[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Getting Married, any advice??? (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 10/21/2006 6:07:45 PM EDT
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Well hell has officially frozen over. I found me a girl who can actually put up with me. I proposed to her on the 18th, and her answer was "YES! We'll get married on June 24th!" So I guess the date is already set. Course now she is freaking out because the date is only 8 months away. Any advice from those of you who have had successfull marriages, "like don't take marriage advice from arfcom" and even advice from those with very unsuccessfull marriages would be much apreciated. On a side note, I unintentionally proposed while wearing camo...thats a good sign right? I |
Don't you need money to do that....moment I get any, another hole in the safe gets filled. I have a very elaborate savings plan. Many certificates of deposit. Only thing is they all say things like "Colt, Ruger, Smith & Wesson, etc." on them. |
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Make sure you lay down the law pronto. You let her know who is in charger... If her birthday is coming up before Christmas...get her an ironing board. Also a vacuum cleaner can be a very helpful and subtle way to let her know what traditional chores are to be expected of her. By all means lets not forget cooking classes either . I also suggest holding off on having any kids so you can enjoy her leaner body for more time. The most important phrase you can ever know and say to her of course is..."its not about you". I hope this has been helpful and will help fester many happy years of marriage for you.  |
So if I am just half-assed, then I'm good to go....Check! |
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I know you already proposed, but: I don't know how old you are, but one of the best quotes I ever heard went something along the lines of "Don't get married until you are at least 30... only a nut would allow a 20 year old decide who they would spend the rest of their life with." A little more seriously if you wouldn't do her mother, I would seriously consider backing out.... one thing you can almost count on is that a girl today will end up at least as fat as her mother. And most seriously, after 19 years of "successful" marriage so far I would say it is very important to have your own interests, and to not see each other too much. Also don't ever expect a woman to understand or respond too well to logic - they simply aren't wired the same and it is a losing battle. |
You know what is sad. She is one of those VERY rare traditional types. Since we have been together I have yet to wash an article Tof clothing, cook a meal, wash a dish, clean anything besides the truck and guns. It makes me feel wierd as I have been self reliant for a while now. I try to help out only to get, "Babe, go sit down, that's my job. The girl even insists on cleaning any game I kill. I have disscussed how uncomfortable this all makes me with her and she always tells me the same thing. "A womans job is to tend to her mans needs, if you are tending to your own needs than I am failing at my duties. Please don't make me feel like a failure." Freakin wierd! Is this a bad sign? |
Another HUGE +1 from personal experience. Mine ex had (and has) enough issues with hers to fill a library. It spilled over into our relationship big time. Up to and including getting the "You're JUST like my dad!" thrown at me in the heat of upsets. 
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I would not say her mother is smoking hot, however for a woman of her age, if I was closer to her age, i'd hit it. Very hard working woman, and it shows in her body, slender and muscular. As far as daddy. Daddy is friggin LOADED! and has given her everything she has ever wanted. He has purchased her cars for her since she was old enough to drive, and purchased a home for her when she turned 21. It actually said alot to me when we decieded to move in with eachother that she actually gave the house back to her dad to sell and moved into my larger....MORTGAGED home. When we met the only bill she had was her cell phone. Her house and car were paid off, and daddy took care of utitities. Crazy thing is, she still held a full time job. Is this girl to good to be true? Btw I am 28, she is 26 |
Sounds like a good woman. Congrats and enjoy...  |
X2 Im sure if you get tired of all those qualitys theres plenty of "US" that would take it. But Congrats Now where you having the Bachelor Party??
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*from a failed marriage If you have an argument about something. Seek a solution to it. She may be dead wrong about whatever it is, but she still feels the way she does about it. She doesn't want to feel that way, but she does. Arguing your point accomplishes nothing. You will not convince her. LISTEN SO THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND. Don't just listen to what she's saying so that you can make a counter argument. Seek marriage counseling sooner rather than later! |
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She sounds like a very nice young lady. And, no it's not weird for a woman to want to take care of her man. It's how it used to be....and back when the men took care of men things and the women took care of women things, marriages were much more successful. Just know that once you start having kids, it is lots more work for your wife and you will need to help her out a bit...even insist and help. Especially when the little one is still up all night. Ekie takes care of so much for me, especially since the kids came along. I work hard and so does Ekie. That's what a good marriage takes...lots of work on both sides. By the way, talk over all the important issues before you get married...have things figured out so that you will be prepared for them. How you will raise your children. How you will interact with the in-laws. (Holidays with extended family can be really rough.) How you will handle the finances. Everything. Ekie and I are on the same page on everything and we hashed it all out before the wedding. As odd as this sounds, we only had 2 "prenups" after all the talk. Mrs. Ekie |
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you haven't been here long enough :) As a younger guy myself, just married 1.4 months ago (im 23) - do not take ANY advice from the people on this board about marriage. Some of the most rancid, ignorant, and obscene shit I have read about relationships have occured here on this gun forum. |
I guess we'll have to disagree on that. In my opinion, the existence of a prenup starts off the marriage on the wrong foot, suggesting implicit reservations about trust and reliability. If they are too young to really know each other well enough to enter into a long-term binding partnership, then they should wait - not rely on a legal document to substitute for their own judgment and trust. Perhaps that was why my wife and I were engaged for seven years! 
