[ARCHIVED THREAD] - me (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 3/19/2005 7:37:15 PM EDT
|
none of this will be well written im sure so bare with me. what i remember of my childhood is all bad. what i remember of my mother, she was always doing weird stuff very weird stuff. i remmber her naked in the kitchen covered in ketchup yelling at my father "do you want to fuck me now" i remember her disappearing for weeks on end. as an adult i now know she was in the mental ward of every hospital around. what i know most of is the beatings i was subjected to from the ages of 6 through 15. strange and so confusing that she always came in my room awhile after and pretended to be sorry she would hold me and say how great a son i was. i was terrified and just lay there.....numb. so often i had no idea what i did to deserve the punishment. i thought it was what all kids had to think about. it would be anything a broken dish is a very vivid memory. in the kitchen i was beaten with various kitchen things, bowls plates(what i accidentaly broke) after awhile i closed my eyes and didnt look anymore. one other time i was probably 10 i recall being swung around the room by my hair i had long hair. there was a very big fakeness in my home of trying to appease her.once when secret santa came to the elementry school i bought her somethin it was a candle holder that said mother made of ceramic. later this became a great tool for beating my head untill it broke of course. now what about my father. usually when my mom would go to the hospital he would have female friend stay over. a very strict warning was issued to keep my mouth shut. i think the 2 of them had the whole thing planned out. which would abuse me on a certain occasion. it was very different with my father with my mom it was wild and erratic. with dad it was cold and calculated. i broke a pen once and stained the carpet in my room where i hid from them. i managed to keep it from him for a few weeks by putting clothes on top of the stain. i tried so hard to clean it but it just got worse and spread into a bigger stain. once he saw it he came into my room and beat me with a belt for about a half hour. if i cried i would get beaten more. "ill stop when you shut up" i remember him swinging the belt with such force that he actually threw the belt at me. at that point with no weapon the punching started. i was always left bruised under my clothes where no one would see. i started acting out badly in school at about 15. i ran away from home once when the police saw me and took me home they asked why did you run away? i told them because i get whooped to much. they told me worse would happen if i didnt behave myself i would get put in foster homes. i think foster homes would have been a blessing now looking back. this started a bad habit of trouble with the law. i stayed out at night older kids gave me beer and pot.i was entertainment for them. i stold things. the police would eventually find there way to me and i would tell them about the beatings. they didnt care or just assumed because of the behavior i deserved it. when they called my father to come and get me was the worst. my father would beat me in the car while driving. he bought a police billy club for what he claimed protection. i think it was for me. i was punched and kicked and beaten with the club till we got home. then i had to go inside and where noone could see is where he really got started. after awhile i stopped telling people. this reaffirmed that this was normal because nothing was done to protect me. these are just a few things that i remember i could go on with other certain instances. one of the things that really surprise me now that im an adult is that when visitors would come over they never asked why i was in the closet. maybe they didnt know i was in there maybe they didnt care. these things have affected me in alot of ways. alot of ways i dont even understand. i find it hard to look people in the eye. im afraid they will see it in my eyes. i have a very passive aggressive personality. its very hard to identify any emotion but anger this i have found is very common amongst adult survivors they dont feel. im writing this as a step toward dealing with it. thanks |
Well, I'm trusting by nature. It works out well most of the time, but I get burned now and then. |
GET HELP NOW!!! SBG |
|
scott, I believe you. You need to see a good psychologist. May be tough to find a good one but they will point you in the right direction. I would not recommend a "counselor", ie social worker type as they are out in left field and poor at what they do. You need someone who is not going to dwell on your past excessively. Constantly dredging this all up is not going to be beneficial. Setting goals and moving forward is. They will have to take some history, of course, to know where you are coming from but you need to move forward and work to achieve some normalcy in your life. I can't tell you how badly I feel for you. |
Problem is that you need PROFESSIONAL help. Talk to strangers might feel cathardic, but you need to sit down with a professional and get help. |
| Thats messed up man, My ex was totally f**ked up she would be normal for a few yrs than all of a sudden start coming home sh**tfaced at 3am. Than after a few months of that she'd be ok again then do it all over. So I'm sure my kids will have some simular stories. |
well at least you came to right place. And no one can say bad things about people owning AR type firearms. Want to hear a funny story? My ass has a permanent Bell Cobra Ah1 emblem on it the size of a nice belt buckle  Guess where my dad worked after Vietnam?
