I'm ok with this.

Scraping seagull shit off the piers at a demag facility.

A dude in my unit wore his personal spray painted tan MICH 2001 with IR flags and Velcro on it at the beginning of a deployment...when the rest of us were sporting our normal ACH with UPC covers.
He thought he was the cool guy. 1st Sgt. thought otherwise and had some words with him, "which one of these here doesn't belong here, which one of these is wrong" and made him "find" his normal ACH and wear it everywhere for the next 30 days...PT, inside buildings, taking a shower...etc.

I've also seen 2 guys with their IOTVs jog by....one was holding the barrel of a M2 over his head, the other guy was holding the reciever over his head. They looked unhappy.

I also saw a guy wearing only a diaper and duct tapped to a backboard propped against the wall...didn't seem to wierd at the time,

Peace time Marine Corps. I'm on A Duty for the barracks in Gitmo. The duty, CPL Bored does his walk around at about 0300. Comes back and starts writing in the log book. He put a full salute, basically, "3 banana rats and 2 iguanas approaching from SW at lyceum, packs and small arms, possibly planning fronts assault on GDSF barracks"

Evidently the SGTMAJ does read the log book. Genius got 14 days straight duty, report to work 2 hours late. It was not a sleeping post.

In basic we had 7 stalls for our bay's bathroom.  Stall number 5 didn't flush, but people kept using it to shit in.  The maintenance workers were called out a couple of times and told the Drill Sergeant that they weren't coming back again.  After a long smoking over it, we got the hint, or so most of us thought.  The next morning there was a huge deuce floating around.  

The punishment was "Stall Number 5 Duty."  It was set up like fire guard.  Two of us had to flank the stall in full kit and stand at parade rest.  When someone entered the bathroom we had to challenge them.  It lasted about a week.  No more number two was found in Stall Number 5 again.

At reception , on the first day, I got lost between the chow hall and our barracks. The douch E5 in charge of babysitting us made me carry a giant fucking rock from in front of our barracks in my cargo pocket. He said it since it was from there it could find it's way home or some shit.

One of my favorites. Basic at Ft. Jackson early 90s. We were coming off a rifle range and getting patted down and our barrels checked with a brass rod for any casings or live ammo.  They way it worked is as it was your turn to get checked you sound off with "no brass no ammo Drill Sargent".  As the Senior Drill Sargent gets to one dumbass he pats the Pvt's bdu pocket and asks him what he is hiding. The Pvt says he's not hiding anything. So the Drill Sargent opens his pocket and finds around 25 of those little Tabasco sauce containers that came with mres. He says to the Pvt that's alot of nothing and he must really fucking like Tabasco.  The good news is we all got a break to sit and drink water. Bad news for the dumbass is he got to drink all the Tabasco  while surrounded by three Drill Sargents  creatively using the f word.  We had a road march back to the barracks after the range and  I don't remember the distance but no water for him until we got back.

I had a dirtbag private that got some BS PT profile so he didn't have to participate in morning PT.  Well, the platoon was playing baseball for PT one morning and he showed up ready to go.  I said hell no, come with me.  

I looked at his profile and saw that it said nothing about IMTing or low crawling so I grabbed a bat and baseball and we headed to the outfield.  I'd toss the ball up and hit it then have him IMT out to it and then low crawl back to me with it.  Did that till the game was over.

Another time I had a guy that disappeared one day on Bagram Airfield while we were going through on the way out of the country.  Took us hours to hunt him down and we finally found him hiding out at one of the MWRs to avoid details.  He missed the SAW spare barrel turn in because of it.  I told him if he loved his spare barrel that much he could hand carry it home but it needed to be dummy corded to him so he didn't lose it.  He spent the next few weeks with a SAW barrel hanging out of his cargo picket and tied off to his belt.  Slept with it tied to him as well.  

"Motorcycle races" were also funny although they were more of a fuck fuck game than serious punishment. Line a squad up and have them squat and extend their arms up to simulate riding a chopper with big ol ape hangers.  Pick a point and have them race out to it and back while making motorcycle noises.

While in route to Afghanistan, I had two retards that decided to wander off by themselves while overnighting in Kyrgyzstan. The whole battle buddy thing is pretty gay, especially when you're not even in a war zone yet, but as an NCO I enforced it. Especially when 1SG wants to see the entire platoon and you're missing two brand new soldiers. When I found them, I smoked them for a little while and told them to get some 550 cord. I cut off about 10 ft and dummy corded them at the belt.

