Humorous Sayings > General Discussion

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:20:36 AM EDT

and where did you first hear them...

"Men, this is like a sore pecker, ya just can't beat it." First Sergeant in Graf, West Germany while helping us move 155mm Illumination rounds 300 meters through the mud and snow.

"Son, you'da had better luck tryin to jackin off a bobcat in a phone booth." Same First Sergeant as above in response to a privates lame excuse for being late to a formation.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:25:44 AM EDT

[#1]

I heard my mom say this when I was about 10 years old (she never said anything worse than 'hell' or 'damn')..

He was shaking like a dog shittin' peach pits.

She was talking to another nurse about a psych patient. I remember actually crying with laughter.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:25:44 AM EDT

[#2]

How do we get the shit back in the horse?

They are going to give us a colonoscopy without any anesthesia.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:27:06 AM EDT

[#3]

Pull your head out of rectal defilade.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:27:51 AM EDT

[#4]

Common sense gun control

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:31:09 AM EDT

[#5]

"It's hotter than a fresh fucked fox in the middle of a forest fire on the 4th of July"

Used to work outside in the fields

"He is nuttier than squirrel shit"

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:35:28 AM EDT

[#6]

"Hotter than two cats fucking in a wool sock"

"Happier than a pig in shit"

"It's the kitty's titties"

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:36:22 AM EDT

[#7]

Quoted:
and where did you first hear them...

"Men, this is like a sore pecker, ya just can't beat it." First Sergeant in Graf, West Germany while helping us move 155mm Illumination rounds 300 meters through the mud and snow.

"Son, you'da had better luck tryin to jackin off a bobcat in a phone booth." Same First Sergeant as above in response to a privates lame excuse for being late to a formation.

View Quote

Look to the right of my name. I saw it here and borrowed it.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:38:34 AM EDT

[#8]

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:47:46 AM EDT

[#9]

"He's so slow, you'd have to put up a stake to see if he's moving."

"That guy couldn't run a one car parade"

"Big Hat.... No Cattle"

"I'm busier than a one-armed paper hanger in a windstorm"

From a past mentor and good friend.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:52:25 AM EDT

[#10]

Quoted:
and where did you first hear them...

"Men, this is like a sore pecker, ya just can't beat it." First Sergeant in Graf, West Germany while helping us move 155mm Illumination rounds 300 meters through the mud and snow.

"Son, you'da had better luck tryin to jackin off a bobcat in a phone booth." Same First Sergeant as above in response to a privates lame excuse for being late to a formation.

View Quote

My last boss used to say this.
Another one was "that's tighter than a frogs ass, and that's waterproof.

Posted: 3/9/2015 12:59:42 AM EDT

[#11]

My Dad would come out with this, at exactly the time you realize you really, really need a third hand:

"You look like a bear cub fuckin' a football!"

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:14:50 AM EDT

[#12]

More people in here than you can shake a stick at.

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:23:37 AM EDT

[#13]

"You move like old people fuck"

"You look like a bag of dicks"

"Just had my dick slapped with a sledge hammer"

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:24:20 AM EDT

[#14]

When asking dad where mom went - "Went to shit and the hogs got 'er"

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:24:24 AM EDT

[#15]

"That guy was smiling like a jackass eating cactus".

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:26:36 AM EDT

[#16]

"That boy's about a subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal." - Foghorn Leghorn

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:27:33 AM EDT

[#17]

No means yes and yes means anal.

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:30:56 AM EDT

[#18]

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:35:44 AM EDT

[#19]

"Gayer than AIDS"

Posted: 3/9/2015 1:39:14 AM EDT

[#20]

Quote History

Quoted:
"That guy was smiling like a jackass eating cactus".

View Quote

Grinnin like a mule eatin briars is the southern version of that.

Posted: 3/9/2015 2:12:17 AM EDT

[#21]

He had that shit eatin' "I just pumped a sheep" look on his face.

Posted: 3/9/2015 2:18:05 AM EDT

[#22]

Not sure it was the lack of profanity that caught me off guard, but when i was a kid we were checking out a friend's new gun safe and he said, "The door's heavy enough, it'd take two men and a boy to get it out of the truck"

I busted a gut over that one, and still find it really funny.

