Posted: 2/8/2010 2:26:09 AM EDT
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Sometimes, I just have no idea what my wife's side of the family is all about. Here's my problem:
My son's birthday was today, so my wife and I threw a huge party to celebrate his turning 3. My wife's family was, of course, invited. So everyone shows up, and her grandmother says that she would like to talk to me. Side note on her grandmother. I'm not really all that sure that she likes me. Like, at all. She's never said anything, but it's just a feeling. She's also extremely well known in NH. In fact, I doubt there's anyone in this state that DOESN'T know her name. Strangely enough, she's rather intimidating, and I get the feeling that she only gives me ANY respect at all because I was in the .mil, and deployed to Iraq. She was also recently in a very serious car accident, and is convinced that she's going to flunk life at any moment. Back to the main story. So I go over to find out what she wants. She tells / asks me if it would be OK if she took my wife and son down to Disney in October. Just them. Now, being persona non grata doesn't really bother me, but I'll tell you what does. This would be my son's first trip to Disney, and seeing that I've never been before, I thought that when he turned 7 or 8, we would go together. I thought that would be pretty cool. Also, she seemed to take it as a given that the answer to her question was "Yes", and she was only asking to make sure all the boxes were checked. Another thing is, my wife would be taking a week of her yearly vacation time and not spending it with me and the boy as a family. She always talks about how we never spend any time together. She wants to go, but I'm not sure that if the roles were reversed, that she would let me head off to Florida with my family, without her. Here's my problems, in order: 1) I'm pretty sure she tried to manipulate me by asking at my son's birthday. How can I say no in front of my entire family, and make a big scene? 2) She made it clear that she wanted to take my son to Disney before she dies. 3) I don't think it's fair that the reason for the trip is my son, but I am Not Invited. 4) She didn't really ask me. She basically told me it was planned. 5) This whole situation is fucking assed up. I am really not comfortable with it at all. Tell me what you guys think, and the poll will be up shortly. No pics of wife. Sorry, but ARFCOM will survive. EDIT: Alright guys, I have the outcome. It's not exactly what I wanted, but it isn't bad either. Like most of you said, he's only 3 so he probably won't remember the trip. So what I did, was pretty much tell my wife how I felt about the whole thing. Strangely enough, the same thing that was bothering me (That it was pretty much a done deal) was bothering her too. So, heres where being married comes in. Time for compromise. She's still going. But there won't be any record of them going. No pictures, video, NOTHING! That's the deal. Grandma's going to be happy, she gets to spend time with her great grandson, but my son won't be able to ask the awkward "Where were you, Dad?" question. I wouldn't feel right asking them to turn this down, as it would be a much better trip than we can afford. By the time he's 6 or so, we'll have the cash for a really blow out trip to Disney, and he'll actually be able to remember it this time. Basically, good feelings and all that happy horse shit. Thanks for the opinions from everyone, it made me at least feel like I wasn't dead ass wrong. For all those that tagged for the outcome, I'm sorry that I didn't melt down in a truly epic fashion, start calling people names, and end with threatening to sue Ed Sr. Not all threads can be LEGEND. |
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What does your wife think? God only knows what she thinks. I'm not a particularly timid type, and I'd tell her if I had a real problem with it. But I'm not sure if I'm being selfish or what. BTW, I doubt that she'd divorce me over Disney. We've been married for 6 years and together for 8. |
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I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way?
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Tell her you and your wife will discuss it and tell her later what your decision is. a 3 year old is a bit young for Disney World, a few more years and he'd have a lot more fun there.
And yes, the way she did it was very manipulative and designed to put you on the spot. |
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5) This whole situation is fucking assed up. I am really not comfortable with it at all. You've already assessed the situation. It now appears to me you need the gumption to act in a manner to protect your own best interests. When I was married, I accepted the fact that being married means giving in, being manipulated, etc. And I was never in a situation as you are. But if I was in your situation and had made the assessment you have, I'd politely tell the MIL something along the lines of you had already planned on taking your son to Disney as you really wanted to be there for his first trip. That's pretty congenial - I'd try to keep things happy between family. On the other hand, depending on my mood, I just might tell her no - with zero explanation. When it comes to something I don't want to do, I can and will forgo all forms of protocol, and proudly proclaim no. Fuck the consequences. Good luck. |
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Quoted: Tell her you and your wife will discuss it and tell her later what your decision is. a 3 year old is a bit young for Disney World, a few more years and he'd have a lot more fun there. And yes, the way she did it was very manipulative and designed to put you on the spot. Nonsense! As I said above, 3-5 is the perfect age. they see mickey rather than some guy in a costume 
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Quoted:
I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way? The money isn't the problem. However, I was Not Invited. I just have no god damn clue. I say "No" and granny kicks the bucket , then I feel like an asshole. |
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Tell her you and your wife will discuss it and tell her later what your decision is. a 3 year old is a bit young for Disney World, a few more years and he'd have a lot more fun there. And yes, the way she did it was very manipulative and designed to put you on the spot. Nonsense! As I said above, 3-5 is the perfect age. they see mickey rather than some guy in a costume 3 is far differet then 5. I said a few more years. 5 or 6 and he would have a lot more fun. At 3, he would be overwhelmed by the sights and he really couldn't do to much. |
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I'd check with the wife. If she's ok with it, let them go. At 3, your son is not going to remember much, so you can go back when he's a little older. Besides, you'll have some nice quiet time around the house. See, I thought about that, but I would know I wasn't there. I work 3rd shift, so I miss a ton of stuff. I'm going to go home and sleep on it. Who knows, maybe I'll actually be able to do something with out pissing someone off. I'm kinda boo faced about the whole situation. |
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Grow a set and tell Granny "NO!" and what your reasons for it are. Make sure she gets the fact that you are giving her the courtesy of explaining your decision and not trying to justify it. Your mind is made up.