About a hour later we're all in the tent when the Company Commander comes over. I jump off my bunk and stand at attention. He asks me if I'm the one who tied the soldiers together. I admit it and I standby for an ass chewing. He starts laughing his ass off and says SGM loved it.

It works fine.

We had two stalls, two urinals, and two sinks.  Twelve guys.

That's three per stall, two per urinal, one per sink.  

Flightline shop was a trailer.  Said trailer had a door with a hole in the bottom. When a boot was bad he had stick his head in the hole and sing "Head like a Hole" and we would throw bag nasty fruit at his face.

Had a Lt. lose a CEOI on a field exercise at Ft. Carson.
The Battalion Commander made him wear a prc-77 for close to a month.

I guess I was lucky.

I encountered very little of this kind of happy horseshit.

I don't remember the offense but in boot camp in Orlando a recruit was ordered to do "jumping jacks forever". After a few hundred you could see on his face that the concept of eternity was beginning to gel for him.

My dad told this story.  He was in basic in 1949 as a young 18 year old who barely needed to shave.  He fell in one morning for inspection thinking he did not need to shave that day.  As the DI walked the line he spun around in front of my dad and yelled "Davis, did you shave this morning"?  Dad: "Sir, no Sir".  DI:  "Well, we can fix that"!  The DI pulls out a razor from his pocket and proceeds to dry shave dad as dad stands at attention.  Dad said he never skipped shaving again after that.

Dad passed away in 1997.  He had some great stories.

Some dumb ass smarted off to his CC/DI in boot camp, last time I saw him he was "laying at attention", face down on the asphalt, wearing his full winter uniform issue (spats, trench coat with wool liner, watch cap, gloves). It was Orlando FL in August and it was brutally hot, his CC was standing over him cursing and misting him with a water hose every few minutes to make him steamy.
two guys running around the grinder (giant asphalt field) wearing bed sheets over their heads like ghosts while their CC rode behind them on a bike and cursed them.






 

Its a great book.  The battles are amazing and the thinking during that time is quite interesting.  Congress didn't want to appropriate the 600k for the ships, it was too much money!! lol.

 
Thanks

I knew a sailor off the Lexington back in 84. He was caught hiding and sleeping during work hours one too many times. Captains Mast got him three days in the ships brig on bread and water. Perhaps not funny, but I found it anachronistic. If that is a word. Story was confirmed by other sailors from his division.

I actually have also. One wandered into the squad bay while I was standing post. I didnt know what to do.

 



I had to chase seagulls on the parade deck later that day. Sort of funny.


Worst one I ever saw was the guy who just couldn't stop pissing himself at random times during the day. This was up at Edson, so he got to draw a box in the dirt, and crawl around in his "litter box" scratching and singing the meow mix song. The rest of the time we were there he had to fill his pockets with dirt, so he had something to sprinkle wherever he sat to soak up his piss. It's probably the single funniest damn thing I remember from basic.

Coast Guard bootcamp, we fall out for uniform inspection and a guy in our squad has bright idea to wear his jock strap and tuck his shirt into it.
He thought it would help keep his shirt tucked tight and look neat only problem was it rode up in the back and as the CPO walked behind us he saw the wide, white stripe.
Much hilarity and yelling ensued when the Chief grabbed the waist strap and started pulling on it.
The seaman recruit was made to go inside and come back with the jock strap and a roll of tape.
He put tape over his name tag and had to write "Seaman Recruit Jockstrap" on it.
He then had to wear the Jockstrap as head gear the entire weekend and was instructed to keep the cup portion over his face
The rest of us would get worked over if caught laughing at him.  It was very hard to not laugh watching that Jockstrap bounce around on his face as we marched.

Well played, Master Chief.

I would starch my summer working whites so hard when I walked it would look like I had a terminal case of dandruff.  I miss my Navy uniforms.  Army ACUs are like wearing pajamas to work.

Piccolo losing his birthday is still my favorite story.

At Basic a guy in my company was supposed to get a haircut and didn't. Instead he had the bright idea to use a smuggled electric razor and do it himself. Half way through his cut the fucking thing died. Right when the DS comes in for an inspection. He's hiding in the stalls and we're all thinking "Oh Shit, we're sooo smoked". DS never asked for him. Never looked into the stalls. He finished the rest of the hair cut with a razor blade trying to hover it about the same length as what a zero setting would be on the stupid electronic one.


DS later smokes him when he sees his hair is not even. He made him shave every wool blanket, bed linen, and towel in the barracks for a week.






At my police academy after PT and shower we were supposed to change into Class Bs. Basic patrol uniform with gun belt. Standard shirt and uniforms pants, etc... I forgot my fucking uniform shoes and tried to sneak by the TI with my boots. Didn't go very well for inspection.