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Oh, and I wanted to add one more thing. About the "prenups." They don't have to be heavy issues. Just important things you both agree on. Even silly things. Fun things. Ours, are not legal things. Just a couple of silly things, but were really important to both of us. Number one, was that neither one of us would let ourselves go. We agreed that we would not get fat! This is silly. But, look around and you'll see that this doesn't seem important to many folks. There is flex room. After each baby, it has taken some time to get back to my former self! But, I know it's important to both of us so I do it, each and every time. We've got 4 kids so far...so I know the hard work that goes into this! Number two, probably something that most can't even comprehend. But, it's that I'll always be able to have a Christmas tree. Mr. Ekie is sort of a scrooge when it comes to Christmas. He can see no correlation between celebrating Christ's birth and a Christmas tree. In all honesty, neither can I. BUT, I knew that I did want to be able to celebrate with the traditional decorations. Every Christmas, he teases me about this and we laugh about this "deal" we made so many years ago. I hope you and your bride will be at least 1/2 as happy as we have been. Yes, marriage is hard. But, when you do it right, it is the the greatest adventure you will ever have. God Bless. Mrs. Ekie |
I know the futility of trying to change a Dane's mind (without strong drink) but let me explain my position. A decent prenup should do the following things (and this is off the top of my head, I am not an attorney, but I have seen more than a few of these): 1. Make concrete assumptions about support of the surviving spouse, setting limits for things like life insurance (required enough, essentially), volatility of core investments (requires a certain percentage of your retirement investments in something with a low SD, like t-bills and some blue chips, and prevents all of the retirement money from being invested in Siberian jackalope farms, even if one spouse's best buddy in the whole wide world is a part-owner and it is the next sure thing and he wants to get you in the ground floor of this amazing opportunity), savings rate required before other spending (forcing the issue of maxing out salary reduction plans and putting away Roths and so on BEFORE taking vacations and getting a new Merc, for instance), and assumptions about child support (see next). 2. Child support (in and out of wedlock): sets out plan for investing and possibly trusts for the child, support through college, and so on (or not), explicitly breaking out how the family's money will be left to the children 3. Requires an accounting of possessions coming into the marraige -- this sounds easy ("we are both dirt poor") but if you are older than 22 or have some money of some kind (trust, savings, whatever) it isn't 4. Lays out certain non-negotiables (like the Christmas tree, above, which is not a silly example at all) and forces people to agree with them 5. Discusses support expectations in the event of a divorce (this can make it clear, for instance, that all of the child support will go to the child, not the parent, and that there will be an accounting of every dime expected, and that the plans to provide the child with a decent savings account or trust will not be interrupted) Working out all of these things ahead of time makes people think. It makes real the next 65 years. And in many cases, it helps work out a ton of stuff ahead of time, probably what you did during your seven year engagement (time these kids don't have to get all of this nailed down, as June is approaching like a freight train). I am not saying "don't marry". I am suggesting that legally formalizing their life plans is a good idea, and a prenup is a good way to do this. Then some time with a good financial advisor, also ahead of time. Then some time with an insurance agent, also ahead of time. And so on. Marraige is a business of two people and it works best when, either by tradition or agreement, everyone knows their roles. A prenup keeps things tidy. |
For Real? I can tell you what you want to hear...that everything will be rosy, etc... Or I can give you some advice that some of it you may not want to hear... (1.) If you have any money or assets, get a pre-nuptial agreement to protect them (2.) Any inheiritance that you come into in the future, keep it separate from shared accounts. If you come into property, have her sign a Quit Claim Deed. (3.) Does she have any liabilities? Such as Bad Credit, outstanding debts, incurable STD, mental trauma from childhood that can cause major problems down the road? Addictions? (4.) Is she and you both a live and let live type of person? (5.) Don't expect that being married means that you wont have to change..you will. Also for her, she should not expect that you will change into whatever she thinks is her ideal. (6.) Do NOT go to bed or go away angry. Sit down, talk it out, however long it takes and come to an agreement. (7.) If she is a Single Mom, I am telling you up front that you will be in for some major heart ache from not just the step children, but from her as well. Kids will push buttons, manipulate feelings, and set you up for a major fight with your wife. When it comes to kids: (a.) Always make sure that both you and your wife are ON THE SAME PAGE when it comes to Discipline, and the Granting or Denial of privilages. (b.) ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS BE CONSISTANT with Kids. (8.) Have you talked to your SO about how you will handle such ugly things as Childrearing, Cheating, Pornography, Gambling, Drug and Alchol Abuse? (9.) Have the two of you worked out strategy and agreement on how you will resolve disputes? (10.) In Marriage, one major thing is that both the husband and wife should never take their own anger seriously. Just realize that anger is temporary, work it out , and move on. So many other things...too many to list. All I can say is Good Luck. You will find Getting Married to be Easy. Staying Married is extremely difficult, and staying happily married can be as hard as climbing Mount Everest with No Oxygen tanks. ETA: Most Marriage fail due to Neglect, because we get caught up in the daily grind of work, taking care of kids, and life. A marriage is like a living being, it requires nurturing and if it doesn't get it, it will die. Many fights are over (a.) Money: the lack of and/or how or who will control it (b.) KIDS: Kids cause Chaos in a Marriage (c.) Never make Kids or Work take priority over your marriage (d.) Most women just want someone to be around so they can vent, when they are venting they do NOT want to know how to fix something, they usually know, or when they are ready they will ask. They want sympathy and attention. (e.) SEX: does she like sex as often and in the same manner as you do? |
Quoted for posterity. 
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No such woman exsists anymore, so I'm calling...  
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