Posted: 7/22/2011 11:03:05 AM EDT
|
Trying to get an idea of the common expectations of people when dealing with family inheritance. Yes, from a gun forum.
Should siblings have an expectation of "fairness" in the division of any inheritance from their parents? My personal opinion is that, in spite of any parental expectations the siblings may or may not have met, it's up to the parent's to decide how the inheritance will be divided. I would like to think that parents would be distribute accordingly based on expectations - but bottom line is it's their money and they do what they want with it. That being said, we recently found out an uncle and aunt had made their least responsible, financially and life in general, child the executor of their will. Two of the other kids complained to their parents and I don't know what the outcome was. This got me thinking. I'm in sort of the same boat. I'm the executor of my parent's will and assets are to be divided equally among me and my 2 siblings. Problem is my siblings are completely irresponsible. Neither have done anything to help our parents ever. One has had multiple DUI convictions and is currently living off the .gov teat as well as any money our mother sends him. Other sibling has been estranged from our parents and for the last year has been moving into meth head status. Both live in the southwest so, thankfully, we're insulated from their ass-hattery somewhat. So . . . while I feel like it's unfair I think that, basically, it's their money to do with as they please. Even though they apparently aren't following their advise to me of "spending money wisely". |
|
The problem is you are almost always going to have someone who is unhappy about how it is divided. Even split and you are unhappy since you help your parents while the others screw around. Uneven split favoring you will make the others unhappy. Where it gets real fun is when the parents cut out some of the kids while giving a lot of stuff to a non family member. |
|
Where it gets real fun is where the parents cut out some of the kids while giving a lot of stuff to a non family member.
How about when elderly parents and their adult children become estranged, some kind "neighbor" starts taking care of the parent, parent gives their neighbor power of attorney, then eventually dies and the neighbor drains the bank account? Inheritances are a mess. The Bible had it best- one child makes two lots of inheritance, and the other child picks first. |
|
State laws vary... Some comments as they would apply to VA: -A properly executed will trumps the 'wishes' of the heirs -If no will, the state will put it all in one pot and divide evenly among legal children -Executors have a fiduciary duty to follow the will. Deviation has a penalty, let them know that Bottom line, have mom and dad create a will, and make sure it's properly executed in whatever state they reside. |
|
I've learned never to expect anything. I should have gotten a good chunk of cash when my grandmother died, about 17 years ago, but my lesbian aunt took it all for herself. Grandma had trusted her too much, and left all of her accounts in joint custody with her disturbed daughter. |
|
No one should expect fairness in anything. Life's hard, get a helmet.
In this case your parents should have a will and their wishes should be followed. My wife has 2 brothers, one super responsible and successful, the other is worthless. The will my FIL put together gives my wife and her good brother 1/2 of their inheritance in cash and 1/2 in an annuity. The bad brother gets all of his in the annuity. (The reason for the annuity is a trust that is survivable by the siblings. So if any of the siblings pass on the remainder of their annuity goes to the other two. Interestingly my FIL told me that it was set up so that neither spouse of the boys gets any claim on the annuity, but I do if my wife passes before me. He really doesn't like the harpies his sons married.  )
|
|
Here's how I view it, right or wrong.
I have 3 kids, substantial life insurance, less than substantial assets, and I have not divided it equally into 3rds. It's unfortunate but my youngest boy has serious medical issues and will require more care for the rest of his life. If my other 2 kids can't understand and appreciate that then that will be their problem. The main reasons I carry the insurance I have now is in response to my one son's condition. |
|
Quoted:
Where it gets real fun is where the parents cut out some of the kids while giving a lot of stuff to a non family member.
