Posted: 5/1/2004 11:23:09 AM EDT
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FUN FACTS ABOUT JOHN KERRY * In his campaign, Kerry is planning on relying on his wife's ketchup money. That's a lot like blood money, but more tomato based. * Kerry has enough botulism in his face to wipe out a small African village. * Kerry wants people to know that he is a friend of the common man... he just doesn't want to talk to any of them, see any of them, have any in his country club, or even be near any of them unless they have lots of special interest campaign contributions. * John Kerry's hair is the source of his important lookingness. If you shaved off his hair, he would no longer look important. * Like George Bush, John Kerry was a member of the secret Skull and Bones society at Yale. They will actually determine who will be president, and this whole election is just for our entertainment. * The Vietnam war was going great and was extremely popular in the U.S.... until Kerry joined in. * Sometimes Kerry has simultaneous flashbacks to fighting in Vietnam and being a Vietnam War protestor, causing him to spit on himself. * Kerry knows for a fact from Vietnam that eating the heart of your defeated enemy will not gain you his non-French-lookingness. * Some hippies had called Kerry a “baby-killer” when he returned from Vietnam, but, in reality, he wussed out and ran away when caught in a baby knife fight. * Though he likes to tout his Vietnam record now (he was in Vietnam, you know), he was also involved in the same protest group as Jane "Why in God's Name Wasn't She Hung as a Traitor" Fonda. * Jane Fonda was married to Ted Turner who is a total jackass. That has nothing to do with John Kerry, but it's worth saying. * If you are in the military and Kerry drops by your place, hide your medals. Apparently he likes to throw other people's medals. * Senator John Kerry has a more liberal voting record than Senator Ted Kennedy, which people used to think was scientifically impossible since the way to judge how liberal one's voting record is was to see how close it is to Ted Kennedy's. * Wait, who was I zinging there? John Kerry or Ted Kennedy? Hell, they both deserve it. * John Kerry is so liberal... How liberal is he? He's so liberal, that he thinks minors should be able to get abortions without even their own consent. * In a fight between John Kerry and Aquaman, I'm not sure who'd win, but the battle would involve a lot of effeminate slapping. * Some say Kerry looks like Lurch from the Addams Family, but that's not fair; Lurch is not French. * Kerry comes from the most evil/liberal state in the union: Massachusetts. Some say Hitler was born there. * According to sources, Kerry's name rhymes with "fairy". I'm not saying to call him John "Fairy"; I'm just putting that information out there. * Kucinich rhymes with spinach... but I'm not sure what to do with that. * Oh, wait: Vote for Dennis Kucinich 'Cause he eats his spinach. He's Kucinich the crazy man. (toot) (toot) * Back to John Kerry, according to lots of anecdotal information, he loves to play the "Do you know who I am?" card. If he does that to you, the best response is to say, "Yeah, you're the guy I'm going to punch in the nads," and then punch him in the nads. If he complains, hey, he asked. * The last guy from Massachusetts who ran against a George Bush for the presidency of the United States lost. That's precedent for you! FUN FACTS ABOUT IRAQI INSURGENTS * The difference between an "insurgent" and a "terrorist" are the spellings and pronunciations. * The Iraqis violently fighting against the coalition are a minority, and thus should be given preference in hiring and college admissions. * Some people are against America because they actually liked rule under Saddam. Hey, if they liked torture and oppression, maybe we should be more accommodating to their tastes. * The natural predator of the Iraqi insurgent is the U.S. Marine which has no known predator and threatens to cause their complete extinction. * Some religious leaders are causing insurgency in a grab for power. Religion should never be used to grab power. It should only be used to give oneself moral grounding, explain the reasons behind existence, and shame others. * Monkeys are also opposed to Americans, and are being summarily executed. * Some consider those fighting Americans to be patriots of Iraq, but, since they harm people of their own country and are trying ruin its future, the more accurate terms for them is "total douches". * Insurgents like to use bombs. If you see someone with a bomb, be careful - he may insurge! * Some insurgents aren't Iraqis at all, but instead are people who have traveled to Iraq since there aren't enough opportunities in their own country to be killed by coalition forces. * That Sadr guy is kinda chubby. I don’t know the relevance of that, but it is a fact. * Frankly, I'd rather be a chubby cleric than the usual blind cleric, but I don't know if Allah gives you a choice. * As a defensive measure, Iraqi insurgents will sometimes run away screaming. * The insurgents have all the battle knowledge that can be gained by skimming through a copy of The Idiots Guide to Insurgency. * The insurgents are opposed to democracy because then people will vote that they shouldn't insurge so much. And, if they can't insurge, then they'll probably have to finally get that job at McDonalds, and they don't want that. Hey, it really ain't that bad. * Since Americans and allies are trying their best to build schools and an infrastructure in Iraq and people still try to kill them, that just proves you can't even please everybody some of the time. Luckily, we can kill anybody anytime. * Insurgents are trying to use hostages to force American allies to remove troops from Iraq. Hey, not all our allies are yellow-bellied Spaniards. * In a battle between Aquaman and Iraqi Insurgents, Aquaman's fish friends would warn him of any bomb attack allowing him to easily avoid it... if the insurgents tried to