[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Joke Thread (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 4/21/2005 9:28:12 AM EDT
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Post jokes. Doesn't matter how old they are, so long as they're funny. A man on a business trip to the big city decides that since it's his last day before he goes back, he might as well visit the most famous bar in the city, which is on the 40th floor of a tall building. He sits down at the bar and starts nursing a beer when a man in a rumpled suit and crooked glasses walks in, orders two tequilas, chugs down the tequilas, screams "GERONIMO!" and leaps out the window. The man is shocked at having just seen a suicide and stays at the bar in case the police need a witness. As he sips his beer, he's also slightly disturbed that the bartender has paid no attention to this unfortunate incident in his own establishment. A few minutes later, to his surprise, the same man comes in with an even more rumpled suit and his glasses have a cracked lense. He orders two tequilas, slams them down, screams "GERONIMO!" again and leaps out the window. Now the businessman is truly confused and decides to wait and see if the man comes back again. Sure enough, he walks in a third time with his suit horribly disheveled and his glasses missing. The businessman stopped him before he could order again and asked, "I just saw you walk in here twice, order two tequilas, and jump out that window. We're forty stories above the ground, how the heck did you survive the fall?!?!" "Easy. Right between this building and the one across the street the sun reflecting off the glass and concrete heats the air and makes a thermal. The warm air holds you aloft so you just float to the ground like a feather. Then you just take the elevator up, have a couple more drinks for courage, and do it again." "Wow! That's amazing! I've got to try that! Bartender, two tequilas!" With that, the businessman quickly drank both tequilas and leaped out the window, screaming until he hit the ground and died messily. The bartender stopped polishing mugs and stared out the window for a moment, then turned to the man in the rumpled suit. "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." This is from one of my English friends: For the benefit of the non-Brits I should point out that Scousers are what we call people from Liverpool. We make fun of them for being thieving gits and preferring to live off state handouts rather than actually working for a living. An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "Holy Mary mother of God - it's Jesus!" he exclaims. Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a drink. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Praise be to God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus. The Scouser shouts, "Keep yer effin' hands off me...I'm on disability benefit!" |
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A man buys a brand-new Porsche Turbo. He is alone driving on a deserted highway when he decides to open up the throttle. He is cruising along at 100 mph when he sees the red and blue lights behind him. He says to himself "this thing could blow the doors off that police cruiser" and decides to nail the gas. His car accelerates to upwards of 180 mph. Slowly, the lights of the police car disappear. After about ten minutes, a major guilt trip hits him and he decides to pull over. A couple of minutes later the policeman pulls up behind him, parks and gets out to speak with the owner of the Porsche. The policeman then yells at the driver, "If you can give me a good reason to be speeding in excess of 175 mph, I might just let you go with only a warning". After a couple of seconds the driver calmly replied "well, just last week my wife left me for a policeman and I thought you were trying to give her back". The policeman thinks about it for just a second and says "Have a nice day" |
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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. |
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A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out. He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player. He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player. He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!" |
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey. They take a seat at the bar. The man orders a drink and the monkey sits eating peanuts,pretzels and such, Whatever he can get his lil hands on. The monkey looks around a spots a cue ball on a nearby pool table, he jumps down,bounces over to the pool table,grabs the cue ball and eats swallows it. Now the players ,in the middle of their game are fuming, the barkeep is upset and tells them they need to leave. A few weeks later the man and monkey show up again, take a seat at the bar. the monkey grabs a peanut ,sticks it in his ass, pulls it out and eats it. He grabs a pretzel stick and did the same thing. This happens over and over a couple of times. The angry sickened barkeep, come over to the man and says, " WTF!!??? First you come in a few weeks ago and the monkey starts shit by eating the cue ball, now you come back and he's pulling shit like this!? Whats his problem??" "Well", says the man, " Ever since he ate that cue ball ,he checks everything for fit BEFORE he eats it!"  |
I love that joke! |
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Two guys find an old lamp. They figure that polished up it might bring them a quick four bits on the open market. As they polish it, a genie pops out. "I will grant each of you one wish." Says the genie. "Wow, cool." Says the first guy, "I wish for a billion dollars!" The genie nods his head, and suddenly a billion dollars in small unmarked bills appears in front of them. "All right!" Says the second guy. He then makes his wish. The genie nods his head, and suddenly a mob of angry white guys appear over the hill, with pitchforks, bats, and two nooses. Frightened, they run away. Soon they are trapped in an alley. As the angry mob advances on them, the first guy says, "What in the heck did you wish for?" "I wished to be hung like a black man!" |
To each their own 
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One day Superman was flying around the city when far down below he saw Wonderwoman laying on her back on top of a tall building, completely nude. Superman thought to himself, "Wow, I've got to have that. I'm superman. I can go down there, do my business, and leave before she even knows what's going on!" With that, he flew down, did the dirty faster than a speeding bullet, and flew away. Wonderwoman said, "What in the heck was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my ass is killing me." |
No clue...