How about when elderly parents and their adult children become estranged, some kind "neighbor" starts taking care of the parent, parent gives their neighbor power of attorney, then eventually dies and the neighbor drains the bank account? Inheritances are a mess. The Bible had it best- one child makes two lots of inheritance, and the other child picks first. We actually had a friend that did this. She was elderly, married and divorced a couple times and was a shrewd investor. Her assets were in the 8 figures. She had one son. She also had a Jamaican care giver she met about 10 years before she died of cancer. He was her house keeper, driver, cook, clean. laundry. Just about everything she needed done. Near the end he was also her care giver. She left him $7 million and stipulation in her will was that any medical needs for him would be covered by any assets she left to her son. Not bad for about 10 years of work. ETA grammar |
|
Quoted:
No one should expect fairness in anything. Life's hard, get a helmetlawyer. Sad it has to come to this sometimes. But if you have slimy, morality-challenged relatives that's probably the best way to do things. I expect $0 so I cannot be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised 
|
|
Quoted:
Here's how I view it, right or wrong. I have 3 kids, substantial life insurance, less than substantial assets, and I have not divided it equally into 3rds. It's unfortunate but my youngest boy has serious medical issues and will require more care for the rest of his life. If my other 2 kids can't understand and appreciate that then that will be their problem. The main reasons I carry the insurance I have now is in response to my one son's condition. Nothing wrong with this. |
|
its up to the person to make a will and let it be know what their wishes are. Its up to the executor to try and make sure all of those wishes are met.
to me, after a death in the family, you have the best and worse come out. Some people think they are entitled and will do whatever to get what they think is "owed" to them. feelings and past history shouldnt make an affect on it. if your parents want it split evenly, its your job to do so. imo, i would feel really bad if a relaitve passed away and gave us $$$. especially if they could have done something fun with the $$$. they earned it and they should have the benefit from it. |
|
I went through this recently. 5 kids, we all inherited from my deceased father. My parents had trusts setup for the investments, and on the last living parents death, the trusts were to be divided 5 ways for the kids. My oldest brother and I were trustees. It went smoothly, the kids had divided up the posessions after my Dad passed, and the house sale proceeds divided 5 ways. No drama, no fighting. |
|
Well I think you captured the essence of inheritance with the idea that it is their money.
But I do think you have a point in the kids that are not responsible. So as a person, I have to ask myself - do I want all of my life's work and accumulated wealth go to a bone head. My answer is NO, I do not. Reminds me of a guy with 3 daughters - each got 750K. The wild one died with 6K, not a whole lot of time after her father (who left the money). His daughter blew through $744,000 and had zip to show and she died as a result of the drinking/drugging/whatever else she was doing. The maker of the will making the least responsible person the executor is foolish; however, I am guessing they probably do not share your opinion. Sometimes parents will establish a Trust, with the beneficiary being the bone-head with instruction on a monthly stipend or something of that nature. After seeing so much of this stuff go sideways (and I have seen plenty - believe you me), I have to tell you - just forget all about the $ and enjoy the people. Count on getting nothing and just manage the situation when they pass as best you can. Rules govern these things - so get familiar with them and be prepared. It's a hellish mess brother. |
|
Quoted:
State laws vary... Some comments as they would apply to VA: -A properly executed will trumps the 'wishes' of the heirs -If no will, the state will put it all in one pot and divide evenly among legal children -Executors have a fiduciary duty to follow the will. Deviation has a penalty, let them know that Bottom line, have mom and dad create a will, and make sure it's properly executed in whatever state they reside. And know where to find a legitimate copy. Some places have a registrar of wills, but with space being a consideration, many jurisdictions dropped them. |
|
Quoted:
Should siblings have an expectation of "fairness" in the division of any inheritance from their parents? No. Zero whatsoever. Inheritance is a gift. My dad has asked me several times what I think would be fair and I've made it perfectly clear that I expect nothing and if my sisters got everything it wouldn't bother me in the least. There is nothing in my mind which makes me think I am due any piece of their property. |
|
Quoted:
I have been taken by family. I don't expect any thing . Im right there with you. I dont expect anything from anyone and even though Im responsible for my mothers belongings in the event she dies one day, more than likely her will is set up so my sister(s) will receive anything she has. |
|
The will must stand and the trustee has to have the balls to enforce it. I had a in-law pass away this year and her live in daughter cleaned out the bank account the day her Mother died. She had a will that stated what was suppose to happen (money was to be used to support the upkeep of the house and pay all bills) and the trustee didn't have the balls to stop things from happening. |
|
I do death claims for a brokerage company, most go fine but I've seen some doozies.....from parasitic lawyers to lawsuits from siblings who were left nothing......they can be really ugly. Really, really ugly.
