Posted: 6/3/2008 11:04:11 PM EDT
|
My step daughter is almost 19 years old and very messed up. Her dad is in prison. Drug dealing, addict. Meth. My step daughter has seen her dad go through this for years. He is her idol, in spite of his faults. She BARELY made it though high school and after a year of college in Utah has a 2.07 GPA. Lots of run-ins with the law...by 16 had THREE FELONY charges against her which we paid her way out of. She wanted to move in with us again...I said "no" because we have 3 young kids who don't need her influence. However, she wants to have "five kids" by some fucker who gets out of prison in 2 weeks. He is also a drug dealer. "BUT...I LOVE HIM" WTF? She is not evil, she is fucked up by her father...but I can't seem to get her to take her life seriously...any suggestions? |
It's harsh, but she's not your responsibility anymore.
Dude, she came back to visit this summer with more ink than a Vegas whore...for real.
He has...she doesn't listen to him either. |
|
Ask her how many of her kids she wants to see in jail. Ask her how many of her kids will be taken away from her when "the love of her life" begins beating her and the kids, and she refuses to leave. You tried to keep her out of harms way so that she wouldn't have to learn from her mistakes. If she hasn't learned by now, tell her that she is on her own, no bail outs or anything, and good luck and to only come back when she is prepared to make rational decisions based on evidence at hand, prior history, and the cost/benifit concept. 
|
I had a long, hard talk with her last night. I used to do prison ministry work and I know how recidivism rates are. She just won't listen. |
|
Obama/Clinton 2008. Because it makes more sense than that shit.
This is the kind of problem that can only be solved by shuffling problematic people off this mortal coil and exercising authoritarian control over the daughter. If your last name isn't Corleone, then you best give up on her and move on. |
|
I have a cousin that, IMO, ought to be in jail and isn't. Her mother bailed her out, let her go and do whatever, bought whatever she wanted, etc.. She never learned any responsibility because she never had to. Both her kids are pretty well useless too. She has nearly bankrupted her mother, and one of those kids now lives with grandma since mommy and boyfriend taught her to shoplift(among other things). Write her off, and don't look back. She will either straighten out, or not. |
Therapy, and lots of it. That's all you can suggest, all you can hope for...and probably the last thing she'll do. Sounds like she never really had a chance, thanks to shitbag dad. 
|
|
People don't change, they just modify their behavior. If she's not even willing to modify her behavior, she needs to be written off. My best friend has a 16yr old daughter living with his ex and she is a total loser. Occassionaly the daughter will call and throw him a bone, make it seem like she still cares. But what she does is talk to his youngest daughter, her half-sister who is 10 and tells her about her sexcapes. The youngest daughter has dramatically changed this last year, very moody and very hateful of all boys because she is a devout christian and is torn between her religious upbringing and the lurid tales her older half-sister is telling her. Write her off... save your other children while you can. |
|
Some people are slow to make the connection between behavior and consequences. Some people never do. I was a slow learner, in my mid-20s when I realized I caused most of my problems. After that I started paying closer attention. The "But I love him (in spite of him being a scum bag, drug dealing thug)" claim shows that she is desperate enough for a relationship with him that she will sacrifice herself and her future for it. Not rational. I read an article that said women tend to marry men who remind them of their father. It could be that her relationship with her own father was less than it could have been, so she's trying to fill that void with someone else with similar traits. I've known women who hooked up with an abusive loser because in their experience growing up, they developed a perception from watching their father that this is how men are supposed to be. It sounds crazy, but they didn't have anything to compare it to. In your situation, I think I would try to have a calm duscussion with her. A technique I have used with my own stepdaughter is to not lecture her. This will cause her to put up a wall and communcation ends. What I do is ask her questions. I'll tell her, "You don't have to give me an answer. I'm giving you things to think about. You answers and decisions are yours." This has worked pretty well. Possible questions: - What kind of life do you want for yourself? Where do you want to be in 5, 10, and 20 years? Do you think this is the kind of guy who can get you there? - Do you think that his track record, not just his words, shows him to be somebody you would be able to trust to be faithful and supportive of you? - Wanting to be a Mom is commendable. There is a huge responsibility in training children. Is this the kind of guy you want to be a role model and guide for your children? My stepdaughter was going out with a guy who was wrong, wrong, wrong. She was over 18, so I knew what would happen if I told her "You will not..." That's when I came up with the question technique of leading her to analyze the situation. She ended up realizing that this guy would not be able to be the kind of husband she wanted and broke up with him. This is a difficult situation, but she has brought it about, not you. As noted above, she is legally an adult. That means she has to shoulder her responsibilities. Don't bail her out. Don't pay for her bad decisions. She will continue to be dependent on you if you do. Good luck, man. I know it isn't easy. |
|
She is in desperate need of solid guidance. It's possible that you're her last, best hope for turning into a worthwhile human being. No, it won't be easy. But maybe it's the right thing to do. YOU can set an example, maybe the first really GOOD one she's ever had to work with. If you don't do it, WHO WILL? The choice is yours, of course. But the choice you make will affect her life most of all. CJ |
|
Just dont let her have kids. She is still young and around the age of 21-23 she will start to grow up and get out of that stupid late teen bullshit. You should encurage her to find a nice normal boyfriend or just friend. The only people who can really have a huge impace on people in her age group, are other people her age. |
Your first mistake was paying her way out of THREE FELONY charges. If you are not prohibiting the behavior you're encouraging it. If you let her move in it will only cause more problems at home |
With 3 felonies already, I don't think that's going to be a problem... |
Well, that wasn't necessarily the best move.