Binary is based on 2s. For example, 1111 would be (going from left to right) 2 to the 3rd power (8), 2 to the 2nd power (4), 2 to the first power (2), and 2 to the 0th power (1). So binary 1111 is decimal 15. In the normal decimal (DEC) numbering system, 1111 would equal 10 to the 3rd power, 10 to the 2nd power, 10 to the first power, and 10 to the 0th power (equaling, of course, 1111). DEC is the number system based on 10, which we all use. OCT is based on 8s. So DEC 25 is just 25, but OCT 31 is 1 + (3x8), or 25. |
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What do you call two gay guys named Bob? Oral Roberts.  Saw this one earlier today in another thread. How come a scientists haven't discovered a cure for AIDS? Because they can't get lab rats to butt f*ck!  Two condoms walk by a gay bar. One says to the other..."lets go in and get shit faced." What do you call twin lesbians? Lick-a-likes. Three service men are retiring on the same day. They go to the paymaster to collect their retirement pay. The paymaster informs them of the Army's new retirement policy requiring the paymaster to measure the distance between any two points on the retiree's body and pay $1000 per year for every inch. The first to be measured is a Major General. Being 6 foot 2 inches, he instructs the PM to measure from head to toe. 74 inches the PM says and writes a check for $74,000. Next to be measured is a Lt. Colonel. He asks to have his armspan measured, fingertip to fingertip. 65 inches says the PM and writes the check. Last in is a old, grizzly mean assed Sergeant Major. SGM ponders for a while and asks to be measured from from the tip of his dick to his balls. The paymaster objects and tries to explain the retirement plan again to no use. "Tip to Balls" screams the SGM. So the PM obliges. He gets the tape, measures down the shaft and stops in horror. "Why SGM, you have no balls!" "Yeah I know, I left 'em back in Vietnam!!!!  |
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A muffin is sitting in a pan with a bunch of other muffins. Suddenly, someone grabs the pan and puts it in the oven. The muffin sits there for a minute, not thinking much of it. Then he notices that it's getting warmer. No big deal. But then it keeps getting warmer. He starts to get worried. He turns to the muffin next to him and says, "Is it getting hot in here?" The second muffin screams "AGGHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!" Thank you. |
[Homer]NERRRD![/Homer] |
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These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"  |
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A little girl is walking down main street with her father and they walk by a small bakery. The little girl asks her father if she could have a treat. The father says okay, and they go in and she picks out something and her father pays for it and they continue on. They walk around the corner and go into the barber shop. The little girl stands next to the barber chair, eating her treat while her Dad gets his hair cut. The barber smiles at her and says "Careful little girl, you're gonna get hair on your muffin". She replies, "Daddy says I'm gonna get boobs too!" An Irish daughter had left home and had not been heard of for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed at her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million." "For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath).and an invitation for all of you to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?", the father asked. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute , Dad! .. Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant" !! Come here and give your old man a hug!"  
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years |
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub yor chin with one hand... and try saying things like "yes I see, and "yes, go on" and "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin, and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next? |
No one except sick, twisted people would find your previous . . . uh . . . "joke" funny. Making excuses for it isn't going to help your case. Making light of something that horrible is perverted. |
| It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." |
Humor is often relative to the individual, Some people for instance don't find lynching funny. hinking.gif |
| One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall." |