Maybe they thin the irresponsible one will "get better" with a little responsibility? |
|
Quoted: I hope my parents spend it all. They earned it. Mine too. The often joke with my brother and I that they will "spend it all" and I hope they do. What they have made for themselves through a lifetime of work and investment is theirs. I don't feel entitled to a dime. And FWIW, there is no such thing as a rock solid will or trust. A family member found that out the hard way when another family member passed and left a sizable trust for his addict, adult son. It had clearly spelled out criteria for sobriety, employment and such to trigger portions of the assets to be dispensed to him. Enter the ex wife (they divorced about 20 years previous). She (an attorney with her own firm) steps in, gets the trust voided, takes the money and sues the executor of the will for her own firms expenses. The executor had zero financial interest in the estate and wound up having to dip heavily into his own meager personal savings to pay the terms of the suit. |
| KPR - addressing only your concern, you are obligated as the executor to divide the assets equally. As executor, you must remove yourself from any personal feeling toward your siblings and do what the creators of the will wanted. If they wanted everything divided equally, you must do it. Even if a sibling was in prison or on skid row, their share is their share and if they pre-decease the will's creators, then their share (unless written out) goes to the deceased's estate. |
|
Sometimes parents will give more to an irresponsible child because they "need" it more. The same way that they enabled them their whole lives. IMO the parents are putting OP in a tough spot if they don't spell out as executor how they want it all divided. Because he is the responsible and fair one he will do his best to be fair, but the irresponsible siblings will always think that they were rooked. And if one sibling stays at Mom and Dads side and helps out while the others moved away, he may deserve to receive more. |
|
As your parent's executor, or personal representative, it will be your responsibility to carry out the instructions of a PROPERLY WRITTEN AND EXECUTED WILL, whether you agree with their requests or not.....
This.will.not.be.fun. 
I was fortunate to have inherited my Dad's watch, Straw hat, and electric smoker- 3 sisters and 2 half brothers- no one gave a damn about my selections- not one damn 
|
|
Quoted:
I've learned never to expect anything. I should have gotten a good chunk of cash when my grandmother died, about 17 years ago, but my lesbian aunt took it all for herself. Grandma had trusted her too much, and left all of her accounts in joint custody with her disturbed daughter. This! My wife just went through this when her grandmother died. Despite a will, a relative was able to obtain a general power of attorney and pilfer most of the money. Sad really. |
|
We have had 2 family inheritances in the last couple years. 1) My wife shared her parents estate with her only sister. Split 50/50 right down the middle. I did not witness one second of arguing, bitching, complaining or conflict. The overwhelming tone was grief at the loss of the parents. 2) A wealthy uncle passed. Left a son, a wife and daughter. He left the hardworking, responsible son pretty much everything. This included the wife staying in the home and living the life she had been accustomed to and watched over by the son. Which he does meticulously. Shortly after my uncles passing, the son, my cousin, came out of the closet and left his wife of 22 years*. If he did this when my uncle was alive, things might have gone different knowing my uncle. He left a small amount of money to be dispersed overtime to the never been employed, chronically lazy, disability collecting daughter. She told everybody to fuck off and returned to Missouri and committed suicide. * My cousins gay gene must have came from my non biological uncles DNA. We don't have that shit on my side of the family.
|
|
Quoted:
As your parent's executor, or personal representative, it will be your responsibility to carry out the instructions of a PROPERLY WRITTEN AND EXECUTED WILL, whether you agree with their requests or not..... This.will.not.be.fun.