You don't fix that at age 19. You have to fix that at age 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
Yes, she is.
None that are of much use at age 19.........
Then you know that her only hope is to hear the Gospel. Preach it, friend. It won't make her like you, but it's her only hope. |
|
for the love of god tell her to see a shrink!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is hope for her. you are saying she is not evil, she needs help big time. she wants to move in with you,I Would say yes but one thing she needs to see a shrink. twice a week and if she don't she out ,if she said yes, then you or your wife should take her to make sure she does go. make sure she starts to see one before her scum bag boyfriend comes back into her life, if I was you I would make some calls to a lot of shrinks,, Go see a few to get a feel of how they are.becouse there are a lot of shrinks that just care about getting payed every week and not do any thing.you need a shrink that has a strong strong personality, with a no bull shit attitude good luck.. |
|
Logic will not work. Relative. Dropped out of high school 5 weeks early because of bad drug deal. Rolled 3 vehicles by age 18. Threatened to sue family. Arrested and deported from a foreign country and passport seized. Had IRS after him with an attachment. Beat up maid while a juvenile. Beat first wife. Is beating second wife. Two police incidents in the last year. Accussed sibling of murdering parents. Accused siblings of forging deeds, stealing money, all untrue. Drug dealer.  He is now on his 10th or 11th law firm - all of which dump him in a couple of months. Wanna trade? |
Brohawk summed up my thoughts best. My parents tried the "you will not" approach with one of my sisters regarding the man she was dating. They saw the writing on the wall that she was unable to recognize. Despite the fact that my parents were right, all their approach did was drive her more strongly to Mr. Wrong. |
|
I fail to see how she is messed up by her father. If she was 5 or 6 and acting out, I could understand, but she's 19, and she knows right from wrong now. Theres also nothing you can do about it, besides completely disowning her and cutting off communication etc... chances are she's heading towards drug abuse and victimhood, and thats going to impact anyone she's able to associate with. You can't make her get fixed, you can't chain her down so she can't see the convict, you can't make her move with you to some isolated desert island, you can't keep her from smoking shit or stickin' it in her veins, You can keep her from stealing from you, you can prevent the rest of the family from being hurt by her, you can cut off any lifeline or support system helping to fuel her bad choices, She's an adult who will do as she pleases, it ain't looking good for her future, but she chose her role models, not you. Sorry
|
|
19 is too late. Sorry bud. As much as you want to help, the softer you make life for her, the less she'll learn from it. Your best bet at this point is to be firm that you're no longer available to help, but only be a listening ear when she comes back around to complain about how hard life is. She's an adult, at this point you can only make suggestions, and she'll only listen if she wants to. |
|
Sometimes you have to cut your losses. People understand reason and force. She can't be reasoned with so force her to live with her decisions and take care of herself. The wife and 3 children you have should be your focus, not the girl that was given multipe chances and screwed them up. |
You can't control her, and she doesn't want to hear what you have to say.
 I guess there was some wishful thinking that she would straighten out? I suggest letting her take the next one straight up. I mean, c'mon: meth, felonies -- you thing the problems are going to get smaller or larger? Better for her to get a reality check now.Do NOT let her behavior suck the rest of your family and life down the shit vortex. Good luck. |
|
Been through something similar with my semi-deadbeat brother and parents. Finally convinced my parents that, at 33 years old and healthy/able-bodied, he isnt entitled to any more of their money even at the cost of losing his house. Our approach: 1. All funding stops immediately, even for "emergencies". She wont finish college with her attitude/beliefs, and will most likely end up arrested and in prison herself soon. Dont throw good money after bad, and tell her bluntly why. She is an adult and has made her decision, she is expected to support herself 100% effective immediately. 2. She needs to know that she will be expected to pay the consequences for her choices. Nobody will be coming to bail her out of jail, help her raise the 5 bastard kids she is about to have, etc. You are off to a good start by putting your foot down about moving back in. If Mom isnt 100% behind you on this, she needs to know there is zero negotiation on this subject. 3. If she still has keys to your house or any other possessions, change them immediately. Dont think she and boyfriend wont steal you blind when the house is empty. Just do it, dont even tell her. Let her find out on her own. Sometimes a sledgehammer between the eyes is the only thing that will drive the point home. Even then, she will not believe it until you actually back it up with "NO" and cut her loose to fend for herself. Good luck. |
+1. I'm not saying not to let her come back, but if you do she had better live by your rules and that's it. If she screws up or gets in trouble, than sorry about her luck. If she does not want to live by your rules than she can live elsewhere. Also, she pays her own way, not you. |