He made me wear my PT shoes in unfirom and wear my boots on my hands for the entire day. I had to salute with those fucking things on and go through he mess hall with them on. Try balancing a fucking lunch tray while wesring Magnum Hi-Techs on your hands.


 

When I went through Sunday was the only 'day off' you had.  But it was only a partial day off (the morning) and only if you went to Church.  If you didn't go to Church, you cleaned the barracks.  So I decided to not do either .  I instead would walk over to my wall locker, get inside, and go to sleep (extremely valuable commodity in basic).  Everyone cleaning thought I was at Church.  Everyone at Church thought I was cleaning.  As long as I got back with my platoon the same time the Church-goers got back I was good.

Except this one Sunday...one of my platoon mates thought the barracks was already extra clean, so there wasn't anything left to do but buff the floors.  So he got out the buffer and started polishing the vinyl tiles.  That was fine, I could sleep through that.  Until *BAM* - *BOOM* - *BANG*!!!  He was whacking that buffer into my wall locker, while I was sleeping.  I about pissed myself and jumped out of it like it was on fire.  I scared him half to death and when I found out what it was I got pissed that he woke me up.  

I wondered off into our battle room where the sand box was kept (where they showed you with little green army men how to plan an ambush, and counter one, etc).  I crawled under that sand box and went right back to sleep.  About 10min later I was again awoken rudely, this time I was drug out from under that sand box by my foot; and drug clean across the barracks.  It took a while before I figured out what was going on...the Drill Sergeant found me!!!

After I came to my senses he asked me what in the blue fuck was I doing sleeping under his sand table.  I had to think quick.  If I told him I was tired, he would have said "I'll give you something to be tired from".  If I said I had pulled 3 fire guard duty's that week I'd have been pulling it every night the following week.  If I had said that I did KP and was tired, well...you get where this is going.  So I told him, "Drill Sergeant, I was cleaning under that sand table...it was FILTHY!  And as I was cleaning the dark, cool air got to me, I couldn't take it, I fell asleep cleaning!".  Nothing better than a bold face lie in this instance.  I already knew that I was going to be punished no matter what I said, I was only trying to limit the punishment I received based on my answer.  

The next Sunday they had me report to the Arms Room, draw my M16, get in full battle rattle, cammo up, put my flashlight under that dark table to make sure it didn't get dark, then lay in the prone position the entire day 'guarding' that table so nobody else fell asleep there.

In essence, I got rewarded by being allowed to lie down the entire next Sunday while everyone else cleaned.  It was quite humorous.

Anachronistic is a word, it's a great description for the entire UCMJ concept, especially as administered on ships.  

brig time with bread and water is still used.  I've seen it awarded as recently as 2012.

that is fucking hilarious!!

I had one of my Squad Leaders forget his rifle at one of my staff meetings, so I guarded it for him.

To get it back he had to sing to me "I'm a Little Teapot", complete with Kettle Pantomime.

I videoed it.

Piccalo had his birthday taken from him.  He just got it back a year or so ago.  If I wasn't on my iPad id find the thread in the archives. Funniest story I've heard in a long time.

Me and the whole barracks had to do PT in our underwear at 0200 in PSUT after throwing P Branch down the stairs tied to his mattress.

Had a black CSM put me on extra duty sweeping the parking lot for being a dumbass. Every time he walked by I was whistling Dixie

I can't remember what the exact particulars were, but it was at a military school.

Freshman find a mouse/rat in the room and proceed to trap it. The cadre get wind of this and proceed to have the entire company freshman class get in their BDUs and make said vermin "all it can be", including earning his parachute badge. After some rigging they sent the animal out the 4th floor window, where it proceeded to have a catastrophic parachute failure and perished in training.

Entire freshman class was commanded to get into dress uniform and perform full military honors burial for the rat/mouse.

This guy got caught wearing a soft cap in the field. Probably taken in 1995.

I've seen the aforementioned "Torpedo Watch". We had to do "Spider-man" watch where you stand against the wall on one foot clinging like Spiderman would.

We had one recruit shit himself in formation trying to get out on the crazy ticket. As recruits around him started grumbling and scooting away it caught the instructors attention. After learning what transpired he made us all do the wave while chanting the recruits new name, "SHITTY!"

And the award for funniestt reason for punishment goes to my buddy that enlisted at the same time. His last name is Stoner. About a few days in we are given stencils to put our names on our gear. The DI thought he was being a comedian and made him do pushups until he dropped.

