Posted: 10/18/2009 6:30:05 AM EDT
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A very good friend of ours is home on R&R, he is an NCO currently serving in Afghanistan. On Friday he learned that two of his men were killed in an IED attack. His wife and my wife are very close and she is concerned and at a loss for what to do or say. She is not a long time Army wife, this is a second marriage for both of them and he is in the Guard so not usually on regular duty.
I can imagine that he feels a lot of things since he wasn't there, but my question is this, is there anything that she should be doing or saying? Is there anything beyond being there that she can do? Any input or advice would be appreciated. Thanks |
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Having served in the military for many years in EOD, and having had several personal friends killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, there's no easy answer.
The best response I've seen so far from members of my unit is to simply spend time around the person left behind to let them know they are not alone. Don't ask specific questions about what happened or how, just be there. When it is possible to lift their mood with an upbeat and light-hearted attitude, try to do that. When they need to grieve, let them do that, too. When they want to talk don't interrupt, just listen, even if you don't understand what they're talking about. If possible, get them out of the house daily. The more time they spend alone, the more time they have to sit and think of their loss. If you can help provide small breaks in their grief time, it may give them the strength they need to keep going. One thing that I've noticed is that many people who survive close friends being killed is they find ways to make it their fault. "I wasn't there." "It should have been me." When it comes up, let them know it is NOT their fault. Good luck. |
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Quoted:
Having served in the military for many years in EOD, and having had several personal friends killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, there's no easy answer. The best response I've seen so far from members of my unit is to simply spend time around the person left behind to let them know they are not alone. Don't ask specific questions about what happened or how, just be there. When it is possible to lift their mood with an upbeat and light-hearted attitude, try to do that. When they need to grieve, let them do that, too. When they want to talk don't interrupt, just listen, even if you don't understand what they're talking about. If possible, get them out of the house daily. The more time they spend alone, the more time they have to sit and think of their loss. If you can help provide small breaks in their grief time, it may give them the strength they need to keep going. One thing that I've noticed is that many people who survive close friends being killed is they find ways to make it their fault. "I wasn't there." "It should have been me." When it comes up, let them know it is NOT their fault. Good luck. Thank you ShadowGuard, from what I have been told the self blame has been mentioned. His is a smaller unit on a remote base and he knows where in the convoy he would have been. Thank you for your service and your advice. |
I would say just being there and echo what was said earlier - listen when he wants to talk, follow his lead somewhat. I would also add, for the wife, when he is wishes he was with his men, please don't take that personally as though he wishes he weren't home. He's in a very emotional and tough spot right now. Prayers out to all involved....
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