attack Aquaman in the water. If the attack were land, as usual, Aquaman would be screwed. * France is now considering sending troops to Iraq so they can give in to terrorists demands and then remove them. Those guys haven't had a good surrender in a while. * If you’re surrounded by insurgents, kill them with your guns. If you're in Iraq right now, you should probably have guns. * Know what? We should really just go ahead and make Iraq into the richest, most stable democracy in the world. That should piss off those filthy insurgents. Wankers. FUN FACTS ABOUT PETA * PETA is an acronym that stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but, when wrapped around sliced roasted lamb, they're called GYRO, but I don't know what that stands for. * They think that animals, things that care not for Christian values and claw and bite with no sense of morality, should be treated "ethically". That's because they're hippies. * PETA is against all testing on animals. If they had to choose between curing a sick child and saving an evil feces-flinging monkey, they'll choose the demon-spawn simian every time (I mean the monkey). Hey, if God didn't want us experimenting on monkeys, then exactly what the hell did He make them for? * Many members of PETA like animals more than people, but, ironically, it's a scientifically proven fact that most animals hate hippies. * Though they don't like KFC's method of killing chickens, their suggested replacement of having each chicken individually strangled with piano wire by a trained assassin is simply not cost effective. * They think people should be vegetarians, even though plenty of animals eat nothing but meat. Atkins dieters, every one of them. * I used to tease my dog. I bet PETA wouldn't like it, but my dog didn't too... and she was stupid. So there. * They complain about how veal calves are kept from moving their entire lives, but have yet to prove they would move if given a choice. Cows are lazy. * PETA had championed eating whales since less whales would have to be killed to feed the same number of people than chickens. That's crazy. Ever try raising whales on a farm? They really don't get along well with the horses. * They want to end the game of chinchilla football, and I don't want to live in that world. * Has sued ACME for perpetuating animal against animal violence. * When it was revealed that Rudy Giuliani had prostate cancer, PETA exploited that to put up ads saying that milk gave it to him. That's ridiculous. Babies drink nothing but milk and have some of the lowest instances of prostate cancer. * They claimed that Jesus was a vegetarian even though in the seventh station of the cross Jesus pauses to enjoy a hamburger. * PETA has had links with the eco-terrorist group ELF, know for having the gayest name of all terrorist groups. * If surrounded by violent PETA activists, just hold a gun to a kitten's head until they back off. * In a battle between Aquaman and PETA, Aquaman would be fined for disturbing the peace of fish. Unable to pay the fine, Aquaman would have to serve jail time, and you know someone like him just isn't going to last in jail. Poor Aquaman. * It would be funny to teach a parrot to say, "PETA is a bunch of stupid hippies!" and then abuse it so PETA has to take him in. Then again, it would be hard to abuse something that spoke such truth. FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA * Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost. * Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded. * That happens usually three times a year. * The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards. * It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, "Help! We're being invaded, eh!" * Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee. * Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, "I live in Cana, duuuuh," the name Canada eventually stuck. * For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada. * Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan's Palm. * In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf... actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman's ass, though. * Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country. * Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency. * Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy. * A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people - that's so pathetic I can't even imagine it. * Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown. * Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord. * It's a myth that the normal way a Canadian says "about" is so that it rhymes with "boot". It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded. * The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it. * Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored. * If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, "No!" You have to catch them in the act or they'll never learn. * Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size. * Canada has become an entry point for terrorist which has caused Canada's boring index to decrease slightly. * Canada doesn't have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize. * Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month. * Canada has no known industry. It's believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets. * Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor. * Canadians are completely harmless, but don't assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy. * Canadians don't have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older. * Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada's evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys. * If ever attacked by a Canadian... well... beat the crap out of him. What? You can't take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you? * This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada. * Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, "Eh?" |