[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Very important topic (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 11/7/2005 11:09:46 PM EDT
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I have a few things that are very important, I must get them off my chest. 1. If you have a big mouthful of candy corn, and you drink a swig of beer at the same time, a frothy sickening mess happens inside of your mouth, and makes you vomit. 2. Flushable wipes are very cool.....why did it take 100 years of industrialized civilization to figure out that a wet wipe does a better job on the starfish than a feeble, dry piece of tissue? 3. Why did I arrive on Earth 15 years too early, and miss out on the blowjob as a casual dating practice? When I was 17, getting a girl near your knob with her lips was like pushing a cat through a toilet paper tube. Possible, but it took a lot of struggling. Now, it's a polite form of greeting. I curse the heavens for this....and I also resent that shorn beavers are the rage, cause when I was younger it was always a risk that the panties would come down and you'd find more hair than an 80's Warrant concert down there. 4. Is there anything sadder than someone who still wears cheap black tennis shoes? I hate to stereotype people, but black sneaks are lame, lame, lame. I know they're like 4 pairs for $20 at Payless, and that they don't show dirt or dog poo or whatever you walk through with them, but they make you look like you're recently divorced, living in a basement cooking dinners off of a hotplate. Pony up the extra $10, buy some decent running shoes, and at least look like you're not still listening to Journey albums. Jeesh. 5. At some point in my life, a small change happened and I'm not sure I recognized it as it occurred. I realized this today, when I was at the mall. I was walking past that little photo booth, and there were two teenage girls in there together, and for the first time ever I didn't instantly start fantasizing about a little strip of topless lesbian photos coming out of the little slot in 3 minutes, and me running off with them. I just looked in there at the two girls, thought to myself "That's nice, they must be friends", and went on about my business. Damn, I must be growing up.....or dying. 6. I've figured out, much to my delight, that I can with some consistency make someone angry enough to IM me repeatedly to call me a dickhead, jackass or douchebag in less than three posts when I ridicule their intelligence, or lack thereof. Defending gay people in any way shape or form will also get you a few unsavory messages, often accusing you of being gay, being a troll, or some other nice sentiment about my family roasting in hell. I have a small collection of saved IM's, that I keep in a digital "scrapbook", and look at them often with self-satisfaction that I was able to wring out blind hatred by some of this site's most revered posters....and often its better Christians. <pats self on back> 7. My wife bought some shampoo that smells exactly like strawberry milk tastes. I fought for 1 month, in vain, to resist the urge to find out what it tastes like. Not strawberry milk, it turns out. 8. You know you're doing something right when after the fact you cannot find a body-sized area of the bed that is without a wet spot. 9. Did you ever look up at the stars and wonder if Jim Nabors was looking at them too? Shazam. 10. Human beings have done such miraculous things, and in 100 years we have gone from powered flight to the nanotechnology, deciphering the human genome, putting men into space and providing even the poorest of our society access to computers and instant communication all over the world. It's a wonderful time to be alive, yet with all our glory why damnit why can't we make a celery stick taste like a Hershey bar instead like a big crunchy piece of grass? For chrissakes!! Thank you, that is all. |
  ETA: 7. My wife bought some shampoo that smells exactly like strawberry milk tastes. I fought for 1 month, in vain, to resist the urge to find out what it tastes like. Not strawberry milk, it turns out. Thats just to da,m funny 
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For your information, I'm not gay.....it's the Walmart pants that give me that appearance but trust me I'm mostly heterosexual. I will admit to wanting to fuck the chicks on the Poison album cover, until I found out they weren't chicks. |
So WTF, Homer? You saying that everything I do is fucked up? I wear black tennies and have a Camaro too. Does a mullet make your list, as well? 
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I really have no idea on what to say to that. 
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It disturbs me that you have "not gay, Walmart, and mostly heterosexual in the same sentence. You need to seek help or a friend that can get your flower to bloom. Tootalls 
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Yeah, I get that alot. I did seek help once, but I knew something was wrong. He kept calling me cutie and asked what it would take to get me into a pair of chaps and a $50 a night hotel room. Damn therapists....I swear you think they're your buddy and the next thing ya know they've got a ether rag over your snout. |
Did the rag smell like cloraphorm (sp?) to you? If not I wouldn't worry about it to much. He was prolly trying to break you in gently. Hitting you with a 100 dollar a night hotel might have scared you off even faster. Use the wet naps, it'll ease the therapists hourly rate increase. Just remember Richard Simmons can help you if you ever need a jet ski. |
Thanks for the smile Swingset 
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Yeah, I know somewhere some fine looking thing is thinking of me when she looks at the moon in the sky. Then, she has to go her psychiatrist and talk about why I made her take those pills and try to drown herself in the bathtub. |
Still happens, albeit a lot less often. I call 'em thigh-brows. |
Fixed. |
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3. Why did I arrive on Earth 15 years too early, and miss out on the blowjob as a casual dating practice? When I was 17, getting a girl near your knob with her lips was like pushing a cat through a toilet paper tube. Possible, but it took a lot of struggling. Now, it's a polite form of greeting. I curse the heavens for this....and I also resent that shorn beavers are the rage, cause when I was younger it was always a risk that the panties would come down and you'd find more hair than an 80's Warrant concert down there. Aint it the truth!! 
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That's something my dog could've figured out. Want some entertainment? Put a tiny tiny amount of toothpaste on a dog's nose. Watch them lick it, then flip out at the weird tingly sensation. |
I asked mrs. swingset if I could have another wife. She rolled her eyes, commanded that I go buy her some Oreos, and that was that. Oh well, I did give it a try. |
Well...while you're out...pick up some Vodka to wash them down with... |
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WTF?! I like my black tennis shoes/sneakers/whatever! YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING LIWEROI@U$#!@ULKSFJSLK IM INBOUND!!!!!!!! Just kidding about all the profanity and IM.  Seriously though I like my black sneakers, but I've always worn Nikes and now I'm trying New Balance, and they are OK.
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Suave Strawberry, the cheap stuff. Oh, and I'll not be bullied about my avatar from some one who has a creepy-ass widow!!! That thing gives me heebies. Never fear tho, the lab will return. |