Posted: 3/9/2015 2:41:23 AM EDT

[#23]

"Water, Water is bad for you" . "Fish Fuck In Water"

"Slower than an Alabama Short Bus full of retards"

Posted: 3/9/2015 3:00:43 AM EDT

[#24]

Busier than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor.

Posted: 3/9/2015 3:02:19 AM EDT

[#25]

I'm sweating like a whore in church.

Posted: 3/9/2015 3:02:31 AM EDT

[#26]

"well, slap the dog 'n spit 'n the fire!"

Posted: 3/9/2015 3:29:18 AM EDT

[#27]

That boy could ruin a canon ball in a sand box with a rubber hammer .

The sun even shines on a dogs ass sometimes .

Posted: 3/9/2015 4:35:04 AM EDT

[#28]

Well Shit the Bed, piss the sheets and jackoff in the pillowcase.

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:09:33 AM EDT

[#29]

"You morons look like a pair of monkies trying to fuck a football."

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:13:27 AM EDT

[#30]

That boy's dumber'n a sack of hammers!

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:16:40 AM EDT

[#31]

He so useless he couldn't pour piss from a boot if the directions were on the sole.

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:17:09 AM EDT

[#32]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, i'd put em all in a sock and beat you to sleep with it.
If I wanted any lip id eat a damned hotdog.
I'm so wet you could drown a toddler in my panties.
Codemonkeys
Codemonkeys
Archer

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:28:59 AM EDT

[#33]

Its hotter than two mice fucking in a wool sock.

More nervous than a long tailed dog at a rocking chair convention

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:36:32 AM EDT

[#34]

That's slicker than cum on a gold tooth.

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:38:44 AM EDT

[#35]

You look like a soup sandwich.

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:41:31 AM EDT

[#36]

Well shit fire, save matches, fuck a duck and see what hatches

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:46:58 AM EDT

[#37]

That fucker is so dumb, he couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.

Posted: 3/9/2015 5:52:26 AM EDT

[#38]

You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one.

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:13:01 AM EDT

[#39]

Sharper than the leading edge of a basketball.

Dumber than a box of rocks, at least a box of rocks will rattle when you shake it.

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:24:08 AM EDT

[#40]

Nervous as a whore in church.

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:31:55 AM EDT

[#41]

"I don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out..."

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:36:01 AM EDT

[#42]

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:53:58 AM EDT

[#43]

Remember: If its got tits or tires... sooner or later... you're gonna have trouble with it! -- my father--

That boy's hornier than a four peckered billy goat.

It's easier to plow around the stump.

Prettier than a bucket of guts!

Running around like a broke dick dog!

You can un-screw a light bulb but ya can't un-screw a woman..

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:54:21 AM EDT

[#44]

Thats more fucked up than a football bat.

Sweatin' like a fat man eating soup

Posted: 3/9/2015 6:59:33 AM EDT

[#45]

Sweating like a whore in church.

If it floats, flies or fucks it's cheaper to rent.

(Insert name of broken item) shit the bed. (Or hot tub)

Posted: 3/9/2015 7:00:52 AM EDT

[#46]

When something mechanical, like a car, stops working: "It shit the bed."

A phrase a lot of people used when I was a kid back home. I still use it, and people here think it's kinda morbid.

Posted: 3/9/2015 7:01:28 AM EDT

[#47]

Busier than a goat with six dicks.
Nervous as a virgin on prom night.
I'll bet your ass looks like a hundred pounds of chewed bubble gum.

Posted: 3/9/2015 7:05:32 AM EDT

[#48]

I offered a guy at work some Wasabi Peas, and he said "Hell no. I'd rather suck a fart out of a dead camel's ass".

Posted: 3/9/2015 7:09:10 AM EDT

[#49]

Too much sickness and not enough death.

Comment concerning people that call-in sick.

Posted: 3/9/2015 7:10:09 AM EDT

[#50]

That's as wrong as two boys fuckin

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