|
+1 in some cases venting it is the wrong thing to do and can cause worse problems. |
Scott, These SOB's are likely to screw you up 10x worse than any therapist. this is territory for a professional. I would recommend a psychologist who is specialized in this field. SBG ETA- J/K about the crew. I've got much love for my homies .  
|
Yeah, this place is better than a counselor. Seriously, if this is legit... You really need help. |
+1. He should see what we did to guys that play airsoft. Brutal.  This is a problem looking for a professional. I'm a network engineer, and empathy isn't one of my stronger traits. |
 If you wanted HELP, you would see a professional - several people have told you this already. If you don't want HELP, why are you posting here, if NOT for sympathy? What exactly was your point with this thread, if NOT asking for help or sympathy. You could write it down in a diary, if writing it was the issue - you didn't need to post it in a public forum. |
Bipolar |
|
Nah, I think its b.s., but I will side with compassion on this one. |
Ok, now you're looking to get a verbal beating (hint, guys here are brutal). I read your post a few times. It's filled with emotion, and you're not specifically asking for help. So rather than give you advice, people tried to empathize with you and kindly suggest that you seek the help of a competent professional. No harm was meant. If you tell people to fuck off, they're going to rip you a new one verbally. It'll kill you to read it. |
Big +1. You need to take action, and sooner is better than later. You can move beyond the hurt. Help is out there for you. Do something or the haunting and pain will fester. Good luck. |
i think your right on track except the others posting im making the whole thing up are the ones i say fuck off. why why would i make this up ? |
|
Everyone cool down and let scott123 post. If you don't like it, don't read it. scott123, didn't you post about the burden of taking care of your mother alone in the last month or so? If I remember accurately, maybe it's time for you to shed some responsibility to the rest of your family. You need someone to listen to you, but this is probably not the right place to come for neutral or supportive comments, there are going to be skeptics that question you because they have seen similar threads that turned out to be a bad joke. |
Scott, I understand why you have posted this here but it is just not what you need. At least not enough. It sounds as if you are dealing with this in your life but it smolders always below the surface. I doubt others recognize what is going on but I will guarantee you that it is affecting your life. It will certainly effect your interpersonal relationships and set you up for failure. You might have difficulty raising kids. It might be tough to hold a job or advance. A good psychologist would help you to move forward like I said. I totally empathize but I cannot help you enough. It is outside my area of expertise and the internet is not the place to do it. I am worried that you might hurt yourself or someone else. Scott? |
And/or personality disorder. Professional help is the only answer to this. Seeing someone in the field doesn't mean you're crazy; heart disease needs a cardiologist, kidney disease needs a nephrologist, etc. Not a sign of weakness, just the nature of the problem. |
i have been around these boards for along time. do you remember me pm ing you about the nasty wound on my back? i was worried about infection? different user name:)? im ok i have no plans to hurt anyone or myself. your a stand up guy dr jarhead. im actually doing well i have plans to do some dirtbike riding tommorow. my sole intent is to be able to talk about this with someone in person. you gotta start somewhere. right! right! |
|
Scott, Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for all the things you went through. I heard Joyce Meyer say that hurting people hurt people. She was sexually abused as a child and has found peace through the teachings of Jesus. She has written some good books and has a ton of great healing CD's you might want to look into. www.joycemeyer.org Whatever you do I hope you the best. |
I hope it helps. People give up all kinds of things about themselves here. Some without even realizing  I think I vaguely remember your PM. I get a lot of that kind of thing  If that was you posting about your mother in the other thread I remember. Think about what I said though, okay scott? You seem like a good guy and we all want the best for you. Even those who lipped off. Kind of like a bunch of big obnoxious brothers. Heheh. Some of 'em just need a good swift kick.
|