Posted: 11/12/2006 12:46:47 PM EDT
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alright, so i'm 18 and i met this girl at the local community college. we're both christians, homeschooled, similiar interests and such. i really like her and she seems to fit the girl i've been praying for God to bring to me. there has been a few other things that seem to have had Gods hand on em. anyways, here's my question- i want to write an email (i know, calling would be better, but there are legit reasons for email) her dad and ask his permission to court/date his daughter. i said "court/date" because i wanted some opinion one which would be better. since i'm only 18, thinking of marriage seems a little stupid, but at the same time, i'm not looking for a quick girfriend, i would be in it for the long haul and if it goes well, then marriage comes into play. also, she would be my first girlfriend. so, how would the dads here like to be asked by some country boy who likes guns to try a relationship with their daughter? i am totally open, and prefer, a courting thing where i get to know the family and all that. one more thing - her friends keep saying she likes me, and they obviously know i like her from the constant stream of questions i throw at them, but i have never outright asked her out or told her how i feel. her dad will be the first one i guess in the family to know that i want to date/court her. thanks Dan |
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I appreciate your 'old fashioned' approach to asking the father first, but as a father of both a daughter and a son, I would suggest that you talk to the girl first. She might be embarrassed if you discussed it with her father if she is not interested. If she is interested in exploring a relationship then I would speak to the father. Let him know that you are a Christian and will be respectful of what both he and God would expect for their daughter. I know that would impress me since I would not always be able to be present, I would be glad to know that you are aware that Christ always would be there and that you care what He thinks of you and your behavior. God's best for you in this as realtionships with the opposite sex are probably the hardest thing any of us men of God deal with in life. 
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Good on you for wanting to keep Christ at the center of your relationships!
The whole purpose of dating/courting is to discern if a particular person is the one God has chosen for your spouse. If the answer is no, then there is no point in dating/courting. You still sound like a high school kid trying to use go-betweens to figure out if she is interested. If you have to hear from her friends whether or not she likes you, then you haven't developed a strong enough relationship with her yet to consider dating/courting. Just take some time to get to know her as a platonic friend, first (along with other platonic female friends). As that develops over the next couple of years, you'll get a better idea of whether or not you will want to pursue courting her (you also won't have to hear from her friends whether or not she likes you. You'll be able to figure it out on your own). If that moment does come, then you will want to ask her dad. |
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From an ettiquette point of view, you might first ask the young lady if *she* would be interested in going out to dinner (or any other specific occassion) with you after you ask her father for approval. If she responds positively, then you prepare to approach her father. You don't need to ask his "permission". You ask for his "approval". This is more realistic. Still entirely respectful, but it is more what you are really aiming for. "Permission" is what one asks before going hunting on private land. It implies legal ownership. "Approval" is about human relationships among adults. And you don't have to ask him for approval to "date" or to "court". You can ask his approval to take her out to one specific dinner or other event. That would be better for all concerned. If you asked approval to "court" her, it is like you committed yourself to a formal courtship. You know, a year of socialising and then marriage. And asking approval to "date" would mean that you sought his approval to continously date his daughter, whether things went well or not. Let's imagine some very real differences or difficulties came up. Such as doctrinal differences. Or such as she wanted to quit school and have ten kids immediately, while you wanted both you and a future wife to have educations and buy a house before having a family. All sorts of equally "good" people have reasons *not* to continue courting with one another. Just asking dad's approval to escort his daughter to *one* specific social event is not a commitment on either part for the courtship to continue. It would give him the comfort of being able to withdraw his approval if things did not go well on the first date. And it would give you the right to withdraw from asking her out again if things didn't go well either. If a guy asks permission to court a gal, dad grants it, they go out once and then they don't date any more, something has gone wrong and it is embarrassing to them all. If a guy asks approval to take her out for one evening, and either of them decides not to date the other any more, then there isn't any awkwardness for anyone. Good luck! |