Posted: 6/1/2006 5:05:21 PM EDT
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Well, this house building project has been the most stressful thing my wife and I have ever done. I won't get into the details of it since I have posted the problems in other threads. Basically the contractor is a POS and there isn't much we can do without holding the project up even more. Anyways, if it wasn't for me taking Zoloft (from stress brought on by this) I'd probably be in the same condition she is in. It has gotten to the point that every day we see this house with no progress, she is on the verge of tears, or her blood pressure skyrockets, her face turns red and her hands start twitching. Our sex life has taken a dive, and she is generaly in a bad mood. So, what can I do to help? I wish I could talk her into some anti-depressants, but she doesn't even like the idea of me taking them. I have been supportive, but I wish there was more I could do. Any ideas? |
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How is your living conditions/finances during all this? If you have a roof over your head and are not taking it up the ass on money then you should see that as a very good thing. How much of the stress is because of the asshole contractor and his bullshit and how much is from simple anticipation (not getting what you expected, not knowing what the next day will bring). If it's the latter you can deal with it better, just expect it never to work out and you'll never be disappointed  . If it's the former then you should be planning to make the contractor's life a living hell after he's done with the house as payback for the shit he's put you through. That's a happy thought. 
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I have witnessed how building a new house can tear a family apart and cause stress beyond belief. I feel for you. Is a vacation a consideration? Can she stay with close relatives to get her away from the environment? These simple things can change your entire outlook and remind you what is important and what is not. /earp just returned from vacation minutes ago.....
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Try to get her to agree that this is another phase in life, and that you will be by her side no matter what. You both stand a better chance for survival together. Changes/phases/whatever are a constant threat to relationships. Its how you handle these things that make the difference between 20-some year old marriages, or stories about the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd wife. Medications have their place, however mutual support can provide powerful medicine as well. Best wishes. |
I agree completely with Hedonist, I think this is the best course of action. |
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Buy her some massages and perhaps a weekend spa trip or two - that she can just go and do whenever she gets too frustrated. Try the little things - a big hug (without us trying to grope her), the occasional back rub or foot rub (without us trying to turn it into sex) or just a good bottle of wine to relax with in the evening (without us trying to turn it into sex). You know - that touchy feeley non-sexual crap that women really seem to value  If you're not already (and I'm sure you arer) volunteer to deal with some of the things that drive her insane, to take the pressure off her. My wife and I sometimes TRADE these chores. I sometimes talk to her house painter when he is driving her crazy, and she volunteers to talk to my body guy (for the Mustang) when I don't want to deal with it. |
though this…. I would love to own a home.
+1 That's the way to look at it. There are zillions of people all over the world who only dream of actually being able to build and customize a home just the way they want. With that being said however, when you get done, it won't be perfect. No house is. But ten years from now you'll look back on things and they will seem so trivial. Good luck guy! |
Reality check, it is just a house, walk away if it is that bad. Nothing, I repeat Nothing material on this earth is worth your sanity, your wifes sanity, or your marriage. Stop going to the house, and hire a lawyer if the contractor is not fulfilling the contract. Walk if you have too. |
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Do you have friends, family, or neighbors that have been through this? See if you can find someone that has been there-done that, and take them out to dinner. It might help give your wife a sense of perspective and a sense that once you are out the other side it will be worth it. Spending an evening talking with someone who has an understanding may do alot for your wifes frame of mind. Also, having a strong hand and plan for dealing with the problem may reassure her that while things aren't going right, you are handling it and she doesn't need to get so wound up about it. I hope it works out for you. |