Posted: 4/12/2004 6:32:21 AM EDT
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Quoted: I could use some clean ones to tell at churhc gatherings... Thanks[beer] With a growing Catholic population, a Catholic church is started in a rural GA town. The first week the Catholic priest is in town he is invited to go fishing with the Methodist minister and Baptist preacher at a nearby river. They get there and set up their fishing gear and after about 30 minutes the Methodist minister gets his line hung up on a log out in the middle of the river. He gets up, walks down to the edge of the river, steps out onto the water and walks across the water, unhooks the line from the log and walks back. The Catholic priest thinks to himself, "Wow! These Methodist must really have a lot of faith in God!" About 30 minutes later, the Baptist preacher gets his line hung up on the log. He gets up, walks down to the edge of the river, steps out onto the water and walks across the water, unhooks the line from the log and walks back. The Catholic priest thinks to himself, "Wow! These Baptist must really have a lot of faith in God!" About 30 minutes later the Catholic priest gets his line hung up on the log. Wanting to show the Methodist minister and Baptist preacher that he has just as much faith as they do, he gets up, walks down to the edge of the river, steps out onto the water...SPLASH! The Methodist minister leans over to the Baptist preacher and says, "Think we ought to tell him about those stepping stones?" |
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Quoted: Quoted: I could use some clean ones to tell at churhc gatherings... Thanks[beer] With a growing Catholic population, a Catholic church is started in a rural GA town. The first week the Catholic priest is in town he is invited to go fishing with the Methodist minister and Baptist preacher at a nearby river. They get there and set up their fishing gear and after about 30 minutes the Methodist minister gets his line hung up on a log out in the middle of the river. He gets up, walks down to the edge of the river, steps out onto the water and walks across the water, unhooks the line from the log and walks back. The Catholic priest thinks to himself, "Wow! These Methodist must really have a lot of faith in God!" About 30 minutes later, the Baptist preacher gets his line hung up on the log. He gets up, walks down to the edge of the river, steps out onto the water and walks across the water, unhooks the line from the log and walks back. The Catholic priest thinks to himself, "Wow! These Baptist must really have a lot of faith in God!" About 30 minutes later the Catholic priest gets his line hung up on the log. Wanting to show the Methodist minister and Baptist preacher that he has just as much faith as they do, he gets up, walks down to the edge of the river, steps out onto the water...SPLASH! The Methodist minister leans over to the Baptist preacher and says, "Think we ought to tell him about those stepping stones?" You forgot, "The Baptist preacher, with a puzzled look, asked, "What stones?'" |
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A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell. Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs? Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little. Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. You like to gamble right ? Guy: Oh yes, I love to gamble. Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. And you're gay correct ? Guy: Well, no I'm not. Counselor: Oh shit, you're gonna hate Fridays... |
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Marriage or Prison? A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today." ****************************************** No Good In Bed! A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late, doing what"? "Getting a second opinion," she says. ********************************************* Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction: *** A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. *** At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. *** One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." *** I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. *** During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. *** I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly" |
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Adam is sitting in the garden of eden and he is really lonely. So he tells God, "God, I'm lonely." God replies, "I was just thinking about making you a companion. I call it a woman. She will do your laundary, cook your meals, clean your house, never complain and she'll have the most interesting conversation in the world." Adam says, "Damn, sounds interesting. How much will she cost me?" God answers, "Only an arm and a leg." Adam says, "Thats a little pricy, what can i get for a rib." |
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Is Sex Work Or Play? A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it." ************************** The Ugliest Hooker In Town A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick." |
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Here's one for now, if I can remember tomorrow at work I'll post again I have a whole bunch of jokes great for church (and about religious matters- good, clean, and darn funny) that will leave you struggling to continue filtering oxygen out of the ambient air... Why Math is taught in school I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females; that's18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? I think not. |
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Thank God for church secretaries with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals." 3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." 4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. 6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more of Pastor Jack's sermons. 13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." 14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 20 . Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. 21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. 22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 31. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High." |
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This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd of 300 guests. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank his family and the bride's; and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends....................$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion....................$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui........................$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride screwing the best man .......................PRICELESS!! There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Military survival Rules "Aim towards the enemy." -Instruction printed on U. S. Army rocket launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U. S. Army training notice "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." -U. S. Air Force ammunition memo. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army preventive maintenance publication "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." -U. S. Army Ordnance Corps memo. "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -Col. David H. Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." -Anonymous "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Army recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown "If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." -U. S. Army ordnance manual "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U. S. Air Force flight training manual |
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The Man Code 1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate" 2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent) 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale. 9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'. 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. 20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. 23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" 24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. 26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. 27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things You Don't Want to Hear on the Operating Table Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now make his leg twitch! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"?!? She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! |