, You will honor your wife by doing all the things you talked about doing when she was alive. Make sure to bring something of hers that best represents her presence when you do it. She'll be there with you.

Looks like I skipped by your post. Consider my first post in this thread a +1.

Ugh. Can't watch it.

I actually watched it a long time ago.

OP, my brother lost his wife a few months ago to cancer and booze. All of us siblings talk to him every week. He made his annual trek to Ohio to visit Mom and our sister. She lost her husband six weeks before. She asked him what he had been doing since she died. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing!" She ripped him a new hole. "Get off your ass, Clean her things out unless you plan to wear them. Keep a couple of momentoes and give the rest to the kids." He laughed for the first time. It was a page-turning moment. She continued, "Enjoy the family you have. You have three daughters and a slew of grandkids. They still need adult supervision."
It is true. The sorrow will fade in time but the family still here still need you too.

Much like it’s hard to hit the gym after a hiatus, you must force yourself to go.

We only have one life. Enjoy the world before it’s too late.

My Dad said that I had said something after my mom passed that helped... I had told my Dad that he had promised to love and cherish mom until death did them part. I told my dad that he had fulfilled his obligation and that he should move on. He shortly thereafter move to another state to get a change of scenery and to get out of "moms house". I know that he talked to a few women after mom, but I don't know if anything came of it. He passed earlier this year.

My ex and I are finally separated. I already met someone, may be nothing, we will see. Should of divorced my ex 4 years ago so I am ready for happiness.

OP if I were you I would:

1. Move out of Illinois.
2. Get a therapist.
3. Travel to someplace else, someplace that's very different from Illinois. Maybe Sri Lanka.
4. Meet some younger women, but be very careful who you get into a relationship with (see #2).

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I did too. Once. That's all I can do.
I also stop Forrest Gump before the final scene at Jenny's grave. Reminds me too much of my son crying and yelling, "It's not fair I only got her for 10 years."

This. Get out and excerise. She wouldn’t be mad about that. From there, go and enjoy a vacation. She’d want you to be happy.

My first thought was OP needs to get a shit-ton of balloons, kidnap a boyscout and go on an adventure.

You are trapping yourself in the grief rather than letting it pass.

If you are a faithful man, take counsel with your clergy. The Bible has some things to say here too.

I lost my wife in 2021 I am getting married again in Oct.

My late wife Marsha wanted me to be happy and to live my life.

I will never stop loving her but I refuse to feel guilty that she was taken from me.

I know a person. A sort of famous person. Lost their wife some years back and their life now seems to revolve around a memorial to their deceased spouse.

I couldn't live that way. I do not think they are happy or even very joyful, living like that, and I think their deceased spouse would want them to love on. I love my wife, and my life with her, and tremble at the thought of losing her or trying to 'move on'. But I think it would be for the best, and believe that biblically there is no reason to hold on to the past; marriage is supposed to last for life - but not beyond that.

Maybe close your eyes and ask her “is it ok for me to move on?”

What would you say to her if the situation was reversed and she asked you?

Hang in there brother. I can’t even imagine the pain