I was fortunate to have inherited my Dad's watch, Straw hat, and electric smoker- 3 sisters and 2 half brothers- no one gave a damn about my selections- not one damn I've told my parents as much. They told me their will spells out everything already and I asked them to make sure of that so when the time comes there won't be any sqawking. I will do as it specifies. When we went through some rough emotional times my mother has made it a point to threaten us with removal from the will. I basically told them that I never really expected anything so on or off doesn't matter to me. I only moved closer to them to help them because they're getting old and as mean and callous as they have been to us in the past I don't wish growing old alone on anyone, least of all my parents as long as I can help it. Also, hoping this will be an example for my kids when mine and my wife's turn comes. Speaking of watches, my dad knows of my small collection and he already gave me his 1960's gold rolex day date complete with papers.  Couldn't thank him enough for that. Brother found out and tells me he was hoping to get it  probably end up pawning it.
|
|
This reminds me of when Bob Hope died. He put in his will how much he wanted everyone to get. But, just to make sure that there wasn't any legal squabbling, he put in the will that if anyone challenged the will in court and lost - their part of the inheritance would be reduced to $1. Pretty clever, I thought. |
|
I was a single child and didn't inherit a dime when either of my parents passed.
My mom passed and dad and his girlfriend spent every dime within a year. Dad passed and demon bitch spent every dime and came to me looking for more. Life goes on. Relatives who quibble over loved one's possessions (many before the loved one even passes,) sicken me. Grave robbing vultures, one and all. You get what you get. Grow the fuck up, people. I would be happy to have a few picture albums of family. |
|
Quoted:
Here's how I view it, right or wrong. I have 3 kids, substantial life insurance, less than substantial assets, and I have not divided it equally into 3rds. It's unfortunate but my youngest boy has serious medical issues and will require more care for the rest of his life. If my other 2 kids can't understand and appreciate that then that will be their problem. The main reasons I carry the insurance I have now is in response to my one son's condition. I would consider telling the other two children now of your plan. You, personally, can explain that you gave them something immeasurable - a healthy body. The other child didn't receive this, so you're trying to compensate for this with something that can never fully heal him - that being money. That will give them time to understand your reasoning. |
|
I was suppose to receive about $250k in property a few years ago. The executor (a relative) mentioned that he was thinking about selling it to himself for $100k. He also told me that he was going to take 10% of the estate for his time. I was upset, but didn't argue. After thinking about it a few days:
- I spent $300 and paid an independent appraiser, who gave me a written appraisal for $250,000, and some comparable sales. - I checked state probate laws, and found that executor fees were limited to a maximum 5% of the value of the estate. I sent a friendly letter to the executor, told him that I was interested in buying the property if he decided to sell it for less than than the appraisal, and I hope that the documentation (appraisal and copy of the law) helped him manage the estate. He was ticked. But he sold the property for $250k, and took only a 5% fee. |
. In my 30's now, hope it made them happy.