Ft. Jackson, 1984. I don't know what the recruit got in trouble for, but Sgt Noe made a guy in 3rd Platoon go to 'front leaning rest' position and had another recruit lay naked underneath him with his crotch right underneath the first recruit's face.  Sgt Noe kept threatening to get a Playboy and show it to the second recruit while the first guy tried to keep his face out of his crotch.

I wish I would have joined

tag

You lost your ID card... again?

No problem, you'll just make one yourself.

It'll be scaled so your face will  fit into a hole where the photo usually goes.

I was in AAVs (Marine Corps Reserve) for 6 years, and there were some pretty creative things you could come up with based on maintenance.

We had one idiot who was always late to drill, and was lazy on top of that.  Naturally, he didn't know much about the vehicle, so on top of punishing him, we could get him to do pointless tasks and he'd be none the wiser.

Tasking him with, "collecting exhaust samples" was one of the best.  For those unfamiliar, it's  where the marine starts the vehicle and puts a trash bag over the muffler to collect "an exhaust sample".  It's  especially tough on an AAV, because it usually blows the trash bag away. It's even funnier when he's successful, and we tell him to "take it to the maintenance chief for analysis".


Another time, we had a mechanic who was a lazy, belligerent little fuck.  So one day when we were on the beach for some amphibious training, we went over to where one of the tracks had dug a deep swath in the sand, took his tool box while he was sleeping, safety wired it shut, and buried it.

It requires very little effort to bury something in a track mark in sand, because when an AAV or tank pivots on the sand, it cuts deep, narrow holes into the ground.  Burying something in them only requires kicking over the steep pile of dirt next to the hole.

We gave the guy a treasure map and an e tool when he came asking for where his tool box went.

Lmfao. I sent this pic to my son and he's back one of himself hosing rain out of a parking lot.

Not sure how that a funny one but more of a brutal one. I would hate to see what you think is a brutal one

Our Plt Ldr lost a CEOI on a 3 week FTX on Bragg. Took us 4 days to find it. On the hump back to Division area, the Bde CO had the Lt rub his face with the CEOI and say "I love my little book"  all the way back.

Ft Sill, OK, early 1997, C/2-80 FA, 13F AIT

Those of us who were prior service (non-IET, or Initial Entry Training) got a lot of privileges denied the IET soldiers. We lived in a separate barracks across the street from the BN starship with four man rooms, had pass privileges, and could smoke as long as we didn't do it around the IET guys. One day, my battle buddy and I walk out of Snow Hall during a break, planning to go have a smoke. As we leave the building, we pass a group of cadre. While we're in the designated smoking area, we notice a group of people near the vending machines across the parking lot. We figured it was the cadre and ignored them, lest they decide to smoke us. It turns out, it was some of our classmates, who got caught by a Drill Sergeant from another Battery. After nailing them, he comes over and questions us. We explained the situation, but he didn't believe us and said he was going to tell our DS. Several days go by, and we figured we were in the clear. Then, the Drill Sgt's call us into the day room and threaten us with Article 15's. In the end, they decided to give us corrective training, instead.

Tim and I were to be Sergeants of the Guard for the next week. The IET guys caught smoking were our guard force. From 1800 to 2400 during the week and 0800 to 2400 on the weekend, we were to be on the drill pad, in full battle rattle. The IET guys had to go to the PT pit and bring back a sizable supply of filled sandbags, with which they built a bunker. The guards had to stand in the bunker, with a rubber duck A2 at port arms and an inert AT4 next to them, and protect the battery from invasion. The enemy were empty cigarette packs, which had had pencils driven through them, and which were stuck into the dirt next to the sidewalk. Whenever someone approached the bunker, the guard would have to go to Port Arms and recite the Surgeon General's warning from a cigarette pack. From time to time, the Drill SGT's would get bored and have the IET guys change the bunker. It was a U shape, a lazy W, a circle, a square, etc. Each night, the IET guys had to carry the sandbags back to the pit. They wanted Tim and I to help, but we were under orders to not lift a single sandbag, lest we get an Article 15. Tim and I were allowed to relieve each other at random, in case we wanted to go get something to eat, take a nap, smoke, study, or whatever. The IET guys were all to be down there the whole time.

The last night, Sunday, the rest of the battery was allowed to order pizza, as long as they ate it on the drill pad. The Drill SGT on CQ walked through the area and caught some guys upstairs with a pizza and some sodas. As punishment, they had to bring their pizza and sodas downstairs, put them in our bunker, don full battle rattle, and join us on guard until midnight, when they'd be allowed their pizza. By midnight, the ice had watered down the sodas and the pizza was cold. Several guys still ate their food, though.