Being old doesn't give her a free ride to just do whatever she wants. |
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I would most defintely talk to the wife about this.
See where shes at with this whole thing. Honestly?? If shes any sort of GOOD wife , she would tell granny herself that , you are a family , and as such you do things together and that if she is not comfortable with that then , thank you but no thanks were not going. A bit of assuming on my part follows: Since granny is so well known, is it a possibility that she has a ton of dough ? Did you wife grow up in a family that DIDNT do things together?? Nannies and shit like that?? This was a sore spot with me and the ex. The way I look at it is.... Youre a family , it doesnt matter waht youre doing , it matters that you do it TOGETHER. Personally I tell granny to stuff it, we all go or no one goes. |
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Quoted: So, turn it around on her.Quoted: I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way? The money isn't the problem. However, I was Not Invited. I just have no god damn clue. I say "No" and granny kicks the bucket , then I feel like an asshole. Say, "WOW, I was planning on taking the wife and kid to Disney, I think it's great that you would pay for them; I wasn't sure that I could afford to take all of us, now all I have to pay for is me. You're great for doing this. We are going to have a great time!" |
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So, turn it around on her.
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I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way? The money isn't the problem. However, I was Not Invited. I just have no god damn clue. I say "No" and granny kicks the bucket , then I feel like an asshole. Say, "WOW, I was planning on taking the wife and kid to Disney, I think it's great that you would pay for them; I wasn't sure that I could afford to take all of us, now all I have to pay for is me. You're great for doing this. We are going to have a great time!" Excellent. |
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There's an option your poll didn't have. F*** what the grandma wants. That would've got my vote.
Seriously if you aren't a part of this I think you and the son will regret this. Doesn't matter what the mom or grandma wants, this is about the son, and you should be there. |
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I don't understand why Disney is always treated like Shangri-La. Woo-hoo! Let's all pay lots of money and go stand in line!!!!
I took my kids at 3. It was not the great experience it was supposed to be, and they have no memory of the trip. There was a lot of whining and a lot of down time when they wore themselves out and I had to carry one of them. Now that I've got that off my chest, I don't think you are out of line. Talk to your wife and tell her that this is important to you. |
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Oh, give the guy a break. I would have said "Let me talk it over with the wife and I'll get back to you!" Explain to your wife that you think it is pretty shitty to go off and do without you. If she insists, or is manipulative, then proceed from there. If it turns out that granny has just slipped a knotch, then you worried over a lot of nothing. Most women want you to go do all kinds of shit with the first kid. "Oh... his first trip to this mall!" I'd be surprised if she wanted grandma to go with her and the boy instead of you. |
| I know the lady not wanting you to go is upsetting,and I see your point on everything.I think if the Grandmother is willing to do that for them it is better than having a grandmother that does nothing, like some people have.Her asking to take the child alone would be ok but alot of parents would be scared of that.So,asking a parent to come with them makes sence.But out of common sence ,she should have invited both of you.Maybe money is the reason more than you. |
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It's your son and you should be there. Regardless if he won't remember, one day your son will be looking at a video or looking at pictures of his first trip to Disney and you'll inevitably hear "Where were you daddy?"
An incredibly similar situation happened to a friend of mine. It caused my friend to break into tears instantly. 
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I'd take a Taoist perspective and turn that which is annoying into a kick ass gift.
Go with em. It's not like she can tell you no if you're paying your share of the trip. It'll put the ball back in her court if she wants to "take it away from you" she'll have to be a bitch and overtly explicitly exclude you. Reppeat after me: That sounds like a GREAT idea! You know what? I think I can get the time to come too. We'll all have a BLAST together. 