|
Quoted:
<snip> Speaking of watches, my dad knows of my small collection and he already gave me his 1960's gold rolex day date complete with papers. Couldn't thank him enough for that. Brother found out and tells me he was hoping to get it probably end up pawning it.Two pieces of advice: 1. The stuff that isn't covered explicity in the will (like the watch would have been) is where folks sometimes fuck over others. 2. Many (most?) states have a way for the named executor to bow out. I don't know if you want to consider option 2., but you might want to check into how that would be done if you decide to do so. I think that you have to do it at the beginning or not at all. On the up side, many states give the executor a percentage over and above provisions of the will for their dealing with the bullshit. Say 4% or so. Not a lot, but not zero. I'd say that you should consider who might get the 'executor' nod if you bow out. If it goes to someone who is a turd and they manage to burn through the estate, then you're fucked. You can't get cash from a pile of shit. The only way is to keep said pile from burning up the cash in the first place. Being an executor is essentially a fiduciary role. ( making sure the money is there, making sure it is sent out correctly and making sure the accounting is done correctly) It is a pain in the ass, but if your choice is to do it yourself or leave it to folks who are likely to screw it up, then I would recommend that you do it yourself. State laws vary, and talking to an estate attorney is a good idea. Even if you aren't handling the estate right now, it'll give you some idea of what to expect. Though, your parents should already have done this and if so you should talk to that attorney first. |
|
Quoted: Trying to get an idea of the common expectations of people when dealing with family inheritance. Yes, from a gun forum. In my case, I expect nothing from my elderly parents. They spent a small fortune and a couple inheritences smoking & drinking it away. Their money, their choice. As it stands now, my folks are living off what is left from a meager retirement fund + monthly S.S. In the past, my less than responsible brother has 'borrowed' the equivalent to a year's take home pay & to my knowledge hasn't paid it back. My lying, selfish and manipulative sister has also 'borrowed' something on the order of 3 years pay. She has not paid any back either. My father has given me 3 of his 8 rifles, they are in my safe and BY GOD that is where they are going to stay. My brother has said he wants one of them. I just grin. He'll never touch them again. Is what I described fair? Nah. If you go through life expecting 'fair' you'll be disappointed often. The other end of this inheritence situation.... My wife and I have our will and trust drawn & registered. We've selected an executor and will compensate her for her troubles. One thing we chose to do now was to ask our sons what they wanted from the estate. We told them don't be shy about asking and that asking does not necessarily mean they will receive - because both boys asked for some of the same things. It was a pleasent surprise what they did ask for. Not a bit of greed involved, they just asked for sentimental stuff. In the will there are several sheets of "gifting" instructions to the executor. A person is named and the inherited gift should be given to them upon our death, if they want it. The financial & realestate was actually easy to do. The money will be paid out equally over a ten year period mostly to lessen the tax burden on our sons. The realestate will be inherited by both boys equally because there is a known natural gas reserve on the property. We sat them and their wives down at Christmas for a family meeting and explained the terms and conditions of the will and trust so there are no surprises going forward. |
|
Quoted:
Here's how I view it, right or wrong. I have 3 kids, substantial life insurance, less than substantial assets, and I have not divided it equally into 3rds. It's unfortunate but my youngest boy has serious medical issues and will require more care for the rest of his life. If my other 2 kids can't understand and appreciate that then that will be their problem. The main reasons I carry the insurance I have now is in response to my one son's condition. This is a good act you are doing. |
| I solved this problem. I am MUCH better off than my sister. So I just told my folks to leave their (meager) estate to my sister, with the exception o a few sentimental items.. She was very grateful, and I still got to take things that were of sentimental value to me. |
|
Your parents should be distributing the money now, in 10000 sums to avoid tax liability. Oh yeah, let me add this gem..... My Grandmother died with around 100+K. It was split amonst her 4 daughters, with about $5K also going to each of 7 grandkids for college assistance. Except... get this. Me and my sister. Because I had already finished college, and my sister was married and had no desire to go to college, it was determined we didn't need it. I have held that against my mother for approx 10 years now, as she acted as though she didn't have any idea how that happened. But I don't believe that for a moment. Those 4 women share everything. I have never seen a family so open about every stupid portion of their lives. |
|
Quoted: I've learned never to expect anything. I should have gotten a good chunk of cash when my grandmother died, about 17 years ago, but my lesbian aunt took it all for herself. Grandma had trusted her too much, and left all of her accounts in joint custody with her disturbed daughter. I expect nothing from my parents...if they plan correctly, I won't get anything anyway that said..they have a will for a reason. it's their stuff...they want it done a certain way, so be it. And I hopefully don't have to worry about that for a good 20 or more years... |
|
My in-laws specifically made my wife the executor of their estate because she is the most fair, and logical. The other two siblings are completely selfish and would be horrible. They are very smart about it.Her parents saw his father die a few years ago, after being headed for a nursing home over a several year period, where the 3 brothers begged him to transfer funds so that medicaid wouldn't get everything he owned (house, several hundred thousand dollars, etc....). My FIL asked him to sell him the house, so that it would remain part of the family, but you know how old people are with money. |