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I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way? The money isn't the problem. However, I was Not Invited. I just have no god damn clue. I say "No" and granny kicks the bucket , then I feel like an asshole. If grandma kicks the bucket without taking the kid to Disney World, I guarantee she won't care. On the other hand, I suppose she might gain some cool memory to carry until she does die, but leaving you out of the picture is unsat. In that case, she's simply being selfish. |
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I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way? The money isn't the problem. However, I was Not Invited. I just have no god damn clue. I say "No" and granny kicks the bucket , then I feel like an asshole. screw that! you aren't just some guy that hangs around. Tell her you'll think about it, or just say no. YOU'RE going to be there for his first trip. She doesn't run your family, just because she made her mind up about something, doesn't make it a done deal. Say something to the wife, and point out its a shitty move on grannys part. And you want the family, YOU, her and the boy, to go together the first time. If the old lady kicks off before she has a chance to play grandma, oh well. At least it'll give you something to chuckle about during the funeral. |
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I wonder if you are able to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel and listen to her ideas of how to handle it.
Perhaps if you told her your feelings are hurt that you have been excluded and that you are excited about being there the first time your child goes to Disneyland she might suggest you go or intercede on your behalf with her grandmother on her own. That seems gentler than "This is how it's going to be," know what I mean? 
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I'd tell grandma, "That's terrific, thank you so much for doing this! WE can't wait to go!" Tell her it's a package deal and that you are going because it's important to you, and that you want to spend time with your family. Point out that if it's an issue of money, you are fine paying for yourself, and that G-mom can pay for your wife and kid. It almost sounds like shes doing the trip as a present to your son, and that she's taking your wife as well only because she wouldn't be able to handle your son otherwise.
Talk to the old lady, she's just an old person getting ready to die. What can she do to you? (Other than have you whacked apparently )
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Here in Florida it's somewhat normal for maybe a grandma to take just her granddaughter and kids to Disney, but thats only because Orlando is kinda close and maybe her husband has to work. Since you're in another state, I suspect your wife's grandmother is trying to drive a wedge or at least cause drama between you and your wife. This plan stinks of the drama causing mind fuck games I've seen women play because it'll cause drama and division if you say yes or if you say no. The only way you can win is to go to Disney too.
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I recently took my 4 year old to disney. i wouldn't want to miss that. but, i think it's better for the kids if they're young enough to see Mickey and not Some Guy In a Mickey Costume. so I'd say him going at 3 without you is better than him not going till he's 8. can you perhaps pay your own way? The money isn't the problem. However, I was Not Invited. I just have no god damn clue. I say "No" and granny kicks the bucket , then I feel like an asshole. If your wife and kid are going, you are invited. Whether grandma wants you there or not. I have in-laws that have tried to exclude me from almost everything. My wife and I let them know that we are one anothers' top priority and if you want one of us, you get both of us. You paying your own way would be an acceptable compromise. Granny gets to enjoy your family, you get to enjoy your family. Edit: this being said, my mil lives in Floriduh. If she wants to take my wife and son to Disney without me, more power to her. I hate that place. Not real fond of the state either. |
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I'd take a Taoist perspective and turn that which is annoying into a kick ass gift. Go with em. It's not like she can tell you no if you're paying your share of the trip. It'll put the ball back in her court if she wants to "take it away from you" she'll have to be a bitch and overtly explicitly exclude you. Reppeat after me: That sounds like a GREAT idea! You know what? I think I can get the time to come too. We'll all have a BLAST together.
This sounds like the best course of action yet. |
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Quoted: Let the old lady take them. 3 is too young to go to disney and be a joy for all of the people involved. Around 5 is when they are really fun to be around for the whole 12 hours. You're leaving out the fact that Disney is still fun for the adults even when the kids are little. |
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All the family doesn't have to look you in the face each morning, you do. Don't budge on this. It's your wife and your son. They should be doing things WITH YOU.
My wife used to do things like this. When we got married, I told her that I didn't get married to do things by myself (vacations, weekends away, etc). At first it was a real problem as nobody in her family has a real, daily job where they have to be somewhere and get somethig done. They all either are retired or work for themselves. She's a teacher. So, it just blows their mind she can't drop everything and go somewhere. |
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First you should talk to your wife and find out what she thinks. It always helps to have your spouse on the same page. Personally, I agree with you. You wanted to be able to take YOUR family on this trip and be there. Its really crappy that you aren't 'invited'  I would agree to it only on the condition that you go as well. When my wife and I got married we agreed that each of us was responsible for issues concerning our own parents, so far that has worked pretty well. Then again I get along with my in-laws, and my wife gets along with my parents. |
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I was getting my back up in your defense, till I read this guy's experience:
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I don't understand why Disney is always treated like Shangri-La. Woo-hoo! Let's all pay lots of money and go stand in line!!!! I took my kids at 3. It was not the great experience it was supposed to be, and they have no memory of the trip. There was a lot of whining and a lot of down time when they wore themselves out and I had to carry one of them. Now that I've got that off my chest, I don't think you are out of line. Talk to your wife and tell her that this is important to you. Screw that. Stay home, buy a motorcycle and plan your Spring road trip. With a little bit of luck, you'll run amok.
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